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me again! its still going on (long sorry)

(104 Posts)
vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 06:53:20

silly really that im even here asking for help again and not seeing it through. but i am terrified of going - im so bloody weak.
its still going on - my OH totally controlling everything i do and then tells me its my fault! is it?
ive been with him for 20 years - 2 children and 1 child from a previous relationship which he wants nothing to do with. has nothing to do with my mum and dad - he doesnt like them for some reason - never has - they have never done anything to my knowledge to upset him.
i worked up until i had the kids he pestered me to leave work which i didnt want to but he wore me down - moaning that nothing got done at home whilst i worked (he has his own business and i do all the bookwork for ect for the business too) - so i left work. he still moaned.
his agument is he brings in the money the least i could do is keep the house clean, do all the admin work for the business that keeps a roof over our head. but according to him i do nothing, i never clean properly, there are always mistakes with the bookwork. i use HIS car but never keep it clean, i dont displine the kids properly. "he gets up at the crack of dawn everyday to work 15 hour days for me to take the piss - but im happy spending his money" seriously if i meet the mums for a coffee he is on the phone asking why this that and the other hasnt been done. im always on tender hooks and either dont go on coffee mornings now - or go for about 20 minutes and rush home before he can call me.
he even went away to portugual with his mates last week for 4 days (because he bloody works hard and deserves a break) and during that time i went to a spa for my friends 40th (not something i do often and was really looking forward to it) - he even controlled me from portugual, rang me constantly - and if i didnt answer the phone which i couldnt at times he sent me text messages saying "oh too busy to answer your phone as usual" then called me asking why the kids werent at home whilst i was out enjoying myself (they were at a brownies event with my mum up at the village hall) - put a total downer on my day.

about 2 years ago i started baking - basically i have never wanted to be a stay at home mum, im one of those people that has a bit of ambition and always looking for something creative to do. so its was by accident i found that i could bake. i had challenged myself to bake the kids birthday cakes - and it just started from there - people are now constantly asking me to bake them cakes. i foolishly thought he would love that - im bringing in money - at home with kids ect. oh my god he hates it - and over the 2 years has kicked up such a fuss when i have been baking - "oh you can bake for tom dick and harry, but you cant clean the house for your family or type up this letter for one of my clients ect ect"
i have had to start baking in secret how crazy is that baking CAKES in secret, as soon as he walks out the door at 5am in the morning. anyway he found out that i had been baking and has thrown a complete paddy - telling me im selfish, i do nothing around the house, all i want to do is stuff for myself, i spend all day baking to earn nothing, and use his money to buy all the ingredients - he would love to stand at home and bake all day but he has to earn a living for us ect ect.

im droning on again - but the bottom line is i am terrified of leaving, why i dont know - i dont want to be with him - i hate him. the kids adore him. i dont think he would let me leave without a fight. it would complelty destroy the kids. ive thought about leaving on my own - just going without a trace. im on antidepressants because i hit such a low point. they help me cope with it all i think. i dont sleep, constantly on edge wondering what i have done wrong today, what am i going to get told off about today. i ahve no self worth - i hate myself, constantly digging myself out. what am i going to do? x thanks for listening

bragmatic Thu 20-Jun-13 07:12:48

It will not, I repeat, WILL NOT destroy the kids.

Start planning to leave. If you can't walk out the door today, start planning. Get your financial information in order, birth certificates And other paperwork together, etc. Make an appointment to see a solicitor. Just start planning.

MatureUniStudent Thu 20-Jun-13 07:16:02

Oh it won't be as bad as you have built it up in your mind to be. It won't. Because you will be able to breathe control your own destiny and not live on your nerves. It won't destroy the kids. Yes it will be rocky but four years on my DS turned to me this week and said "we are tight mum. Tight family unit because of you. Thank you I'm proud you left dad".

It works itself out. I bet your household is one maelstrom of nerves and tension. Kids don't thrive very well in those environments.

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 20-Jun-13 07:19:30

When you leave, you will be able to unclench and breathe. The relief will be so immense that you will find dealing with the fall out - whatever shit he tries to make things hard for you - will be much easier to bear than you think.

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 20-Jun-13 07:32:42

Oh you poor thing. I have no useful advice I'm afraid having never been in this situation. But I'll hold your hand until someone else comes along. brew

From a practical pov I would start planning an exit strategy.
I would try and get a free half an hour with a solicitor to find out where I stood re the house, pension, maintenance. I'd speak to the csa and find out what I'd need to do there. I'd have a look online and see what benefits I'd be able to claim, child benefit, tax credits, etc.

I would also make sure I deleted my internet history so he didn't get a heads up on what I was thinking.

You could try talking to him but sounds like you're past that hmm

Apart from the obvious red flags the only other one that waved at me was, when I was accused of doing nothing, house untidy, what did I do all day blah, blah, blah there was an ow.

You sound so lovely, ambitious, creative. Don't let him stifle you thanks

Lweji Thu 20-Jun-13 07:33:36

He clearly doesn't want you to work or earn your own money.
He wants you to depend financially on him.
He wants to be able to put you down.

As others said, start checking financial and legal aspects.
Get a solicitor and start off the process.
If necessary get a new place for you and the children to go to while you sort out residency, family home, etc.

It's not that easy, but it's not that difficult either.
And the children will thank you, I suspect.

They'll get a happier mum, a more relaxed atmosphere, and I wouldn't be surprised if they were also the target for his put downs.

RobotLover68 Thu 20-Jun-13 07:34:54

You say the kids adore him yet you also say this 1 child from a previous relationship which he wants nothing to do with. They adore a person who excludes their sibling?

I found I was getting anxious on your behalf reading all that

You really need to find the strength to leave

pictish Thu 20-Jun-13 07:38:51

He'll smother every bit of independence and ambition you ever have in your life, and snatch it to use for his own means.
He sees himself as your boss, and you his lowly staff. Your role as his wife is to do whatever he says.

I don't think you have any alternative but to leave him.

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 20-Jun-13 07:38:53

What is your financial situation? Can you access money? Is it in a joint account?

vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 07:44:16

robotlover68 - its crazy my son from a previous relationship is now 25 and lives with his oh - my oh doesnt let the children see him, so they dont really see him as a brother. i am the only one that goes to see him. he has just rang me (my oh) after our row this morning about me baking to say he is coming home to sort this out - im a deceitful person that takes the piss out of him. i do everything for myself. and he is fed up with it. he is a BULLY trying to intimidate me which does work i have to say. my stomach is churning. he wont hit me - he never has - he just has a vicious tongue and and a loud booming voice!

gamerchick Thu 20-Jun-13 07:45:12

While you're figuring out your next course of action. All those things he says you don't do.... Stop doing. Tell him that as you're so crap at it, he can do it himself.

vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 07:46:19

pictish - you are totally right and have always said that he thinks of me as one of his employees.
katythecleaninglady - because i do the company books i have full access to his bank accounts - so yes have financial means - although will re-iterate they are not mine - nothing here is mine - all his!

Lweji Thu 20-Jun-13 07:49:51

Are you alone in the house?

Because I'd walk out now and let him stew there for a few hours, and don't answer the phone.

In fact, go out and sort out a solicitor, try to get hold of CAB and so on.

Are you married?

Lweji Thu 20-Jun-13 07:51:28

Do you have your own money at all?

Walk out to the bank and transfer a reasonable amount to your own account.
And take copies of his bank account details.

thatsnotmynamereally Thu 20-Jun-13 08:00:51

OMG vanilla are we married to the same man? Just to let you know you are not the only one and as others have said... you need to get out, safely and as soon as you can manage (big disclaimer I am in a similar situation but haven't left yet). Have you called Women's Aid-- they are great to talk to and can help you make a plan.

I find it so sad that you cannot do your cakes as it isn't just about the money, it is doing something that you're good at and taking pride in that-- and I know what you mean about having thought he'd be pleased but instead getting a kick in the teeth. Why do you say the kids adore him?they may be scared of him and consequently are afraid to show how they really feel!

But you can 'detatch'-- I find it is easier to take now, I don't get that rising anxiety and desire to scream ITS NOT FAIR that I used to get... for example yesterday he found out that a new bin had not yet arrived (long story, had to order a new one from the council) and I had a small bag of rubbish and he said to me-- I should make you eat that rubbish because you didn't do your job-- I just smiled and said, OK, leave me here and I'll do that... didn't stop him ranting for the next half hour but I filed it away as another reason why he is an abusive d*ckhead.

Good luck-- have you read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft??

thatsnotmynamereally Thu 20-Jun-13 08:03:09

vanilla just read your last post... so sorry, my stomach is churning on your behalf. It's not your fault, it is him. Good luck xxx

wendybird77 Thu 20-Jun-13 08:04:02

You do know you are being abused right? This is abuse. Phone women's aid. Take copies of financial statements, passports, wedding certificates, etc. Make appointments with solicitors. Take money out of the joint account before he knows you are leaving as he'll close the accounts to you as soon as he can and try to control you that way. Then leave. Don't speak to him directly, all communication through solicitors. 3rd party to hand kids over for contact. Your life will improve in so many ways, the relief will be immense. Your children won't thank you for staying with this horrible man and you aren't doing them any favours by continuing to model this as a normal relationship. Best of luck to you, I hope you can find it within yourself to go.

Whocansay Thu 20-Jun-13 08:11:09

Would your parents help you? Could you stay with them?

Don't imagine that this situation isn't damaging for your children. They'll be far happier away from this kind of environment.

NeverBeenToMe Thu 20-Jun-13 08:13:22

I know you will feel it is the hardest thing to do EVER but I echo all the advice above. Speak to Women's Aid, speak to CAB, speak to your doctor, anyone who can hold your hand while you do this. If I could drive to your house right now, bundle you and the kids into the car and take you somewhere else, I would.

Read some of the other stories in here about women who have left abusive men and take strength and courage from them xx

RobotLover68 Thu 20-Jun-13 08:14:29

Yes wendybird is right, your children think this is normal - but you know it isn't - please get some help and support ASAP - you are being bullied and you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it

vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 08:16:59

thank u everyone - im trying to muster up the courage! although i think i do know i am being abused but at the same time i am thinking its all a coincidence that the things he does could be abuse???!!!!
i have the kids here at the mo - one is going to school in a minute the other is too young to go to school!!

Snowyelephantshavewrinkles Thu 20-Jun-13 08:17:48

Just stumbled across this thread... Although I can't offer advise really I just want you to know OP that you can do it .... If you want to leave then you need to. I would not want any child to witness their Dad being like he is to you.

Cerisier Thu 20-Jun-13 09:12:40

OP I feel worried on your behalf as he sounds like he is threatening you.

I second having someone round when he comes back, for your own protection. If not can you possibly have your phone on record in case he kicks off so you have some evidence to show solicitor/police?

And start to plan, to take control. Talk to your parents, to a solicitor, to women's aid, to your older DS. This is no way to live.

Do remember to delete your history on the computer and any calls on your phone. Don't let him see your plans or he could get even more nasty.

arthriticfingers Thu 20-Jun-13 09:34:49

Vanilla Read the links at the top of this link:
Get Lundy Bancroft
and listen to this (thanks Tis)
You will get out

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 20-Jun-13 09:48:44

You are being abused. Verbal abuse is tricky because it's hard to see it for what it is when you are in it.

I recommend being quiet about it while exploring your options. Agree with everyone who says get copies of financial info and see a solicitor. Keep it a secret, let it be your secret, and draw strength from that. Look him in the eye, nod and agree, and secretly be thinking about that file folder you're building. Fantasise about the escape and plans you are making and let his booming voice wash right over you.

Then, when you have your plans laid, ltb. Just go. Your kids will understand. Maybe not today, but someday. They will see you're happy and healthy and they will bask in that glow and thrive.

You are too immersed to see clearly what is plain to all of us. When you get out, you will see and you will be happy.

I promise you that if you leave in the next month, by Christmas you will be happier and your only regret will be not having left sooner.

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