Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't know where to turn anymore

(67 Posts)
Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:40:00

Have name changed for this. I feel so low today I have contemplated taking tablets and putting an end to it all. My BF has basically done a character assisination on me and I feel like utter shit. I did something to piss him off over the last couple of days moaning about arrangements we made which caused big row for which i later aplogised and said he didnt deserve what i said. all seemed ok until i had another downer and complained about the cost of household bills ( he stays over a few times a week I pay bills but he contributes to food)

It wasn't even directly aimed at him but he said he was sick of putting up with me and we went to bed in silence. It's hard to explain what he's like when I do something to upset him even if I've given a sincere apology. He's been quite nasty all day saying no one would put up with this shit, snapping at me saying I've got to change and sitting and watching me cry. I know I'm not perfect but surely after saying sorry he should be a bit more forgiving.

It's like he has to punish me. He's threatened that I'm pushing him away then said hel never leave. I feel so low I can't describe it. I even found myself saying to him that I don't know who to turn to and I felt I can't be the person he wants. If I say to him " am I really that bad" he says " to be honest yes"

I'm a useless no good piece of rubbish well that's how I'm feeling today.

BerylStreep Thu 20-Jun-13 16:12:10

DearJackie, I'm glad you don't feel like that now. It's awful that he made you feel like that at all.

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 22:27:58

BERYL I'm sorry to hear that, makes my problems seem insignificant

I don't feel like that today but have to say it crossed my mind yesterday when he was in full flow

BerylStreep Wed 19-Jun-13 22:24:07

I agree Agatha.

I feel quite raw today, as I have been dealing with the after effects of a lady who committed suicide at the weekend. She had two almost grown up children - 18 and 21.

OP, don't ever let this dickhead make you feel like that ever again. sad

AgathaF Wed 19-Jun-13 22:14:02

You know, you would probably find coping with the other stuff in your life a lot easier if you didn't have this millstone of a man around your neck dragging you down.

gamerchick Wed 19-Jun-13 21:45:23

Right.. so you have a lot to deal with. Make him a priority and then you can deal with the other stuff. He's a winnit who will make you miserable in the long term.

Treat him like you would a wart on the end of your nose. Get the swine frozen off. Just try and see him like an irritation than a breakup. Or this time next year, you may be trying to get him out of your house.

gamerchick Wed 19-Jun-13 21:42:18

Good grief lass.. you don't live with him, he makes you feel like shit in your own house and to want to slit your throat to boot (!).

Tell him to do one and if he comes near you again you'll ring the police ^^ and do just that.

I did the harassment thing and you know what? It ends!

Why are you wasting time on this loser when the person who might treat you right is out there somewhere? Seriously, life is far too short!

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 21:40:49

I just feel like I have a massive amount on my plate that I don't have enough left to deal with a breakup. Am finally going through divorce after long marriage and there's a pension issue to deal with. I have bad health issues 2 long term chronic conditions that aren't bad enough to be pensioned off work but bad enough to make every day a struggle physically. I have to work almost full time to pay mortgage and bills. Children are adult and son off to uni end of year

BerylStreep Wed 19-Jun-13 21:32:52

So you are staying with him because you can't bear to go through the harassment?

Understandable, I know what the relentless harassment, phone calls, letters, calling at the door, calling work feels like. But believe me, getting free is worth it. The legislation these days is much better, and gives much more protection.

Once you tell him it is over, change your number if you have to. Don't open any letters. If he turns up, tell him you will call the police, and if he doesn't go, then phone them.

Do you have DC?

AgathaF Wed 19-Jun-13 21:25:21

It does jackie. I was just saying that you don't have to engage in discussion with him if you don't want to, or take his calls, or open the door to him. You have choices too, although he is trying his hardest to remove those from you.

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 19:57:59

Agatha what I meant by that was I didn't want to face all that thing of him going then the phonecalls, discussions ect so somehow it was easier at the time not to reach that point again. Does that make sense

AgathaF Wed 19-Jun-13 19:50:40

he wouldn't have meant it and it would just be as a punishment for a few days maybe you wouldn't have to let him back, you know. He's done a good job on you, but you are starting to realise that. With that knowledge comes your power. Use it to make a better life for yourself.

YellowTulips Wed 19-Jun-13 19:37:59

It's not love. It's control. It's withholding comfort and affection to make you crave it. Make you humble yourself to please him.

Real love is freely given - without strings. You love just because you do.

Please stop thinking "what did I do wrong" and focus on "why did he behave like that?"

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 19:00:22

Yes he has done a number on me. I still believe he loves me even after all that's happened so that's how messed my head is. Why do people behave this way. I suppose because he's found an idiot who allowed it

clam Wed 19-Jun-13 18:52:57

I've not read a thread in a long time that has made me quite so angry as this.
How DARE he? He's done a right number on you, darling, hasn't he?

Listen to me: It's. Not. You. It's. Him.

Now bin him. PLEASE.

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 18:45:41

OCTOPUS it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him don't put up with it then and I know he would have got up and left. But he wouldn't have meant it and it would just be as a punishment for a few days maybe. I can't believe how entrenched in all this I am

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 18:41:49

Hi thank you all. Have been at work all day and have a mega headache now, probably a result of yesterday. I think I need to get away from him but in a way I'm a bit scared I don't think he'l take it easily.

We have kind of separated before, after rows he would leave me sometimes for a day and the longest was 10 days. I never contacted him despite being hurt he would eventually come back when he thought I'd learned my lesson I guess. Anyway once I didn't care if we got back together my feelings had all but gone. He worked on me until I agreed to try again. Thing is when he was trying to get me back he would veer from persuasation to being upset but then to being really quite angry and a bi threatening, for example saying how dare I after all he'd done for me, he'd put me and my family first ect

I just know its gonna be difficult

OctopusPete8 Wed 19-Jun-13 18:41:46

Next time he says 'no-one would put up with this' call his bluff, tell him to get out ,

lemonandice Wed 19-Jun-13 18:32:39

He's abusing you, OP. If you really were "that bad", he'd have left you. Instead he's just getting his kicks pushing you into the mud.

I also had a partner like this. Everything was my fault, if I acted appropriately then he'd have had no need to shout/swear/cry, and I had to take responsibility for making him feel that bad.

Eventually, I wised up, but it took a while. Incredibly, my mental health issues mysteriously cleared up, I got my friends back, I started enjoying life again. But, it took me realising and accepting that actually, how he felt wasn't my responsibility, and nor was it my fault.

You don't deserve this. You are worth so much more, and it sounds like you're starting to know it. If you feel like you can't tell people in real life because they'd be too shocked, I think you know deep down it's not you that's at fault. So what if you're insecure- he should be helping you by valuing you, not putting you down for it.

Please don't feel like a fool- abuse like this happens behind all sorts of doors. It happened to me and I have a PhD, for example. Stay and lurk, and take note how in so many of the EA threads, you're seeing yourself.

maidmarian2012 Wed 19-Jun-13 17:36:31

Just found this thread.

Hope OP comes back, how draining this must be for her.

What a vile, cruel person he is sad angry

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 22:44:53

No worries. Don't be mad at yourself, use that anger to get the hell out. I promise you it will get better if you leave. Get reading the EA stuff and make a plan. Goodnight.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 22:44:04

You're not mad and you're not an awful person. He knows how to hurt you, and he chooses to do just that. I hope you can gain the strength to boot him out, but know this can take time. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, perhaps have a wander around the Women's Aid website and a wee look at this book.

Sleep well.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 22:32:16

COLIN thank you so much for your support and everyone's comments, it helps to know I'm not mad and probably not this awful person he's put me down as. I'm mad at myself for not defending myself today but he was particularly horrible and I felt crushed. He must have seen that but it had no effect.

Going to try to sleep now. Will check in again tomorrow

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 22:23:53

Your feelings aren't hurt enough because it's a survival mechanism. Believe me , the hangover you'll feel from this will be ugly as it hits you like a tonne of bricks. Do you not value yourself? Probably not - your self esteem is being trampled over. Do you value him? Likely, he's trained you to put him first and your boundaries over what you accept are all over the shop.

I stopped saying things too. When I sat down and told my sister everything, she was horrified. Again, this is part of the drill. You feel disloyal, you minimise it etc.

You can be ok xxx

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 22:17:17

I know but it just makes you feel so low and such a fool. So difficult to tell people in RL the full extent of what goes on too because I think they'd be aghast. Tbh I think I've stopped saying things because their reactions would make me realize I HAD to end it so why aren't my hurt feelings now enough to make me realise I HAVE to end it? Do I doubt what is happening? Do I think he has a point in some things he says? Do I not value myself and value him more?

I'm a mess

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 22:11:55

A fog is exactly what it is. I'm also professional and have lots of qualifications - means jack shit, it can happen to anyone. There's some proper smart women on the EA thread who all have experienced what you have.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now