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Don't know where to turn anymore

(67 Posts)
Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:40:00

Have name changed for this. I feel so low today I have contemplated taking tablets and putting an end to it all. My BF has basically done a character assisination on me and I feel like utter shit. I did something to piss him off over the last couple of days moaning about arrangements we made which caused big row for which i later aplogised and said he didnt deserve what i said. all seemed ok until i had another downer and complained about the cost of household bills ( he stays over a few times a week I pay bills but he contributes to food)

It wasn't even directly aimed at him but he said he was sick of putting up with me and we went to bed in silence. It's hard to explain what he's like when I do something to upset him even if I've given a sincere apology. He's been quite nasty all day saying no one would put up with this shit, snapping at me saying I've got to change and sitting and watching me cry. I know I'm not perfect but surely after saying sorry he should be a bit more forgiving.

It's like he has to punish me. He's threatened that I'm pushing him away then said hel never leave. I feel so low I can't describe it. I even found myself saying to him that I don't know who to turn to and I felt I can't be the person he wants. If I say to him " am I really that bad" he says " to be honest yes"

I'm a useless no good piece of rubbish well that's how I'm feeling today.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 16:44:25

You're not rubbish, but you need to bin this man. You might be surprised how much happier you'll feel a few months down the line.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:49:55

But it might be my fault in which case I'd have this problem with the next person. It's hard to give a full account on here of what happens so nobody hears his side as such. I just don't see why he has to make me feel so wretched what the hell is wrong with me. I feel so weak and I'm scared of losing him

BerylStreep Tue 18-Jun-13 16:50:54

First of all, don't do anything awful. Phone the Samaritans if you need to.

He is completely emotionally abusing you. You need to tell him to get out of your life, and mean it. I hate the default setting of LTB, but this one is most definitely not a keeper.

I'm pleased to read that you are not married, and he doesn't live you. That will make it easier. Honestly, tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and never contact you ever again. If he doesn't, phone the police.

How dare he treat you like that? angry

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 16:52:57

Dearjackie, it's not your fault, how could he be? Do you force him to sit there, insulting you and watching you cry? Or does he choose to do that, when a decent man would comfort and reassure you? Seriously, get rid.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:53:18

Like what please point out to me what he's done wrong. I know that sounds insane but I can't see anymore.

Even reading your replies is making me cry

BerylStreep Tue 18-Jun-13 16:54:11

Scared of losing him? You'd be doing yourself a favour. Whether it's your fault or not (and he sounds like he is gaslighting you), you are not a good match.

Once rid, spend some time on your own working out who you are and what you want. You need to think about how this happened, was he always this abusive, or did it escalate? Were there red flags that in retrospect you realise were there, but you ignored? If so, why did you ignore them?

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:54:25

But would every man comfort if I'd upset them too?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 16:56:49

A decent man would comfort you if you were still upset, even if you had royally pissed them off. Because a decent man would realise his reaction was distressing to you, and he'd be sorry.

This one just sneers at you and enjoys your sobbing. You don't need that.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 16:58:56

You need to read the links on the emotional abuse. This man is running rings around you and you can't see straight - no wonder you're in a bad way.

I felt like you did for the best part of two years - the relationship ended and voila, I'm not suicidal anymore.

It's not you, it's him. Really.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 17:01:58

I don't want to face the fact he's not treating me right because he's all I've got and most of the time he does treat me right. He just can't stand it if get insecure or get down and take anything out on him

BerylStreep Tue 18-Jun-13 17:03:40

It wasn't even directly aimed at him but he said he was sick of putting up with me and we went to bed in silence. So he has manufactured a reason to criticise you for no reason.

It's hard to explain what he's like when I do something to upset him even if I've given a sincere apology. He has you grovelling to him and apologising, even when you're not at fault. That's someone who needs to be in a dominant position.

He's been quite nasty all day saying no one would put up with this shit yet he does. Because he knows what he is saying is lies, it's not your fault - he's created this smokescreen.

sitting and watching me cry I'll bloody bet he enjoys the feeling of power and superiority watching you cry.

I know I'm not perfect but surely after saying sorry he should be a bit more forgiving. Why on earth would he be forgiving? He has carefully engineered things for you to feel as if it is your fault and he is enjoying watching you feel wretched.

It's like he has to punish me. Got it in one. He is a sadistic bully.

If I say to him "am I really that bad" he says "to be honest yes" Don't believe him. This is not your fault. Do you think he would give a flying fuck if you ended your life because of his actions? Of course not - he would just find another person to torture. That's what he is doing to you - torturing you.

Whocansay Tue 18-Jun-13 17:05:38

If you were that bad, why does he stay? It sounds as if he's thoroughly enjoying torturing you. You don't have to put up with it though.

If you're worried that you may be the problem (which I doubt) why not get some counselling? Take some time to work on yourself and think about why you feel that you're at fault.

Personally, I think after a couple of weeks away from this man, you'll suddenly feel hugely better. He sounds truly nasty.


OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 17:05:42

He treats you right when you are compliant. When you disagree with him and say so, he shouts at you, sulks, insults you and watches you cry.

You can't be totally compliant with him 24/7, because you're a human being, not an automaton.

You do not deserve to be shouted at like this. This is not a healthy relationship, he does not make you happy. Look at yourself, do you want to feel like this every day?

There will be a decent man for you in the future. But you won't find him as long as you're with this loser.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 17:05:57

He isn't all you've got, these men just make you think they're all you have - its how they hold onto you while behaving despicably. He treats you right some of the time because he has to, you wouldn't stay, but you deserve more.

I take it he never gets down or insecure or takes anything out on you ever ever?

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 17:06:09

God reading he is running rings around me makes me feel a total fool. I'm just unhappy in all aspects of my life. I do get very down and a bit paranoid around the time of my period and have explained this but he doesn't always make allowances. My job is not enjoyable at the moment and I know I winge about it to him but he later throws it back at me like today when he said he's sick of me taking it out on him. Not sure what he means I just need to offload sometimes

glastocat Tue 18-Jun-13 17:08:26

He sounds horrible! Please don't do anything silly, I guarantee if you got away from this man you would soon feel a whole lot better. Your partner is meant to make you happy, not belittle and blame you and make you feel like shit! The way he is talking to you is just awful, honestly!

DotCottonsHairnet Tue 18-Jun-13 17:09:59

You could be describing me and my situation, sweetheart.

I considered the same at the weekend - a big cry for help.

Be grateful that you arent married to him nor have any commitments ie. house/kids.


Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 17:11:17

Why can't I see it then? Why? All I can see is how I feel, totally wretched in every way.

I keep thinking I must have upset hiim for him to behave like this to me as he's just bought tickets for a show I wanted to see so I don't think he wants to end it

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 17:12:00

DotCotton, you can get help too.

DotCottonsHairnet Tue 18-Jun-13 17:12:43

Sorry posted too soon.

Pls talk to someone friend/family/doctor - I am doing so and it helps. He is so not worth your pain/distress.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 17:13:58

It doesn't matter whether he wants to end it or not. You can end it yourself. Just tell him to pack any "stuff" and leave, returning your keys if he has a set. Then close the door, delete his numbers from your phone, and buy your own tickets for shows.

You can do this.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 17:15:43

Do not feel like a fool dearjackie

EA is a well designed campaign to manipulate you. You shouldn't have to be on your guard with your partner. You should be able to love and trust them.

You can't see it because you're in it and you are attached to him. You don't want to think he's a bastard. But eventually you'll see it, the scales will fall and you won't unknow it.

Honestly, when mine left I thought it was the end of the world but I knew he was EA and within weeks, I was my old self. Best thing ever him leaving.

DotCottonsHairnet Tue 18-Jun-13 17:15:51

Oldlady - thank you. I am taking small steps - moving soon and now friends and family know more and more they are helping me loads - friends who I can literally call at any time and are being brilliant. I just flipped at the weekend - stuff just got to much - am guessing it being Fathers Day compounded how I was feeling.

tripecity Tue 18-Jun-13 17:54:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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