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My DH has had an emotional affair

(470 Posts)
bullinthesea Tue 18-Jun-13 14:52:29


I don't post very much, but I am a frequent lurker!

Sadly, I have discovered that my DH has been having an emotional affair with a woman at his work. I have met her a few times over the years, and have always liked her! (Not any more!).

He was supporting me through a nasty bout of depression, and she was also having problems with family illness etc, and it seems they got too close, whilst chatting. He has always been the type to help others out. I think perhaps his 'knight in shining armour' came out when he came across this 'damsel in distress'!

There were emails/Facebook messages/texts, (the texts were all deleted, but in plain sight on our joint itemised bill!).

I discovered the whole lot on Friday night, and confronted him on Saturday morning.

I told him to sit down and tell me the truth. He says that it was just a load of flirty e-mails, and that he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, that it had all fizzled out and that he regretted it. He was very remorseful, and asked whether I could ever forgive him. I told him it was about being able to trust him again.

I found comments such as

Him "I must have been on your mind, was this email meant for Mr X?"
Her "you're always on my mind"
Him "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"


Her "thank you for earlier, I feel a lot better now !!"
Him "yeah, me too, can meet up on Wednesday for a follow up if it helps smile"

Her "is there anything else I can do for you"
Him "there may be a couple of things that may rise up"

Him " look at you working on xyz"
Her "can never be too prepared?"
Him "I am always prepared!"

She also kept asking him about his knees, on one occasion, they were organising some work time, and he responded with:
Him "should be good"
Her " what do you mean, SHOULD......... Are your knees hurting?"
Him "no, they have recovered, it's my calf, I pulled it running this morning"

Another message went:
Her "how are your knees and feet now"
Him "well, no carpet burns! How are you, we,ve been thinking about you?"

Then there was the time about six months ago, when he was having some funny turns. He had to spend the day at hospital having tests. He had already phoned into work, to tell them that he wouldn't be in that day, and yet I discovered that he'd emailed her from the hospital, to tell her about the tests and said that it was scary, there were loads of exclamation marks at the end (and on lots of the other emails too). He then emailed her again later about the results, with the same message that he had texted to me a few minutes prior, but he'd added extra exclamation marks on hers.

A lot of the content of these emails (and some others that I haven't written about) suggests that things may have got physical.

He strongly denies that it got physical, and says that he doesn't even find her physically attractive. He has said that it was exciting, and that she had made him feel good, as it had felt like she wanted him. He also told me that she had tried to kiss him at an Xmas do a few years ago, but he didn't kiss back, and had thought it was odd.

I asked if he thought she might have a bit of a thing for him, and he paused and said, "yeah, probably".

I have told him that I am going to get tested for STIs, just in case, as I'm not sure I can believe what he's telling me, and want to be sure that I haven't caught anything.

We both cried a lot, and he buried his head in my lap and told me he was so sorry over and over.

I do love him very much, and feel that we became distant, (although things had been much better recently), that we need to focus on our marriage much more (he agreed) and do our best to recover the strong love that we always used to have.

Only thing is, if it did get physical, then I would have to end the relationship.

I am so confused, I can barely concentrate on anything, and I haven't a clue where I'd start if I suddenly found myself single - I'm a sahm, my son is 7, and I am not bringing in any income at the moment, so he supports us all financially.

I just don't know what to do next.....

bullinthesea Mon 31-Mar-14 18:12:59

Yes, thanks I hope I can stay detached.
Thing is, he's keen to move out there, I'm feeling much more cautious as I no longer trust him (obviously) and that's something which would take longer than a few months to regain.

I'm worried I'll be getting loads of pressure from everyone out there (and H) the whole time, about emigrating, when all I really want is a holiday. wink

myroomisatip Sat 29-Mar-14 16:04:32

Well you deserve a lovely holiday after these past months.

I hope you can stay detached and enjoy the break. Good luck.

MissScatterbrain Sat 29-Mar-14 15:28:45

Hope all goes well on holiday and good luck with the separation.

bullinthesea Sat 29-Mar-14 12:52:14

I've realised that it's probably not even worth bothering to mention the message now.
I'm just going to go & enjoy my holiday (after all I've paid my share) to Oz, and try to prepare myself mentally, then get some proper advice about separating when I return.

MissScatterbrain Thu 27-Mar-14 17:53:30

What did he say about the message?

Ivehearditallnow Thu 27-Mar-14 17:51:46

Don't go on the holiday with him. Let him take the DC and you can have a breather and make sense of all this shite. It'll be a holiday for YOU him being far away and at least then you don't have the pressure to put on a show of a united front.


bullinthesea Thu 27-Mar-14 15:06:07

I suppose I was hoping that he wanted to repair things as much as I did, but that message he sent his mate shows me exactly what he really thinks of me.
No. I don't want to be like this in 10 years time.

Charlie01234 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:55:28

You must be exhausted always having to check up on him. You only get one life - can you imagine still living like this in 10 years time? Your posts make me so sad. I hope you find a way to become stronger and stop letting him control you like this.

CrushingCandies Wed 26-Mar-14 20:57:46

You and your son deserve so much better.

Stay strong.

anonacfr Wed 26-Mar-14 19:55:30

He's an arsehole.

You deserve so much better.

magoria Wed 26-Mar-14 17:35:37

He is making out it is your fault he cannot go out drinking not his fault because he is a dirty rotten cheat who can't keep it in his pants and is supposed to be working on repairing the damage he has done.

Cheaters are so selfish and self absorbed that even after the destruction they cause they cannot see that they have done anything.

Stay strong and take no bull.

Ivehearditallnow Wed 26-Mar-14 17:32:33

He's working late because....?

Ugh. I couldn't live like that. Good luck OP x

bullinthesea Wed 26-Mar-14 17:29:23

I haven't had chance as he's not back from work yet wink

Ivehearditallnow Wed 26-Mar-14 17:28:41

I just read all of this hoping for a happy ending... sad

Really hope that your new job gives you a bit of confidence and that in time you see things in perspective. I have to (I'm sorry) sympathize with the counselor - what are you expecting from this 'man'? Sounds like a lot of you (perfectly understandable) rage has been misplaced in her direction. She was probably hoping you'd spend your money on getting away from your DH instead. My Relate counsellor saved me from going totally potty and I'd recommend going back by yourself - with someone else obvs if you don't like this one. Expect painful questions though... they do some good.

And remember - if you see a nice looking colleague at your new job and there's an empty office near by, go for it. Sounds like you deserve it smile

If I were you I'd not go on the holiday and have some time alone to think, reflect, heal and make plans. But that's just me.

All the very very very best x


MissScatterbrain Wed 26-Mar-14 17:25:07

Sadly I think you are being rational - that message would really piss me off after everything that has happened. What did he say when you pulled him up on this?

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 26-Mar-14 16:27:50

He is and always was a disrespectful arse.

myroomisatip Wed 26-Mar-14 16:22:54

From your update it does not seem as if he is really committed to your marriage.

I hope that whatever decision you make you will be happy. Have you been to a solicitor to find out where you stand if you decide to divorce? The more information you have the more confident you will feel about separating.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 26-Mar-14 16:14:54

Well like many readers of your op, I've always loathed your sniveling lying cheating husband so I'm pleased to hear that you are making plans to leave.


MargotThreadbetter Wed 26-Mar-14 16:11:25

It all sounds like very hard work to me OP.
Is he really worth it?

bullinthesea Wed 26-Mar-14 16:07:59

Thanks missscatterbrain,

I have got a lot better at pulling him up on stuff (I never used to, always used to let things go for fear of 'rocking the boat') and I do now say something as soon as I get the chance, otherwise it niggles at me for a while.

He did go to therapy for about 6 weeks after the affair came to light, but I really think he needs much longer - they didn't even touch on his OCD etc. his choice to go at the end of the day tho.

bullinthesea Wed 26-Mar-14 16:01:11

Yes, I think that I'm not particularly happy today, as I'm poorly with a dodgy stomach. Then I spotted that message (I'm off work so have idle hands) and felt quite annoyed by it.

Yes, I agree about the trust, at this point in time, he's meant to be trying to earn that back if he wants things to work out. I wish I could trust again but that will take time.
This holiday is meant to be about togetherness & rebuilding, having proper time as a family - not going out on the beers like he's a single man with his mate!

Maybe I'm just really irritated by it now & not thinking rationally about it.
I expect I'll calm down in a bit.

MissScatterbrain Wed 26-Mar-14 15:52:10

Welcome back.

I often think that the cheater's process of changing one's core character and addressing flaws is what holds up recovery from an affair. This is especially true if his views/beliefs/habits are ingrained. Challenging these can be such a bore and a chore that often the betrayed party loses all respect for him, realising that separating is probably the easiest and best route.

Are you pulling him up on the stuff you have mentioned, explaining that you both should have an equal partnership and that he needs to be showing far more consideration and respect towards you?

Has he been doing any work on himself? If so, what has he done so far?

AdminGirl Wed 26-Mar-14 15:48:17

A relationship without trust is not worth it

LavenderGreen14 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:43:47

I don't think you sound happy at all either. Just very sad and like you have to police and analyse his every move. He doesn't treat you very well at all and doesn't seem to have any respect. What are you going to do when he does it again?

bullinthesea Wed 26-Mar-14 15:29:35

Yes, thanks Linguini, I was just posting an update wink

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