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My DH has had an emotional affair

(470 Posts)
bullinthesea Tue 18-Jun-13 14:52:29


I don't post very much, but I am a frequent lurker!

Sadly, I have discovered that my DH has been having an emotional affair with a woman at his work. I have met her a few times over the years, and have always liked her! (Not any more!).

He was supporting me through a nasty bout of depression, and she was also having problems with family illness etc, and it seems they got too close, whilst chatting. He has always been the type to help others out. I think perhaps his 'knight in shining armour' came out when he came across this 'damsel in distress'!

There were emails/Facebook messages/texts, (the texts were all deleted, but in plain sight on our joint itemised bill!).

I discovered the whole lot on Friday night, and confronted him on Saturday morning.

I told him to sit down and tell me the truth. He says that it was just a load of flirty e-mails, and that he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, that it had all fizzled out and that he regretted it. He was very remorseful, and asked whether I could ever forgive him. I told him it was about being able to trust him again.

I found comments such as

Him "I must have been on your mind, was this email meant for Mr X?"
Her "you're always on my mind"
Him "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"


Her "thank you for earlier, I feel a lot better now !!"
Him "yeah, me too, can meet up on Wednesday for a follow up if it helps smile"

Her "is there anything else I can do for you"
Him "there may be a couple of things that may rise up"

Him " look at you working on xyz"
Her "can never be too prepared?"
Him "I am always prepared!"

She also kept asking him about his knees, on one occasion, they were organising some work time, and he responded with:
Him "should be good"
Her " what do you mean, SHOULD......... Are your knees hurting?"
Him "no, they have recovered, it's my calf, I pulled it running this morning"

Another message went:
Her "how are your knees and feet now"
Him "well, no carpet burns! How are you, we,ve been thinking about you?"

Then there was the time about six months ago, when he was having some funny turns. He had to spend the day at hospital having tests. He had already phoned into work, to tell them that he wouldn't be in that day, and yet I discovered that he'd emailed her from the hospital, to tell her about the tests and said that it was scary, there were loads of exclamation marks at the end (and on lots of the other emails too). He then emailed her again later about the results, with the same message that he had texted to me a few minutes prior, but he'd added extra exclamation marks on hers.

A lot of the content of these emails (and some others that I haven't written about) suggests that things may have got physical.

He strongly denies that it got physical, and says that he doesn't even find her physically attractive. He has said that it was exciting, and that she had made him feel good, as it had felt like she wanted him. He also told me that she had tried to kiss him at an Xmas do a few years ago, but he didn't kiss back, and had thought it was odd.

I asked if he thought she might have a bit of a thing for him, and he paused and said, "yeah, probably".

I have told him that I am going to get tested for STIs, just in case, as I'm not sure I can believe what he's telling me, and want to be sure that I haven't caught anything.

We both cried a lot, and he buried his head in my lap and told me he was so sorry over and over.

I do love him very much, and feel that we became distant, (although things had been much better recently), that we need to focus on our marriage much more (he agreed) and do our best to recover the strong love that we always used to have.

Only thing is, if it did get physical, then I would have to end the relationship.

I am so confused, I can barely concentrate on anything, and I haven't a clue where I'd start if I suddenly found myself single - I'm a sahm, my son is 7, and I am not bringing in any income at the moment, so he supports us all financially.

I just don't know what to do next.....

Junebugjr Wed 26-Jun-13 21:29:02

Anxiety and depression?? Smacks of another bullshit excuse, sorry to be so blunt OP.
I can't see how someone suffering from these debilitating illnesses would be up to firing off explicit emails, and having the energy to chase round after other women. You must be a very calm person, to be so willing to sit down and read chapters of books with him, I'd be screaming like a banshee at him, and sending all his clothes to the OWs desk at work grin

I would suggest to take time out to decide what you want. It can be tempting to just rush in and start rebuilding your relationship without giving it the proper thought, but ask yourself questions that only you will know, can you really forgive, can you carry on the rest of your life in a relationship where you'll never know if he physically cheated. I'd give yourself a few weeks mulling things over and then make a decision. Best of luck.

Junebugjr Wed 26-Jun-13 21:30:24

Oh yes, and what 34DD said. Shaft away.

Spartacus101 Wed 26-Jun-13 21:32:17

I thought that re the 'cheating ex' convenient little reason for an STI there. hmm sad

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 21:33:17

I thought it had gotten physical.

Then I read this: '' I agree, he should get one (he's also just admitted that his ex cheated on him & he didn't even think of getting checked after the event.''

And now I KNOW it has gotten physical.

No doubt. Not a single doubt.

This is where you need to decide if you'd like to do something morally dubious. If you do, then please read on.

Next week you sit down with him, and you tell him that you received the results and it appears you have chlamydia.

At this stage he will go white as a sheet, and start mumbling about his ex, blah blah blah. Then, you simply hold up your hand and say: ''Wait. When I heard the news about the chalmydia, I started to really panic because if you live with that STI for long enough, your fertility can be irreperably damaged. I started crying, and the nurse told me she was going to give me antibiotics to get rid of it, but she also told me not to worry too much, because they are able to get a sense of how long the infection has been present, and I have had the chalmydia for approximately 6 months.'' Then sadly shake your head and start to cry (that won't be acting, I presume).

Of course the 'science' is bullshit (I think?!). But in the moment he'll be panicking so much, he will believe it's possible and really won't have much choice but to admit it. Unless he's one of those annoying people who continue to deny the very blatant to their dying breath.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 21:36:07

I think the latter going off past performance, waddle

Spartacus101 Wed 26-Jun-13 21:45:12

God Waddle, wish I'd had you around when my ex husband had an STI that the dr 'told him' he could have caught off a toilet seat or towel hmm Obviously I knew it was BS but I wish I'd used your tactics smile

SoggySummer Wed 26-Jun-13 21:45:23

OH dear - he is spinning you a massive web of deceit and lies. Anything to save his bacon.

Wake up and smell the coffee. You are prolonging the misery and the pain.

I know its never balck and white when its your life but

SoggySummer Wed 26-Jun-13 21:46:08

oops sorry posted too soon.

But - the evidence is all there, its just too painful for you to fully accept it without his admission.

AThingInYourLife Thu 27-Jun-13 10:29:43

You don't even need the lie about "they can tell when you got the infection".

Just say they screened you when you were pregnant and you didn't have it then.

But I think waddle's idea is not bad if you actually need to hear him admit he's a liar and won't trust your own brain to see the bleeding obvious.

lottieandmia Thu 27-Jun-13 11:54:18

OP how long have you been together? He sounds pathetic tbh. The shaking and nervous twitch are sure signs that much more has been going on between them than email and texting. He must feel very guilty indeed to have physiological reactions of this kind.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 27-Jun-13 12:01:09

He has never talked so much, opened up so freely!

He's known all along what he's jeopardised. Emotional or physical affair, it's a hammer blow. You can't pull him back from the brink if he's jumping on the edge. According to him he nearly told you about her last week. "Don't be cross with me Mummy I tried to be good". Cue tears. Pat tummy.

The timing is worth considering. He'll be woolly on that. He must hope OW doesn't copy you in. She might yet.

He knew the risk. Is he claiming this was a diversion from your depression or his? The implied carer fatigue was a twist of the knife. Shining armour decidedly duller now.

Let him talk but listen and spot the gaps or evasions.

bullinthesea Sat 29-Jun-13 08:59:34

He's finally admitted it, he shagged her.

EliotNess Sat 29-Jun-13 08:59:55


Thisisaeuphemism Sat 29-Jun-13 09:01:28

Oh bull, how painful. He is such a twat.

JamieOliveOil Sat 29-Jun-13 09:11:54

Oh shit. How are doing? Come and talk when you're ready.

cocolepew Sat 29-Jun-13 09:22:12

I've been following this thread, so sorry it has turned out this way.

TDada Sat 29-Jun-13 09:24:18

Sorry about this. Really sorry. It sounded as though you love each other earlier in the thread and I was wishing you well on the road to recovery. I hope that you find solution that gives you peace and happiness.

GetStuffezd Sat 29-Jun-13 09:31:07

Another one who's been following. I really am sorry. What a bastard to lie to your face. Do you have a friend available?

KnittedC Sat 29-Jun-13 09:39:11

Oh no, I've been following this thread too and was hoping you were ok. So sorry to hear this. Offering you a hand to hold if you'd like.

ChasedByBees Sat 29-Jun-13 09:45:39

I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?

98percentchocolate Sat 29-Jun-13 10:12:50

So, so sorry. Can you go for a walk to get some air and take some time away from him?

Xales Sat 29-Jun-13 10:39:33

At least now you know.

It's shit and nasty but you are not looking at him knowing he is lying and going crazy because you can't prove it.

Right now he has to become the lowest thing on you list of priorities.

He has put himself first. He has been crying and sad and hurt for himself and being caught out. Not because he hurt you.

Now is the time for you to look after you. Take care of yourself and make sure you get the help and support you need from any source. Friends, family or counselling.

Go and see a solicitor and CAB. If you decide to try and work on you relationship you won't need to use is however knowledge is power and you will not be as scared of other options if you know where you stand.

RinseAndRepeat Sat 29-Jun-13 10:39:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sariah Sat 29-Jun-13 10:43:35

Glad he came clean op. At least now you can decide from a position of truth what is best for you. Sorry you had to go through this. Hope you are OK.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 29-Jun-13 10:45:07

Very sorry bullinthesea.

How could he put you through this.

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