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My DH has had an emotional affair

(470 Posts)
bullinthesea Tue 18-Jun-13 14:52:29


I don't post very much, but I am a frequent lurker!

Sadly, I have discovered that my DH has been having an emotional affair with a woman at his work. I have met her a few times over the years, and have always liked her! (Not any more!).

He was supporting me through a nasty bout of depression, and she was also having problems with family illness etc, and it seems they got too close, whilst chatting. He has always been the type to help others out. I think perhaps his 'knight in shining armour' came out when he came across this 'damsel in distress'!

There were emails/Facebook messages/texts, (the texts were all deleted, but in plain sight on our joint itemised bill!).

I discovered the whole lot on Friday night, and confronted him on Saturday morning.

I told him to sit down and tell me the truth. He says that it was just a load of flirty e-mails, and that he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, that it had all fizzled out and that he regretted it. He was very remorseful, and asked whether I could ever forgive him. I told him it was about being able to trust him again.

I found comments such as

Him "I must have been on your mind, was this email meant for Mr X?"
Her "you're always on my mind"
Him "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"


Her "thank you for earlier, I feel a lot better now !!"
Him "yeah, me too, can meet up on Wednesday for a follow up if it helps smile"

Her "is there anything else I can do for you"
Him "there may be a couple of things that may rise up"

Him " look at you working on xyz"
Her "can never be too prepared?"
Him "I am always prepared!"

She also kept asking him about his knees, on one occasion, they were organising some work time, and he responded with:
Him "should be good"
Her " what do you mean, SHOULD......... Are your knees hurting?"
Him "no, they have recovered, it's my calf, I pulled it running this morning"

Another message went:
Her "how are your knees and feet now"
Him "well, no carpet burns! How are you, we,ve been thinking about you?"

Then there was the time about six months ago, when he was having some funny turns. He had to spend the day at hospital having tests. He had already phoned into work, to tell them that he wouldn't be in that day, and yet I discovered that he'd emailed her from the hospital, to tell her about the tests and said that it was scary, there were loads of exclamation marks at the end (and on lots of the other emails too). He then emailed her again later about the results, with the same message that he had texted to me a few minutes prior, but he'd added extra exclamation marks on hers.

A lot of the content of these emails (and some others that I haven't written about) suggests that things may have got physical.

He strongly denies that it got physical, and says that he doesn't even find her physically attractive. He has said that it was exciting, and that she had made him feel good, as it had felt like she wanted him. He also told me that she had tried to kiss him at an Xmas do a few years ago, but he didn't kiss back, and had thought it was odd.

I asked if he thought she might have a bit of a thing for him, and he paused and said, "yeah, probably".

I have told him that I am going to get tested for STIs, just in case, as I'm not sure I can believe what he's telling me, and want to be sure that I haven't caught anything.

We both cried a lot, and he buried his head in my lap and told me he was so sorry over and over.

I do love him very much, and feel that we became distant, (although things had been much better recently), that we need to focus on our marriage much more (he agreed) and do our best to recover the strong love that we always used to have.

Only thing is, if it did get physical, then I would have to end the relationship.

I am so confused, I can barely concentrate on anything, and I haven't a clue where I'd start if I suddenly found myself single - I'm a sahm, my son is 7, and I am not bringing in any income at the moment, so he supports us all financially.

I just don't know what to do next.....

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Sat 13-Jul-13 12:29:19

Or what AF said... That works too. Stop being so good at shorthand explanations AF!! smile

AnyFucker Sat 13-Jul-13 12:34:14

This man is truly awful. Not much more to say. If op takes him back she will regret it bitterly.

Lizzabadger Sat 13-Jul-13 15:15:51

He sounds like a complete narc, sorry. I think you would be much happier in the long term if you leave him.

Lilly3000 Sat 13-Jul-13 18:28:05

AnyFucker, back along the thread you said if my H were to cheat I would hope he had respect and affection for the woman he shagged. I assumed you'd been in the same boat. confused. Things can look very different outside the glass house than from within. Anyway, do you really think he saw her as a piece of meat? Of course not. This was a close relationship that went on for years. This man has screwed up big time and is bandying around panicky, shitty excuses so that he doesn't lose everything. He's not necessarily saying what he really thinks, but what he mistakenly thinks the OP wants to hear. He's desperate - Excellent. About time. He's also emotionally retarded, that much is crystal clear. I suspect he is very ashamed. Hopefully he'll do something about dealing with his failings, especially as he's got a son. Some people have strong moral compasses, others don't. Those with, are often drawn to those without, and vice-versa. The trick is when to know when to stop the dance. That's the OP's call.

Thisisaeuphemism Sat 13-Jul-13 19:41:11

Well there's cheating and there's having an affair over many years. There's minimizing and then there's swearing on your child's life that it was purely emotions, developing some phoney twitch, then doing a massive turnabout saying it was only sex.

This guy is a conman who has been leading a double life for god knows how long. The idea that the op sits reading books about affairs with him makes me feel really sad.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 19-Jul-13 12:19:27

Hell Bull... Just wanted to say you're in my thoughts. flowers

bullinthesea Fri 19-Jul-13 19:13:45

Thanks SpecialAgent, and to all posters for your posts, they're much appreciated.

H now tells me that when I ask questions about the affair, he gets, well if he'd been truthful from the it any wonder I have questions!

I'll get on & post a more in depth post soon, when I get a minute.

Thanks again, Bull wink

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis Fri 19-Jul-13 19:15:27

I've been thinking about you, hope that you are staying strong.

onefewernow Fri 19-Jul-13 23:30:45

Frustrated? What an utter twat he is.

Please do leave him.

tessa6 Fri 19-Jul-13 23:37:06

Glad you see clearly how unreasonable that is. People become frustrated and angry when their obvious inconsistencies are pointed out. It makes them feel bad about themselves and so defensive. It is yet another clue to his guilt and deception I'm afraid. People who are truly honest will answer in an almost relieved way, because there's no way of being caught out because it's the truth.

Xales Fri 19-Jul-13 23:38:31

Four weeks since you found out that he was having an affair. Several of which he lied about it being physical.

You have only known for a few weeks and he gets frustrated when you ask sad

His only concern is how uncomfortable this is making him. He doesn't care about how hurt you are he just wants it swept under the carpet because he has confessed and told you she meant nothing all those years.

He isn't exactly making an effort to help you get over his infidelity is he!

He is the only priority he has.

Bogeyface Fri 19-Jul-13 23:45:43

He gets "frustrated" because each time you ask him about it he is forced to hold up a mirror to his true self. He has no choice but to see the man he really is, not the man he imagines himself to be.

He doesnt like doing that, he doesnt want to do that. As long as he denies all that he did (to himself) then your marriage doesnt stand a chance because he will do it again.

captainmummy Sat 20-Jul-13 11:55:31

He gets frustrated? What about you? He may have brushed it under the carpet, but if you have questions, then what is he going to do about them?

He wants to move on so that you STFU.

bullinthesea Mon 22-Jul-13 15:16:25

Hi all,
Thanks again for your excellent posts.

Although we're still 'together' as such & under the same roof, I'm starting to consider my options, now that I've calmed down a little.

As mentioned before, I went down to the CAB recently, they gave me some basic advice, and directed me to their website.

I don't have a clue if I'd be able to claim anything yet, I'm going to see about getting an appointment to see someone with regards to that. I'm terrified!

I've also been in touch with my old employer, to see if I could work a few hours for them. Still waiting to hear back on that one.

H says he wants to stay & work on the marriage, that he doesn't know what he was thinking etc etc etc...
He also started on antidepressants last Saturday. I honestly think he should have done that years ago.
Again, he keeps coming to me for reassurance, asking me to tell him that I love him etc, wanting to spend almost every waking moment with me, it's like he's suddenly become very insecure (confusing for me!).
He says that he will never let me down again, and is now talking of us all moving abroad! I'm not sure I could do that with a person I barely trust or recognise anymore.

He says he didn't realise I loved him so much hmm

I had to drive past his school today for the first time since I found out, I shuddered, as it hit me that that's where he shagged her sad

So, I'm still finding it all really tough, I have moments where I feel the full shock of what's happened and it hits me like a steam train.

I have moments where I want to phone her and get her side of the story, but I'm worried I'd say something I'd regret.

I also have monents of wanting to let her husband in on this, after all, as far as she's concerned, she's got away with it!! But again, more kids lives would be affected, I just couldn't do that.

Anyway, I will continue to ask him questions as much as I want, and won't STFU, lol smile

Thanks again for helping me to see the wood for the trees everyone wink


tessa6 Mon 22-Jul-13 15:22:39

Well done, bull. I hope these words translate into solid actions one of these days: 'asking me to tell him that I love him '. Sigh. Doesn't seem likely.

I know you're terrified but don't worry. I'm not sure anything could be more scary than spending a life with an unfaithful narcissist who won't show you all the things you deserve to be shown (statements, phone records, texts, emails) and yet is willing to stay if he's loved enough.
He is.

Take take take.

Take take take.

All the best. Be brave. Be the best version of yourself.

onefewernow Mon 22-Jul-13 15:33:17

Bull I'm sorry to say it but he does want reassurance. He is fearful that you may leave him. However, he needs to shift himself a lot further than this in order for you to have any confidence and he is trying to avoid that. Because this is about him, even his need for you is all about him.

LisaMed Mon 22-Jul-13 16:03:23

If you move abroad together it will be harder for you to get support in rl and harder for you to leave him. Just sayin.

If he spends every moment with you then it gives you less of a chance to get your head straight. He keeps asking you to tell him you love him because if you say it often enough then it may be fact and he can also turn around and say - you can't leave me, you love me.

Wishing all the luck in the world. I also hope you can prioritise your feelings over his.

Xales Mon 22-Jul-13 16:21:45

He, he, he, he ...

He was perfectly fine until you discovered all this.

He is still after you to mummy and re assure him just like when he was lying with his head in your lap.

He is relying on your maternal instinct to mother and protect his skanky arse.

Who is comforting you?

bullinthesea Tue 06-Aug-13 20:21:03

Hi again, just updating to say that we had another Relate session today.

I told her I wanted to know the full truth about everything, as I felt that I was still not being told everything, and he had not been honest from the start. She began to probe him, and he admitted that the other woman had wanted to take things further - not running off together - more like spending nights in hotels together etc.

I expressed shock at this, & then the counsellor turned on me and basically said that if I was going to react like that (I wasn't explosive by a long shot), then how was DH going to feel!!

She then seemed to steer the conversation in a different direction, mainly talking about what was wrong in our marriage for this situation to come about.

I have since asked DH if he was tempted by the idea of the hotels, and it seems as though he was, although he said he hadn't wanted things to go that far.

I mentioned the bit about the baby gift, she said that she thought I was fantasising, and that men wouldn't even think twice about that gift being on DS's wall all these years, in the same way that us women would. She did however acknowledge that having that gift there will now feel like it was an intrusion into our home/marriage.

When she heard that he'd been shagging her in the school, she said "I'm glad my child doesn't go to your school".

I felt so low when I left, I burst into tears (something I've not done an awful lot, but when I do it's like floods!).

Still feeling quite low now tbh, it's like another dribble of truth coming out, that was hard to hear.

He says that he doesn't think she wanted him to leave me, but it sounds like she wanted to get more involved than he did.

I still haven't decided what ill do either way, but I am going to give the relate a go in the meantime.

tessa6 Tue 06-Aug-13 20:25:28

oh bull, i'm sorry it's so hard. I know it's not what you want to hear but it really sounds like you're nowhere near the whole truth yet. I will say, for the umpteenth time, nothing he says is trustable. WHERE ARE THE PHONE RECORDS, EMAILS AND CREDIT CARD BILLS?

Counsellors are only of use when they have the truth to analyse. She is doing a poor job with poor information here. She has to assume he is telling the truth. She can't force him into honesty. Only his own words would do that (emails and texts). I just don't understand why you haven't insisted that all these things be handed over.

Please don't let the counselling get you down. You're not crazy, you're the sane one.

Bogeyface Tue 06-Aug-13 20:26:04

Wow, you counsellor doesnt sound that great tbh. I would be considering asking for another one!

Who the eff did she expect you to react? By asking you accepted that you may not like what you hear, but that doesnt mean you cant react at all! Then her comment about the school thing, well yes, she is right I wouldnt want my child there either. But her job isnt to pass comment like that. She could have said something like "Do you think that it was appropriate to be having sex in your place of work, especially considering it is a place where children are?".

She doesnt sound good at all. Has he been charming her by any chance?

Xales Tue 06-Aug-13 20:26:36

I expressed shock at this, & then the counsellor turned on me and basically said that if I was going to react like that (I wasn't explosive by a long shot), then how was DH going to feel!!

Hopefully like a dirty sleazy cheat who has broken his wife's heart and destroyed their marriage.

Exactly how he should feel.

Nice of your counsellor to try and protect his feelings by dismissing yours hmm

Doha Tue 06-Aug-13 20:31:37

I second getting another counsellor

AnyFucker Tue 06-Aug-13 20:34:51

Sack that fucking counsellor

And sack your husband, of course


mousebacon Tue 06-Aug-13 21:49:36

What AF said x a million. sad

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