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Help me, my heart is breaking

(41 Posts)
mamadrama1986 Mon 17-Jun-13 21:57:12

My mother dislikes my DP.
We have been together 2 years, engaged for 6 months. I've always known that he earns less than my parents would have liked, but ultimately I thought they liked him. They said they did.

My mother is very controlling, and I am well aware that I seek her approval for everything, she knows this too. Therefore, even though I am 27 she has a lot of influence. This is definitely partly my own fault.

When my DP proposed my first thought was that my mum would not approve. It was literally my first thought, as he was on one knee with a ring. I've cried about this a lot since and only told one person in RL. Then he said everyone at home already knew and I cried in relief (he thinks it's because I was touched that he asked my dad). My parents said they were happy, we had wedding discussions.

My DP and I both live at home. I am buying a house and we are going to live together. There is a difference in earnings and savings, hence I am buying the house. My parents have been fine with this for the last 10 weeks. I am a week away from completion and they have turned against my DP and have decided he's only with me for my money.

I have been good at saving, he has not. I went to university and I have a good career. I earn above the average wage, but it's by no means megabucks. I'm not going to paint myDP as a saint, he's a postman and currently works 29 hours a week, so technically not full time. He does need to pull his finger out and get a full time job. My mother has always known this, he's not hidden anything from them.

For the past 2 days I have been subjected to a torrent of venom from my mother about my DP. He's using me, he doesn't love me, I'll never be able to afford to have children and if I do they will be little chavs, they wanted better for me, I can do better blah blah blah.

They say he doesn't show me affection and our relationship is not normal. My DP is very uncomfortable around my parents because they've never hidden that they don't think he's good enough. So he isn't himself around them.

My mother wants me to find a man who earns enough that I can retire at 30 to have babies like she did. Never mind that my DP is warm, caring, trustworthy, funny, makes me feel loved and safe. She only sees the lack of pound signs.

I've had this none stop during breakfast this morning and for nearly an hour after I came home from work. Work was actually 10 hours of blessed relief.

I know they want what's best for me but this is making me miserable. I feel like any second she's going to hiss and spit at me that I have to choose. She said this morning that any inheritance will go to my children not me "because he's not getting any of it, so there's no use waiting for us go die". She can be very hurtful. It's not the money, it's they attitude behind this that upsets me.

The worst part is that she keeps saying that he doesn't love me and he's using me, so much that I'm starting to wonder, what if it is true? I've never doubted DP loves me and I don't think money has anything to do with that.

Sorry this is so long, I dont mind if nobody reads or replies,It was good just to get it out. I dont have any close friends and I can't talk to DP about it, I cant say all this hurtful shit to him.

I just don't know what to do.

pictish Mon 17-Jun-13 22:03:28

Hi there.
What an awful scenario for you - I didn't want it to slip off the board without a reply.
It goes without saying that your parents do not get to choose your future husband. Only you can make that choice.

My immediate reaction is to keep them at arms length until they can behave. Oh - and marry your dp of course!

I'm so sorry they are being like this. Is it just out and out snobbery or what?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Mon 17-Jun-13 22:04:03

Do you love him? Does he make you happy? Do you a think you're parents are right about him?

Your relationship is none of their buisiness and you shouldn't allow them to run your life, it's natural for parents to be concerned but not for them to feel they have any say in what goes on

You need to take a step back. If my parents spoke about my DH like that I would be furious and tell them in no uncertain terms that it was not on

ImperialBlether Mon 17-Jun-13 22:08:52

Well, I think she needs to take a step back, but I can understand her worrying about your finances. He isn't working full time. Could he? You are the one buying a house, which he will live in, too. He will then have rights to that house, won't he? I can see why she would worry that if you had children you wouldn't be able to manage. She's dealt with it badly. I can see how he doesn't feel comfortable around her but is there any truth in what she says about him not being affectionate?

I think she's panicking and it's showing her in a bad light.

Optimist1 Mon 17-Jun-13 22:09:13

It seems as though the imminent house purchase has sent your mother into overdrive. She's had you under her influence all the time you've been living under her roof and the penny has finally dropped that you're not going to be there in future. She's lashing out in a mean and hurtful way. Shame on her.

You, on the other hand are about to move into your very own house (with your DP?) and start a more independent life. You love him, he loves you - cling to this. She may have even more hurtful comments in her arsenal, but tell yourself it's only xx days till you're away from them. Keep strong, tell her to keep her opinions to herself and focus on your future.

She'll probably have a massive sulk, but you'll be busy with your new home and your man, so let her sulk!

ExitPursuedByABear Mon 17-Jun-13 22:10:02

Only you can decide. I am sorry your parents are behaving like this, but I am sure they have your best interests at heart. If DP is right for you they will come to realise that.

Xales Mon 17-Jun-13 22:18:11

My mother is very controlling, and I am well aware that I seek her approval for everything, she knows this too.

You have said it yourself in a nutshell. This is not about your DP. It is your mother.

She will destroy your relationship with your DP. She will interfere in any future relationship you will have. She will interfere if you get pregnant with any DC. She will not stop.

The only way to stop this is for you to get help from some external source like counselling to break the lifetime of habit you have grown up with.

And it is not going to be pretty because your mother will not let go easy.

Only one person can change this. You.

mamadrama1986 Mon 17-Jun-13 22:56:22

Thanks for the replies, I didn't expect so many.

My DP is very affectionate when we are together but acts very reserved around my parents, especially my mother because she is rude to him.

My DP could work full time but his job pays well per hour so many full time jobs earn the same or less for full time. But I agree he could do more, like I said he's not a saint. With regards to the house he has no rights to it if we were to split up (checked with solicitor) and he is aware that without a full time job or 2 part time jobs we will not able to have children without a struggle financially. I have told him it's important to me that he tries to get more hours because I would like to have children.

My mother is used to being in control of everything and everyone. I agree that she is panicking and realising she can't control this. She has done this before, decided she didnt like my last boyfriend and went on and on. In the end I stood up to her and told her to back off. He was an arse, and I realised that and we split up, so I guess she feels she got her own way. She didn't, it was my choice.

I think there is snobbery here, not that we are posh or anything, my dad works hard. Mum hasn't worked really since she had me, I'm 27. She keeps changing her mind about stuff- one minute she's saying I shouldn't look for a second hand sofa as I can afford new, now she's saying I shouldn't buy new (its only IKEA!) and I should look inthd red cross shop! I never know if what was ok 5 minutes ago is going to spark an argument. Eggshells come to mind.

I realise my mother will interfere when I have a DC. It's been on my mind. It's even crossed my mind that she's so likely to have a go at me if she feels the financial situation is wrong that I'd be better off saying it was accidental, even if much wanted and tried for.... I'm not thinking about getting pregnant but I think about these things.

I feel I need to talk to someone. I have a family friend (more mine than family) who is objective, a mum herself and would listen but she's very busy and I don't want to be a pain or burden her. I feel quite unwell, emotionally I mean. My sister is the historic depressive who used to self harm, so nobody dares upset her, but nobody considers I might be feeling the same.

babyhmummy01 Mon 17-Jun-13 23:03:10

Your mum sounds like a nightmare. But you need to take control.

If you love this man then tell her to butt out and let you live your life. Try using phrases like "you raised me to be independent" and "i love you and I appreciate your concerns but if this carries on you will lose me" it may take some harsh words to make her wake up.

Good luck

Fraxinus Mon 17-Jun-13 23:04:10

Hi drama,

Like others have said, this is all about your mum. It sounds like she might have been living life through her children a bit to much, so she is too invested in your decisions to be able to let you live your own life and make your own mistakes. You need to find a way to create some distance between you and her. A confrontation many not be easy, so think it through so that you are taking control in a way that is easy for you, and not as a response to her erratic and controlling behavior.

There is nothing wrong with being a postman. I know a lovely couple, the wife is a gp, and the husband is a postman. They are very happy and have 3 lovely children.

Yo seem to be making good decisions. Trust yourself. You are not a child any more, so stand firm in the course of action you have decided on.

Good luck!

jkklpu Mon 17-Jun-13 23:07:42

Others have said lots of sensible things. Can you move out to rent somewhere until you've completed on your house? it really sounds as though you need some physical distance from your Mum.

LadyBarlow Mon 17-Jun-13 23:13:26

God this was me when DH proposed. My parents had plenty to say, especially my Dad who was & still is a total arse about it. My DH is still made to feel v unwelcome in their home & whilst we've tried, it's now easier for me to pop & see them with the DCs without him because we can't be bothered with the hassle. The sad thing is, we've been together 20 yrs, live 1 mile from them & things could be very different.
Our survival techniques have been to stand united, be pleasant & polite but for the love of God stick to your guns about what matters to you & the decisions you make. Repeat like a mantra- I'm a grown up!! Your Dm is trying to wear you down.
However, despite all this, please be careful with buying the house, I think it's sensible for anyone to protect their interests & investment. It may not be romantic but I think it's important to look after your money & financial security.
Your relationship is between you & DP. No one else. Stand firm!

Triumphoveradversity Mon 17-Jun-13 23:16:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LapsedPacifist Mon 17-Jun-13 23:25:40

If you are only week away from completion then pack a bag and go and stay with a friend or in a cheap hotel for the next week. Don't engage with her and don't defend yourself or explain your actions - just tell her you are not prepared to be verbally abused and emotionally blackmailed.

You need to demonstrate to your mother that you are an adult woman, earning an adult wage, and can make adult decisions about what you do with YOUR money and YOUR life.

mcmooncup Mon 17-Jun-13 23:31:12

I was about to ask about your mum's situation but you answered it for me:

" Mum hasn't worked really since she had me"

I am possibly going to offend some people here, but it is not meant to be an insult. Anecdotally I see that if there is a mother who is very motivated by what the husband can provide for a daughter, i.e. cash, they have very often been SAHM's. My personal view is that they have probably at times in their marriage felt very vulnerable and the only thing they think has got them through it is the available cash.

Being reliant on a man sucks. Your mum has been reliant on a man all her life and she is projecting her fears about what it is like.

You are financially independent. Don't EVER give that up, especially when you have children.

Try and be really confident in your decisions and not be aggressive or rude to your mum, but maybe saying "you sound like you are worried about my financial status when or if I have children. I will always work, I have a good job and so will always be fine, even if my DP does turn out to be the a hole you think he is".

LessMissAbs Mon 17-Jun-13 23:38:07

I'm sorry, but if your DP is contributing to the house in any way, either to the deposit or to paying the mortgage or both, he will be entitled to a proportionate return of his outlay should you split up.

Your mother sounds like she wants you to turn into a golddigger(!) but actually there is something in what she says, should you marry and divorce, as with a man who supports a wife for a long time, a man who earns less than a woman may be entitled to aliment on divorce.

Are 29 hours per week normal for a postman? If not, at 29 and about to buy a first house with his partner, he should be doing more with his time.

You sound very immature and dependent on your parents for your age. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. But you are buying the house so go ahead! I take it from what you have said that it is in your own name? Why is your DP not on the mortgage and joint purchaser if his job pays well?

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Mon 17-Jun-13 23:47:39

Your partner sounds lazy. At his age he should be working full time and saving for the future. From what you have said he gets to live in your house without having to make any effort for it himself, that doesn't sound right to me. You need to have a really good think about this situation.

As a mother of adult children myself I can see where your mother is coming from. I would never say the things she is saying but I would have concerns.

mamadrama1986 Tue 18-Jun-13 00:02:25

Thanks everyone.

My dad said a while ago that he was pleased I was able to be financially independent. They seem to sway between liking my house, seeing it as a good investment and a good starter home and mourning the fact that if I had met a man with similar or better income and savings I could have got something bigger and more expensive. There seems to be no pride at all in the fact that I saved hard and at 27 am able to buy my own house, with no help from anyone, (except a mortgage obviously), which is harder and harder these days.

My mum does try to wear me down. I guess mostly it works. I am worried that she will get in a rage and tell me I have to choose between my family and my DP. I want a relationship with both, obviously. My DP and I have just spoken, he can tell I'm upset, he knows it's probably my mother's doing. I can't see them all getting along and it makes me very sad. Obviously I don't tell him what she says exactly.

I genuinely don't think money has anything to do with why he's with me, in fact he has said it would all be a lot easier if I had less of it. But we met online and mum thinks he saw my profession, which is one where people often think we earn more than we do, and is with me for my salary. I put my job on there so I would meet like minded people, or at least someone who wasn't disgusted like my first boyfriend (I do a normal job, honest, he was just weird!).

mamadrama1986 Tue 18-Jun-13 00:15:07

Regarding the house I am paying the mortgage, so the house is in my name, there no return to DP should we split up.

He is not on the mortgage because he had no savings to put down as deposit. My mum, funny enough, originally suggested buying the house with me putting down the deposit and splitting the mortgage, so owning different percentages of the house as tenants in common with a deed of trust drawn up by solicitor. The solicitor felt it wasn't wise financially so I decided to buy, primarily for my independence. A friend did a similar thing when she was in a position to buy and her DP was not.

We are furnishing the house together and obviously splitting all bills and living expenses. I can see his work ethic is not the best but he is looking for better work. At the end of the day, if it doesn't work out we go our separate ways and I still have my house. But if that happens if will be my decision, not due to the immense pressure to ditch him and stay at home under my mum's rule until a suitably rich man comes along and she agrees to release me to him.

mamadrama1986 Tue 18-Jun-13 00:19:52

And until a few months ago he had no idea I could afford a decent deposit on a house, it came as quite a surprise and was well after our engagement.

I guess I'm buying the house because, although he is saving well at the moment, it would be a long time until we could do it together and I don't want to wait that long for independence. I want to eat a meal in peace, it's the favourite time for an ambush at the moment. I'm treated like a child and I need distance to change that.

LessMissAbs Tue 18-Jun-13 00:22:03

Regarding the house I am paying the mortgage, so the house is in my name, there no return to DP should we split up

So he isn't paying anything at all to live there? While wise from the point of view of property ownership, does this not strike you as slightly odd?

Still be careful that if you split up and he is paying bills, maintenance and decoration costs, that he does not try to claim these back.

Is it perhaps the fact that he is a grown man who doesn't propose to pay anything at all for his own accommodation that is bothering your mother? Perhaps she simply means a man who is equal or near equal to you in terms of income and work ethic, and who could enable you to give up work should the time be right?

But yes, a good idea not to put him on the mortgage I think.

mamadrama1986 Tue 18-Jun-13 00:35:03

I think this is what she would like, the option for me to give up work should I wish to.

However, DP is aware of the need to buck his ideas up and, while I am aware that I cannot rely on things to change, surely he gets the chance to prove himself?

We have an arrangement 're him paying something for his accommodation but I'm trying not to out myself too much here, although I probably already have.

canineteeth Tue 18-Jun-13 00:54:18

Is your solicitor aware that you're engaged? Because although it's true that he'd have no claim to it while he's your DP, it would become a marital asset once you're married. He could be seen as contributing to it simply by enabling your career, particularly if you continue to work once you have dc, and it sounds like you'll have to do that. I have known women who were not on the mortgage to get half the house (and more) in a divorce because of this reasoning.

I think your mother's view is quite harsh, but I can also understand her concerns. I have known a few friends who, although they love their DHs, admit feeling frustrated once they have dc, at being the breadwinner and not having the option of taking longer maternity leave/being able to drop hours, because their DHs don't have enough earning capacity to keep the household going. There is also the risk that if anything happens to you (health, redundancy), your DH cannot pick up the slack financially on his salary - I've seen a few families fall victim to this and it's been worse in this economic climate as there's no safety net at all.

Having said that, I am a much lower earner than DH and I have a different work ethic to him - I enjoy my work but have other interests too, and DH is happy to support me in that. I've never had any negative attitudes to our different incomes/ambitions and I contribute to the household in many other ways. DH finds it much easier to run the household with me than he did on his own - due to my shorter/flexible working hours I'm able to deal with things like tradesmen, deliveries, housework, meals and DIY, so he can focus on his work. You might find it handy to have a DP who has shorter working hours and is around to deal with all of that as well, especially as you've never had to run your own household before.

mamadrama1986 Tue 18-Jun-13 01:07:53

Thanks canineteeth these are all valid points.

My solicitor is aware we are engaged. My DP has said he would not object to a pre nup agreement, which should signal to my mum that he's not the gold digger she thinks he is, she knows he has said this.

I am aware I may feel differently once I have DC, and this does concern me a bit.

My mum has a very old fashioned view on male and female roles. I pointed out that one of my male friends has his own house, bought in his name as he's single and if he met a girl with lower income then she would move in with him. She replied "but that would be the right way round" as in he would support her and that would be ok. Would it be ok if I was male and DP female, I wonder? I'm not sure.

Lavenderhoney Tue 18-Jun-13 06:21:42

You seem to have sorted out finances for when you marry, and it either of you do decide ( and one never really knows) to spilt, then future inequality of original financial input can be arranged.

Ensure the split of income when married is fair, either the same into a joint account for bills, own savings etc. also, if you did have children, there is no reason why he can't be a sahd if he is a postie doing those hours and you get to stay in a job you enjoy. ( that might set the cat among the pigeons) !

Its up to you who you choose as a life partner. Its also up to you to protect your assets as you see fit, and i think a back agreement or pre nup is fine. I think I would do a bit of straight talking with your parents tbh, and I would be interested to know why they have started to fuss now.

I would also say " this is the last time I am going to hear all this about my future dh, so get it all out now" write down all their concerns, answer them as best you can. If they don't like your answers its your choice in the end.

My parents were a bit like this, but as I got older and still unmarried with no hint of a gc, they dropped their standardssmile

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