Help me grow a backbone

[Dejected]

I am skint as many of us are. When I had some spare cash I kindly stupidly/naively loaned my friend some money to pay her rent for two months. She had left a DV relationship and was getting back on her feet. Well, time has passed and she is slowly but surely back on track. Admittedly she has moments of doubt etc but she is doing really well. However, she isn't paying me back. I've told her how tight things are for me and she is always saying she will give me some money but never does. I've told her I don't mind being paid back in installments but she always says she is skint. I wouldn't mind but she has money for new clothes, new shoes, wine and treats but NEVER has money to pay me back. I don't want to push too hard because I know she has been through hell.

On a different note years after I got divorced 10 years ago I loaned my mum a few thousand pounds (part of my divorce settlement) and she still hasn't paid me back. She gives me something if I ask beg but it is never more than £150 and she makes feel incredibly guilty just for asking. The relationship I have with her is awful and I've always wanted her to like me but fail miserably at every turn. She makes me feel awful if I ask for money but loves to tell me when she's got money. She never gives me any of it. My washing machine broke recently so I have been using hers as I have no money for the launderette or to buy a new one and she keeps moaning and asking me when I'm getting a new one. The one she has is actually mine from when I had to live with her that she refuses to give back. All I want is what is mine.

Someone give me a backbone please.

[DottyboutDots]

Tell them to give you your money back. The loan period is over.

[onetiredmummy]

Easier said than done OP :)

I imagine its hard to ask them face to face the cheeky bitches. Have you tried asking them in an email or by text? I know it sounds ridiculous but I'm not good at asking for money in person but when I write it down its more ordered & I don't have of those 'I should have said...' moments. Plus as you write it down you get angrier at their horribleness & less likely to taker their shit.

With your mum, is there a family member who can actively support you? Can you get a mate & a van & go & reclaim your washing machine?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't let pity for your friend hold you back from getting your money back. The DV is an entirely separate matter, you were a good friend to help her out and now she's just taking the piss. Mum's doing the exact same thing so keep pushing and don't feel awful for doing so.

It's a tough lesson but, unless you can afford not to be paid back, don't lend money to anyone. It doesn't make them like you... it just makes you a mug.

[Dejected]

It doesn't make them like you... it just makes you a mug.

^^ this is so true!!!!

All brilliant advice. It is hard to ask them face to face. I have just asked my mum for some money and she will try to manage something then gave me her usual sob story. When I see her tomorrow I will say if she can't pay me back the full amount I need so much per week. I have such a shit relationship with her anyway I feel like I'm just keeping her onside until I get my money back.

As for the friend I will say the same thing. A set amount per week on a set day until it is cleared.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Good luck, stay strong and be persistent even if it makes you unpopular. :)

[Dejected]

Well I certainly know where I stand with both!

Mum just put a deposit down on a new car but has no money for me and won't have any for four or five months. Friend just had her hair coloured by hairdresser, has plans for a weekend out but has no money for me.

That's it. I've had enough. I give up.

[joblot]

I'm a past master at seething, but it won't get your money back. I'd recommend a direct scripted approach for e.g. I have no money, I need the money I lent you back. What can you pay me now? And then can you paytthe rest on payday/ whenever. Installments are fine but I really can't manage without any longer...

Go on, give it a go, you've nothing to lose

[Xales]

Not much help but learn from this and never ever loan again what you cannot afford to give away.

Your friend and your mother are selfish bitches. You would be well within your rights to tell them so if you are happy to cut all ties.

[Walkacrossthesand]

I hesitate to suggest this, but - if you have a baaad relationship with your mum, and she owes you thousands of pounds, and she's refused to give back something that is yours that you now need because she finds it convenient to keep it and she's choosing to spend her money in other ways - you could try the small claims track of the county court? Costs a few quid to set up (£30 I think) but would show her you mean business and get you the money you so desperately need. At the moment she's taking the piss & disregarding your feelings, so there's not much of a relationship to preserve...,

[Dejected]

Definitely Xales the bank of Dejected is firmly closed!
joblot thank you that's a great script.
Walk that is everso tempting and well worth thinking about. Not a decision to take lightly but you are right she's taking the piss and disregarding my feelings so the relationship I would love to have doesn't exist.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Hi OP. Walk's advice is pretty good.

The best way to go about it is to send a Letter Before Action. This sets out the amount owed, gives a time limit to respond, usually 14 days, and the method of communication (email/letter).

After that, if she kicks off, just say politely "please put everything in writing".


Once 14 days has gone by without payment, go to Money Claim Online to start the claim. Gather as much evidence as you can: bank statements, texts, emails etc.

If it goes to court, the case is heard in your nearest County Court in front of a District Judge. It's fairly informal: no wigs or gowns and you might not be sworn. You represent yourself, but you can bring a friend to assist with paperwork, handholding or tissues.

I've done a couple, one paid before the hearing and the other afterwards, both in full.

HTH.

[ktef]

Your mum and friend are making me cross just reading about them!! How bloody rude! But maybe I'm annoyed because I can't do confrontation myself so have a lot of seething resentment inside from all the times I fail to stand up for myself! I really want you to keep going and get your money back, I think you may have to actually to point out to your friend that she seems to be spending the money she owes you on hair, clothes etc and that is not fair to you. You are going to have to spell it out. Which is something I can never do, so good luck!

[bleedingheart]

I'm furious on your behalf.
I hate owing anyone anything and the thought of buying luxuries when I owe somebody or having to be asked to pay it back is obscene to me!
I don't know how some people sleep at night!
I hope your 'friend' starts paying you back weekly.

Sometimes I think the borrower is so selfish they assume you must be able to afford to lose the money as they would never lend anything themselves.

[shellandkai]

You know op I am in the same situation (well kind of) I loaned my dad and his wife a couple of thousand to his mortgage and bills etc when I was 18 years later I still haven't seen a penny he earns alot and if I ask for any money he gives me literally £20 I have probably had £60 off him that was years ago but I find it difficult trying to get money back too :(

[joblot]

Hi dejected how are you doing?

[Dejected]

Hi everyone, thank you for the advice.

joblot I have had one hell of a few days thinking about things plus my car had to have the brakes done and that is costing me money I don't have. It's been a hard few days. I flit between thinking right I'm going to tell them I will take them to court if I don't get the response I need to thinking I can't do this, they are my friend and mum, I should show them respect (even though they aren't showing me any).

Why can't life be easy????

[joblot]

Life, tragically, is never easy. Have you managed to talk face to face yet? People don't alwaysrealise how much they upset another person. By being assertive you give them the benefit of the doubt