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Read his divorce papers - not looking good for me :-(

(63 Posts)
PepperPotter Sun 16-Jun-13 18:43:04

He's told me bits and pieces about why they divorced but the jist of it has always been that she was moody, aggressive, violent, lazy etc etc and although he never said the words - he made out that he had divorced her - saying he got sick of her in the end and couldn't put up with her any longer.

Well we've been living together just a week and I found and read his divorce papers.

SHE divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour stating that he was jealous and controlling throughout their relationship, not letting her have friends and driving away the friends she did have. He was controlling with finances not involving her in any financial matters (insurance, mortgages etc) and all such info was kept on a computer which was passworded. She said he was verbally abusive, often telling her that he didn't love her, didn't care about her and only cared about their children and that she should be happy she had someone willing to feed and clothe her. She said he was even more verbally aggressive after a drink. She also said he never showed her any love, affection, intimacy or compassion and was cold and emotionless towards her. She went on to say she had to ask him for money if ever she wanted to buy anything for herself or the kids and it would depend on his mood whether he agreed or not. She topped it off by saying he turned physically abusive and went on to describe an incident in which he kicked her and prevented her from getting into bed.

This has shit me up - more so because I've seen signs of all of this shit and just not acted on it telling myself I was being paranoid and over-reacting. On 3 different occasions he has become verbally abusive towards me after a drink. He's never tried to prevent me from going out but lately has made it awkward for me to do so and makes it obvious that he's not happy about it. He's insisted on sorted out all of my insurance and if ever I need to phone anyone (utilities/insurance etc) he insists on doing it for me. I thought he was just being helpful. His computer is indeed password protected (I just never bothered as I have my own laptop anyway). He does tend to withhold intimacy and despite it being a relatively new relationship, we can go a couple of weeks with no sex and it only resumes if I instigate it. During arguments he has made me cry with some of the things he's said and watched emotionless as I break down in front of him.

Anyway - as I said the incidents in our relationship are so far and few between that I have let it go telling myself it's all in my head but what has really pushed the button upon reading the divorce papers is the money situation. As I say, we've only been living together a week and we did our first grocery shop today. He controlled the whole trip saying we couldn't buy this, that and the other as we were saving money. I wanted to buy a plant for £2.50 - he said no as we couldn't afford it and then 10 minutes later went and bought a fryer for £20 that we didn't need.

I can't tell him I've read the divorce papers but I'm shitting myself over it - would I be naive to think that was their relationship and she could have pushed him to behave like that whilst our relationship is totally different? I have burnt bridges to live with him. Shitting bricks.

Earlybird Sun 16-Jun-13 22:46:33

Don't tell him you've read the divorce papers (unless he made them available to you?). He will be angry that you 'snooped' and 'invaded his privacy' - especially as he seems to have misled you about his past. He will turn it all 'round and somehow make it your fault.

It will be hard to leave, but I agree with the others that you must. I think you've had a lucky escape. Listen to your instincts. The longer you let this drag on, the harder it will be to go.

You don't need to get into the details, just say you've made a mistake and no longer want to be together. Get someone to help you pack - for ease and speed - but also so there is no chance for things to get ugly.

financialnightmare Sun 16-Jun-13 22:46:39

> You didn't just read his divorce papers. You read your own future.

Poor you. sad

Just like everyone else says. Get out while you can. Just say it's not working and you feel like you've made a mistake and aren't ready for that yet.

Or just say nothing. You don't have to. You owe him nothing.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 16-Jun-13 22:50:08

basically... run.

MustafaCake Sun 16-Jun-13 22:54:31

You did not need to read the divorce papers to know that this relationship is wrong. You said yourself that the red flags were there before you began living together.

Split up now, it will only get more difficult to do the longer you are together.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Sun 16-Jun-13 22:54:52

You poor thing. Second what financialnightmare said, this is your future. Please get out as soon as you can.

AKissIsNotAContract Sun 16-Jun-13 22:56:53

Hope you're ok OP. You need to get out now.

GobbySadcase Sun 16-Jun-13 22:57:44

Get out... Fast.

RenterNomad Sun 16-Jun-13 23:00:00

He is Bluebeard, and the divorce papers were the place where he keeps his (metaphorical) dead wives.

foreverondiet Sun 16-Jun-13 23:17:02

Not much to add other that you need to plan your exit - and also make a note of all the abuse so you have a record - even if its just to remind yourself why you have to leave.

Strokethefurrywall Mon 17-Jun-13 01:10:55

Hi ex wife was a strong enough woman to get out for herself and the sake of her children.

If she can get out, so can you. Let her be your inspiration. Leave now.

Mosman Mon 17-Jun-13 04:40:47

Honestly an hour with the ex wife should be mandatory for any woman considering marrying a man some other woman has already kicked to the kerb

MumnGran Mon 17-Jun-13 04:47:25

Pepper you may have "burned bridges" to live with him, but you have only been there a week you really want to crash & burn your life?

Even with the divorce papers I might have said stay, because divorces can sometimes be worded to ensure they get through court with no judicial queries ...but you are already witnessing the same behaviours!!
Do you want this to be the rest of your life? .....because sweetie, its not going to get any better and is pretty much guaranteed to get a lot worse.

Get out now, this week, before you get any deeper in.

SugarPasteGreyhound Mon 17-Jun-13 08:33:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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