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Read his divorce papers - not looking good for me :-(

(63 Posts)
PepperPotter Sun 16-Jun-13 18:43:04

He's told me bits and pieces about why they divorced but the jist of it has always been that she was moody, aggressive, violent, lazy etc etc and although he never said the words - he made out that he had divorced her - saying he got sick of her in the end and couldn't put up with her any longer.

Well we've been living together just a week and I found and read his divorce papers.

SHE divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour stating that he was jealous and controlling throughout their relationship, not letting her have friends and driving away the friends she did have. He was controlling with finances not involving her in any financial matters (insurance, mortgages etc) and all such info was kept on a computer which was passworded. She said he was verbally abusive, often telling her that he didn't love her, didn't care about her and only cared about their children and that she should be happy she had someone willing to feed and clothe her. She said he was even more verbally aggressive after a drink. She also said he never showed her any love, affection, intimacy or compassion and was cold and emotionless towards her. She went on to say she had to ask him for money if ever she wanted to buy anything for herself or the kids and it would depend on his mood whether he agreed or not. She topped it off by saying he turned physically abusive and went on to describe an incident in which he kicked her and prevented her from getting into bed.

This has shit me up - more so because I've seen signs of all of this shit and just not acted on it telling myself I was being paranoid and over-reacting. On 3 different occasions he has become verbally abusive towards me after a drink. He's never tried to prevent me from going out but lately has made it awkward for me to do so and makes it obvious that he's not happy about it. He's insisted on sorted out all of my insurance and if ever I need to phone anyone (utilities/insurance etc) he insists on doing it for me. I thought he was just being helpful. His computer is indeed password protected (I just never bothered as I have my own laptop anyway). He does tend to withhold intimacy and despite it being a relatively new relationship, we can go a couple of weeks with no sex and it only resumes if I instigate it. During arguments he has made me cry with some of the things he's said and watched emotionless as I break down in front of him.

Anyway - as I said the incidents in our relationship are so far and few between that I have let it go telling myself it's all in my head but what has really pushed the button upon reading the divorce papers is the money situation. As I say, we've only been living together a week and we did our first grocery shop today. He controlled the whole trip saying we couldn't buy this, that and the other as we were saving money. I wanted to buy a plant for £2.50 - he said no as we couldn't afford it and then 10 minutes later went and bought a fryer for £20 that we didn't need.

I can't tell him I've read the divorce papers but I'm shitting myself over it - would I be naive to think that was their relationship and she could have pushed him to behave like that whilst our relationship is totally different? I have burnt bridges to live with him. Shitting bricks.

CatherineofMumbles Sun 16-Jun-13 19:39:13

*During arguments he has made me cry with some of the things he's said and watched emotionless as I break down in front of him.

I'm not sure why you are still with him tbh....*

LondonBus said it sad sad

cees Sun 16-Jun-13 19:43:28

He is an abuser don't let him abuse you. Get out before he gets his hooks into you further, this man sounds dangerous.

Justfornowitwilldo Sun 16-Jun-13 19:46:21

Please get out now.

Right now is the easiest time to get out. Every week it's going to get harder.

MaBumble Sun 16-Jun-13 19:48:08

he's lied to you
He's starting to control your finances
hes starting to cut you off from people
hes starting to control your behaviour
hes starting to control the shopping
hes already controlling you with verbal and emotional abusive tactics

Even if you are out of pocket now, I'd get out as soon as possible.

SirSugar Sun 16-Jun-13 19:49:31

Actually things are looking great for you because you have found out before you are embroiled in dirty nappies and far worse than he's dished out already.

ivykaty44 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:50:12

you know what you should do for your own sanity - but what will you do?

So sorry to read this. I hope when you read back what you have written it is as clear to you as it is to everyone else reading it that you need to leave. Be grateful you have found out now and not once you are married or pregnant. I wish you luck with sorting things out.

Tubemole1 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:51:31


Think up an excuse not related to what you have found, a good solid one...Verbal Abuse, controlling personality, etc. Contact someone who your partner doesn't know well to stay with for a bit, or contact Women's Aid for advice.

At least you haven't married him and seen all that the ExW had to put up with.

If you are at all scared of him, it's not worth staying.

SirSugar Sun 16-Jun-13 19:53:39

If you stay make sure you are saving your money in your own account that he has no access to.

But, please don't stay.

MiamiMe Sun 16-Jun-13 19:55:53

A leopard never changes his spots OP.

Reading those papers were the best thing you could ave ever done.

Calmly and methodically think about your exit strategy. You can do it.

SirSugar Sun 16-Jun-13 19:56:14

and also, same man, different woman; I realised at some point in my marriage that it wouldn't have mattered who my H was with - different day, same cunt.

You. Will. Not. Save. Him.

RememberingMyPFEs Sun 16-Jun-13 19:56:37

Leave. Run. GO. This will never be ok and it will get worse. You're only a week into living together and he is controlling and manipulative. You know this won't end well - the longer you wait the harder it is. Don't engage, just leave.
Good luck flowers

LaurieFairyCake Sun 16-Jun-13 20:00:15

Do not tell him you have read the papers.

Get out as soon as you can. It's time to leave, all the signs are there.

It's never to late to seek the happiness you deserve. You CAN start again, his ex wife certainly did.

iwantanafternoonnap Sun 16-Jun-13 20:04:32


lougle Sun 16-Jun-13 20:05:43

What were you doing this time last week? Last month? Last year? If you can't remember it, it's because it was just another day. 7 days, that's all.

It doesn't matter how many bridges you burnt, you've only wasted 7 days. In another 7 days, 1 month, 1 year, you could just be thinking 'remember when...lucky escape there.'

If you stay, then you can guarantee you'll remember this for a whole lot longer sad

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 16-Jun-13 20:06:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sun 16-Jun-13 20:10:27

Are you the poster who posted before moving in about the guy who was mean with money and shitty about your children?

Northernlurker Sun 16-Jun-13 20:13:06

Oh dear. Op - you need to start making plans to get away from this man. Can you start to think about how you might do that?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 16-Jun-13 20:22:46

This is your lucky break! You have a heads up on where this is probably going and another woman's experiences to make it clear you are not just being paranoid.

You must be feeling blown away right now. Don't let on what you know! Take your time to plan what you are going to do. If that involves leaving him then you need to put it all in place before you tell him what you now know.

Good luck xx

Jux Sun 16-Jun-13 20:40:19

Run, you know you have to.

Sorry your relationship is going for a Burton, but you'll be a happier person. At least you haven't been living together for years with children together.

Shakey1500 Sun 16-Jun-13 20:43:04

Absolutely, 100% agree with everyone else.

I'd run for the fucking hills and not look back.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 16-Jun-13 21:23:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Sun 16-Jun-13 22:27:51

Why are you worried about the OP, SugarPasteGreyhound? She doesn't indicate that she is in any danger.

flatbellyfella Sun 16-Jun-13 22:39:54

Run, like you have never run before, don't look back.

startlife Sun 16-Jun-13 22:44:13

I know that you must be in shock and scared but in some way this is positive, you have been given an early warning.You can may changes, it may be far from ideal but you will find solutions.Please believe this, all the barriers to leaving can be resolved.

Take care

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