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Cheating again - karma for my friend or do I let it go?

(28 Posts)
MexicanHat Sun 16-Jun-13 16:42:02

I have a very good friend. 6 years ago her H started an affair which ended in him leaving my pregnant friend (and their DS) for the OW. He left my friend's life in pieces - pregnant, having to move house with their 5 year old DS, while he carried on his new life.

It has taken my friend a long time to recover from this and rebuild her life - she has done it with absolute dignity, I admire her enormously. She never blamed the OW and put the full blame on her H (despite the OW knowing he was married with a DC and a pregnant wife).

Despite her heartbreak she has allowed the OW to become part of her DCs life, I just cannot imagine how hard this has been for her. The OW woman has been a cow - judging my friends parenting skills, rude behaviour (for example sitting with her back to her on family occasions, a whole list of things) my friend has risen above it.

A couple of weeks ago I found out for certain that my friends XH is cheating on the OW. I won't lie it made me smile, a lot. My first thought was 'what comes goes around comes around' I want to OW to find out - I want her to feel the pain that my friend felt. I haven' told my friend yet - WWYD?

Lovingbenmore Sun 16-Jun-13 16:55:25

I understand your pain! I would be dying to let the OW know.

However, as your friend has behaved with the utmost dignity, I think you should let things unravel in their own sweet time. You wouldn't want to give the OW any indication that she was even on your (or by extention) your friend's radar. That's not to say that when things do eventually come to light (and they will) you could give her an indication that you knew all along.

That way you get to feel really smug!

DeckSwabber Sun 16-Jun-13 16:56:20

My first reaction is to say and do nothing. It will only cause more upset for the children.

However, I can see why you are tempted.

Lovingbenmore Sun 16-Jun-13 16:56:27

I mean extension

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 16:59:59

Definitely take your friends lead and be graceful and dignified. Do not say anything. Like you say, karma. It will get back to her. Massive salute to your friend. Sounds like a very wise and strong woman

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 17:00:24

Very tempting though I agree!!

MexicanHat Sun 16-Jun-13 17:03:35

I just feel so frustated that he threw everyting away for the OW and then couldn't even be faithful to her!!! He has been beyond horrible to my friend, backstabbing her over the years and basically putting 100% of the blame on her for their marriage ending.

I know it's not really my business but seeing how my friend has been treated and how she has struggled makes me so angry...... I have kept it to myself so far, I don't know what to do......

Lovingbenmore Sun 16-Jun-13 17:07:34

What happens if you do tell the OW and she doesn't believe you?

AuntieStella Sun 16-Jun-13 17:09:08

Well, affairs do have a tendency to come to light.

And as another poster has pointed out,there are DC to consider here.

I'd do nothing about informing OW. I would consider telling the friend, so that she is forewarned and has time to think about impact on DCs and how she will manage it. As she has behaved with restraint and dignity throughout, I doubt that telling her will cause trouble. And it might just help her - but you can judge better than us whether she would welcome such a warning.

Lovingbenmore Sun 16-Jun-13 17:11:30

People who know your friend will know who is to blame. If he is as horrible as you say he is then the people around him will also know his true colours.

Much more satisfying letting this relationship self-destruct whilst smugly watching from the sidelines.

MexicanHat Sun 16-Jun-13 17:12:43

I saw them Loving I can tell her the film they saw and the bar they went in afterwards. That's how blatant he was. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me.

Blatherskite Sun 16-Jun-13 17:18:02

Ooh, I'd be tempted too.

Going to have to agree with the consensus though and say you should behave with the same dignity your friend has shown. It'll all come out in the end.

Lovingbenmore Sun 16-Jun-13 17:19:48

Sorry, Mexican. I'm not doubting that your friend wouldn't believe you - i was responding to whether you should tell the OW.

If it were me, I would tell my friend about it but follow her lead. As she has behaved with such dignity, she will probably want to say nothing to her ex or the OW and let it all come to light in its own way.

MexicanHat Sun 16-Jun-13 17:28:52

Knowing my friend as I do I'm pretty sure she wouldn't say anything to the OW. I still feel angry with the OW and what she did too!!! As I said my friend doesn't blame her for the whole sorry mess but it's the way she's treated my friend recently that's made my blood boil - I guess I seem more upset than my friend does...............

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 16-Jun-13 17:31:53

I would want to tell OW because of what she (and exH) did to your friend.

However, I would tell your friend first and let it be her decision.

Based on that, if she does give you the green light, do it anonymously so there is no connection to your friend.

Somethingtothinkabout Sun 16-Jun-13 17:36:29

How... Karmic (is that a word? I'll stick with it anyway). I do love when the cosmic ordering all falls into place smile

I would tell your friend, but not the OW. Your friend can decide what to do with the info. If she's done this well so far she'll maybe just match and wait, but be able to laugh and hold her head high when the OW is a bitch to her.

Bear in mind though, a little bit of her may be sad to hear he's been at it again? I hope not, I just mean tell her gently, just in case.

Vivacia Sun 16-Jun-13 17:55:03

I think it might upset and worry your friend. You've said how hard she's worked to allow this woman to be part of her children's lives and now her ex is risking (again) the peace and safety she's tried to give them.

brokenhearted55 Sun 16-Jun-13 18:37:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOrchardKeeper Sun 16-Jun-13 19:30:21

Just tell your friend and you can both secretly watch it unfold/not but know that it's gone full circle.

Poor bloody kids though. What an idiot hmm

CatherineofMumbles Sun 16-Jun-13 19:34:59

Do not tell OW! Tell your friend, so she can be prepared for any potential fallout later with the DC but you do not owe the OW anything.
This usually happens sad

CatherineofMumbles Sun 16-Jun-13 19:35:42

A word about karma: it isn't a divine force that means people get what they deserve. It merely means action or deed or cause and effect.

wise words

HollyBerryBush Sun 16-Jun-13 19:38:15

Other peoples relationships are just that - other peoples. Karma moves in odd ways, if you feel glee at someone elses misfortune - you can be sure it will be visited your way - everything goes full circle.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 19:40:26

I'd say this demonstrates that your friend knows her ex far better than you think. smile He's obviously a nasty, faithless piece of work and that's why she's not blamed the new girlfriend in spite of everything. Willing to bet he told the new woman a pack of lies about your friend and that's why she's been behaving so badly. I don't believe in karma...

badinage Sun 16-Jun-13 20:17:07

It doesn't matter what lies an OW is told about another woman or a marriage, it never excuses her involvement in the first place and it certainly never excuses continuing spiteful behaviour towards that woman after a split.

OP I'd tell your friend what you saw and just that. Keep it factual and if she wants to discuss it with you, that's fine. It's true she might need a heads-up in case the children are going to have another break-up to deal with.

Although this news might trouble her because of concern for the children, at least it's likely to reassure your friend that her ex's cheating transcended their relationship and it's just something he does.

MexicanHat Sun 16-Jun-13 20:21:38

Yes Cogito that's probably true, I hadn't thought about like that. I don't really believe in karma either but I feel as though the OW deserves to feel how my friend felt. But I realise it's not my place to tell her.

I'll take your words on board Holly I don't want to feel glee at someone elses misfortune but it's hard not to feel that way when you've seen someone you care about having their life shattered into a million pieces, seeing their face when they look at holiday pictures of their DC with the OW - and when one of the DC was conceived during the affair it really is sickening sad

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