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Am I wrong? Is this bad?

(16 Posts)
Imnotagilmoregirl Sun 16-Jun-13 11:37:39

Hi all

Some of you may remember me posting, in a nutshell married with 2 dc, h has depression and addiction issues and I found out 6 months ago he was obsessed (not a little curious, I mean obsessed) with porn, phone sex, strip clubs and prostitutes.

Anyway, we split up and he moved into his parents weeks ago. I couldn't keep trying. Around that time there was a bloke I know who asked me out. I said no, too upset about splitting. We swapped numbers and have been texting, and a couple of days ago we met up and kissed. I broke away, upset, couldn't do it. Bloke was understanding and agreed to leave things.

Last night h turns up ranting. Somehow he's managed to gain access to my phone and knows everything and told me I left him for this man. It's simply not true. I feel dreadful, I don't know what to do. I just wanted to feel special again.

Anyway it's all over. But I'm left with a churning stomach and feeling awful. Am I the wrong one here guys? I need honest words x

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Sun 16-Jun-13 11:41:42

I think you are right and its too soon to move on when everything is still raw.

It doesn't matter what your ex thinks, you know why you left him.

But you really need to find out how he's been able to see your texts etc.

Change every password for your accounts etc.

Imnotagilmoregirl Sun 16-Jun-13 11:51:12

I utterly regret texting this bloke, I actually cried practically in his mouth while kissing. Luckily he's a nice guy and can recognise headcases when he sees them, apologised even though it was my fault and backed off. It's just that I'm spinning about what h said. How can I blame him for his faults when I did this! He'd moved out. Yes it was too soon but am I honestly as bad? Am I responsible for everything? Is it all my fault?

MagicBaguette Sun 16-Jun-13 11:55:16

You're not wrong at all.

You're no longer with your ex, so what you do now is absolutely none of his business - especially reading your texts! Find out how he's done that and out a stop to it.

You're right that if you feel it's too soon to move on, it probably is. As mentioned above, things are still to raw.

Be kind to yourself.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Sun 16-Jun-13 11:57:03

Of course it's not your falt. He knows that's but he needs to blame you rather then admit to himself his action caused a breakdown in his marriage.

You text someone who was showing you some much needed kindness. You text him after you knew the marriage was over. There is nothing wrong with that.

annabel1234 Sun 16-Jun-13 11:57:32

You split up. Anything that happens with you and another man no longer has anything to do with your ex, so just ignore it. You know nothing happened with this other man while you were together, and that's all that matters. He has no right to come and question you now, it's quite simply none of his business. The only thing that matters is whether it's 'too soon' for you..but that's a decision that's totally up to you.

And how has he got access to your phone?! I would investigate this as a matter of urgency.

MagicBaguette Sun 16-Jun-13 11:58:48

Was there any overlap between your ex and this other guy?

Imnotagilmoregirl Sun 16-Jun-13 12:00:30

I'm an idiot, I keep the same passwords for everything and he's looked on the icloud back up data (very techy, I don't reall know)

Feel like a prize knobhead. Why is everything messy?!

Changing passwords and getting a grip now.

motherinferior Sun 16-Jun-13 12:01:53

Doesn't matter if there was any overlap. Hang on in there, sweetie.

Imnotagilmoregirl Sun 16-Jun-13 12:03:34

No there was no overlap and we did start genuinely friendly but then got a bit more flirty. I think it's because when h first left he was convinced I'd have him back even though I was really calm and emphatic about everything.

I messed up, there's no denying that, but I didn't overlap. I don't suppose it even matters though.

ALittleStranger Sun 16-Jun-13 12:15:13

You did not mess up. What your ex has done is wrong, wrong, wrong. I hope you read him the riot act.

MagicBaguette Sun 16-Jun-13 12:16:38

You've done nothing wrong at all

Xales Sun 16-Jun-13 12:18:19

You have done nothing wrong

Your H is trying to pass the blame. He spent how long in your relationship messing around with porn, phone sex, strip clubs and prostitutes?

You have split up and he has moved out because of his actions.

He has no right to be looking at any of your personal stuff. Change your passwords now.

Tell him that and refuse to engage in your personal life with him any more.

You do not owe him anything.

If it is too early for you to be moving on that is a different matter and one for you and only you to decide.

Good luck!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sun 16-Jun-13 12:19:34

You didn't mess up at all.

Your Ex is an ex for a lot of very good reasons and now one more. It is none of his business if you are screwing the whole rugby team - let alone texting one bloke.

Pretty much all of us jump in far too soon with someone else - it's what we do to assure ourselves that life goes on, we are still attractive to others and to feel wanted. Perfectly normal - and yes, generally doesn't end too well!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 16-Jun-13 12:23:28

But you did not mess up, well, except about the passwords. Lesson learned, but that is not a commentary on your character.

Your ex is history. Imho, your ex is angry that you are not letting him use you anymore-that you won't put up with his selfish obsessions anymore. This is his way of casting shame, however falsly manufactured, on you when he can not stand the reality that the shame is all his.

Stop caring what your ex thinks or says. His choices have rather invalidated his opinions. Take anything he says with a humongus grain boulder of salt, if you listen to him at all.

Imnotagilmoregirl Sun 16-Jun-13 12:31:53

We were together just under 8 years and it was going on the whole time. Due to his job, he could be away for long periods of time and not be at liberty to discuss his day, which enabled everything to go on without me suspecting. It all came out in horrific fashion just before Christmas and I really tried. In the end he had been sleeping on the sofa and not talking to each other for weeks. Then he went to his parents and I told him it was over.

Honestly feel such a plonker, I knew I wasn't ready for anything, but it was so nice to feel attractive again (until I cried on the poor man)

H is a great father, but he has the kind of family that will shout you down if you dare speak up. Me leaving has really done damage, and my family think I should get over it.

I hate that I feel guilty, I want to be all "tough shit, get lost" but I feel that I've done damage here too.

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