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Right to not like the way he talks to me sometimes?

(49 Posts)
Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 01:07:37

I think I could probably do with a little objective perspective. I don't know whether I'm right in feeling a little upset at the way my partner speaks to me sometimes.

It's been over trivial things, really.. For example I sent him a funny website link, and used the website's 'share' button to send it to his email address. It's not a 'dodgy site' and I wanted to save myself the time of logging into my email and sending the link as I was about to finish my lunch break.
Anyhow, later that evening I asked him whether he'd received it and if he'd had a chance to read it? It wasn't in his inbox so I said "Oh, maybe the share thing didn't work, nevermind!" Well, to this he just exploded! He couldn't believe I'd given out his email to some random site, don't I know how those things are just scams to get active addresses?!?!
He was interrupted by having to pay for his food at the till, so he asked me to wait thirty seconds (we were on the phone). I sat there anxiously, expecting him to come back and berate me further. He had calmed down, but I ended up listening to a lecture about the evils of share buttons and his endless fight with spam mail. The ironic thing was, I realised I'd entered his email address wrong anyway!

There was another occasion that he ended up making me feel like an idiot because I hadn't checked prices when booking my cats at the vet. Before I'd had the chance to defend myself and explain that after all the questions required for registering and arranging times for them both it had been forgotten by me at the end of the call. It was actually on my list of info to collect, I'd just forgotten and after the telling off from P I did call back and get price info. But did he really need to get so agitated and use it as a way of saying that I'm always letting myself get ripped off in situations like this? (He has also mentioned things about not liking the way my landord has treated me in the past, that I'm letting him walk all over me).

I've told him how I've felt on these occasions, and asked him not to speak to me this way in future, as I didn't feel that I'd done anything to deserve being shouted at.

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 18:41:58

Thank you all for the helpful replies, I am taking things in and considering my options. And for the stories about your own holidays, it's given me a lot to think about. I think maybe I can pinpoint the source of some underlying anxiety I've been feeling about the holiday. I should be counting the days at the point, but instead find myself wondering how it's already so close!

I've checked and could possibly get 85% of the railcard refunded (but not until it's delivered!). The flights cost a fraction of what I paid out for the rail and I could probably handle never seeing that money again.

On the other hand, I think I had already decided that after the holiday I need to face up to whether this relationship is going anywhere, and more importantly, whether I want it to. We don't live in the same city and I have no intention of moving away from my job and friends. It may be that the holiday would be the last of what was only ever going to be a summer fling confused

MadBusLady, the comments about being 'walked all over' didn't sit right with me at all when he said it. He took what I had perceived as a normal tenant-landlord situation and turned it round to make me feel like I'd been in the wrong and taken advantage of. FFS, it was just a 6-month house inspection? I know landlords aren't there to be your buddy but P has made me feel anxious about mentioning the 12-month inspection to him when it comes up (and I probably won't mention it).

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Jun-13 18:43:33

Is there any way you could transfer your tickets to another holiday?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 16-Jun-13 19:00:22


Why are you together at all?.

He is showing all the signs of being a "loser" in relationship terms. You cannot help someone like this by loving them better, it just does not work.

I would be planning your exit strategy from this before it further escalates.

Cancel the holiday or change the booking so it does not feature him on it. He will ruin the holiday if you go away together. Emotional abusers and controlling types can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle. They can do nice but its an act really designed to suck you further into their own mad world.

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 22:03:58

I'm keeping my sister updated on anything I've noticed (or may yet notice) that in past relationships, at this point, I would probably dismiss or ignore.. or just wouldn't have had my eyes open to see. That way even if I lost sight of the reality of the relationship she'd be there to bring me crashing back to earth by reminding me of the things I've confided to her. And keeping a diary, good and bad.

I've spoken to P today and there's a chance he himself can't make the holiday.. depending on upcoming job interviews after his training finishes. He can't go off on holiday until he has a job to return to.
It did piss me off that he didn't mention this vital fact when he was so eager to confirm bookings and part with cash, it's something I would have wanted to know in concrete before going ahead with anything.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 16-Jun-13 22:17:54

Hi OP. You mentioned that you wouldn't have the knowledge to do this sort of holiday on your own.

Which is why he's taking you! A fortnight of dependency on him? I'll bet he's wanking it to a betting shop pencil at the thought!

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 22:51:15

Actually.. it's three weeks, even worse confused.

I seem to have derailed my own thread into discussing my holiday, but it seems relevant and no one else seems to mind either. Seriously, thank you all for your insight, it means a lot to hear some objectivity

Anghara Thu 04-Jul-13 17:12:36

An update..

On the original topic of the way he's spoken to me before.. Well.. he hasn't done it again. But he did say that he feels recently like he can't talk to me about certain topics because of the way I might react to him. He even used the phrase (I think a little light-heartedly?) 'walking on eggshells'.

Now.. the holiday. Arrrghhh what a headache it's been. Yesterday was the deadline of 2 weeks before the travel date - I needed to know by then whether he would be going. He had an interview 2 days before that deadline. He got the job. The catch was, that they asked him to work for 3 weeks - right when the flights would have been. So the whole thing would need to be delayed by three weeks if it was going to happen.

He basically assumed that I'd have no problem with changing everything, re-booking new flights, asking my work to move my annual leave, etc etc.

I found out the change of plans in a two-minute phonecall before his battery died and he was heading to the pub (straight from his interview) to celebrate. I didn't hear from him again until the next afternoon. Plans were made to discuss everything later that evening (as he'd only just woken up and was hungover). He didn't call later and I couldn't get hold of him. So I really had no choice the next day at work, other than explain to my boss that I would be cancelling my holiday.

We finally talked last night, and I told him I won't be going.. He went silent then finally said he didn't want to talk about it right then and he needed to go. I asked him if he would call me when he wanted to talk about it, and we said goodbye.

I'm now wondering if this is him sulking that he's not getting his own way (ie me changing all my plans to fit with him), and the no contact is him punishing me. If that's the case, I don't think I can actually be bothered with any of it any more angry

Officershitty Thu 04-Jul-13 17:30:18

He sounds like a giant toddler. Let him go. There are nicer men out there.

MadBusLady Thu 04-Jul-13 17:49:53

But he did say that he feels recently like he can't talk to me about certain topics because of the way I might react to him. He even used the phrase (I think a little light-heartedly?) 'walking on eggshells'.

You know, I've definitely seen that described before on this board. Bullies accuse their victims of bullying them. Controlling people accuse their victims of trying to control them. It's a deflection thing, I think. It stops you focussing on the fact that their behaviour is faulty and gets you worrying about your own.

It sounds like it's just going to carry on like this, to be honest. Can you get the railcard refunded (which was the thing you were trying to avoid in the first place sad)?

SayWhatWhat Thu 04-Jul-13 18:25:05

Sounds like the 'man' I just ended things with,he started showing this side to him about a year in,once the strange behaviour started (ranting at my choice of purchases or the way I let myself get ripped off) it got to the point where I would tell him it was over, he'd beg and plead,I'd give him another chance and something else would set him off....I wish I had listened to my gut sooner because he went on to irrepairably come between my best friend and me(basically told her I had been talking about her to him,but made it sound awful) due to his jealous immaturity and need to control everyone. Get rid,these people can't have normal relationships!

Anghara Thu 04-Jul-13 18:52:30

Officer I think I'm starting to realise that. I think I know what I need to do.. but doing it is harder than it should be. Not least because I can't seem to speak to him for long enough to have a proper conversation recently.

It felt like a deflection at the time, Madbuslady.. The topics he said he felt he couldn't talk about are the same ones where I've felt he was 'telling me off' or ranting at me. Almost like he thinks.. that's the way I want to talk to her, she doesn't like it, so I feel like I can't discuss those topics. Instead of thinking about why I didn't like it, and doing something about it.

Saywhatwhat, how are you doing since things ended? Is he pleading again, or leaving you in peace? This guy has made comments about things I've bought too.. I wore one of my favourite jumpers and without me even asking for his opinion, he said, "I hate that jumper!" angry

Anghara Thu 04-Jul-13 18:53:41

Oh and also I forgot to add - hopefully I should be able to get most of the money back for the railcard smile

SayWhatWhat Thu 04-Jul-13 19:02:10

I've blocked him from everything...he is still sending emails through new email addresses,I think I've blocked about 7 new addresses since yesterday,clearly he doesn't like to lose,and is not respecting my very clear message to never contact me again.(He even wrote on one or two occassions that I am making a mistake and he's just trying to help/support me! (my mum died in April) The cheek of it leaves me speechless.
Good luck with getting as much back as possible smile

MadBusLady Thu 04-Jul-13 19:02:42

Well, that's something. smile I've gone round Eastern Europe on trains with a female friend and honestly, we were fine. Don't rule it out for the future if you can find a suitable travelling companion.

He's sounding worse and worse re the jumper comment. Of course, you don't have to have a deep and meaningful conversation as such, you can just send a polite email or text saying it's not really working for you any more. If he's too sulky to talk to you he can hardly complain can he.

Officershitty Thu 04-Jul-13 19:13:03

I hear a lot of people analysing 'he said that , what does it mean, if only he would learn to do that'. it is not helpful to you.
Some men (well- people, actually) do not grow up emotionally. A short, curt note to say you are getting on with your life. Would you treat someone else the way he is treating you?
I hear too much from people who go on and marry and have DC with men like him and trust me, he won't change.
Don't waste your time.

Anghara Fri 05-Jul-13 12:58:23

I've heard nothing more from him since Wednesday evening and the conversation where he said he didn't want to discuss it any more. I sent one text Thursday morning but have done nothing else re contacting him.

Should I try to get in touch to talk? Or wait and see how long until he contacts me? To be honest I'm starting to think that there's only one possible outcome to all of this.. me telling him it's not working out for me. Would it be harsh of me to tell him this via email or something, if he won't answer calls?

SayWhatWhat Fri 05-Jul-13 23:26:41

i would just not bother doing anything,to be honest. He'll come crawling to you at some point and hopefully,by then you will want to get rid smile

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 05-Jul-13 23:44:11

Yes, a short email telling him the relationship is over. That way you will rid yourself of that feeling that you're waiting for him.

You are so well rid!

suburbophobe Sat 06-Jul-13 01:57:44

Yes, you are really so well rid.

What gives him the right to dictate how you deal with the vet when you don't even live together!

And the jumper comment.... if you'd stayed with him he would have ground you down completely.

You know, it really is not so scary travelling alone. I do it all the time grin. You could always start small, like a few days in Paris or Rome for instance. So much to see you can wander around all day.
You don't need other people to hold your hand in order to have a great time!
(Travelling alone is much better for meeting people anyway than travelling as a couple).

Anghara Sun 14-Jul-13 18:30:01

A little update, a week on..

We spoke last Friday - I called and he answered. HE was angry/upset with ME for telling him I wouldn't be going! ..anyway, the short of it is that I told him I didn't think we should see each other anymore. It was horrible and difficult to actually say the words, but I did it.

He's pretty much left me alone since then. I sent one message a few days later, he replied and then I sent one more (but there was nothing in it that I expected/wanted a reply to), but apart from that, nothing. Bliss. He hasn't tried to change my mind or convince me to re-think, give it time, etc. Just accepted it.

And I'm feeling pretty alright tbh. Onwards and upwards!

DaemonPantalaemon Sun 14-Jul-13 20:53:29

Well done!!!!!!!

Anghara Wed 17-Jul-13 18:12:34

And one more small update - I got my railcard refunded, and actually a lot faster than I was expecting! Yay for that, I was a little worried tbh as it was a fair bit of money, to me.

Today was the day I should have been flying out. I'm not regretting my choice, but I do now have the feeling that I could really use a holiday (of my own choosing!) <goes to look at options>

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jul-13 18:20:03

I'm so glad it's over and so glad you were the one to dump him, too. He sounds like he's entitled and a sulker - a lethal combination.

tallwivglasses Wed 17-Jul-13 19:47:22

A happy ending - how nice. About holidays - don't under-estimate yourself. It took me 6 months alone on the other side of the world to realise I could do it and I didn't need a bloke smile

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