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Secretly afraid of what DH might do

(77 Posts)
CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:32

Im not sure I should be posting on here but I really have found mn to be invaluable in the past and I'm feeling not myself right now. I think DH is ill and I really don't know what to do about it. I'm scared to challenge to the full as there is no telling what he may do. After 20 plus years together I'm finally moving out with our children as I can't take it anymore. It's taken me this long to realise that the man has issues and that I don't need to live like this as it is depressing. Never knowing when he is going to fly off the handle. Always being wary of him. Don't get me wrong I can stand my ground to a certain extent and I never try to show him I am scared although sometimes I think it is probably obvious.

DH has always had a bad temper but when we were young it was probably both our doing, we stayed together and admittedly I loved him. Throughout my first childs childhood we rowed and rowed but always made up until the next time. However rows with him were never just the normal stuff he would lose his temper and lash out at me hitting and kicking etc. he has always been very verbally abusive and always put me down and for as long as I can remember he has always told me to F off out of his house. He will behave like this also in front of our children. Finally I decided I was going to F off out if his house and I can't bloody wait.

He always says and always has said that he is violent to me because I don't shut up but the reason I don't shut up is because his behaviour towards me has been so incomprehensible that I have to say something and not just sit there and take it (although I used to) . Usually in the past he would hit me and then the row would stop as I would be hurt or too upset to carry on.

When we had our second child things seemed to calm a bit but not for long. He never helped with night feeds or changing and I was totally knackered but all he did was moan at me for being to tired to be having sex with him. I literally was so tired that I had to sleep whenever I got the chance. Rather than helping me he told me how shit I was and that it was my fault out second child was so demanding as I am a shit mother (frequently tells me this) and I've built a rod for my own back. It is now know exactly why my ds was and is the way he is as he has a dx.

DH started to go to the gym as we have both always been into our fitness but obvs with my ds it all went down the pan for me I do t have time to sleep let alone go to the gym anymore. DH started at a new gym that opened later so he was not coming in until gone midnight. This still happens to this day as it has for the last 4 years . He goes out about 8 and comes in after midnight. Naturally at first this really bothered me as I couldn't understand why he would do this I asked him to not keep going out all night every night but he just told me to F off time and time again so in the end I accepted it and now I like it that way as it gets rid of him and I don't have to put up with him all night. But it did upset me that he didn't care enough to make an effort . I've always suspected he didn't really love me but I thought that maybe he did and he just had anger issues but know finally I've seen the light.

We have frequent episodes where DH flips out. He lost something a few weeks ago and totally turned the house upside down scarred the crap out of the kids was kicking and verbally abusing me and calling us all the c word. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing is not normal. I used to get very scared and hurry around to try and be on his side so he didn't turn on me but I don't do that anymore. He said the next day that I know what he is like when he loses something and I should just help him. Incidentally I had to tidy up the whole house he did nothing it took half a day he had even stamped on my ds toys and broke one and he slashed his favourite football.

Tonight he started hitting and kicking me over a phone charger - I told him it was mine and as I only had one I went to get it back he went totally crazy and within 5 seconds of being 'normal' he turnt into this monster that I know so well. The kids came into the room and he looked like he was going to combust at me telling me to F off I'm a stupid C.
It's so sad that he is like this. I really worry what he may do when we split as I'm not taking his orders I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids as although they know what a madman he is obviously he is their dad and they love him but I worry that he may do something silly in a moment of madness to get at me. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing wrong and he lashes out at such small stuff how can I trust him when I'm not there to keep an eye out on him with the kids. What if they do something to spark him off and given ds's dx this is quite possible. Also if he hits me again or the children when he is angry (he has done this before) when we are split I will call the police and that will make him want to kill me.
I worry that he may lose it one day and you hear about this men that split from their wife's or girlfriends and do stupid things. One minute he can be as nice as pie to me and the kids and the next he is going mental over god knows what. He can seem to be so nice.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 22:25:40

Thanks all. It's nice to have such great support from you all. My ds has autism so it can be really hard dealing with it all at times.

Lweji Mon 17-Jun-13 05:53:10

You are sounding very strong. smile

But, as others said, that could spell danger for you yes.

If he knows you are moving in 3 weeks, or suspects it, he's likely to become worse.
Make sure you have things ready(ish) and just pick up the kids and go if you get warning signs.
In any case, I'd want to move out before when he thinks you are.

And yes, take all children. Your DD should experience not being around him. Then let her decide.
Lots of women go back after leaving their OHs for the first time.
Your DD may be under a similar spell.
Maybe you should get counselling for her.

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