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Advice needed from you O Wise Ones! Invited to estranged sister's wedding - do I go and risk a massive family row?

60 replies

Lionessy · 15/06/2013 21:32

Sorry for the length and any spelling mistakes!

My younger sister has sent me an invite for her wedding at the beginning of September. We have not spoken for nearly 2 and a half years.

My younger brother (also not spoken to him for same time frame as little sis) also has his wedding the weekend before hers and we have not had an invite although my mother asked me if we could make the date. That was before I had ANOTHER massive fallout with her about my childhood and her abusive behaviour towards me though. I have concluded little brother has decided not to invite us to his.

2 and half years ago I 'confronted' my mother and stepfather about their abuse of me when I was growing up and their continued abuse to me through my DC (criticising my parenting/calling DC names/showing blatant favouritism to one while excluding his twin etc). I had had my DC4 a few months before after a long gap (same DH!) and I was also very upset that no one visited/showed any interest at all in him. I could not understand it.

In fact when he was 3 weeks old, we went to visit them to show him off at their invitation, no mean feat travelling 5 hours with 4DC and they told us that they had an appointment the next day, after saying they were free, after we finally got there late at night so we spent the whole of the next day from 9am -6pm alone in their home so we got in the car and drove back which they concluded was very rude . Stepfather even refused to hold DC4 when I needed to go to the loo in the brief time he was there.

During my pregnancy, I started therapy for panic/anxiety and of course the first thing my counsellor wanted to talk about was my family and I finally woke up to my 'scapegoat' role in the family. I had never really thought about it before and it blindsided me really.

I had always hated myself, always felt worthless and alone, never asked for help with anything, accepted my siblings view of me as a 'nutter' and their disassociation from me and constantly tried to win my mother's approval.

My real father walked away when I was 7 with no further contact and I was always compared to him as evil, nasty etc. My father was never to be discussed, he did not exist anymore. Looking back I did nothing wrong - no drugs, no boozing, no crime, no fallouts with siblings although I did 'run away' for a week when I was 17 with my 1st boyfriend to his parents house as my mother banned me from seeing him for no other reason than she did'nt want me to have a boyfriend. She sent me to live with my older sister at the other end of the country for 3 months afterwards as she 'would'nt have been able to stop herself from killing me' so I missed college and later dropped out. This is something she has never forgiven me for apparently.

So anyway I sent my mother an email as she had invited us for Christmas after the visit we had abandoned a few weeks earlier telling her we would NOT be coming and how I unimportant I felt to her also bringing up some quite terrible stuff she and my stepfather had done to me as a child (still can't quite believe what I went though and how I disassociated from it) copying in my 7 siblings as a way of vindicating myself to them that I was not a 'nutter' and saying how hurt I had been that none of them had offered any help when we had had a really bad time a few years before, hoping as we were all maturer that a better understanding of ME may bring us closer together.

Of course, my mother was traumatised and deeply hurt by my 'truth' and all my siblings sided with her and cut contact. My only 'full blooded' sibling who I had seen a handful of times over the last 16 years called me an 'attention seeking fuck up'.

My mother and I had an uneasy truce a few months later instigated by me after a Christmas with no contact with anybody as I could'nt bear being shut out of the family. She admitted that what I put in my email did happen but denied doing anything other than her 'best' for me. I later found out from an older sister (the only contact I have had with that sister since then) that my mother had told my siblings that I had a 'breakdown' due to the death of my 2nd DD at birth a few years before and they should not contact me as I was 'not ready'.

Up until this past Christmas I was only having sporadic telephone contact with my mother, still no contact with siblings. She sent birthday gifts for my older 3 DC on time but kept forgetting DC4. She sent Christmas cards leaving my DC4s name off them. One for each of the other 3 DC and one for DH and I, but not DC4. This upset me but she said that she'd 'forgot' him.

In March I stopped seeing my counsellor as I was getting no further nor feeling any better and could'nt afford it anymore. Shortly afterwards, I had a telephone conversation with my mother, discussing my DS2 being assessed for ASD. She said that his behaviour was basically because I was a crap mother and no better than her, so I shot back that I had learned how to mother from her but would never treat my DCs like she did me, so she slammed the phone down on me (I felt strangely very strong standing up to her). I immediately called her back as I wanted to sort it out and not end the call like that, only for my stepfather to pick up the phone and tell me not to call again.

She later sent a text saying that she could not deal with this any longer and not to contact her again if I was going to keep on about my childhood. I left it for almost 2 months and texted her asking if she would call me when she was ready. She did not reply. So I texted again last week and she (or rather my stepfather) sent me a long email stating that I had caused her to question herself as a mother but she has decided she has been a good one . She does not need this at her time of life, I have always been jealous of everyone etc. I sent an email back sticking to my guns but also that she was still my mum and I still loved her. Nothing has come back.

In this time my anxiety has been through the bloody roof and I feel like I am in a big black hole!

DH has said we will ALL go to my sister's wedding and fuck it! He will give them a few home truths if anyone (especially my brothers) starts something. I am obviously terrified but feel that I NEED to face them all.

I am sure my mother has told my siblings (and everybody else who will listen) about this last argument so either no one will talk to us or it will create a big argument and I have no wish to spoil my sister's day or have my DC overhear anything. I don't even have my sister's telephone number to call her and speak to her about whether she wants us to come now. She did not put a number on the invite and I can't ask my mum for her number.

What a fucking mess! It's so ridiculous I could laugh about it if it was'nt so hurtful .

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WafflyVersatile · 15/06/2013 21:45

Does the invite have your sister's address or your mothers? If your sister's you could write and ask her to phone you, or for her number so you can phone her. Have you any idea if it was your sister's or your mum's idea to invite you? Maybe your sister wants to mend bridges.

As for the rest your mum hasn't changed as evidenced by her treatment of your DC4. She's scapegoating again.

I can understand that your siblings might have a dim view of you and a different view of your childhood if you were the scapegoat and your experience is so at odds with their own memories. Also your mum evidently acts as gatekeeper and controls what information they get now so they are not really being able to make informed choices about you.

Ultimately your relationship with your family does not sound happy or healthy and you might be better to cut ties. I would not attend the wedding unless you've had a productive conversation with your sister and maybe not even then.