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Quick poll - if you got married in church, did you choose to 'obey'

(169 Posts)
Wuldric Sat 15-Jun-13 21:24:15

And did anyone you know choose to obey?

After 22 years of marriage DH told me how very shocked he was when I told him I wasn't going to obey. He seemed not to blink an eyelid at the time. Apparently he was surprised by my radical feminism and how far out I was.

But was it radical? Really?

On September 12, 1922, the Episcopal Church voted to remove the word "obey" from the bride's section of wedding vows. Other churches of the Anglican Communion each have their own authorized prayer books which in general follow the vows described above though the details and languages used do vary.

So women were ditching the obey as far back as 1922. Please tell me I am not out in left field. Not that there is anything wrong with being in left field, I just didn't think I was IYSWIM.

nipersvest Sat 15-Jun-13 21:25:34

married in '97 and no, i did not say obey. dh did tho! wink

SauvignonBlanche Sat 15-Jun-13 21:26:24

No,of course not!
I married 18 years ago.

MrsCosmopilite Sat 15-Jun-13 21:27:18

Married nearly 17 years ago, and absolutely no obey!

VioletGoesVintage Sat 15-Jun-13 21:28:04

I didn't in 2006. My mother didn't in 1969. One of my grandmothers did in early 1940. The other didn't.

The only person I know in recent years who promised to obey was my cousin in 1997. She is now divorced. Anecdotal evidence but....

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 15-Jun-13 21:29:32

Married in 1984, CoS, minister didn't even suggest it. (I would have refused.) We cherish each other.

<stares at the back of his head while he watches an action movie>


TiggerWearsATriteSmile Sat 15-Jun-13 21:30:12

Catholic ceremony, 2004
Love, honour and cherish or some such nonsense!!

Do vows even have the option of obey in them?

Wuldric Sat 15-Jun-13 21:31:09

There is still an option for the bride to obey, I discovered from Wiki

CVSFootPowder Sat 15-Jun-13 21:33:00

Married 1988, church wedding, Anglican.
neither of us said obey.
I don't even remember it being discussed with the vicar or with my (then) fiancé.

superbagpuss Sat 15-Jun-13 21:33:20

c of e we got asked if I wanted to say obey, I said no
vicar talked about it in his little talk about us

Makinglists Sat 15-Jun-13 21:33:55

Married in 2001 - I seem to remember that the vicar considered the default stance was not to 'obey' - that said its was quite a modern CoE set up.

SauvignonBlanche Sat 15-Jun-13 21:35:02

Sorry OP, having looked into it I couldn't have done, even if (for some bizarre reason) I'd wanted to, as this isn't possible in an RC church. This archaic wording only exists in a CofE ceremony.

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 15-Jun-13 21:35:04

Wasn't even given the choice! Have I missed something?

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Sat 15-Jun-13 21:35:06

No, and I don't recall ever going to a wedding where anyone else did either.

CVSFootPowder Sat 15-Jun-13 21:35:58

I'm envy of *superbagpuss]. Nearly 20 years after we got married and you got the option and I didn't! grin
Actually I'm doubting myself now, I no I didn't say it but perhaps my memory of it not even being discussed is faulty. I shall ask exH tomorrow.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 15-Jun-13 21:38:54

Sorry OP, having looked into it I couldn't have done, even if (for some bizarre reason) I'd wanted to, as this isn't possible in an RC church. This archaic wording only exists in a CofE ceremony.

Really? My mum was married in a RC church in 1970 and the priest was most put out that she refused to obey.

poshbeaver Sat 15-Jun-13 21:39:01

Married in 2005, full Catholic mass and did not say obey. However, during the rehearsal, the priest tricked me in to saying it, for my husband's and his amusement!

Wuldric Sat 15-Jun-13 21:40:57

Our vicar who was lovely said very firmly that the brides didn't obey in his church smile

SnoopySnoopyDoggDogg Sat 15-Jun-13 21:43:36

Nope, vicar said to me at our first meeting "Now Snoopy, you're not going to obey Mr Snoopy are you?!" I said I didn't realise there was the option so he explained very few people opt for the 'traditional' wording anymore and so I decided not to obey.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 15-Jun-13 21:45:16

Sophie said obey when she married Prince Edward. That wasn't that long ago.

SauvignonBlanche Sat 15-Jun-13 21:47:31

See here.

TheFallenMadonna Sat 15-Jun-13 21:53:39

Also Catholic service, and the priest definitely told us that Catholics had never had the obey version. I remember it because it struck me that the RC church had no other claim to any thing even approaching sexual equality...

Wuldric Sat 15-Jun-13 21:54:23

The link from Debretts is interesting, but I am not sure it is accurate. It presents the 'obey' as being the default, and any other choice as alternative.

Whereas having done 5 minutes extensive googling, I understand that since 2000 the service in Common Worship the normal vows are as follows:

I,N, take you, N, to be my wife (or husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy law, in the presence of God I make this vow.

However, the bride and groom may choose to replace the clause "to love and to cherish" with "to love, cherish, and obey" when the bride makes her vows.

So I think that obeying is an alternative rather than a default. Interesting that Sophie chose to obey but Kate did not.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 15-Jun-13 21:58:17

Kate has more sense smile

Obey - ha ha ha ha ha - let's just say 'doing as I'm told' is not a concept I'm familiar with grin

ThisIsMummyPig Sat 15-Jun-13 22:00:55

I obeyed - married in 2006 - DH would never ask me to do anything unreasonable.

I was given the choice, but preferred the wording overall in the obey one, it had a nicer ring to it.

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