My Family Is Falling Apart

[sscott1967]

My dad died about a month ago and I tried to be there for my mum, taking her to hospital when he took ill and helping her with funeral etc when he died a few days later. We've never really got on as she was always criticising me or telling me how I should think or act or breathe! My dad always got it in the ear and tried to keep the peace but that meant he would 'always' take my side. After the funeral she told me my dad thought I was trying to split them up and that I was always trying to be her equal or better than her.She flipped at the hospital when the nurses spoke to me first as she is the next of kin. She sent me a letter the other day saying I have betrayed her and my dad has for not agreeing that I tried to 'take over' at the hospital and my dad took my side. Ive got a brother 2 years older that can do no wrong but he dosen't speak to me because I tried to help him with his drink problem.I really need to stay away from my mum even though I can picture her in bits grieving.

[Hardhaton]

I think you need to give her some space. You need to grieve too. X

[LemonDrizzled]

Sorry you lost your Dad. Your mum sounds quite toxic and it may be without your DF as peacemaker you will not be able to have a decent relationship with her. That is a double loss really.
It sounds as though your DB is her golden child and you are the scapegoat. That is hard for you both.
Accept you will never be what she wants and she will never be a supportive accepting DM. It is okay to look after your own needs, grieve for your DF and as give as much as you feel able to your DM but then draw a line and protect yourself. She will survive because people like her always do.

[sscott1967]

@Hardhaton think space is what we both need right now..I do need to grieve too X
@LemonDrizzled..everything you said is what's been going through my mind..toxic,double loss,scapegoat etc but I suppose I keep hoping things could be different or I could change her thinking, that we could grieve together.Suppose after 46 years that's not too likely..
For now I def need to stay away X

[KittyVonCatsworth]

Sscott, firstly, I'm so sorry to read about your dad (hugs).

When my Da died, my fragile relationship with my mother crumbled. I made a conscious effort to remove myself out of reach to allow me time to grieve over my beloved Da and not make any rash decisions to cull her. I set a time limit of 6 months, so my emotions weren't so raw and avoiding making a decision i couldn't take back. It's been 9 months now and I no longer have a mother as far as I'm concerned.

All I'm saying, is grief manifests itself in all ways to different folks. Give it a set period time, give the upset, loss and anger a chance to reduce and make an objective decision on whether you can salvage anything.

Take care of yourself xx

[Hissy]

Sounds like your dad protected you from her poison.

Now she has free reign. :( there is no way your dad would have said those things, this is so that you 'hate' him and side with her.

Ok she's grieving, but thousands grieve every day and don't do this to their dc.

Back off, find your own space to remember the dad you knew, grieve for him, and then see what's what.

If she's not a positive influence your life, then she can't take centre stage in it.

Get some distance. You need to heal.

[sscott1967]

@KittyVonCatsworth..feeling a bit numb right now so need to stay away for now anyway.Do u manage to switch off thinking about ur mum now? Suppose u had a double loss too xx
@Hissy..think my Dad was the peacemaker and maybe even said these things to calm her down. I know he loved me so that's comfort but I still feel a bit responsible for her even though she screws with my head. defo not a positive influence..don't think she ever was but u try and make the best of what ur dealt xx

[izzysmydog]

I have very similar situation. Dad died in march, mum was always difficult but has now gone completely unreasonable. She calls me unhelpful and selfish and my brother is her rock! he is disabled and they in business together and he gets his income from her along with his family. Mum and dad did a lot for me when younger but in last 10 years no financial help ( not that I want it). Main problem is I will say when she is being unreasonable eg leaving grandsons wedding mid meal cos she had made appointment for tradesman to come to her house, expecting me to take her home and bring her back mid wedding meal! When I said not good timing she has had face on with me since, now says she won't look after our dog when we go away as she as always been ' too soft' with me. I miss my dad cos think he woul have stopped her being so bitter

[sscott1967]

Sounds like both our dads kept the peace and held the family together.Wonder what it is about mothers and sons? And unreasonable mothers?? x

[springytat]

It's nothing to do with mothers and sons. It's to do with a toxic person, who happens to be your mother. The gloves are off now your dad is no longer here.

I'm so sorry you've lost your dad, your ally in life (((hug)))

re she told me my dad thought I was trying to split them up and that I was always trying to be her equal or better than her - I doubt very much your dad said that. It sounds like it comes straight from her. Very telling, too.

I'd keep away from her iiwy. She'll be spitting toxic poison, so you'd best stay away as you go through your own grief. Make sure you do, won't you? I don't mean to be patronising but if your mother is creating all this poison, it's easy to forget yourself and your needs.

Look after yourself xxx

[springytat]

btw if you've had the role of scapegoat in the family (and it looks like you have; with your brother the golden child), it often falls to you to strive to make peace in the family (completely useless, mind, because they have no intention of letting you off the scapegoat hook EVER). You can get into a codependent mindset ie looking out for other people's feelings, focussing on their feelings rather than yours.

[sscott1967]

U know ur so right Springytat there's no holding her back now and she spouted it all once the funeral was over saying Dad never wanted to talk but now it's time cos he's not here anymore. Funny how everything that had to be said was how rotten I am and all the selfish things I've done. Here's an example of the poison..every birthday I would spend more on Dad! I would buy her nice plants etc but they were cheaper than a bottle of whiskey!! You're right as well about the scapegoat..always been that...even got deleted from facebook by her and my brother cos he had an argument with one of my friends. Anyway...all irrelevant...feel better already staying away.. :-)

[sscott1967]

You sound like you know what you're talking about...been through it?

[springytat]

oh yes I certainly have!

Or am - they never let it go. it goes on forever. I had a break from my family for a few years - got back together with them and it was worse than ever! I thought they'd have calmed down a bit - but no, not having me to kick made them rabid with pent-up blaming.

NC now. For good.

We should have scapegoat support groups imo xx

[Hissy]

spring we do have the scapegoat support group www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families?msgid=39499847

Jus' saying....

[Hissy]

[sscott1967]

Well I can safely say mine is a completely dysfunctional family with a narcissistic mother! Thank goodness for the internet :-)