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DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together

(184 Posts)
WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Fri 14-Jun-13 10:39:43

NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.

Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).

colditz Sun 07-Jul-13 17:56:12

Lol you win

diddl Tue 18-Jun-13 08:35:54

I think he wants out now that you're going to have a daughter to look after tbh.

Glad you've ended it-she's more important.

Jux Tue 18-Jun-13 08:22:58

It's an area that you have a sensitivity about; fair enough. Mostly you don't worry about it, and your mum has had a part in that, in your accepting of it. At the moment you are more sensitive about it, I suspect mainly - or wholly - due to your ex.

Your mum is trying to pull you back into where you were before he started on you, I think. It's exactly how my mum would have gone about it, too. I'm not entirely sure how helpful it is, but it would have given me a dose of reality and perspective, or that would have been her intention. wink

There will be fall-out from your split, inevitably. Your intellect is telling you what your mum is telling and your emotions are telling you what your ex (and those school bullies) told you.

I also think that if your ex hadn't picked on this then he would have found something else. Easy to say don't carry him with you for the rest of your life, but you do want to shed his malign influences, along with him!

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Mon 17-Jun-13 19:29:12

We never got round to putting the house in both our names, rather glad we didn't now. Partly because we haven't been living together too long in the general scheme of things, because of him working away, me working away etc. Joint account is only really used for gas bill etc, I've cancelled my payment into that.

His mum is trying to convince me to take him back and has promised to 'talk to him' hmm Not happening.

Thanks captainmummy, I'll have a look. Thanks everyone for your support, I do realise I must sound like a self obsessed teenager blush I am aware I'm not huge, just really loathe the fat bit at the moment. My mum thinks I'm being ridiculous.

pointythings Mon 17-Jun-13 18:31:20

grin at January

Januarymadness Mon 17-Jun-13 09:36:10

When you say all your finances are separate and the house is in your name, am I to take from that that he was not any old utter shit, he was a cocklodging utter shit at that?

captainmummy Mon 17-Jun-13 08:35:37

I Watched 'White Chicks' the other day on telly - now that is a movie that HATES women! All those skinny, skinny blondes squealing about their 'fat', their 'cellulite', their 'flabby' bits. Watch it, Rain and you'll see how ridiculous they are (made to look), and how ridiculous he is being to make you feel like that.

I'm 5.4" and a size 10, so similar to you. No way would anyone call me fat. And if they did, it's a problem they have, not me, or YOU.

And agree, bullies will find something; fat, eyebrows, bucky teeth, ginger hair - there is always something about yourself that they can go for. Again, that is their problem.

chipmonkey Mon 17-Jun-13 00:16:28

Bullies in school will find something to tease you over, they will find something you're sensitive about and tease you whether or not it's actually true.
Same as bullies at home.
You can't, can't be fat at a size 8-10. You remind me of me when I was 24. I moaned to everyone that I was fat and wore clothes to disguise my belly. And now, looking at the photos of me in a bikini, I look really thin, with maybe just a teeny-tiny belly. I would give anything to look like that now!

BriansBrain Mon 17-Jun-13 00:16:06

Love your mum

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Mon 17-Jun-13 00:02:15

Well you have just shed a large amount of useless weight.....him!

Tortington Sun 16-Jun-13 23:50:57

well done is all i can say

and i love your mum

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 16-Jun-13 23:49:00

It's the same thing I was teased over at school though doris, and my mum's 'it'll go eventually' explanation doesn't seem to be running true. It's not so much I'm unhappy with the way I look, I'm unhappy at being made to feel unhappy IYSWIM. But then with my luck at the moment I probably won't be able to get it off even if I do try. Feel a bit muddled really.

dayshiftdoris Sun 16-Jun-13 23:39:30


Don't bother trying to get rid of it - it is just who you are and you are a healthy weight x

And for what it's worth even nearly a stone & half down I still had hips, belly and thigh to be proud of.

Ignore the bastard as well as leave him xxxx

Ruprekt Sun 16-Jun-13 23:03:08

I think you should take some time with dd and your mum and do something to make yourself feel good. smilesmile

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 16-Jun-13 22:59:36

I actually feel a tiny bit sorry for him now, tried to call me again and my mum answered grin

House is in my name, finances are separate for lots of complicated reasons, we do have a joint account but not really used. A lot of the time we're not living together anyway because of his job and my job so in some ways nothing really changes I suppose.

Feeling fairly shitty about myself in all honesty but glad he's gone.

Ruprekt Sun 16-Jun-13 22:40:09

Silent cheering here for you Rain!smilesmile

Well done!

Is the house in your name? Will you be ok financially? Not sure what the situation is with your dd but presuming you candothis on your own. smile

tribpot Sun 16-Jun-13 22:28:47

Please do not waste any time imagining there is something wrong with your body shape. His comments would be completely unacceptable even if you were overweight - there's a marked difference between someone gently suggesting you could stand to lose a few pounds but they still love you and "you are fat and unattractive to me and therefore worthless" which is basically what he is saying to you - EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT FAT. This is purely a vulnerability in your self-esteem which he is exploiting. It could be anything - he doesn't care as long as he can feel he has power over you. You telling him to fuck off demonstrates that his power is gone. And thank god for that.

Definitely change the locks, and focus your efforts on rebuilding your self-esteem. You are far too awesome - at any weight you choose - for a such a tosser.

Jux Sun 16-Jun-13 22:21:02

Waddlecakes, you have a lot to learn.

OP, what a vile man. He doesn't deserve you.

Januarymadness Sun 16-Jun-13 22:01:04

Well done. Utter shit he is.

pointythings Sun 16-Jun-13 20:57:08

What an utter shit he is. You do realise, rain, that he is saying all those things to you because by dumping him you have won?

He thought he could keep you emotionally needy and dependent by putting you down and now you're wise to him, prioritising your DD and not putting up with his crap, and he can't handle it. You and your DM should sit down and celebrate with a lovely wine or brew because you are bloody marvellous.

You can now start working on your self-esteem and you will have that moment when you look in the mirror and all you see is a strong, independent, gorgeous woman who deserves a real man.

Boosterseat Sun 16-Jun-13 20:28:24

He knows he isn't good enough for you and wants to bring you down with him.

I would imagine you have the type of shape that catches my eye in women and I'm straight doris said it perfectly.

What an arsehole.

Doha Sun 16-Jun-13 20:20:23

Well done to both you OP and your mum

TheDoctrineOfAllan Sun 16-Jun-13 20:17:36

What a horrible horrible man. flowers for you OP

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 16-Jun-13 20:15:34

As in have emailed his mum to get her to come and clear his crap out my house.

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 16-Jun-13 20:14:55

I'm trying to get his digs out of my head, it's not as easy as it sounds. Have emailed his mum, wasn't brave enough to call her and really can't predict whether he's likely to tell her or not. My mum wants to call him and shout at him, I'm holding her off. I'm also getting the locks changed tomorrow, I know I'm paranoid but it'll make me feel better. He's tried to call me since the last time we spoke but I've rejected his calls, lord only knows what he thinks is left to be said.

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