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Has anyone ever "escaped" from their old life successfully and are now happy?

(16 Posts)
aglasstoomany Thu 13-Jun-13 19:03:24

I have been unhappy for a long time now, although have made positive steps. I have divorced my exH (divorced 1 yr now) after 13 yrs, taken on mortgage, brought my son up alone since he was 18 months ( 5 now) and recently escaped a potentially abusive relationship.
Now I feel alone. I do not get on with my mother, havent for years and realise she is really contributing to me feeling unhappy, she physically lives close and I feel she has a hold over me, treats me as a child and I do not like her influence on my son. I just feel i need physical distance, so she cant see Im in, or pop in when she wants etc :-( I feel the next step is to possibly move house, start looking into it, out of the previous marital home where i am now.
When i go away with my son, I am soo happy, when i return i am despressed and caught in the bubble again. I want to escape it. I want to do it before Im 40, Im 36 now. I really just feel i want to leave it all behind. I worry about changing schools for my son and wouldnt want to move too far, so he will continue to see his dad.
Has anyone successfully done this? I cant afford to make a mistake...

Ponyofdoom Thu 13-Jun-13 19:23:38

Not yet but I am about to move 100s of miles away to start again shortly. I have bought into the theory that a fresh start is necessary at some points in life. I think its definitely one of those things that you will think 'what if' if you don't do it. If you are unhappy anyway what is there to lose?

Ponyofdoom Thu 13-Jun-13 19:24:09

Btw congratulations on your escape! I escaped too smile

Ponyofdoom Thu 13-Jun-13 19:24:45

(From the abusive relationship I mean!)

wordyBird Thu 13-Jun-13 19:37:15

Hi aglasstoomany..... first, well done you - it's great to hear you are free from your exP. You did the right thing, no question.

Planning to move away sounds very positive. It would make a fresh start for you and your son. I don't have much practical advice, except to suggest you sketch out a few thoughts on where you'd like to go, the type of home you'd like to have, what budgetary and other constraints there are, and what you would hope to find in a new area. Keep it very broad as you go through some ideas. This will help you make some preliminary decisions.

It's a good time for your son to move, as he is so young. It will be a big adventure for him. If you were to wait several years, the upheaval would be much more significant. So the sooner the better!

cluecu Thu 13-Jun-13 20:16:31

I wasn't in an abusive relationship but it was certainly dysfunctional. I couldn't see a way out or how I'd ever be happy.

I am no longer in that relationship and am niw engaged to the best man in the world. But there were very sad and scary times on the way to now.

I shudder to think of the life I would have missed out on had I stayed though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 07:16:47

Mum is getting a lot of the blame at the moment - is that fair? Or is she an easy target? I could understand you moving out of the marital home if you felt it held too many memories, if there were no opportunities in the area, that kind of thing. But over-involved mothers can be managed to be less involved and IME they don't stop being involved just because you run away.

siezethenight Fri 14-Jun-13 08:05:00

Well done on everything you have thus far achieved. Its no small task to get out of a relationship that is long standing. The actual leaving the person is the easiest step of the process and not at all easy! Its the after you have left that is hard. From my perspective, after I left, after I got settled into a new house, after I had the dc's settled, after all the emotional stuff inside of me was put to bed - that's when it got tough. Because that's when you have to start to think about the rest of your life and what you are going to do... Its pretty scary as it goes.
I think your moving away sounds a good idea in your circumstances. You do not have to move far away to put significant distance between your mother and yourself. I am reminded of that episode of Raymond where he got a map out and drew circles on it and the middle one was the hot zone where they could not live - mother can walk to visit. The outer one was the warm one - too far away meaning when she visited, it meant an overnight stay - the middle one was the perfect zone - too far to visit unannounced, too close to have to stay over!
If you want a total and complete fresh start then move away - at 5 your son will be fine, really he will be. Its the best age to go. As somebody else said, its harder as they get older as they have established routines, friends, schools and so on by then, more of a wrench for them.
Good luck!

MNBlackpoolandFylde Fri 14-Jun-13 08:37:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully Fri 14-Jun-13 08:39:12


go for it

pick your area really really carefully

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 14-Jun-13 08:44:06

I'm almost 3 years out of horrid relationship, have just moved house to get away from stalking ex and I feel relatively happy, my life is mainly peaceful now and I'm really just enjoying that before even thinking about bringing another man in.

I'm working from home and also thinking of getting part-time work outside the house to meet new people.

Life is much better than it was 3 years ago

something2say Fri 14-Jun-13 09:32:59

I wonder if moving might be a mission too far when all that has to be said to your mum is get lost, you do my head in.

I escaped my family and a boyfriend at the same time.....changed job, moved out of his place, bought my flat, was single for was like being a teenager.

I get the fear of doing everything by yourself. Don't worry, it goes away!!! At least it did for me.

But as I say, do you really need to move to escape your mother coming in? Why not be open to her face about what you want, or no longer want? That was what escaping and finally growing up meant for me. I had to stand by what I thought, say it out loud to people's faces if necessary. That was the real escape. Coming out I suppose. As who I am.

ItsallFeegle Fri 14-Jun-13 09:38:17

Yes grin

I've had a very tumultuous life but I've never lost sight that I wanted more.

I worked hard, continued education on a PT basis whilst being a very young single parent to my DD and I'm now in a fulfilling career with a happy family life and a new DS.

It's very possible.

Good luck!

slug Fri 14-Jun-13 10:27:36

I escaped an abusive relationship and moved back home. (pre children) However, I found it oppressive being back in my home town, people knew me and they knew my ex. I felt pushed back into the role I had 7 years previously at the start of my relationship.

Eventually I moved half way round the world. I'm not saying it was all easy, getting established somewhere new is hard work both financially and socially. However, what I like about where I live now is I am anonymous. People here don't know me, my ex or my history. I was free to completely reinvent myself.

It's not easy. There were moments when I wondered if I should just give up and go home but now I'm glad. I can walk the streets without fear of running into my ex or any of his family. I have a close friend from home nearby and I've built a whole new life for myself including a DH and DD, a career and a good life.

khotney Fri 14-Jun-13 10:58:13

Hey aglasstoomany I'm so proud u left the abusive relationship. You know we are trained that marriage is not easy and you need to stay strong an be patient but sometimes its jus not worth it hey... But some women are really terrified to leave they stay and stay maybe for the sake of the kids and loose themselves and feel they are not worth anymore even though there are kids involved its ok for a mum to be selfish sometimes and think about herself right? Or the child's happiness has to come 1st always

Moving should be nice sometimes space and a peace of mind is jus nice I also needed to move from were I am to somewre far but finances stopped me. Well I'm currently far from family and I'm thinking moving to be close to them is the best I feel being near ma mum will help but you seem to think be away from her is best. I know mums can be something else but isn't she the best you need now that you are alone? Lol jus asking..

MrsMarigold Fri 14-Jun-13 11:07:55

Well done so far, but beware of what I call "grass is always greener syndrome". I've seen people with this affliction and they are never happy.

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