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Does anyone have a partner who is utterly tight with money?

(35 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 17:59:32

As in, spending money on you or you both as a couple. ie birthday, anniversary, just for the hell of it, night out etc.. Do they spend little - or nothing at all. If it just the 'way he/she is'? (ie not just down to being skint, as is in my DP's case).As in, If they had the money, they'd be the same. We rarely go out as I can't afford to pay for two. We've been together four years and only once has he bought me flowers, and that was only because I cleaned his house from top to bottom (and i mean really deep clean) before I lived with him. It's not like i expect him to pay his way if we were to go out. I've never been like that with any man. I would always go 50/50. But he can't afford his share (and when he does, doesn't want to) and i can't pay for two.
If your partner is like this, why are they? Do you just accept it? Am i being old fashioned? I actually don't expect flowers etc but just to be treated now and then would be nice, I mean he wouldn't even extend to a coffee if we were out, he thinks its a waste of money. Just to go out fairly regularly and be able to share the costs would be great...but if we go out (which is rare) i do end up paying for all or most otherwise we never would. And i end up feeling resentful (even if we had a great day out ) as i can rarely afford it (i really wouldn't care, if i could afford...i really do not believe the man should pay for everything)
And is your partner generous in other ways , if they are tight with the cash? Mine is but i still feel hard done by at times. Then again I have friends that have shite partners that lavish expensive gifts, hols etc and treat them like dirt..yes i envy the few that have the lovely and generous partners!
Please don't think i'm shallow /mercenary in any way. It would be just nice to go out more often and split the costs. We don't even have kids together (he has child who lives with his ex..i have none) so we do have the freedom to go worrying about finding babysitter etc. As i can't have kids, i wish i could enjoy that freedom... maybe i'm unreasonable and i'm with the wrong person :-(
I don't want a rich man! I just want some normality with the one i've got! (ie going out, doing stuff...)
Maybe we're just incompatible..he's 15 yrs older and a 'homebody' I still like going out and get cabin fever, doesn't help we're in a tiny flat...
Sorry this has turned out long

PilgrimSoul Sun 16-Jun-13 07:56:23

I think I could put up with a penurious man if he was working to improve his situation, in college, starting his own business, desperately looking for jobs etc, but this man isn't trying at all, and nor will he.
There is no end in sight. This is the deal. Accept it or move on.

Bedtime1 Sat 15-Jun-13 15:30:54

He sounds like a real catch! Seriously you can move out. There's always a way.

frogwatcher42 Sat 15-Jun-13 14:56:41

Time to move on I think. The not getting a job would do it for me. I would always expect an adult to get work, and if there isn't work available, then go and do voluntary work each day unless they have caring responsibilities and need to be at home. It doesn't sound as if he falls into this category so should be working or volunteering at least. It would make him a more interesting partner.

He sounds a loser. Lose him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Jun-13 06:11:08

" He doesn't like walking because his back hurts but surprisingly it's ok when he goes to gigs"

Please tell me he doesn't claim DLA or I'll have to get all Daily Mail on your ass.....

fluffiphlox Fri 14-Jun-13 19:19:47

I rarely post on relationships but he sounds like a work shy skinflint loser. Frankly if he can't get a job in London he's not really trying.

Lavenderhoney Fri 14-Jun-13 18:57:28

Have you looked on gumtree for house/ flat shares?

Think of it as a short term fix for a long term problem. You can apply for jobs anywhere really, your home town perhaps and stay with friends / family?

You don't have dc or marriage ties, so it should be quite easy to leave in a practical sense.

It doesn't sound like its going to change after 4 years, so unless you both have a plan to sort yourselves out and a timeframe then its not really worth hanging on, if you want something else out of life.

alltoomuchrightnow Fri 14-Jun-13 15:02:30

he used to do voluntary work...and went to college. he needs a massive kick up the arse. He likes doing the free museums and art galleries etc but refuses to pay the £8.50 travelcard to London (for fuck's sakes, we are lucky enough to have it that cheap! we live in a London borough!) I can't afford to pay for two..i have been out of work for 4 months. I've really had enough. He doesn't like walking because his back hurts but surprisingly it's ok when he goes to gigs (he gets in free to a lot of gigs you see) I know my answers..this has just decided it for me. I've had 4 yrs of this...he's kind in other ways but he is workshy and he is irresponsible and most of all he's boring and arrogant (eg working for others). I need someone young at heart..whatever age they are...who wants to live a life and not merely exist

Ragwort Fri 14-Jun-13 14:53:10

You can still go out and not spend any money, we spent a whole year doing that when we were travelling and on a very strict budget - we would look for things like free concerts, museums, art galleries, just take a flask of coffee and a sandwich, that sort of thing. It can be done and it is better than just sitting inside all the time. Going for a nice walk together to feed the ducks can be fun grin.

Why doesn't he even do voluntary work, that would get him out of the house and lots of organisations at least pay expenses?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 14:32:57

So he's basically workshy. Skint is one thing, tight is another. Doesn't care about debt. Rations the loo paper. Working for other people is beneath him. That bone idle and CBA mentality is deeply unattractive.

I'm sure you could afford to move out if you put your mid to it. Even if it's just renting a room in a shared house it'd be better than putting up with old Scrooge

KatieScarlett2833 Fri 14-Jun-13 14:00:51

DH is like this when it comes to spending money on himself. He puts it down to having been skint as a student. He earns more than enough to buy whatever he wants but agonises whenever he has to.
When it comes to DC and I though, he is generous to a fault, he is delighted to see our latest purchases and encourages us to treat ourselves.

alltoomuchrightnow Fri 14-Jun-13 13:54:51

he doesn't care about getting into debt..he couldn't be in any more debt if he tried (but those debts are from his marriage..years before i met him) he simply does not have the money. He's been cut to about £53 a week. He does not have it. But it makes for a miserable life. I would rather do any shitty job than try to live on £53 a week..but i'm not him a stubborn old bastard

alltoomuchrightnow Fri 14-Jun-13 13:53:22

he doesn't work because of back pain and that he doesn't want to work for anyone except himself hmm He does borrow off me and pays it back but it's a rolling debt as he's straight back to borrowing again. It's his flat we're in so he thinks I should be grateful and that that should make it 'quits' on everything. I moved here so we wouldn't split up because my home town is 50 miles away and he doesn't drive, and needs to be able to visit his son (by public transport). It's a lovely town here but I didn't know a soul except him and still feel v isolated.
Darkest... i was aghast and shocked at what you posted...and felt he's an angel in comparison to that man..but then i remembered..the other week he said i should be buying loo roll more often than he does, because 'women use more than men' shock I can't afford to move out. I tried before. When i can, he won't see me for dust.

Ragwort Fri 14-Jun-13 08:43:58

I know someone exactly like this (hope it isn't the same man shock), can be utterly charming, friendly and kind but has serious debt problems <stupidly we 'lent' him a decent sum of money, I know we will never see it again>. He has children that he doesn't provide for, smokes heavily 'because he is stressed', has expensive dogs and still manages to attract a continual women to sponge off .............. I just don't know how.

Run for the hills.

BalloonSlayer Fri 14-Jun-13 06:47:22

hmmm . . . well doesn't sound like your classic tightarsedness as obviously he has spent money before and ended up in debt, so presumably is trying not to do so again.

However, it doesn't sound like a goer, sorry.

Can I ask? Was he particularly keen for you to move in? Because then he wouldn't have to "go out" with you, would he?

hesterton Fri 14-Jun-13 06:44:05

It must be so boring being with someone who never wants to go out, but if he is genuinely broke, that must be hard for him.

Having said that, he does sound mean spirited. I think I'd be off.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 06:31:41

It's not shallow or mercenary to want a partner that is solvent. Life is grim enough. This man sounds like he has a mean spirit as well as an empty wallet.... not an attractive quality.

Darkesteyes Thu 13-Jun-13 23:55:14

OP heres my experience which i wrote about on another site.

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dark lady
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Is this miserly or moneysaving


Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

Selba Thu 13-Jun-13 23:51:37

Why does he not work?

Darkesteyes Thu 13-Jun-13 23:49:54

alltoo my ex OM was a bit like that. Not enough money to not shout at me for taking too long in the shower but enough to buy cigs and a new mobile phone every 2 months

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 23:31:25

i already left once, but came back. I know i'm going to have to do it all over again and stick to it.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:07

He doesn't care about debt, Frogwatcher. Hence being in the position he is in. Lack of personal responsibility.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 23:29:04

he is on benefits. he is genuinely skint.He has no savings, massively in debt. Either we don't go out, or I have to pay for it all. He doesn't save a penny and he does buy ciggies so i do feel resentful. He is generous in other ways but in many, a grumpy old man. Yes i guess it does come down to incompatibility..big decision time for me... What attracted me in first place? He made me laugh loads. I did know the score from the start..but i really didn't feel four years on, it would be worse... I guess a lot of its about different priorities.

80sMum Thu 13-Jun-13 20:56:58

Oh dear OP, not exactly a bundle of fun is he?! He must have had some redeeming qualities that attracted you to him in the first place. Does he still? Are they enough?

Sadly I think you may need to consider that this man is not the one for you. If he is like this now, imagine how things might be in 5, 10, 20 years time. I

frogwatcher42 Thu 13-Jun-13 20:45:43

I am a little confused. You say if you go out he can't afford his share so you end up paying? Does he work?

I think the problem is you have to decide if he is genuinely broke (presumably he is paying support for his child) in which case his tightness wouldn't bother me as I can't stand debt. Or is he just tight and had stacks of money hidden away (in which case you sound incompatible and he is being mean).

Maybe he just cant afford the cups of coffee etc and doesn't want to go into debt?

runningonwillpower Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:18

It's one thing being skint. It's another being a drag.

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