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I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

(271 Posts)
OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:07:44

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Mon 04-Nov-13 11:29:53

Hooray for you, Tiger! Have only got one thing to add to everyone else's fabulous advice above, which is where you said up-thread before you did kick him in to touch (well done!) "he deserves me to give him a chance" or something along that line - in your future relationships can you please, please always remind yourself that:

a) you are already giving someone a chance by going out with them in the first place;
b) that no one has the right to mess anyone about "first", before they start treating them properly; and
c) that the population of people who deserve to be treated properly from the start includes you (Well, it includes everyone of course - but that also means you! smile)

Onwards & upwards love flowers

YouAreMyRain Sun 03-Nov-13 22:57:06

Zombie alert

JEANNY71 Sun 03-Nov-13 22:51:27

I did the Freedom Programme on line via the womens aid site. Would thoroughly recommend it. Abuse comes in many different forms, the pyschological scars are probably harder than the physcial ones and harder to grasp in many ways.

There is a book called "Living with the Dominator. It describes the many traits and characteristics of abusers which many women take as being "normal". I did, made excuses, ignored the "red flags". It is an essential read if like me you attract a certain type of man.

Trust your gut instincts as a woman they never let you down. Enjoy being you. Best of luck x

zzzexhaustedzzz Fri 21-Jun-13 13:07:55

You can just ring womens aid for a chat. I did (or IDAS? same thing...) and found they were great listeners and very understanding... Felt like a fraud at first as I'd always assumed that you had to have been battered to need/warrant their help.
Yes deffo be on the way somewhere and or with a friend.. this is a chance he won't want to waste!!

SolidGoldBrass Thu 20-Jun-13 10:26:38

Take a friend with you and be 'on our way' somewhere else. Remember, he is dumped so you do not have to socialise with him. If he bleats and fusses, just keep calmly repeating 'There is nothing to discuss, the relationship is over.'

bobbywash Thu 20-Jun-13 08:28:46

Why do you have to meet, there are other ways to swap stuff without meeting each other.

OhTiger Wed 19-Jun-13 23:16:34

I managed to accidentally hide this thread from myself blush

Anyone know how I unhide?

I have to see him this week to swap over some stuff. That is not going to be nice. It was supposed to be today, but I bailed. Urgh.

Must remember Womens Aid. Thank you for the reminder. Googled a bit and looks like no freedom programme around here til October sad

zzzexhaustedzzz Wed 19-Jun-13 22:13:57

Wow, I am so pleased for you Tiger!
Just caught up with this and wanted to say:
Well done
Women's Aid (don't forget!!)
and enjoy having your freedom back...
Oh and yes - Facebook BLOCK!!

chipmonkey Sat 15-Jun-13 14:00:00

Oh, Defriend and block! There's no other way.

OneMoreGo Sat 15-Jun-13 10:51:55

Ah, is he still on your facebook? Time to defriend I think, or at least hide him for a while.
You've done so well and I love the turn this thread has taken, with your kids speaking up and the whole thing bringing you closer together as a family. Their instincts are spot on smile And they sound like great kids. Well done.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 15-Jun-13 10:02:32

dont be worrying about what the neighbours think, they dont pay your bills!

Stay strong, you have done the right thing.

OhTiger Sat 15-Jun-13 09:43:02


I am being strong but feeling a bit sick. I must stop checking Facebook.

Happily my gayest best friend is coming over this afternoon. He'll sort it out.

Dread to think what the very gossipy neighbours will have to say about a new fella turning up a the last ones left. Lots I imagine.

2013go Sat 15-Jun-13 08:08:41

Go, tiger!
Don't weaken if he tries to come back- your inner voice is firm and clear.
Your girls sound amazing

OhTiger Sat 15-Jun-13 06:47:51

Nail on the head SGB grin

He thought it was because all of his previous girlfriends were mad. I know. I know.

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 02:18:37

I just grin at SGB there too!

Basic but accurate.

Hissy Sat 15-Jun-13 00:01:39

Oh me too! I <3 SGB!

ProperStumped Fri 14-Jun-13 22:34:25

I do love you SGB grin

SolidGoldBrass Fri 14-Jun-13 21:51:04

Well done OP. And one more little thing to consider - in your opening post you mention that this loser man has not had much 'luck' with relationships in the past. Hmm, could that be because he is actually an arsehole?

TotallyBursar Fri 14-Jun-13 21:00:18

You must be very proud of them.
Although they didn't want to hurt your feelings they have just demonstrated exactly why the terribly hard things you have done have been worth it - they can clearly judge a person, and they now have it cemented that those instincts that will do the most work to keep them safe are spot on.
Alongside you reinforcing the idea they can always talk to you about misgivings is such a healthy place to be.
Ranty eh?...Telling language there.

It did show too that maybe you are the one that didn't see it so clearly, but you did get there and you did know that. Hence post.
How far you must have come. I have a great deal of respect for what you have done in order to get girls so switched on.

Crack open the wine and enjoy!
I'm typing this while eating a babybel as no booze for me - it's not quite the same sad grin.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 14-Jun-13 19:05:14

Out of the mouths of babes, eh?

Enjoy your birthday! wine

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 14-Jun-13 18:52:41

well done for todays turn of events. You have done really well - for your girls, yourself and I wish you a fantastic Birthday - whats left of it.


OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 18:50:32

Totally right AF. Lesson learned. They thought they would hurt my feelings and I'd be upset. I've told them they can't hurt my feelings by having feelings of their own, and we discussed it a bit. Now they'll tell me I hope. But I'll be sure to check harder. Of I ever so this again.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 18:08:16

This is why you can't just assume that kids are ok with something

If they think YOU are ok with it, they are less likely to speak up to protect you

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 17:59:00

Vet boyfriends no! I agree, that would be horrid. But yes, I just need them to know they can say of they don't like ANYONE we have in our home, for any reason and I'll listen. I won't make a song and dance out of out. Just need then to be clear.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 17:55:56

She's not asking them to vet her boyfriends hmm she's finding out why they didn't feel confident enough to say 'I don't like him - he's an angry person'. Big difference.

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