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I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

(271 Posts)
OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:07:44

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

Lweji Thu 13-Jun-13 13:11:51

Yes, and you don't need to refund him.

wannabestressfree Thu 13-Jun-13 13:12:26

It sounds like my bf except he doesn't live with me. I am feeling slowly suffocated but know bringing anything up with him results in a meltdown..... he is very woe is me. He resents the amount I have my children [their father works away] not liking the fact we don't have 'our' time. I have introduced him to friends and he is quiet to the point of being sullen even in front of my family.

If we could live in a bubble it would be perfect for him. He has a very low sex drive but is very tactile.

Anyway sorry for hijacking. I really hope it goes well. If it feels wrong and that there is a problem there generally is.

I just like the time you can date people. Nothing all consuming etc.

tallwivglasses Thu 13-Jun-13 13:14:15

you are so right. Learn from this! Remember, you don't have to justify or explain anything. You don't have to give reasons. its just not working for you. have a good birthday smile

FringeEvent Thu 13-Jun-13 13:14:48

I agree with Lweji on both counts

Sodapop55 Thu 13-Jun-13 13:15:42

If he makes you unhappy, do it. Much easier to finish while its still fresh and you're unhappy than two years down the track when you're committed much more (by kids, finances or otherwise) and utterly miserable.

3Caramel Thu 13-Jun-13 13:15:51

Only you know what is the right think to do, but it does sound like you'll be relieved once you've done it (always a sign that you've done the right thing)! And the fact you're so seriously thinking about it, yes, get it over & done with. Of course you'll be sad (and he'll be hurt) but that can't be avoided. Keep the explaination simple i.e. I just don't think that it's working out, rather than giving a reason that he could make excuses for e.g. it's all moved too fast.

I wouldn't mention money or reimbursing re bills/food or household purchases. If he brings it up, then just give him all the bits he paid for back.

Good luck! And happy birthday - sorry it's all coming to a head today of all days.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:17:35

Thank you Lweji

Meltdowns sound very bad news wannabe. I don't like the sound of that at all. Would you like to join me in binning? Strength in numbers and all.

I shall not be dating for Some Considerable Time. if ever

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:21:04

So how do I deal with the guilt of ruining his life? I know what I want (out), and I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.

And I need not to be talked out of it.

Would I be better asking for a 2 week break to think about it? Easier for him?

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:22:17

And what do I say to the children? He's become quite a big part of their life and they always ask if he'll be coming over. Do I just tell the truth 'we split up' which seems brutal, or do I let them think he's busy for a while and get them used to him not being here again?

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 13-Jun-13 13:23:59

You are definitely doing the right think OP. You know that this relationship is over. He must know it too. Yes, he will be sad, but it is much better to do it now.

Good luck

MooncupGoddess Thu 13-Jun-13 13:24:35

No, don't say you want a break! That will just prolong the agony. End it now.

And you haven't ruined his life... everyone gets dumped at some point. It's not like you've murdered his entire family and cleaned out his bank account.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 13-Jun-13 13:29:12

You have only been going out with this guy a few months. I very much doubt you have managed to ruin his life in such a short space of time.

He still has his own home. He still has his own friends (even if he hadsnt seen them in a few weeks). If you continue in this relationship you will run the risk of things being more difficult for him when (not if) you do end it.

3Caramel Thu 13-Jun-13 13:29:50

Agree with mooncupgoddness - don't prolong the agony by mentioning a break. He's a grown man and, although you obviously care about hurting him, it's not your fault. Relationships don't work out all the time - it's no one's fault!

Re children, yes, it'll be tought on them, but just give a short explaination too i.e. it didn't work out. And maybe they'll be happy to have you back to themselves 100%? Also, I hate to say this, but maybe try to take things a little slower next time, so the kids only get attached once it's more of a sure thing.

Hope it goes ok!

something2say Thu 13-Jun-13 13:31:19

He shouldn't have moved in and perhaps you shouldn't have let him. Never test the depth of a river by jumping in with both feet.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 13-Jun-13 13:32:37

As for your DCs, yes, tell them he is working (to give yourself a bit of time to get your head around it). Then, in a few days, if they mention it, tell them however you think is best.

Ragwort Thu 13-Jun-13 13:35:25

You are not 'ruining his life' - hmm - he will get over it and find someone else to sponge off. Don't say you want a break, just finish it, tell your children you have split up and go out and celebrate your brithday.

(and as others have said, it does sound as though he 'moved in' far, far too quickly).

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:36:03

I should never have let him, you are all right. It just seemed to creep up on me and suddenly he was here all the time and doing the garden. I've got masses coming up and I am never doing this again. Since I split with FWEx my home has been my little sanctuary. Don't intend sharing it so freely again. I have been a pushover and a bit of a mug.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:37:12

I'm normally very strong and independent and a proper leftie feminist

I really don't know what happened to me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 13-Jun-13 13:37:12

Sounds like he is a cocklodger. He needs to be gone from your lives as of now.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:45:12

sad I don't know about cocklodger. Maybe, but not intentionally. Just not for me I think.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:46:36

Fucking hell. Now he chooses to text me all bloody day saying nice things and suggesting sex. WHY NOW? WTF do I text back? I can't dump by text. That's just too horrible.

LittleFrieda Thu 13-Jun-13 13:50:05

He sounds creepy.

HansieMom Thu 13-Jun-13 13:52:14

He is probably sensing something is amiss.

Ragwort Thu 13-Jun-13 13:54:16

Just reply saying you have something importat you would like to discuss and to meet in a neutral place (that should give him a strong message grin) and ignore any reference to sex sounds immature

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