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Finding a nice single man?

(195 Posts)
Impossibleornot Thu 13-Jun-13 12:41:17

I'm a regular who has name changed and I am ready for the flaming that I will no doubt get hmm

I have read so many threads on here from OW and about OW that suggest they go and find themselves a single man and leave the MM alone.

Ive been seeing a MM for 18 months. I love him, he loves me. We have an understanding, he wont leave his wife (he loves her and their children) and I dont want a full time relationship as I have children and I dont want to bring another man into their lives, they already have a Dad.

Because I know that we cannot be together I have never closed my eyes to the option of meeting someone else. Oh and I have met plenty of men, problem is, they are all complete nobs!! In 4 years of being single I have never met an available man who dos not have something wrong with him.

So in summary, I KNOW I shouldnt be seeing a MM, but my alternative is to be single (I hate being single, I need to kiss and cuddle someone, I feel desperately lonely when I dont have someone) or to go for 'second best' in which case I might as well have stayed unhappily married as my EX is more normal than most of the blokes I meet.

I am probably trying to justify myself, which is nice and easy on an anonymous forum, but how on earth do people meet nice men? do they even exist?

Lweji Wed 19-Jun-13 10:12:38

It's not the wrong answer, but you (whatever username you're using) talk about companionship, love, sex and then it's not about that.
It would help (you, mostly, IMO) to know what really is that you are getting out of this relationship.

Personally, I don't care what you do.

Going back to your OP, every single man you will find will have something wrong with him, as does this man (he's married, a cheater and a liar, to start with).
It's just a matter of finding one that has something wrong, but with whom you can be happy with despite that wrong thing. (we all have our faults)

In any case, I do hope you take from this thread that you work on your self esteem and on how to be happy with yourself without having to depend on a relationship.
As I do suspect that neediness will tend to attract the wrong sort of person, yes.

AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee Wed 19-Jun-13 09:56:05

Geez. That is so derogatory. I don't think it's a 'good' idea to have an affair with a mm, but when I read these threads it's the vitriol directed at lonely 'mistresses' that sickens me more. And, like you say upthechimney the contempt for single women confused

UptheChimney Wed 19-Jun-13 09:33:20

alone to have a wank with my latest collection from Ann Summers

You see, THIS is how you completely disrespect other single women.

Pretty contemptible.

Hopingtobehappy Wed 19-Jun-13 09:19:56

I agree its time for me to stop posting. It doesnt matter what I say its taken out of context smile

Lweji I would love to answer the question as to what I get out of it, but it will be the 'wrong' answer, so I am not going to bother.

Still dont understand how I have not 'listened' I have read every single post.

Are people waiting for me to say that I have dumped this man and become Mary fucking Poppins, holidaying happily with my children whilst gaily laughing with my new friends at the tennis club before heading off (grinning from ear to ear) alone to have a wank with my latest collection from Ann Summers? Give me a week and I will see what I can do.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Wed 19-Jun-13 08:17:31

Suspect it is time to disengage this thread. I don't see why the OP bothered asking any sort of question, as she clearly doesn't listen to anyone else or see any other point of view from her own.

Lweji Wed 19-Jun-13 07:35:27

No, you're not married.
You're just the getaway driver for a bank robber.

And what on earth are you getting from this man?
Are you even more than friends with him?
Utterly confused.

badinage Wed 19-Jun-13 00:28:54

Participating in this thread feels strangely like being an unwilling actor in a bad re-enactment of that old film Gaslight.

I get the impression OP, that if we bumped into you in the morning and you said the weather was shit - and we replied that yes, it was overcast and humid, you'd say:

"I didn't say that! Look, there's blue sky over there and the sun's about to come out!" confused

So, overlooking all your utterly contradictory posts where you alternately say you're doing a nasty and wicked thing, then imply you're not responsible as you're not the married one, or that your lover is behaving selfishly, but it's wrong for others to presume that he's selfish - and suspending any scepticism that you're not the same wind-up poster who had a similar thread around Christmas time which comprised of the OP sparring with and sniping at anyone who gave advice she didn't want to hear, what it comes down to is this:

You will do what in the end, you think suits you best. If you take from this thread a reinforced sense that it's just terrible luck you've met no nice single men and that they might not even exist - and that a man who's been lying to his wife for 18 months who doesn't give you affection, is as good as it gets for now - fine.

It's your prerogative to ignore any contrary opinions and to continue this thread sparring with posters instead of engaging with the essence of their posts, or any advice they offer.

Just as it's other posters' right to disengage when they feel that an OP is on a wind-up, is trying but failing to yank people's chains and isn't looking for any real advice about resolving the dilemma she posted about.

Impossibleornot Tue 18-Jun-13 18:30:21

Again, words into my mouth.

Where have I said that I justify having an affair because I need affection? I actually dont get the affection from my affair, its something I want/need that I am not getting, I think I have mentioned that several times now.

And having an affair doesnt just involve 'fucking' it isnt always just some sleazy, dirty, underhand thing. Whilst I understand that you are angry, I am not the married one, I remained faithful through my marriage and that was my choice, I will not makes choices for others, live and let live.

UptheChimney Tue 18-Jun-13 18:16:19

Finding a partner is as much a matter of luck as it is attractive appearance, pleasant personality, intelligence or a good job

I absolutely & utterly agree, Blackbird I get so sick&tired of people suggesting "Maybe you're single because you're too ..." whatever.

But, and this is what makes me cross, this is something some of us just put up with. We don't use it as a justification to fuck have an affair with somebody else's husband, or turn our want for affection into a "need" that trumps ethical behaviour towards other women.

blackbirdatglanmore Tue 18-Jun-13 17:46:55

We're getting back to the "if you are single it is your fault" posts. It isn't. Finding a partner is as much a matter of luck as it is attractive appearance, pleasant personality, intelligence or a good job.

I don't like meeting new people on holiday - why, because I don't go to "mingle" (puke) or socialise, I go to relax. I don't for a moment think there is anything wrong with me or that I need to alter my approach.

Impossibleornot Tue 18-Jun-13 16:22:21

who didnt like meeting new people on holiday

I love how words that you say are taken completely out of context !!

I said that I didnt enjoy going on holiday last year because I was low and felt that was unfair on the children. Not once did I say that I didnt enjoy meeting new people on holiday and actually had I met new people on that holiday it might have been better, however, I didnt. And that wasnt because I didnt want to.

badinage Tue 18-Jun-13 15:22:40

^ I fully understand that anyone who has not been in that position themselves will just presume that they are a bad/selfish person, which I presume that you do not class yourself as?^

Which gives the impression you do not presume your lover's behaviour is selfish.

As a few people have pointed out too, you quite rightly castigate the men you've encountered on OD, but have a think about what you bring to the table and why you might be off-putting to better men and only attractive to very poor quality characters.

I know of quite a few families who do shared parenting/residence and all of the men have found new partners. Only one did so on a dating site, but AFAIK it was one for professionals and charged a hefty fee. The others met women through work, the tennis club and one met a fellow single parent through his son's friendship with her lad.

I don't suppose any of those relationships would have got off the ground if those women had been in love with other men, who didn't like meeting new people on holiday, who had mental health issues and who were frightened of being their real selves. One or two of those impediments are probably surmountable in a fledgling relationship, but the package of all of them, less so.

I just can't see how you're going to meet a nice single man until you address those barriers and realise that what you bring to the table is flawed too.

Impossibleornot Tue 18-Jun-13 14:59:35

It is selfish, I didnt say it wasnt.

And I agree, he is taking away his wifes choices.

badinage Tue 18-Jun-13 14:39:02

I realise that was tongue in cheek, but the MM could be described as:

One man who thinks it's acceptable to take away his wife's choices while he secretly forces her to have a non-monogamous relationship for 18 months.

That doesn't seem to be a lesser offence in any way than the ones committed by the men you met on OD sites.

How is that not selfish either?

Impossibleornot Tue 18-Jun-13 10:30:23


Very pleased for you! I presume that you had longterm relationships with all of those men? or that you are still with them/one of them?

From dating sites I met:

One man who was estranged from his children and didnt tell me until the third date, he described them as 'parasites' they were 10 and 12.

One man who said he was 5'11 and an Accountant. He was 5'3 and worked in Tescos

One man seemed very nice and then the morning after our date he texted me to tell me that he has a 'massive boner' and was I feeling horny for him?

One man I went on a date with, arranged another, it was a while before we could meet up and he started sending texts every hour saying how long it would be until we saw each other again, i.e. 'just 352 hours until we are together again'

Another seemed very nice, I saw him for a while, but I asked him not to call me, or call around out of the blue (I had not told the children I was seeing anyone) he ignored this and would ring and pop round constantly, when I asked why, he said he didnt trust me not to be seeing other men.

These are just to name but a few. I have been called a prick tease when I havent fallen into bed with them on the first date and I have been called a prude when I have objected to sex texts (and pictures!!!)

OMG writing all that down, I can see my answer staring me in the face as to why I would 'settle for second best' with a MM (said tongue in cheek, I know its not right)

OneMoreChap Tue 18-Jun-13 10:28:57

nah, I'm probably bad/selfish but I loved my kids :-)

I'd say that one of my single siblings (well divorced but available) has a lot of "success" on dating sites. [mix of single/divorce/MW] who want a range encounters...

DonutForMyself Tue 18-Jun-13 10:18:12

Impossible I met 5 blokes from OD sites, 2 of them had 50/50 custody of their DCs and an amicable relationship with their ex; one was a SAHD previously and spends 2 days a week with his DCs now, although was a bit bitter about his ex; one had grown up DCs, no issues with his exes and just wanted someone to spend a bit of time with at the weekends (wouldn't have worked because I have my DCs most weekends); one had no DCs in his early 40s because his ex hadn't wanted them and he was quite sad that he may never have his own DCs but open to possibly being SD to a new partner's DCs.

Not sure why I don't appear to have met any of these unsuitable nut-jobs, but honestly my experience of dating was nothing but positive.

Impossibleornot Tue 18-Jun-13 10:09:15


From experience it seems that men of around my age (and im not fussy I would happily go younger or older) are single because of the following reasons:

1. Never been married or had a serious relationship (alarm bells ring straight away here for me)
2. Divorced/seperated with no children (in my experience this doesnt work as they so not understand how high in my list of priorities my children come)
3. Divorced/seperated with children (in my experience, as in the ones that I have met are very bitter and spend most of their time whinging about how much their exW take from them, how they dont see the children, etc. etc. I am still yet to meet someone from this category who is OK with the fact that I have an amicable relationship with my ex)

In an ideal world I would like to meet someone from (3) above, but one who is a good Dad and spends lots of time with his kids, I wouldnt want to intrude on that, not straight away anyway. I would not respect a man who did not put his kids very high up on his list of priorities (and before anyone says it, my MM DOES put his kids high on his list, its one of his appeals to me, he spends every minute possible with them)

As you were a MM when you met your DW, you are likely to understand the reasoning behind my MM's actions. I fully understand that anyone who has not been in that position themselves will just presume that they are a bad/selfish person, which I presume that you do not class yourself as?

OneMoreChap Tue 18-Jun-13 09:18:14

As other posters have said - why do you think those other men are single.

At that sort of age it's likely many of them close to your age will probably have children [in which case - rightly - you're not going to be the focus of their attention]; if they didn't have children, why would they necessarily want to be with a woman who does?

I understand that many single/divorced men complain about the paucity of nice single women, too. I met my lovely DW through work. OK, she was my OW for a bit, but I changed job, stopped relationship and then later left wife. I got OW back as GF then DW. She might say she got a nice man - but I was MM when we met...

I'd hate to be single, too, so I understand the drive to be with someone...

Lweji Tue 18-Jun-13 06:43:42

Why are you with him, then?
What do you get from him? Apart from sex?

You can easily drop him any time you want.

badinage Mon 17-Jun-13 20:45:29

It's not selfish to want someone to love and to hold.

It is selfish to have an affair with a married person and to continue with that arrangement.

You're unlikely to get what you say you want or need if this and some of your other untackled impediments continue.

You still might not get what you want or need even if you tackle those barriers, but if it's at all important to you to know that your integrity and honesty are intact, you will at least have those, plus the opportunity for things to change for you in the future.

Impossibleornot Mon 17-Jun-13 20:07:42

I think my main crime here is to not be able to express my difficulties 'elequently'.

I have said time and time again that I know that I need to make changes, I am not sure what or how you would prefer me to put it.

I think that you have misread (or I am not so good at expressing what I mean) what I have said about needing/wanting affection. I DONT Get that with the MM, I never will either, as he has no plans to leave. I WANT that with someone single, but I cant find someone single.

Whilst you have my greatest sympathies in what happened to you, I think you have been a little unfair in saying that I am selfish because I would like someone to love and hold.

UptheChimney Mon 17-Jun-13 19:32:09

Impossibleornot it helps actually to read posts. I don't deny at all what velvetspoon & others have said about being single. They've expressed the difficulties of the situation very eloquently. They copuld have been writing the story of my life & my experience: married people don't like having the facts of singledom explained to them, for example.

And as I've said myself, I've been single for a long time. I was widowed in my 30s with a small child, and my heart really was broken. By the time I had recovered, I was in my late 30s/early 40s and I know from bitter experience that there are very few nice single men who want to be in a committed relationship. As I said upthread, I've pretty much given up.

But what I object to what you say, absolutely, is that throughout this thread you have used your difficulty with being single and your want to have affection, to justify your behaviour in having an affair well to put it truthfully, fucking a married man.

Many women experience the loneliness etc of being single. Many women think to themselves "This wasn't what I planned." But not so many women then go on to justify sleeping with someone else's husband because they "need" sex. Hell, a lot of us might feel that way, but we don't behave so immorally or selfishly.

I am just fed up with your selfish justifications. And you don't seem at all able to accept that you are behaving disgracefully towards another woman, your children, and yourself.

badinage Mon 17-Jun-13 19:16:51

I'm sure you need to make changes. There have been many suggestions about which ones and how to go about it, but I don't get the impression you yet want to do anything different. Sometimes when we're in situations, it's impossible to see the consequences of what we're doing and it's only when we change things and look back, we can see that a relationship, job or way of behaving was stunting and holding us back.

I think this might apply to you right now.

Impossibleornot Mon 17-Jun-13 18:58:26

Not really ! it has just made me see that there are others in the same situation (I mean unhappily single, not having an affair)

I know I need to make changes, just not really sure what or how yet.

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