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Help, advice please

(122 Posts)
MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 09:40:35

I can't really believe I am writing this, it may be a bit of a mind dump, so please bear with me.

I have upset my husband again, but I am not sure why he gets so annoyed, a lot of it might be in my head, or my fault, I am just so confused and even writing this is making me feel cold all over because once it is out there, it can't be unsaid, can it? And I suspect I am going to look like an idiot here.

I will go with this morning as an example, please do say if you think I was at fault because I am not sure, I am finding it really hard to get things straight in my head these days.

So we got up, H got breakfast for DD. I got her school stuff ready, uniform, lunch etc. Then I got some stuff together to wrap a parcel that needs returning and is being collected at some time today. I sat down on the living room floor to sort it - a process that would take a total of 5 mins as I had prepared everything last night.

H came in to the room and started to shout at me for not having done it the night before, he says I never finish anything I start. I said that I had prepared everything last night and that all I had to do was wrap it, which I continued to do.

Then he got more irate and said I was taking up all the room in the living room and that was the space he uses to dress DD (who can dress herself as an aside) and that he had to work, and that I wasn't even dressed and he supposed I expected him to take her to school. We had discussed that last night and we were both going to take her. He said that I always change my mind and I am impossible to live with. Oh and that I am still taking up all the room (it is not a small room btw).

So I moved back and gave him some more space and he continued to shout and swear at me. Then as he walked past me he kicked a can of drink in to me, it didn't hurt but it was deliberate. Then started getting DD dressed still mumbling and swearing that I never do anything and that he has work to do (he works from home) and that now he has to take DD to school.

I cried a bit - embarrassingly, he didn't hurt me or anything, I was just so frustrated. Then I went upstairs to get dressed so I could take DD to school, after 5 mins he sent her up so I could fix her hair and shouted up the stairs that he knew I wasn't bothering to take her but couldn't I at least watch her for 10 mins so he could work. I was dressed and ready to go at this point.

Then I took DD down to take her to school and he shouted at me for changing my mind again, he is fed up with me and he can't be bothered with 'this' any more.

I was going to go and get a coffee and sit in the library after I had dropped her off so he could relax and get on with his work but I thought he might be pissed off if I stayed out without telling him where I was/when I would be back so I came home. He is ignoring me now.

God reading that back it probably is my fault, I expect I am rather annoying. I am also shit with money which I know pisses him off but I struggle to change, I do try but I always fall back in to bad habits.

Gah! please help me figure out how to sort this out, otherwise he's going to be pissed off with me all day.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 14-Jun-13 21:13:23

Do not let your fear of him hold you back, bullies like your H use dominance to maintain their position. He is really a coward.

Many abusive men directly or indirectly threaten that they will not leave the family home, that gives them power over their victims. However, such men are not above the law so do remember that. He's followed the abusers handbook here to the bloody letter.

His family will back him over you so they cannot be relied on at all.
You don't need his toxic bloody family, his mother has not brought anything positive into your own life has she?. Like mother, like son.

You need legal advice and Womens Aid asap. You have right on your side (as well as MN) and your DD and you do not have to live like this or in fear.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 14-Jun-13 21:16:10

Your DD does sound lovely actually. Also I read that she has defended you against her dad. This child has seen and heard way too much already in her young life. You both deserve better.

Protect your daughter from malign influences, teach her positive life lessons on relationships rather than all this crap she is absorbing from life at home in its current form.

foolonthehill Fri 14-Jun-13 22:13:31

It seems impossible...but it is not. you just do one thing at a time. Learn what you can, see what you need, get information, keep quiet about what you are doing and keep posting for support. (Women's Aid number does not show on a BT bill.)

many have been there before and we know it is so tempting to hide from the truth...but I don;t think you will because once you've "seen" him and understand what he does you can't "un-see".

Your daughter will thank you in the long run...but YOU deserve to be free too.

We are all here to help in whatever way you need.

You might have a look at the links at the top of this thread Support thread 23 if you have time.

remember in private browsing

springytate Sat 15-Jun-13 00:21:20

Are you concerned you won't be able to cope with your daughter on your own? She will be a different child when you leave the abusive shit you both live with. You will both be different people.

However, I'm concerned that the way your mother viewed you may be influencing the way you are seeing your daughter - eg, irritating.

What you went through as a child is not in the past. It is very much in the present.

Your husband is not above the law. I don't care how wealthy and powerful he and his family are, they are not above the law. You and your daughter have legal rights - the law will protect and enable you to realise those rights.

You say you don't want your daughter to move from her school etc (she doesn't necessarily have to if you split from the malign bully you both live with btw) - but perhaps you're not accepting how desperately damaging it is for her to be living in the environment she is. You may be prepared to put up with it, please don't let her have to put up with it. She is so little, yet she has already been exposed to her father shouting at and bullying her mother; her father shouting at and bullying her.

Try to step back and see this for what it is. Look at your story and see it for what it is. Take out the emotion and see it for what it is.

Read 'Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft (it is already linked on your thread).

Pilgit Sat 15-Jun-13 08:28:31

"I know I have to get her out.... But I am genuinely worried that he won't let me." You do not need is permission to leave or leave the marriage. It is not his decision to make. If you want to leave (fwiw, I think he sounds awful and you should leave) then there is nothing he can do about it - you are not his property.

and yes, children can be irritating - just as we as adults can be annoying. However that is no excuse for his appalling behaviour. Do you find her annoying because she doesn't know 'the rules' and so 'upsets' him?

You are not the annoying or irritating one. You have been conditioned to believe that you are always wrong - your default position that stems from childhood and your mother's treatment of you is that you are innately 'wrong' and irritating and so deserve to be treated like this. You see little wrong in it because, well, you just are in the wrong and that is your default setting. You are not. You are a human being and deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. Yes we can all behave badly from time to time and annoy other people - that does not mean the type of behaviour he (or your mother for that matter) displays is an acceptable or appropriate reaction.

I would start making a plan to leave. Any time he is out of the house start pulling together copies of financial stuff to prove how much he is worth and make sure you have info on all accounts and investments that there are. Funds for a solicitor - these, I believe (but there are other much more knowledgeable people on this forum) can be paid out of any divorce settlement

springytate Sat 15-Jun-13 09:02:44

Great post pilgit

WA will support you to plan leaving. There is a preparation list on their website but you can also have a support worker from WA to support you through the steps.

He is not your dad, you don't need his permission to leave. You don't need his permission to realise your human rights. (I think one of the things that my husband just couldn't comprehend was that I left him without his permission. He thought he had me so cowed that he genuinely thought he had trained me to do what I was told.)

springytate Sat 15-Jun-13 09:07:40

btw abusers also regularly do that 'if you leave you're not taking the children' thing to make you feel you have no real choice. It's almost always hot air. In very rare circs they can enforce it (eg if they do the bulk of the childcare) but it is usually a trick abusers use to make you terrified.

jessjessjess Sun 16-Jun-13 01:25:24

OP, you are with an abusive man because of what your childhood taught you to accept. If you do not leave him and break the cycle, your daughter will probably marry someone like him. And on it will go.

You're doubting yourself because he's taken your confidence but you're not twisting things or overreacting. He is an abusive bully. You deserve better and so does your DD.

My mum didn't leave. You still can.

MissAliceBand Sun 16-Jun-13 22:42:02

Today was not a good day sad Bloody Hallmark have a lot to answer for.

MushroomSoup Sun 16-Jun-13 22:56:31

What's happened?

tightfortime Sun 16-Jun-13 23:03:53

Missaliceband, reading your posts made the lump in my throat I was so familiar with, come back.

A man does not have to threaten you, stand behind you, or glare at you to control you. He just has to be there...while you run around trying to make everything perfect for you while he does as he pleases, takes you for granted and rules the roost at home. All the time having the world think he is a great family man, a lovely guy, would't harm a fly.

A man who delights in upsetting plans to throw you, embarrass you, alienate you from others. All to 'keep the peace'.

All familiar, right? I didn't realise truly why I left him, I just knew I had to. Woke up one day, made a plan. Only afterwards, with family, friend and counselling support, could I see how he wore me down over years and years.

Yes, my daughter hates being from a broken home, she has changed schools, minder, friends etc.

She is also happy, confident, secure. Loves her dad and sees him a lot. Se still a good dad. Just a shit husband.

I did this for both of us. No more lump. I'm free and life is great. Imagine life without him around, without the egg shells and without the silent threats. Now go and live it xx

tightfortime Sun 16-Jun-13 23:04:57

Sorry for typos...but wishing you the strength you need to see what's happening here

MissAliceBand Sun 16-Jun-13 23:58:19

Oh the whole day was just a fuck up.

Got up early with DD - my turn and fathers day - H got up couple of hours later and was all OK.

Then a few hours later big 'fight' blew up because the kitchen was a mess. I was about to sort it to do lunch. He went off on one about how I never 'do anything etc etc blah blah'. I pointed out that all the stuff on the draining board was stuff I had washed. Did not go down well.

Then I may have said that if I was so awful he could just leave. And called him a nasty bully confused He said he won't leave and it's his house, so I said we would leave. Fine apparently, good lyck finding someone else who will put up with my shit (I mean really, are we 14 ffs)

Pointed out I don't need someone else and would be fine by myself. hmm Idiot. <-- That last bit was implied.

Went out for dinner with his parents, he sulked the whole way through, afterwards DD was being a bit stroppy, was late and she'd been excited to go out. She made to run off - but not really, she's not a runner - he grabbed her roughly and started having a go. His parents and I were all shock , DD in floods of tears.

By the time we got back to the car they were all 'she's tired, excuses excuses etc'. Then in the car on the way home he was furious, at one point drove at 120mph the stupid fucker (though did slow down when I told him to)

Then he started having a go at me because of the whole disciplining DD and how he always has to be the bad guy. I pointed out - calmly- that if neither his parents or I thought she was doing anything wrong then she probably wasn't and he just growled and ranted the whole way back.

When we got home DD was in tears, silent fucking tears, I told her she had done nothing wrong. And, for possibly the first time ever, I think he felt bad because he properly apologised to her when he thought I wasn't there.

So now he is sleeping downstairs - punishment for me grin HA!

And I am probably going to bring DD in with me in a bit because she likes that.

Shit, another essay... sorry blush

springytate Mon 17-Jun-13 00:33:20

oh dear God, this isn't a joke Alice

there's nothing funny about it. Nothing funny at all.

ffs wake up. Stop joking about it like it's a fucking game.

It's not a game for your daughter.

MumnGran Mon 17-Jun-13 01:41:47

Sorry Alice , I am with Springy all the way.
Your poor DD has a right to expect that her own mother will protect her from abuse ...... and she is being abused. Do you really want to see her posting here, in a decade or so, wondering why her mother stood by while she was damaged over and over again?

However ground down you may be, by his abuse of you, for pity's sake get your act together and do something about this miserable existence. There is a lot of help out there to enable you.

No-one else is going to come along and make life OK for your little girl.

GettingStrong Mon 17-Jun-13 06:49:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere Mon 17-Jun-13 07:02:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissStrawberry Mon 17-Jun-13 07:41:15

Your poor daughter sad.

Has it dawned on you yet the man you live with could have killed innocent people when he drove like a fucking idiot, could have killed your daughter when he drove like a prick, could have killed you when he drove like a maniac?

MrsCosmopilite Mon 17-Jun-13 10:23:01

I think this is far more serious than you're seeing it to be, Alice

He's rough with your daughter, verbally abusive, unkind, manipulative and bullying. As for the driving at 120 - fucking hell, as Strawberry has said, he could have killed you, your daughter, innocent people.....

You CAN leave. Call his bluff. Get to a refuge, go to stay with a friend. Hell, see if there is MN-er near you who can take you in for a few days. Leave before someone dies.

foolonthehill Mon 17-Jun-13 11:46:05

don;t hide, keep posting, make plans.

Phone women's aid 0808 2000 247.

I know it is hard.

Buzzardbird Mon 17-Jun-13 12:28:44

Seriously OP, your husband doesn't like you. He is only staying together because he knows it's going to cost him.

It is time to start protected your daughter now.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 17-Jun-13 15:10:23

I think it's about time you paid a visit to your local Cop Shop. Report the 120-mph speeding incident as well as him kicking the can at you etc etc. From what I understand (but probably up to you), they will arrange to see him, and if nothing else it might curb his disgusting behaviour towards you and your daughter whilst you get your head around leaving him. They should also give you a direct line in case you need assistance urgently.

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