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Help, advice please(122 Posts)
I can't really believe I am writing this, it may be a bit of a mind dump, so please bear with me.
I have upset my husband again, but I am not sure why he gets so annoyed, a lot of it might be in my head, or my fault, I am just so confused and even writing this is making me feel cold all over because once it is out there, it can't be unsaid, can it? And I suspect I am going to look like an idiot here.
I will go with this morning as an example, please do say if you think I was at fault because I am not sure, I am finding it really hard to get things straight in my head these days.
So we got up, H got breakfast for DD. I got her school stuff ready, uniform, lunch etc. Then I got some stuff together to wrap a parcel that needs returning and is being collected at some time today. I sat down on the living room floor to sort it - a process that would take a total of 5 mins as I had prepared everything last night.
H came in to the room and started to shout at me for not having done it the night before, he says I never finish anything I start. I said that I had prepared everything last night and that all I had to do was wrap it, which I continued to do.
Then he got more irate and said I was taking up all the room in the living room and that was the space he uses to dress DD (who can dress herself as an aside) and that he had to work, and that I wasn't even dressed and he supposed I expected him to take her to school. We had discussed that last night and we were both going to take her. He said that I always change my mind and I am impossible to live with. Oh and that I am still taking up all the room (it is not a small room btw).
So I moved back and gave him some more space and he continued to shout and swear at me. Then as he walked past me he kicked a can of drink in to me, it didn't hurt but it was deliberate. Then started getting DD dressed still mumbling and swearing that I never do anything and that he has work to do (he works from home) and that now he has to take DD to school.
I cried a bit - embarrassingly, he didn't hurt me or anything, I was just so frustrated. Then I went upstairs to get dressed so I could take DD to school, after 5 mins he sent her up so I could fix her hair and shouted up the stairs that he knew I wasn't bothering to take her but couldn't I at least watch her for 10 mins so he could work. I was dressed and ready to go at this point.
Then I took DD down to take her to school and he shouted at me for changing my mind again, he is fed up with me and he can't be bothered with 'this' any more.
I was going to go and get a coffee and sit in the library after I had dropped her off so he could relax and get on with his work but I thought he might be pissed off if I stayed out without telling him where I was/when I would be back so I came home. He is ignoring me now.
God reading that back it probably is my fault, I expect I am rather annoying. I am also shit with money which I know pisses him off but I struggle to change, I do try but I always fall back in to bad habits.
Gah! please help me figure out how to sort this out, otherwise he's going to be pissed off with me all day.
Please look at the definitions of abuse on the Woman's Aid website
Womens aid - urgently!
Seriously - I know you can't see it as you have been abused for so long you just don't see it anymore.
He is the worst kind of abuser.
Womens aid will be able to help you to realise this.
He is a vile man and the sooner you leave with your DD the better.
This is affecting her. She will grow up believing this is normal and something that she just has to put up with.
Do you want your daughter to marry a man like your husband and put up with what you do!??
Of course you don't so do this for her.
This is really bad abuse you are being subjected to and you need help with this.
DO NOT go to counselling with him!
He is abusive, to you and your DD.
Please phone Women's aid. It will be better for you and your DD to get away from him, they can help you.
No I would be horrified if she ever ended up feeling like me. I don't want her to be anything like me. I am a useless failure and a pita.
She is amazing, I want amazing things for her, she's so confident, clever, funny, kind she is an incredible little person.
Alice forget everything for a few minutes and just read back what you have written assuming this is happening to someone you know, say a friend or family member.
I hope this will help you see what everyone else does
You are not a useless failure neither are you a PITA.
You are a woman who despite using her brain to think through your every move, has discovered that she can never get it right, and because of this you doubt your every thought and move...thinking over and over again "if I had done it this way, would it have been ok?"
The answer is no...it will never be ok, you will never do the right thing for him because he doesn't even decide what the right thing is until he sees you doing something else!
You can't be yourself if you spend your life treading on eggshells
You can't trust yourself even to see what his behaviour is doing to you because he has warped your sense of self and what is reasonable through years of undermining and criticism........
You are not mad, he is out of order and he is emotionally abusing both you and your daughter.
Do not go to counseling with him!
What do you think about going to counselling on your own, for yourself?
I think it would help you feel stronger and better about yourself, and then you would be in a better position to cope with leaving, if that's what you want to do.
If you don't want your DD to feel like you, then you need to get her away from this environment.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html This is a website that might describe some of what you are feeling/experiencing.
I also suggest that you get hold of Lundy bancroft "Why Does He do That?" Here
Seeing what he is doing is a painful process so don;t be surprised if you feel the urge to run for cover...but I think you are ready to "see" what is happening you said" ^even writing this is making me feel cold all over because once it is out there, it can't be unsaid, can it?^" and that is true...but it is a good thing to see the truth, it really can set you free.
Please listen. I did not realise how bad my situation was and when I did I was utterly terrified to do anything about it. I did not have anybody to turn to, to help, the result is that my daughter has a very skewed idea about relationships and has very low self esteem
The repurcussions will last forever and I can only blame myself.
I would happily go to counselling by myself but not sure how to access it. I do suffer from anxiety, which I never used to, I used to be quite extroverted and have a lot of friends. Now I am mostly alone
plays tiny violins for self
I have tried to get GP to refer me to a counsellor before but have got nowhere, I think the service is very oversubscribed here.
And all the stuff with H seems so trivial really. He is better than he used to be in many ways. We have been together well over a decade, at one point he used to dump me out of the car a leave me if we got into a fight (now that was mortifying getting someone to pick me up ) so he's really gotten a lot better and less mean.
He shouts at your 5yo for singing! He doesn't love her, he shouts at her and shouts at her mother. Just because he feels like it.
You're not winding him up, he's deliberately pulling the carpet out from under your feet constantly.
She's standing up for you - and getting shouted at and you're getting shouted at more because of it - you need to stop this and get yourself and your DD out.
Alarm bells ringing here. Yes at the moment it is verbal abuse but how long before it escalates?
The fact that he is so charming to everyone else is also worrying. So the nicer he is is public, the more unreasonable you will sound, and the more you'll doubt yourself.
He needs to find a way to control his anger, so that you can resolve this. If you can't resolve it, then you need to reconsider your situation.
Do you work? Do you have access to your own money?
Your local women's aid might be able to suggest counselling services you could access, if the GP takes too long.
Better? He's got better ?
You didn't answer me when I asked you why you feel sorry for him
Contact British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy - BACP - look for a therapist in your area by clicking 2nd down, I think, on the right hand side list. Look at what each therapist offers, choose a handful you'd like to explore more. Call them and ask their rates. If you are short of money (as you have a rich husband and all .........) you can ask if they offer reduced rates. the answer is yes or no, they are not offended to be asked. This should get the ball rolling for you.
BUT the Freedom Programme is free and available near you, probably.
Back in the day, women had nothing. They and their poor children were stuck in their appalling relationships with not a jot of help or support or legal protection. These days there's a LOT out there. eg Freedom Programme, Womens Aid, books a-plenty, counselling. It's your choice, Alice.
Don't go for counselling with him. He will be charm itself and the counsellor will think what a sweet, poor man he is.
How do I know this do you think?
This link will take you to the page where you can search for a local Freedom Programme. You can also do it online but the input you get by being in a group is worth it if you can...this is one way of gaining understanding and validating what you are experiencing.
individual counselling would also be good BUT you would have to pay for it, and you need to research someone who is aware of the issues around controlling and angry men (not all counsellors are good counsellors). GP accessed counselling is likely to be intervention focussed (CBT etc) so would give you strategies for managing the anxiety...but not necessarily insight into why you are anxious (because you are being told you are wrong all the time and the "rules" keep changing).
You may well find that once you understand the anxiety is caused by the eternal shifting sand under your feet...and deal with the cause, it would recede anyway...and you would be able to find the person who was "quite extroverted and have a lot of friends". She is still in there...she's just been squashed.
By the way...he's not got a lot better and less mean...he's got less dramatic and just as mean...because everyone would eventually wake up and realise that being dumped at the roadside was unacceptable, whatever the argument...It takes longer to realise that undermining you in front of your DD, cutting off your friends and freedom and squashing your personality is abuse too.
Are you looking at the links people are posting on here Alice?
I don't want to judge you over the internet but the way you write and the phases and language you use sound very much like a victim. You sound guilty, as if you are responsible for your dh's moods and actions.
Please take some action now - loads of brilliant practical advice on this thread - this is not a healthy road you are on.
counselling for YOU right now. urgently.
call womens aid and talk thru this morning 's incidents with them - they will understand, they wont think it's trivial. kickin can at you - it's violent and aggessive. a warning move... annoy me more and it will be worse...but it is his behaviour that is wrong. you cannot make someone happy, you dont make them shout etc he chooses to..
he is a nasty bully - but like typical abusive person is also charming and nice espec to others.
he is not as mean as before? he doesnt need to be because you know just how bad he can be...
get ifnormed on your rights,
start a plan for you and dd future
so sorry to hear he is behaving like that to you. No wonder you have anxiety issues. He is being really nasty.
fwiw my xp was similar in some ways, and I had cbt to learn to assert myself, that did not go down well at all. I thought I had AADD and pms and being a general idiot, as I seemed to mess most things up. Now he's gone, surprise: none of that.
Please click on the links, your partner is a nasty man.
Alice, it had no impact on him whether the parcel got wrapped the night before or whether it got wrapped in the morning. It had no impact on him the parcel getting wrapped in the living room.
Your husband, the father of your child, decided that he needed a reason to shout and he used the parcel wrapping as his excuse.
From the sound of it, he is doing this all the time.
He really really is an abusive arse!
Just to break this down MissAlice
YOU are responsible for your actions, your words and your choices...
no matter what you do or have done HE is responsible for HIS actions (kicking the can, dumping out of the car), his words (shout at me for not having done it the night before, he says I never finish anything I start, he got more irate and said I was taking up all the room, still mumbling and swearing that I never do anything) and his choices.
Did it occur to you that he got all the gains out of this morning?...you wrapped the parcel, you took DD to school (even though he had previously agreed you were both doing it) AND you did not go for a coffee but returned home thus showing that he has all the power in your relationship.
Bet you are still upset...and he is relaxed and "working" in his home office
Why do I feel sorry for him? I suppose it's because I know him, I know he is unhappy and I know that he probably isn't that fond of himself. I am a sucker for unhappiness in others - I know, lame - it makes me feel itchy and uncomfortable.
I also know that he isn't a completely horrible person, he does have a lot of good traits. And even though he is often horrid to me, it seems awful to write him off completely.
I must sound ridiculous, but I have a multitude of bad points, I wouldn't want to be judged only on those, so I struggle to judge others on theirs.
Like I say, I am not known for making all the sense in the world
Next time he's shouting and swearing at you, secretly record him on your phone. Then, out of the house, play it back to yourself. How would that bullying treatment make ANY person feel, day after day after day, for a decade? If you feel able, play it to a close friend or a family member, or someone at Women's Aid. Ask them if they think it's all your fault. I guarantee they will be horrified.
Of course we all have bad points. But it IS fair to judge other people on their behaviour.
You may not want to judge him for being unhappy, but you certainly can judge him for lashing out at you.
You say you have bad points but do you yell and throw things at your family? No.
The more you post, the more I think you really do need some help to recover your self-esteem. You will really struggle with getting away from him as long as you think it's all your fault and it's not right to judge him.
He has gone out now, before he left he was completely normal and nice to me.
So I may have overreacted a little this morning
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