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Help, advice please

(122 Posts)
MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 09:40:35

I can't really believe I am writing this, it may be a bit of a mind dump, so please bear with me.

I have upset my husband again, but I am not sure why he gets so annoyed, a lot of it might be in my head, or my fault, I am just so confused and even writing this is making me feel cold all over because once it is out there, it can't be unsaid, can it? And I suspect I am going to look like an idiot here.

I will go with this morning as an example, please do say if you think I was at fault because I am not sure, I am finding it really hard to get things straight in my head these days.

So we got up, H got breakfast for DD. I got her school stuff ready, uniform, lunch etc. Then I got some stuff together to wrap a parcel that needs returning and is being collected at some time today. I sat down on the living room floor to sort it - a process that would take a total of 5 mins as I had prepared everything last night.

H came in to the room and started to shout at me for not having done it the night before, he says I never finish anything I start. I said that I had prepared everything last night and that all I had to do was wrap it, which I continued to do.

Then he got more irate and said I was taking up all the room in the living room and that was the space he uses to dress DD (who can dress herself as an aside) and that he had to work, and that I wasn't even dressed and he supposed I expected him to take her to school. We had discussed that last night and we were both going to take her. He said that I always change my mind and I am impossible to live with. Oh and that I am still taking up all the room (it is not a small room btw).

So I moved back and gave him some more space and he continued to shout and swear at me. Then as he walked past me he kicked a can of drink in to me, it didn't hurt but it was deliberate. Then started getting DD dressed still mumbling and swearing that I never do anything and that he has work to do (he works from home) and that now he has to take DD to school.

I cried a bit - embarrassingly, he didn't hurt me or anything, I was just so frustrated. Then I went upstairs to get dressed so I could take DD to school, after 5 mins he sent her up so I could fix her hair and shouted up the stairs that he knew I wasn't bothering to take her but couldn't I at least watch her for 10 mins so he could work. I was dressed and ready to go at this point.

Then I took DD down to take her to school and he shouted at me for changing my mind again, he is fed up with me and he can't be bothered with 'this' any more.

I was going to go and get a coffee and sit in the library after I had dropped her off so he could relax and get on with his work but I thought he might be pissed off if I stayed out without telling him where I was/when I would be back so I came home. He is ignoring me now.

God reading that back it probably is my fault, I expect I am rather annoying. I am also shit with money which I know pisses him off but I struggle to change, I do try but I always fall back in to bad habits.

Gah! please help me figure out how to sort this out, otherwise he's going to be pissed off with me all day.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 13-Jun-13 09:44:04

He's at fault not you.

Abusive arse.

beachyhead Thu 13-Jun-13 09:46:40

Why is he so Angry?

I'd stay out all day if I were you....

I might stay out all year....

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 09:54:28

YOur husband is an abusive shit. Bully, bully, BULLY angry

What is most telling is your confusion 'these days'. HOw long has he been bullying you and picking on you? HOw does that relate to how confused you've been getting?

You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse btw. I was never hit but the emotional, psychological, financial abuse was unbelievably bad. Not verbal abuse - verbal silence was how he did it.

But you're getting verbal abuse, then silent abuse. He is completely unpredictable, you don't know when (or why) he's going to have a go. You couldn't do what you wanted this morning - go to the library, chill out - because he'd have something to say about it, something to bully you about. Whatever you do, you can't predict whether he's going to have a go or not. None of it has any rhyme or reason.

What is also upsetting is that your daughter is witnessing all this. To be a witness to abuse is to be a victim of abuse sad

myroomisatip Thu 13-Jun-13 09:54:47

Wow he is some nasty piece of work. You were not at fault. It seems a case of you just cant win with him.

I also would be off out for the rest of the day, seeing a solicitor about a divorce!

MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 09:58:03

I don't know why he is so angry. He is not like this around other people, only DD and I.

And we seem to wind him up. I am crap with money and I mumble and spend too much time on the PC.

She doesn't listen and does things he has told her not to - but she's only 5 so I think that is normal.

He also gets really really annoyed when he tells her off and I don't back him up. He often shouts at her for singing in the car because it's annoying (granted it is, think one line over and over) but I don't agree with reprimanding her for that, she loves to sing and I want her to enjoy it so I stay quiet.

I guess I can see how that could piss him off though.

tallwivglasses Thu 13-Jun-13 10:00:29

He's treating you worse than a dog. This is terrible for you and dd. Would you consider leaving him?

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 10:03:22

Attending the Freedom Programme would open your eyes and help you to see what is going on in your marriage. to find a group near you, click the 'search' button in the middle of the page. You'll meet a lot of women in a similar position to you.

Please don't pull back and say 'he's not that bad, we have some good times'. He really is bad Alice . If you can't do someting about it for you, please do something about it for your daughter.

(oh and btw, don't tell him what you're doing or try to discuss what you learn. He won't want to hear it and will bully you more. Or abuse you more, I should say)

MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 10:07:19

I am considering it more and more tbh because I am not very happy.

BUT the idea of it fills me with horror because I don't think he would let me take DD, or leave the house. His parents are wealthy and would support him with good lawyers etc, I would be fucked on that score.

And generally he's really nice, everyone always says how charming he is and how lucky I am. Noone has ever seen him pissed off with me. I would have to do it all alone and that terrifies me.

Lots of things scare me, they never used to sad

MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 10:09:45

I actually feel a bit sick about this thread in case someone sees it.

It's all so embarrassing, I am such a twat.

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 10:15:55

My ex had a team of central london lawyers, I represented myself. I won.

Does he have a gun? ie does he stop you leaving the house with a gun? If not, they are your legs, you can walk at any stage - or stay in the library if you so choose. Or see a lawyer.

You've got him 24/7 because he's in the house! His little kingdom, with his little subjects he bullies and terrorises and terrifies - with shouting and unpredictability, so you don't know if you're coming or going. Though nobody else sees it because he's careful about that. Mr Wonderful to everyone else.

I tell you, Alice , abusers follow a script. This is a classic script of an abuser. Please get along to the Freedom Programme at your earliest.

mistlethrush Thu 13-Jun-13 10:16:33

Alice - he's undermined your own self so much that you are feeling like this - you don't know which way is up because sometimes he says one way and shouts at you for thinking the other - then shouts at you for going along with him because clearly the other is right. If you'd done the parcel last night you'd have been shouted at. If you had refused to take DD you would have been shouted at. You can't win with an H like this - and yes, of course it is all hidden in your house and he looks to be superdad and super husband, all the while making your life hell and making you walk on egg shells.

He works from home - well could he actually look after DD at the same time? Looking after a DD doesn't help with work. Are you a SAHM? Are you the primary carer at the moment?

dreamingbohemian Thu 13-Jun-13 10:18:07

You are NOT a twat. Your husband is a bully and an arse.

For the sake of argument -- let's say you do have all these annoying traits. I really doubt you do, but let's say you did. Even then his behaviour would be completely unacceptable. If he finds you so annoying, he should talk to you about it, and if nothing changes and he's really that unhappy, then he should talk about splitting up.

There is never any excuse for his behaviour, whether you are a perfect angel or the most annoying woman in the world.

It will be very damaging for your DD to experience this. If you are thinking about leaving, maybe you could go for a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor, and find out your rights and how it would work. At least you should have all the facts while you're thinking about this.

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 10:18:32

If you are a twat, then so am (was) I. It's not us who are twats - or pathetic little inadequates that get off on terrorising women and children.

YouStayClassySanDiego Thu 13-Jun-13 10:27:42

He's a twat and you don't have to put up with this and neither should your dd.

He's a bully who has ground you down, take comfort from Mumsnet and start to plan for your future without him.

lemonstartree Thu 13-Jun-13 10:32:37

what a HORRIBLE man. Nasty spiteful abusive bully.

you sound lovely; scared and confused, but lovely. He does not deserve you or your DD. Please make plans to get out...

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 10:34:01

No-one would recognise it's 'you' from the details you have posted. How many families have one daughter whose husband works from home? Rather a lot, I should imagine (as in thousands) so you can't be recognised from the details you have posted.

btw, do you know how to clear your internet history so he doens't snoop on what you're doing? Does he know your passwords? If so, change them.

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 10:41:57

btw I won the court case because the law was on my side, not because I'm a shit-hot would-be lawyer. I had to represent myself because I had no money.

When you see a lawyer, you should get the first consultation free. If your husband is loaded, you would get a settlement. Out of that you can pay your legal fees. As the law has changed re family law, lawyers will be prepared to wait for payment; esp as it's a dead cert as in your case.

However.... if he is self-employed, he could make monies vanish (as mine did) . It might be an idea to do some snooping now and collect evidence of what he is worth. Photocopy what you can, keep it somewhere safe - preferably out of the house.

MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 10:42:50

I have used my laptop (history cleared) and now my phone.

I am just so bewildered by the whole thing. If we did split up I wouldn't want to ruin his relationship with DD, he really loves her. I would want it to be amicable and share custody as much as possible.

I worry that he would take it as a personal slight though and make things really difficult. He already accuses me of using her against him - she tries to defend me (Jesus, I am a shit mum aren't I) and he blames me for that because I have pretty good self control, so if we are fighting around her I don't raise my voice or swear etc because I don't want her to worry etc.

Then he accuses me of deliberately winding him up to make him look bad in front of her. I swear I am not, I hate loud shouting fights they upset me, that's all.

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 10:49:29

If he really loved her he wouldn't treat her mother like shite. He is not a good father.

Of course he's going to take it personally and of course he will try to make things really difficult. he doesn't tolerate you being a separate human beings with basic choices, so he won't take well to you leaving him (how dare you! without his permission!). Which is why you must be prepared and do your ground work now re paperwork.

Neither is he a good man. The way he terrorises and abuses you is the way he will terrorise and abuse your daughter. Shared custody would be a lovely idea but imo it's not going to work in this situation.

Why do you feel sorry for him Alice?

myroomisatip Thu 13-Jun-13 10:53:57

Please get in touch with Womens Aid. Sometimes it takes a few attempts but it will be well worthwhile.

Your husband is being abusive. I understand you may not see how badly, because I have been there and been through it and I know what it is to doubt oneself.

Also keep a record of his abuse and get as much information as you can and copies of bank statements etc etc

Good luck. And you are not alone, you will get some amazing support here.

everythinghippie29 Thu 13-Jun-13 10:59:05

This thread makes me so sad, you can see the damage done to your self esteem in every word you type.

You sound like a fabulous mother, trying to keep your daughter from seeing you retaliate to this sort of bullying, antagonistic behaviour and not allowing yourself to be inappropriately frustrated at her.

It reads like he has beat you down with constant character assassination and as mentioned above, even if you were the MOST annoying person in the world ( which from you descriptions of your behaviour couldn't sound further from the truth) you still deserve better than this.

There is little point continuing if you are both unhappy but I realise it is scary and difficult to walk away from what you know into an uncertain future. Only you know if your relationship has reached a point beyond repair/ how far your husband would go to fix it if he could see how his behaviour is affecting both you and your DD.

I wish you all the luck in the world, however you wish to go ahead and know that you are a much better woman and mother than your husband is making you feel. thanks xxx

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 11:02:08

Womens Aid - tel 0808 2000 247. The lines are busy during the day, better to call at night (somehow! But he's with you 24/7 anyway...)

OR email them this thread?

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 11:04:26

you are both unhappy

he's not unhappy! He's perfectly happy. This is how he wants it, you beaten down and confused.

MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 11:12:12

I actually don't think he is happy. I would love to be able to help him, and used to believe that I could but I am slowly coming to the realisation that there is nothing I can do. And in fact I am probably making him more unhappy just by being around, he clearly doesn't like me, even if he does love me which he insists he does.

I am not sure about Womens Aid. He hasn't really done anything to me that I haven't deserved for winding him up.

Maybe councelling, though I am not sure how I could convince him. He is really private and gets cross if I even so much as mention details of our relationship to anyone else.
It's all such a mess sad

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