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So my mother punched my daughter.....

(54 Posts)
meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 07:46:08

Long back story, Mum has always been manipulative and controlling,uses emotional blackmail and guilt trips.

she has an opinion on everything and has no qualms pushing it on other people, she also holds grudges and has managed to alienate all of her friends and family except her own 3 kids (we all sing from the same hymn sheet with regards to her and limit contact to what we find bearable/refuse to play her games)

Since my dad died (14 years ago now) she has become much worse, very negative and bitter, is depressing to be around to be honest, expects her family to step in and be her companions, which none of us can do. (she is not clinically depressed), but I think she expected the family to pander to her, take her on holiday,days out, constantly visit etc, which none of us are willing to do as its always about her and what she wants, if you try to do anything you like or want, she sulks, causes an atmosphere and generally will sabotage the holiday (we tried the first few years after dad died).

Anyway to cut to the chase. My daughter is 23, she's a pretty confident young woman who quickly realised how her nana behaved and would put her foot down and not accept the emotional blackmail and guilt tripping etc. mum found this hard to accept. there are many incidences of them having rows and not talking to each other for days, usually because if my daughter challenges her bulllshit, mum storms off in a strop (honesty its like listening to a 13 year old argue, she is so emotionally immature, you cannot have a adult discussion with her at all, she takes everything personally). but my DD underneath it all does love her nana, she was lovely with her when she was little (when nana still had the control.)

my DD had earnt a bonus at work had it confirmed via email and she had bought festival tickets with it , the day before she was due the bonus,boss withdrew it (for no reason). this has left her skint this month and upset her a lot (because it was unjust).

nana comes to pick her up from work and asks her is she looking forward to the festival. DD replies, not as much as I was because I,m a bit skint now, at this point my mum in a real nasty sneering voice says.
"well its your own fault for spending money before you had even got it, what do you expect".
My DD knows this, there was no need for her nana to rub it in with such venom . So DD turns round and says.
That wasnt very nice nana, you know how upset I was about the bonus and there was no need to be so mean.

This opened the floodgates, with my mum screaming at her in the car, accusing my DD of having an attitude (because she dared to challenge her nasty remark) ranting on about all she had done for her, how she was ungrateful, how she was going to sell her home and move abroad because no one cared, how she could be dead and no one would know, that she was going to leave her house to the dogs trust, just random ravings that were unrelated to the comment. DD could not get a word in edgeways during this tirade, as she would shut her down by saying she couldnt talk as she was driving and that DD would cause a crash if she distracted her.

DD turns round as says "stop the car please nana, I cant talk rationally with you when you are like this and I will walk home" At this point my Mum lashes out and punches her in the face, it took a lot of control on DD,s part not to hit her back.

DD then got angry, tells her nana that if she ever laid a finger on her again she would have no hesitation in future in hitting back. that she has serious emotional problems and should go get counselling and that as far as she was concerned, she no longer had a nana.

So where do we go from here.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 13-Jun-13 11:38:50

If your DD was punched in the face she likely has bruising or even damage to her nose or cheekbones. How will she explain such injuries to others?. By saying that she walked into a door or fell over.

I have seen at first hand other well meaning but useless relative minimising, enabling or excusing such behaviours and it only makes the disordered person act worse.

This cannot be ignored by your DD no matter how much she wants to ignore it. Why else not want to report it, what are her reasons for not reporting it?.

And yes you have normalised this by also allowing any sort of relationship with your toxic mother. I can only assume that you permitted this because you hoped that your mother would have behaved differently with her in her own childhood than she did with yourself.

Andro Thu 13-Jun-13 11:50:18

What a nasty situation OP! All you can do is back your DD completely, including wrt whether or not she wants to involve the police. I can understand why some people are trying to push you into involving the law (and I can't disagree with their reasoning), but I don't think going over your DD's head is the right course of action...and haranguing her until she gives in would be bullying and detrimental to your relationship with your DD.

Perhaps a compromise would be to tell your DD that you would prefer her to report the incident, but would accept a promise that if your mother lays a hand on her again (unlikely if she's NC but not impossible) she will report it at once.

JacqueslePeacock Thu 13-Jun-13 14:13:58

Your mother sounds so incredibly, unnervingly like mine. I really think there is nothing you can do but cut her out. You already have limited contact (and it's great that you and your siblings see eye-to-eye on that - sadly not the case with mine) but I think even that is too much.

I think your DD is exactly right that she no longer has a nana. If she doesn't want to report it to the police, that's her choice as an adult, but she should follow through with her statement to your mother that she doesn't want anything more to do with her. I actually think that this will have a greater impact on your mother even than the police would have, as it's cutting off her supply of attention and drama.

I am very glad that my mother has almost no contact with my DC. I have agonised over it for a long time, and occasionally still feel guilty, but it's hearing things like this (oh so familiar from my own relationship with my mother) that confirm to me I'm doing the right thing. It is hard, though.

Mother2many Thu 13-Jun-13 17:47:07

OP: Just because she is your mom, does not mean she should be allowed to treat your DD that way, no matter how old her she!

Neither of you should feel guilty for not wanting to be a part of her life. It isn't healthy. It isn't a way to live your live with a family member...not sure when they will snap.

Stand by your DD. Even if she doesn't call the police. Don't call mom and chit chat... it isn't worth the emotional heartbreak one feels, and tries to hide...

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