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So my mother punched my daughter.....

(54 Posts)
meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 07:46:08

Long back story, Mum has always been manipulative and controlling,uses emotional blackmail and guilt trips.

she has an opinion on everything and has no qualms pushing it on other people, she also holds grudges and has managed to alienate all of her friends and family except her own 3 kids (we all sing from the same hymn sheet with regards to her and limit contact to what we find bearable/refuse to play her games)

Since my dad died (14 years ago now) she has become much worse, very negative and bitter, is depressing to be around to be honest, expects her family to step in and be her companions, which none of us can do. (she is not clinically depressed), but I think she expected the family to pander to her, take her on holiday,days out, constantly visit etc, which none of us are willing to do as its always about her and what she wants, if you try to do anything you like or want, she sulks, causes an atmosphere and generally will sabotage the holiday (we tried the first few years after dad died).

Anyway to cut to the chase. My daughter is 23, she's a pretty confident young woman who quickly realised how her nana behaved and would put her foot down and not accept the emotional blackmail and guilt tripping etc. mum found this hard to accept. there are many incidences of them having rows and not talking to each other for days, usually because if my daughter challenges her bulllshit, mum storms off in a strop (honesty its like listening to a 13 year old argue, she is so emotionally immature, you cannot have a adult discussion with her at all, she takes everything personally). but my DD underneath it all does love her nana, she was lovely with her when she was little (when nana still had the control.)

my DD had earnt a bonus at work had it confirmed via email and she had bought festival tickets with it , the day before she was due the bonus,boss withdrew it (for no reason). this has left her skint this month and upset her a lot (because it was unjust).

nana comes to pick her up from work and asks her is she looking forward to the festival. DD replies, not as much as I was because I,m a bit skint now, at this point my mum in a real nasty sneering voice says.
"well its your own fault for spending money before you had even got it, what do you expect".
My DD knows this, there was no need for her nana to rub it in with such venom . So DD turns round and says.
That wasnt very nice nana, you know how upset I was about the bonus and there was no need to be so mean.

This opened the floodgates, with my mum screaming at her in the car, accusing my DD of having an attitude (because she dared to challenge her nasty remark) ranting on about all she had done for her, how she was ungrateful, how she was going to sell her home and move abroad because no one cared, how she could be dead and no one would know, that she was going to leave her house to the dogs trust, just random ravings that were unrelated to the comment. DD could not get a word in edgeways during this tirade, as she would shut her down by saying she couldnt talk as she was driving and that DD would cause a crash if she distracted her.

DD turns round as says "stop the car please nana, I cant talk rationally with you when you are like this and I will walk home" At this point my Mum lashes out and punches her in the face, it took a lot of control on DD,s part not to hit her back.

DD then got angry, tells her nana that if she ever laid a finger on her again she would have no hesitation in future in hitting back. that she has serious emotional problems and should go get counselling and that as far as she was concerned, she no longer had a nana.

So where do we go from here.

TweenageAngst Thu 13-Jun-13 07:49:14

The Police. She was assaulted. I am really sorry I hope your DD is OK

ModreB Thu 13-Jun-13 07:51:29

Police. I'm sorry, but is someone walking down the street punched your DD you would ring the police and report it. Why should any member of the family be treated differently.

I am very sorry.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 13-Jun-13 07:53:32

I agree. I would contact the police.

At the very least, I would cut her out. I don't think there is anywhere to go from here. She assaulted her granddaughter. Where is there to go from there?

You have to be wholly on your daughter's side here. You know that, don't you?

meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 07:54:38

I am totally on my Daughters side here and the police was my first suggestion, but DD doesnt want to go down that road.

Sheshelob Thu 13-Jun-13 07:55:39

Police. And then maybe they can get her seen by mental health professionals. She sounds like she has a personality disorder.

It's awful having a parent like this. I think you should seriously consider cutting off ties completely. I promise you - it will transform your life.

DefiniteMaybe Thu 13-Jun-13 07:56:38

I would also get your daughter to contact the police.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 13-Jun-13 07:57:34

Your poor dd sad how is she now?
You need to cut you're mum out and tell her in no uncertain terms her behaviour was totally unacceptable

meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 08:01:27

problem is I live around the corner from mum. avoiding her is going to be tough. TBH I could happily cut contact with my mother, but DD says she doesnt see why I should have to as this argument was between them and that nana is still my mother and that it would cause issues within the family if I cut mum out (big family wedding coming up etc)
I am livid with mum, fortunately she is not talking to me either at the moment because I,m DD's mother and therefore partly responsible for allowing DD to "talk to her like that" laughable isnt it she is already trying to justify herself.

2cats2many Thu 13-Jun-13 08:02:28

In your situation, I wouldn't go to the police. I don't see what the would achieve except for give you a whole other load of shit to deal with.

You have to completely support your daughter in her decision to cut your mum out of her life. If I were you, I'd also seriously think about cutting her out of my life too until she got some professional help for her issues. Its tough tho'. Life just isn't that cut and dried.

meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 08:03:50

DD is fine now, she was really shaken and upset when she came home last night, so we had a girly night with cheesy rom coms and ben and jerry's :D

We are used to dealing with mum and manage her fine normally, but she just upped the anti yesterday

Potteresque97 Thu 13-Jun-13 08:06:46

Your DD handled it amazingly well, good for her! I think it's clear where you go from here: nowhere - deprive nana of the drama - tell her she needs mental health help and to go to the doctor. Personally, I can see DD's point, i'd want to put it behind me and not get involved in a court case.

meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 08:08:00

I have known for years that she needs counselling etc but theres absolutely no way she would ever go for it, as nothing is ever her fault anyway. its everyone else who is the problem.

I support my daughter 100% Mum isnt stepping a foot over my door while my daughter is in this house. But I think if I do that she will cut me out anyway, so I suppose its a win win on that front.

paintyourbox Thu 13-Jun-13 08:08:55

I think it has to be the police- if the shoe was on the other foot and DD had punched your mother then I am sure your mum would be calling the police to tell them how her "terrible grand daughter assaulted an old lady"

Your mums behaviour is totally unacceptable, she sounds like a really toxic influence and you need to decide if you want that sort of negativity in your life.

It sounds like most of the family already know what she is like anyway so just do your best to avoid her at the wedding.

Hope your DD enjoys her festival.

MumnGran Thu 13-Jun-13 08:11:12

So where do we go from here

You go No Contact!!! unless you are not supporting your DDs position.

cornypedicure Thu 13-Jun-13 08:12:39

Why would you want to have anything more to do with this woman after what she's done anyway?
Do you have siblings?

meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 08:12:48

Thanks for the replies, it just helps getting it out there. I know what I have to do. its just dealing with the fallout after isn't it.

Whocansay Thu 13-Jun-13 08:18:04

If that's what happened, I would call the police.

I don't think your daughter's story rings true though. It sounds like you have a clash of narcs going on to me.

meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 08:18:43

have to go for a bit. need to take DD to the coach station. but i do appreciate your replies. You pretty much confirmed what I knew I had to do anyway

Blu Thu 13-Jun-13 08:23:34

I would tell your mother that her behaviour was dangerous and illegal, and that she could be charged with assault.
That you will not tolerate anyone in your family being subjected to violence, that how she perceives herself to have been spoken to is irrelevant becuse however she was or was not spoken to, she is responsible for her own behaviour and hitting people is a criminal act.

Also hitting someone while driving is a dangerous act and she could have caused a crash and killed someone.

She clearly thinks she holds all the cards and has power, so I would tell her that you don't need her in your life, you have communication with her because she is your mother, family, and want her in your life. but her threats to cut you off etc mean nothing to you because if that is what she wants to do, she is very welcome. Call her bluff on her own importance.

Then stick to it. Tell her you will look forward to hearing that she has apologised to your dd, and then be calm, polite and 'normal' in your communication. Every time she 'starts', stop the conversation and say 'I won't take part in any conversation based on insults or accusations' and walk away or put the phone down.

Pagwatch Thu 13-Jun-13 08:24:13

To be honest I think you need to let go of the whole 'but the fallout...' angle.
The fact that everyone continues to observe normal rules of polite interaction in spite of your mothers outlandish behaviour is (in her head) normalising it.
The fact that after this incident she thinks your daughters attitude is the problem speaks to that.

You honestly do need to step back and recognise that whilst you are fab and trying to do the right thing, you have taught your DD to put up with such terrible behaviour.

It really really is a no brainier. The idea of sitting your DD next to your mother at a family gathering should upset and anger you so much that the fallout should be a minor distraction.

SixPackWellies Thu 13-Jun-13 08:24:51

I understand your worry about dealing with the fallout, but if anyone says anything, or your mum says anything, then you just repeat ad nauseum 'She punched my daughter. '. And leave it at that.

I think your mother is disturbed.

Blu Thu 13-Jun-13 08:24:52

Personally I would not go to the police unless your dd is in support of that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 13-Jun-13 08:32:56

I would urge your DD to contact the Police. Why does she not want to pursue this course of action?. Out of fear of potentially "embarrassing" you, herself, her nan?.

I have seen at first hand what people covering up other dysfunctional relations can do (often out of "good intentions"); it makes things far worse.

This woman likely has some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder. Covering this up actually does not do anyone here any favours at all. If your mother had hit anyone else they would have reported her for assault.

TSSDNCOP Thu 13-Jun-13 08:35:31

If a person hurt one hair on my DCs head they would be excised immediately. There isn't a wedding, christening or bar mitzvah that would influence that action.

Your mother clearly needs professional help that she is unwilling or unable to acknowledge, but that's secondary now to ensuring your child is kept safe from her.

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