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to feel miffed at friend with new baby

(177 Posts)
DonnaHayward Thu 13-Jun-13 00:18:57

I have namechanged (even though I'm not a prolific poster) because I know AIBU, and I'm ashamed to be feeling this way. I'm hoping MN can talk a bit of sense into me. Apologies for long post.

My BF and I have known each other since school, been close for 15 years, she's one of my favourite people in the world. We've supported each other through a lot of things. She had her first baby, a little boy, in Sept. I am afraid I've started to feel resentful about how our relationship has changed since her DS was born blush.

In the first few months, I was totally sympathetic to how much her life had changed, and tried to be both supportive and unobtrusive. Went to visit when invited, trying to make sure she knew I was always available with practical help without being demanding of her time etc., and completely happy to fit everything around her and her new DS. My problem is, I still feel like this is expected 9 months on, and I'm starting to get a bit fed up.

Her DS has routine which means she can't do anything after 6pm, including having people other than her and her DH in the house (as it is their family bonding time). I think this it lovely that they prioritise this, but must admit that it rules out almost all social activity, and is getting on my nerves now DS is 9 months old and not a tiny baby. My only opportunity to see them is weekend afternoons (I work FT), and with weekends being busy for both of us this means I've only seen her half a dozen times since DS arrived, always in or around their home.

I totally know, in this stage of her life, DS and DH come first, but I think what's upset me enough to post here is birthday plans. We are both 30 this year, and idly chatted lots in our 20s about having a big joint event. Obviously that couldn't happen in the way we'd fantasised when younger. She was unable to come to my birthday meal last month, as she can't be apart from DS in the evenings. Hers is in August, and plan is for a group of friends to get together in the park so 'we can all spend time with DS'.

Childish bit now - I want to say 'I'm not that fussed about time with DS, I want to hang out with you!'. I've been through a fair bit in the last 9 months (made redundant, splitting up with LTP), and I've really missed her - both as support and as someone to have fun with.

So... I know I'm being unreasonable, but as I don't have children, hoping you can show me some things from a parent's perspective, and help me to stop resenting a 9 month old baby blush

gertrudestein Sun 16-Jun-13 00:05:38

This happened with a friend of mine 5 years ag. Her first dd was (and still is) a difficult child, but I think it's also because my friend was the first in our group to have children that we all assumed that was the way it had to be, and tried to accommodate her as much as possible.

It's only now that we have all started to have kids that we realise 1. You don't have to stop socialising when you have children (although some people's kids have much higher needs than others, and some parents also have a harder time) and 2. Our friend is in fact socialising - just not with us. She made lots of new mum friends who for various reasons she prefers to spend time with.

Looking back, after 5 yrs, I wish we had let her know more at the time that we were upset when she didn't come to birthdays etc. We tried to arrange things we thought she would be able to come to - venues near her house, day time events ...- but it didn't make any difference. I wish I had told her outright that I missed her and asked her what it would take to see her regularly, instead of avoiding the subject because I didn't want to put any pressure on her. As it is, we have now drifted apart so far that we don't have much in common anymore. We have got into a pattern where she only talks about her problems and has no idea what's going on in my life or the rest of our group of friends. None of us have had an easy time over the last 5 yrs, but somehow we let this one friend become distant and isolated because we didn't want to offend her.

If I was in your position OP I would be honest with her. Don't feel bad about making her feel bad, or questioning the commitment she has to make to her ds and dp. Friendships are relationships too, and they need nurturing and honesty as much as any others

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 03:06:10

Talk to her about how you feel.

She's understandably preoccupied and just because baby is 9 months old it doesn't mean she is free to do as she wants - baby's separation anxiety or teething could mean she actually might be having sleepless nights or a lot of trouble settling baby.

But your feelings are important too, and I bet she has no idea how you really feel.
So again, talk to her. Tell her that you miss her. I'm sure you two can come up with a good solution.

(And whatever you do, do not say you are jealous of baby. Not even as a joke!)

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