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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

(1000 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsismovingon Wed 12-Jun-13 23:32:03

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

bountyicecream Wed 12-Jun-13 23:53:33

Popping into shiny new thread to say night.

Noregrets78 Wed 12-Jun-13 23:59:56

Can I do the lurky 'marking a place' thing? I can't always keep up with the thread, but I do love to hear how you're getting on.

minkembernard Thu 13-Jun-13 00:16:31

<pops in to post party devastation>
Happy biryhday pony and tis

I've been chatting to the menfolks when I should gave been partying in here.

bounty throw, yes but make i heavy or it slides and rumples. and if you don't like it you can take it off.

that is my thread resolution-tidy up the big box downstairs. put things in loft and either clean the carpets of ming or paint a wall--entice man back and jump on him-- time to get my house in order and make some rl friends.

fuck you fuckwit flowers all round thanks remember to be kind to yourselves lovely ladies.

WinnieFosterTether Thu 13-Jun-13 01:20:04

Thank you Fi for the sparkles <twirls to watch them catching the light>
Meh! I didn't keep my last thread resolution which was to speak to a solicitor but armed (and dressed) with Fi's sparkles, I'm going to call one before the end of the month and try to pick my way out of this. nsdh was suggesting we wait till the end of the year to split up but I really don't see the point. It's always going to be a bad time to leave. . .

TisILeclerc Thu 13-Jun-13 06:22:15

Morning all! Marking my place. One of the reasons I dropped off radar is I failed to keep up last time the thread changed. So here I am: mark mark markety mark!


FairyFi Thu 13-Jun-13 07:35:26

morning LLOTT... hope not too many hang overs today... the one flagon knocked me out after such difficult day yesterday, with which in mind, important to do these things when you are ready Winnie and not be hard on yourself. Its a lot to face and your good preparations are necessary, I know why I kept putting it off! found the whole exercise very scarey... now it sounds like I'm putting you off... perhaps other ladies will come with much more positive upbeat experiences around making that move to the solicitor and facing the demon the sparkles looking just beautiful on you and adding a glow of strength, do I detect?

thanks Charlotte for beautiful shiney new thread. smile

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 08:56:29

winnie I found it was OK, once I'd gone to sol. It all seemed a bit overwhelming before that, but actually, it resolved itself into (fairly) simple doable steps. One step at a time smile

ColinButterfly Thu 13-Jun-13 09:51:35

Hello shiny new thread, thank you charlotte

My thread resolution is to stay happy, happy, happy and use my hindsight and positivity to support my fellow vixens, and regale them with the latest developments. I should go on the online dating thread I suppose but am pretty comfy here! Also, to keep my FW radar firmly switched ON.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 13-Jun-13 09:56:01

Morning all!

I've been to one solicitor for a free half-hour and got swindled when I didn't keep an eye on the time. hmm That's £100 I won't get back... I also let her dictate the pace of the conversation too much, so didn't get to ask all my questions. I am now preparing thoroughly for next solicitor on list, so as to get the most out of the free half-hour (as I probably don't want to use him, either!). Building up complete picture of finances is proving a long job! (Which is not at all because it's boring and I'm avoiding it, oh no.)

bountyicecream Thu 13-Jun-13 10:11:50

Ooh that sounds pants Charlotte. The sol I saw told me when the half hour was up and even said go away and think about what we've discussed before coming back. So I def wouldn't go with sol 1.

My thread resolution is a biggy - to move out shock

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 10:46:17

Charlotte do you use a spreadsheet? I found once I got into it, the financials were quite enjoyable in a funny sort of way. But I am weird that way confused

TisILeclerc Thu 13-Jun-13 10:49:50

Just back from the dentist - I had a filling come out early this week so I needed to get it done again. I hate going to the dentist!

I agree with bounty that sol sounds not the right one Charlotte. As for you bounty, anything is possible! Go for it!

Verygentlydoesit Thu 13-Jun-13 11:06:37

Charlotte, I'm not very familiar with how solicitors work but that sounds extremely unprofessional to me, verging on negligent. Surely the solicitor should have been very clear on when the 'free' part was over. Sounds like she/he used the free bit as a convenient 'opener' for a paid session. <Very notices her strict high standards for solicitor are in stark contrast to her standards for her EXP confused>.

Belated happy birthday wine and flowers for pony and tis.

Colin don't leave us, we love you. Thank you very much for your thought provoking advice yesterday. I've actually started copying and pasting things from the last thread- some of the posts have given me real 'lightbulb moments' and I don't want to forget things.

FFF you are in my thoughts today. How are you doing? I hope waking up to a new day without FW in the house wasn't too hard. Keep swimming.

Bounty your post about feeling sad that DD was part of a unit of the you and her rather than a family of 3 struck a cord with me. I have a similar sadness.

I was really life threateningly unwell when pregnant, so to do it again has felt too risky. I've almost come to terms with DS being an only child, but it has been hard at times and I feel very very sad that our 'family' has been broken apart. The times that the three of us spent together were the best moments of my life, it is almost inconceivable that they won't be happening again. But they were few and far between, and in alongside the loveliness there were often difficult things and feelings which I'm only now admitting to myself (or am I making them up to validate the break up confused).

EXP was a complete loon with DS, they have such fun together, and I hope that never changes. But I won't be part of that. I'm very conscious of the dynamic of me doing the lions share of parenting a crazy, lovely boy is a shame for him. But I'm damn well going to give it my very very best shot.

ColinButterfly Thu 13-Jun-13 11:14:06

Very the feeling is mutual and I'm definitely not going anywhere! I'm too aware FW hangovers are pretty brutal. Plus I like you all too much! I'm really pleased you're finding this thread so useful, I also have a document with some advice from here on the go. Writing it down is so helpful I agree, I think FWs have you in a constant spin that you can't retain all your thoughts, writing is the only way to manage it. I am still having realisations from things that happened years ago.

Cheering you on bounty, you'll get there eventually.

Good luck at the sol charlotte

Verygentlydoesit Thu 13-Jun-13 11:15:23

Sorry, to clarify my last paragraph, what I meant was: EXP was a complete loon with DS (in a good way), they have such fun together, and I hope that never changes. But I won't be able to be part of that anymore. I'm very conscious that the dynamic of me doing the lions share of parenting a crazy, lovely boy is a shame for DS, because his Dad was great for him to have around and much better at fun stuff and boys stuff. But I'm damn well going to give it my very very best shot.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 11:16:16

BTW I agree with very about the solicitor. I would not be paying for that extra time.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Thu 13-Jun-13 12:56:08

I'm just coming in to say hi and lurk a bit. Things are going well. I'm exhausted, but in an okay way. I've just got so much on trying to sort things and get things caught up. Visits have been okay, with little stress. I'm getting things into a routine and next week I'm going to start pushing myself to get more done that needs to be done around the house, as paperwork and everything else has been taking priority lately.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 13:34:27

Don't burn yourself out Alice! So glad things are going well, sounds like you are doing brilliantly smile

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 13-Jun-13 14:04:12

Oh dear, like a compliant little thing I paid up and thought it was probably my fault! Should've mentioned it here earlier; was probably a bit blush.

Just back from FP. Ahhhhh... I have pushed through the drained, wrung-out feeling that always comes at the end of a session and am now feeling happy to be seeing things clearly - again. It was the jailer this week. Thought it wouldn't really apply to me, but guess what, it did.

Verygentlydoesit Thu 13-Jun-13 14:14:57

Charlotte you are not a compliant little thing, you are brave for going to the solicitors and starting to unravel things. Solicitor was unprofessional, not your fault.

Glad you have some clarity, sounds lovely.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 14:15:08

Don't worry Charlotte at your stage of escape I would have done the same...

However, when my sol omitted to claim costs as instructed, a few weeks later in the stage, I found myself bringing it up with her no problem smile (Mind you, she was lovely, and no prob - their mistake, so they paid for divorce) It was a simple change in the form that had gone unnoticed by secretary, and sol's guidance through divorce settlement was brilliant.

Sorry for going on - you've put me in reminiscence mode...

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 14:16:10

Of course, I paid for her doing settlement (just under £3K inc vat)

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 14:17:35

(FW was a FW and I had to start court proceedings, so I think I paid a v good fee)

sweetpeasunday Thu 13-Jun-13 15:01:03

Charlotte, don't worry, I also paid first solicitor who I was not happy with. Conserve your energies for finding the right one and moving forward.

Oh silver, I am nearly at that just stop the harrassment and get to a reasonable arrangement, we have not even got finances involved (not claiming anything) or started on an agreement. Still, if I think back a few months,it is money well spent, and a useful reminder not to give in to pressure from here on (otherwise may as well still have money in the bank).

All very exhausting.

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