Can anyone offer advice on my mum?

[timewastingaway]

Have been meaning to post for ages but never find the time...

I haven't seen my mum for 4 years but have spoken occasionally on the phone.She walked out on me,my sister and brother when we were 11, 5 and 1.She met somebody else, had an affair and then left.
(Need to add that it was due to boredom I think, had been with my dad for 25 years from a young age.He was not abusive or anything like that)

She left us with a dad who had no idea how to cook, who didn't clean.We ended up living in squalor for years.My dad is one of these hoarders, and although it wasn't waste, it was anything else and he never cleaned.He is a lovely caring dad but practically, was awful.

My mum would contact us to see us maybe once a week/fortnight and take us out.My dad refused to speak to or see her.
When she left us she carried on claiming our child benefit and my dad was paying her rent (she was living with her new partner)
My dad got a new girlfriend and she put a stop to all of this as my poor dad was being a pushover as he still loved my mum.
It turned out that my mums new partner was an alcoholic and became abusive to her, I recall one occasion she turned up at the door as he had pushed her out of his car after punching her in the face...I thought on that night she would come home but she went back to him and more incidents happened.She appeared one day with her arm in a cast saying she had fallen down the stairs.Whether this was true or not im unsure.One day he was giving me and my friend a lift home with my mum and they were arguing in the front so he crashed the car on purpose.

Anyway,
My mum and dad divorced and she got a settlement of 20k which went on, I heard ,to pay her new partners gambling and other debts.
I found out from my mum randomly one day that they had got married but we hadn't been invited.Next thing was one day I went to see her, hadn't seen her for months and she was visibly pregnant.She hadn't told me!
So she had a daughter and supposedly he was getting help from AA and was sorting himself out.He has always been very controlling.When I would meet up with her he would be constantly ringing her phone or if I rang her I would hear her mobile ringing in the background.
He was arrested at one point for sexual assault on a work colleague and my mum was adamant that this girl was lying etc.
This is all just to give you an idea what ive been dealing with.She would make excuses for him, that he had had a bad upbringing, his dad was an alcoholic etc.I hardly ever saw her.It was like growing up without a mum.

Anyway, I moved abroad and she came to visit a few times with her H after I had my first DD.On one occasion (the last time I saw her) we had a fall out over something silly and it came flooding out how I felt about her leaving etc and she went back to the UK without saying goodbye.
We spoke on the phone from then on occasion and she sends cards on birthdays etc.We only live 45 mins in the car from each other...
Now here is my main problem.She is so blase about things.She forgets how old i am etc, doesnt seem to think she has done anything wrong by walking out on us, says shes always been there for me.
Since I last saw her I have had 2 DC.She hasn't bothered to come and meet them, forgot one of their names once and since I asked why she hasn't bothered to come and see us (She replied that she could but her H would have to bring her) I haven't heard from her atall.She just hasn't bothered contacting me.
My brother and sister have met up with her and she made a comment about how she would love to see us....then changed the subject.

I wonder how much of this behaviour is him, controlling and abusing and how much is her...selfish behaviour.My kids have no idea who she is.She has met my now 6 year old twice and not for 4 years.The other 2 have never laid eyes on her.

I don't know where to go from here.I feel so angry with her.She was a good mum before she left but has been nothing short of neglectful since.All those times I needed a mum and shes not been there.I find myself being very up and down about it.Trying not to think about it, feeling angry and upset etc.

Part of me thinks cut her out of my life, she obviously doesn't care but im worried it is mainly him and this is what he wants.

Sorry for the very rambly post, I have had to try and fit the last 17 years in there! and thanks if you have read it all.

would really appreciate some advice

just need some advice really

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your mum sounds like a very damaged individual. I don't know when it started or why it happened but she's one of those people that doesn't do 'life' well at all... selfish, impulsive, stupid, unlucky, irresponsible, inadequate ... lurching from crisis to crisis, bad decision to bad decision, running after the next thing that seems like a good idea at the time and completely oblivious to the trail of destruction they leave behind. She reminds me a little of a man I knew.. also abandoned his family, also supremely self-centred... a mass of neuroses and insecurities that he tried to damp down with the alcohol that finally killed him. He also ended up with a pretty nasty partner that controlled his every move ... but I think he found that reassuring in a weird kind of way.

His children were like you. Angry, upset, confused, and desperate to just have a normal Dad... not some sixty-odd year-old toddler that needed careful handling all the time.

I don't think it's as simple as cutting her out of your life. What you have to let go of, in truth, is the whole 'Mum' thing ... the expectation that she's ever going to be anything but this big mess of a person. If you can engage with her simply as 'Doris' (made up name) and not lay on her all the expectations of what a Mum should look like, maybe you can live with that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Should add... you might benefit from counselling if you haven't had any already. Your Dad sounds like he was a pretty neglectful parent as well.

[timewastingaway]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.You are right that I need to let go of the whole "mum" idea as she will never be that again as far as im concerned.I find it hard that when we do talk (haven't for a few months now) that she tries to behave like a normal mum.I find it hard to take, how she can act as though everything is normal.She has never apologised for leaving or for the way she has behaved as in her warped mind she doesn't seem to think there is much wrong with it all.

I would like to possibly look into some counselling but no idea how to go about it? I certainly couldn't afford to pay for it so not sure if there is anything on the NHS?
It is hard to hear that my dad was neglectful as I know he loves us more than anything but it is true really.We had to put up with awful mess and lack of decent meals etc.Lack of hygienic care etc..eg never had our teeth brushed, given baths regularly etc.Lack of control when I was a teenager meaning I was left to do pretty much what I wanted which could've ended badly but luckily for me I had some self control!
I think my dad was in a depressed state himself as he is a very traditional man, that divorce is a real sin etc.

Anyway, thanks again and if anyone could point me in the direction of where I could maybe get some help, to talk it over with someone I would really appreciate it

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your mother only cared about her own self interest and remains a selfish woman. Her own childhood was likely abusive on some levels and she has been damaged by her experiences. It is NOT your fault she is like this. Such women as well do not change.

NHS counselling waiting lists can be very long and such sessions are limited in number.

I would suggest you contact BACP as they do not charge the earth. Counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits. It may be that the first counsellor you see does not fit with you, if so seek another.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as this is about adults who have lived their childhoods in their own emotionally dysfunctional and toxic birth family unit.