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Feel like I'm being made a mug of

(68 Posts)
PurpleOne Wed 12-Jun-13 13:56:49

I've been seeing this bloke for about 4 or 5 months now. Generally we get along great. He was upfront and honest with me at the start to tell me he is still married (separated 5 yrs now)
The problem I'm having is the fact that he still sees her on a regular basis for dinner and drinks out. I've never been invited along although I would like to meet her.
So I'm right in the throes of moving house and he tells me he's taking her to the theatre on Saturday night. He's never taken me to the theatre! I'm not a jealous person, far from it, but it just now feels that I'm never going to be his number one. He refuses to get a divorce. There are no children and he can certainly afford to get one, he just won't.
We've talked about it over and over again but he just won't budge. He says she's his best friend which I think is utter bollocks. If they were best friends, surely they'd be living together as married people do.
He hasn't even told her that he's been seeing me!

Any ideas?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 12-Jun-13 13:58:27

Only the one - dump him pronto.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 12-Jun-13 13:59:05

Oh and the reason you feel you are being made a mug of - is because you are - put an end to it.

Kaluki Wed 12-Jun-13 14:00:44

He's not separated. Or not enough to be involved with you.
Tell him to do one and find someone who s available.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 12-Jun-13 14:02:40

He is married. As in properly married. And the reason he hasn't told his wife about you is that you are the OW.

TheSmallClanger Wed 12-Jun-13 14:04:14

You are being stitched up like a kipper. This situation will not end well. Run away before any major damage is caused.

Frizzbonce Wed 12-Jun-13 14:06:01

I'm sorry you're going through this *Purple". He's lying - of course he is. I don't know when you see this guy but I'm presuming it's on his terms. He might not even be separated. But if he is and he refuses to get a divorce then he's obviously quite happy to vacillate between you and his ex. Get Rid. You deserve much better than this lying cockweasel.

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 12-Jun-13 14:10:49

Read what you've written. Imagine it was your sister or best friend telling you this. What would you think and say?

PurpleOne Wed 12-Jun-13 14:13:55

Frizz, I see him when I want to. I have keys to his flat and we do the normal couple thing. She left 5 yrs ago.

We get along great, and then every so often, he meets up with her and its a gentle reminder to me that I'm still fucking someone's husband. He just doesn't understand this. If a divorce was in progress then fair enough. He will never be mine

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 12-Jun-13 14:16:32

You said it! Your last sentence. cut your losses and find someone who wants you, not using you to fill time whilst waiting for the ex to come back.

NandH Wed 12-Jun-13 14:22:07

You are being made a mug....I'd introduce myself to his wife and then kick him to the curb! say he can afford a divorce, can he also afford a flat to take his ow (you) aswell as a home with his wife I'm wondering...

TheSmallClanger Wed 12-Jun-13 14:29:04

He is still playing house with his wife and keeping you in the flat. He probably enjoys the risk-taking and has no intention of giving it up.

Run away, fast and far, and don't get caught up any more in his bullshit. He is following a classic script that is so cliched, there have been ten million films featuring it.

PurpleOne Wed 12-Jun-13 14:32:56

His wife lives the other side of London, she has her own mortgage and flat. He has the marital home. They do not live together. I've seen bank statements and I know for a fact he can afford a divorce.

I just wish he would cut the strings so we can be together properly

EllaFitzgerald Wed 12-Jun-13 14:34:32

I think it's entirely possible to be best friends with an ex without being, or wanting to be, in a relationship with them, as I was with my ex. We weren't married but had lived together for ten years, so as good as. We saw each other regularly, days and evenings out, and had regular long telephone calls. Neither of us had any desire whatsoever to be with the other and both were involved with other people.

The difference between us was that I was entirely honest about the situation with my partner, as I had nothing to hide. He, on the other hand, was using me as a safety net so that he didn't have to move on and get serious with anyone else. As soon as he met someone he was serious about, things cooled off naturally, as he didn't want to jeopardise things with his new partner (quite understandably) and I didn't feel comfortable with him feeling like he had to sneak off to text me as I felt it was disrespectful to her.

If he's telling the truth about being separated, then I suspect your fella is doing the same as he did. If he really wanted to be free to move on, then he would be. Simple as that.

TheSmallClanger Wed 12-Jun-13 14:34:41

He won't. He has the situation exactly how he wants it, and the money to maintain the status quo.

He doesn't want to "be together properly" with you, he wants to continue having an affair.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 12-Jun-13 14:35:21

But Purple if he really wanted to be with you 'properly' then he would be. So the only conclusion is that he doesn't.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Jun-13 14:37:29

What exactly do you know about his life outside of you?. Think you've been fed a series of lines here by this chancer who has seen in you an opportunity. He could too easily be telling you a pack of lies and you are the other woman here.

TheSmallClanger Wed 12-Jun-13 14:39:42

Okay then, mention contacting the wife socially and watch him shit himself. The next move will be him making out that she is jealous, vindictive and unstable and probably mentally ill, so a) he can't leave her or she will do something unwise, and/or b) she will attack you, or try to turn you against him or do you over somehow.

Seen it happen to friends, always the same script.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 12-Jun-13 14:43:07

He is using you.
He is lying so he can continue to use you.
This arrangement will not ever ever evolve beyond what it is today.

For some, this would be ok: regular sex wih the same man (a known quantity) without the entanglement of 24/7 involvement. But it sounds like this is not what you want. Call time on the relationship and move on.

This is about you and your life, which he apparently doesn't really care about. Just guessing, but why is he even telling you about his dates with another woman, wife or not? Imho, he may enjoy making you jealous, quite the entertainment. angry

Even if he was not still married, he does not sound like much of a catch.

PurpleOne Wed 12-Jun-13 14:43:24

His life consists of 3 grown up DD's and work mostly.

The first thing what really prompted me to post about it is the fact his DD1 is getting married in November. She knows about me and we've spoken on the phone. All the while DD1 knew I'm her dads partner, she has still booked a hotel room for him and the wife when they come up for the wedding. Can appreciate the fact that wife was her step mum, fair dos, but knowing about me and then proceeding to book a single hotel room for the pair of them is slapping an opportunity right in front of them.
Which is a tad unfair on me.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 12-Jun-13 14:46:36

In what context have you spoken on the phone? I bet she doesn't realise you are shagging.

I will repeat what I said upthread, he is still married.

How do you know the flat was the marital home? Perhaps it is just his shagpad during the week?

You probably think I am being really harsh, but the reality of your situation is staring you in the face, if only you will open your eyes and look.

MissStrawberry Wed 12-Jun-13 14:49:08

Maybe his daughter is hoping they will get back to

Hang on, you said in the OP there were no children??

oldwomaninashoe Wed 12-Jun-13 14:49:12

If you've not been introduced to his "best friend" as his "girlfriend" by now I would be having more than suspicions.
If he is prepared to introduce you to his ex, okay, but if not extricate yourself from this or demand some honesty from him.

I say this as someone who didn't bother divorcing for years (there were no children/property invoved) so it was just left until it was necessary as I wanted to re-marry. It just seemed like a lot of bother to do it until I really had to!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Jun-13 14:49:56

He's not at work all the time and where is he when he is not with you?. He's with his wife of course. You are the OW here I am sorry to say, nothing more than that. She is also his "best friend". Not you.

Is this really what you want for yourself relationship wise?.

MissStrawberry Wed 12-Jun-13 14:51:31

Right, reread. So no children together?

Either way you haven't been with this man very long so demanding he get a divorce is a bit out of order in my opinion. Does he know you want him to be "yours"? Maybe he isn't ready for that and staying married gives him a barrier.

It is ultimatum time if you can't cope with things as they are but be prepared it won't go your way. If you push him to do something he doesn't want too yet you might just push him right away.

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