8 yrs on

[Kaismum1]

Hi Ladies,

Its been 8 yrs this month that me and my ex husband split, now I have no feelings for him what so ever except for the link with our son that's it, and have moved on totally from what he did. However my ex cheated on me with my then best friend of 20yrs, and im still finding it so hard to stop the utter hatred I have for this disgusting piece of trash, I hate the fact that she still enters my head on a regular basis, that I wish I could rewind back to when I was 11 and erase her :(

I hate her being around my amazing son and I regularly find out she is not nice to him eg by making snidey comments about him ruining her and my ex husbands weekend, and to top it off I have found out that my ex buys her mothers day cards from my son, this is just the tip of the iceberg of a long list of arguments me and my ex have had over her and my son grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I went to counselling when we split for about 6 months and that helped massively re me and my ex husband.

I do not want her in my head, how have u ladies moved on from this?? or am I destined to have hate in my blood for ever.

moochus thanks for any advice xxx

[tokentotty]

Have you addressed this with your ex-partner?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Personally I found it much easier to forgive the 'OW' than my exH. As far as I'm concerned, he was the one that had made promises to me and not her. He voluntarily broke those promises, made the decision to leave & I don't have any reason to think she twisted his arm up his back. In other words, I hold him solely responsible and tend to think that, if it hadn't been her specifically, he'd have found someone else eventually.

There was a time when I felt she'd 'won' and I'd 'lost'... runner-up in a two-woman popularity contest ... and for a long time I felt she was living my life in a funny kind of way. All the plans we'd made, she was the one carrying them out rather than me. But, as time has gone on, and I think back to what a miserable bastard my exH was, I can see that my life has improved whereas I doubt his personality has done the same :)

I guess it's particularly hurtful when your replacement was supposed to be a friend but ultimately, the only person being damaged by bitterness is you. I didn't want to live with that any more and hope you find your own way to live with the outcome.

[Lweji]

While I agree it's 100% his fault, as a best friend it was also a betrayal by the OW.
I'd find it easier to forgive a stranger than a best friend.
Particularly when she ends up fulfilling part of my role as a mother.

However, you, OP, have to let it go.
She will never be the mother for your DC.
She got a cheating man and she may well end up feeling like you.
You need to live your life and should find a way to be happy, not worry about her.

[Sofasurfer37]

Tokentotty me and my ex husband have to discuss issues regarding her on the odd occasion and he just poo poos my concerns or fury tells me im being dramatic which really pees me off, he has no respect for me (as my son mum) he is a heartless pig.

CogitoErgoSometimes I understand what your saying and believe you me my ex paid for what he did too me, buuut it was always in the back of my mind that this would happen as he was unfaithful through our 11yr relationship and marriage (he always managed to talk his way out of it and i had no concrete proof) so was not a massive shock that this happened, I do believe that if it wasn't her it would have been someone else so im better off without him anyway she is defo welcome to my sloppy seconds I do not care one little bit that they are together and have all the things we worked hard for house, car and money, plus its way too hard to be angry with someone I HAVE to see on a weekly basis.

However I truly believe that girlfriends have a unwritten rule you never go there and as my friend who was more like a sister to me she should have told him to do one and backed off, it was a total shock that she did this to me and I still feel soooooooo betrayed with no explanation from her to why she did this and had too choose him.

Lweji I just want to wipe her from my memory for good, I don't want to think about the past and her being in it. I don't know how to let it/her go. I hate her being involved with my son and he hates her too, which makes me very sad, why would u want to be with some one who didn't get on with your child, I ended a relationship due to my bf not getting on with my son he is number 1 over everything and everybody my son tells me lots that he loves me and im the best mum ever, bless him he is so amazing and im very lucky to have him :D

xxxx

[sarahseashell]

I think most people would struggle with that tbh - I know I would.

You will always be his first wife and mother of his son. She is probably jealous of that hence her stupid behaviour. She knows deep down what she did - she's 'won' nothing - just taking a cheating eejit off your hands Just focus on making your life the best it can be - added bonus it'll piss her off. You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your son.

Your exh will probably show his true colours at some point lets hope

[Sofasurfer37]

sarahseashell Thanks sarah very true :)

[Dahlen]

You were treated appalling by two people who you should have been able to count on through thick and thin. It's not surprising you're angry and hurt.

But 8 years down the line, if it's still triggering this sort of rage I'd really recommend further counselling. Why give selfish idiots like that the satisfaction of taking up so much of your valuable head space?

[gettingeasiernow]

I see that it takes longer to get over the betrayal of the friend than the betrayal of the h. Totally. I am continually gobsmacked at how little solidarity women show each other. I just expect better of them. OK I know I should expect better of men too, but if I look deep inside, actually I find it easier to accept that they are flawed.
Sometimes I picture myself at the end of a (hopefully long and happy) life, looking back, trying to picture that perspective. What I will regret is wasting time on pointless emotions, years instead of months spent getting over broken relationships, dealing with my DF's alcoholism, etc.etc. I have not been in your situation but try to find the resolve not to let her poison years of your life, she is not worth the time of day let alone your headspace. Determine to live a far better life than hers. Karma will take care of her, and by then, you will be sooooo over it you won't even care.

[Sofasurfer37]

Thanks ladies I think that u are right that I may need a bit more counselling to banish the last of my demons with regard to her and my rage and fury lol I do try and push her out when ever she enters my head but when she does something to upset my son it makes me so angry I think about her and dream about her for days grrrr

I defo know I have a better life as far as my friends, family etc are concerned, all she has and wants are things and money and I don't need material objects to make me happy.

:) xxx

[sarahseashell]

good for you
remember always you have got something she'll never have - integrity