Domestic abuse (not physical) - do I have any legal rights?

[NeedToGetOut]

I have been married 11 years and have 3 children (all under 16).

My problem is my husband. He is extremely possessive and often aggressive and volatile with his moods. He acts very much like a spoilt child and just expects that we should all give into his wants on demand. He hasn't worked (regularly) for 5 years and we rely mainly on my income. He plays golf at least twice a week (and occasionally teaches which is where he makes some income) but his costs far outweigh his income from it. Otherwise he will sleep in while I get the kids up and ready for school, he does very very little around the house (may empty the dishwasher now and then but that's it) and although it's unspoken, he expects me to do everything for the kids because he simply does nothing. Recently my son started football training and he's now complaining because he has to stand for an hour once a week and watch him train. He doesn't do the weekend matches as he's playing golf.

In our early days together I would argue with him but have realised that over the years I have become very complacent with him. I would go as far as to say that sometimes I am really scared. Although he hasn't hit me he has said things like if he found out I was having an affair (no chance because he takes me everywhere I need to go so have no time on my own except work which is all female anyway) that he would take the kids and I'd never see them. He knows my kids are my life.

I really really want to get out of this relationship. I feel like I have lost all what I once was. I have no self esteem, am on anti depressants (for the past 6 years). Over the years he has gradually kept me away from friends so I now have no close friends, only acquaintances (other mums at school mainly) but no-one I can confide in (hence the anonymous post here)

We live in a rented HA house and I know because we have a joint tenancy I have no right to ask him to leave. He has already told me anyway that he wouldn't leave and because there has been no physical violence I have no grounds to get him removed from the tenancy or evicted.

Would I be able to go into a women's refuge? I have read through the womens aid website but not sure if they would consider me at risk because there is no actual violence.

If anyone has any advice or could point me in a direction that could give advice or suggestions I would be really grateful. Thank you

[Mintyy]

If you earn all the income, can you not leave and find a new house?

Do not worry that he will take the kids and you would never see them. This simply would not happen under British law.

Why not go to a family solicitor ... many of them will give you an hour's free appointment.

[Bonsoir]

Go and see a solicitor.

[BCBG]

I think the key point is that you have said you are afraid. What are you afraid of? If you are afraid that he will be violent if you try and break free then yes, you are a victim of DV and you need proper support - more than just a solicitor, although I agree you need one as well. There are other Mners with great experience in this area so I hope they will be along soon. In the meantime, keep posting.

[babyhammock]

The thing is he doesn't have to hit you, he already has you too scared of the consequences of leaving anyway and are therefore imprisoned by this. He knows that if he did hit you that you would have recourse to help you...
So he's basically got you terrified and he thinks there's nothing you can do about it :(.

Its recognised that the emotional abuse of this kind is often just as bad if not worse than physical abuse.

Have you read the Lundy Bancoft book? I' d also call womansaid.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Womens Aid would certainly be able to help you. The definition of Domestic Abuse is much wider than physical assault and there are, sadly, plenty of women that find themselves in your kind of situation. Isolated, cowed, spirit smashed and suffering depression etc. The constant bullying behaviour is plenty bad enough to justify asking for help. You don't have to be in immediate risk for them to give you advice on how to get yourself and your children safely away from this man.

Seeing a solicitor is also excellent advice but, when it comes to threats and bullying forms of abuse, please treat your well-being as the top priority. Get as much information as you can from WA, solicitors, CAB and so on, get RL support from friends/family you can trust and start the divorce from a place of safety.

[babyhammock]

This is their definition of domestic violence:
In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour.