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Headf**k boyfriend who I sadly love....HELP

(93 Posts)
waddlecakes Sat 08-Jun-13 12:03:56

I've been seeing him for a little under a year and it's always been difficult. He has mental problems and in April went into a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks.

The past two months have been good and I really thought we were moving forward.

Yesterday afternoon I went round as planned and he was having an ''off'' day. We were supposed to watch the tennis. We essentially spent 6 hours straight arguing, him saying he ''doesn't know how to be in a relationship'', he doesn't know what to do with me, how to feel. He has no job and hasn't for a good few years (we're in our late twenties). His family basically are too scared to isolate him and so they tiptoe around him trying to make life as comfortable as possible. We have the same GP - yesterday he went to see her, looking to be referred to some specialist doctor, and our GP told him he needed to get a grip on life and stop thinkjng he was unique, because people aren't. That shook him and I suppose it's what kicked him into havng a 'bad day'. He was really sullen and introspective when I arrived, I had to try and get him out of the house. We kissed and then he tried to drag me into the bedroom (it sounds scary, but what I mean is he really wanted to get 'it on', but I could sense an aggression to it that made me realize somewhere in the back of my mind that doing it then would have been about him releasing tension and not really about sex, and so I refused and continued trying to get him out the house).

I've never been anything other than loyal and supportive to him. Our argument started because although he was generally being difficult, there came a point where he made a ''joke''. Can't remember what the context was but he said: ''I haven't given a shit about your feelings for awhile now''.

He said he probably has some sort of Madonna/whore complex, he doesn't understand what I'm doing with someone who is so useless in life and in bed (premature ejaculation issues). He said he was only capable of seeing me in three different ways - sometimes as magical and wonderful, other times he doesn't even think of me at all, and then sometimes just as a sex object. He said he wanted to tell me things he'd never told anyone before...then he broke down and said he ''hadn't been honest'' with me. He said when we first met, he was supposed to be involved in something with another woman. A woman who lives in Norway, who is also ''crazy'', who three years ago he thought could have ''been'' something to him. When he met me, they had been exchanging letters, but then he fell under ''my spell'' and realized that she was just an illusion in a way, that none of it was real. He said they had continued writing to each other until this April.

That's when I started crying. Maybe I overreacted because he never promised me anything and I suppose I always knew that he could never fully be mine, and I too had been tying up loose ends with a guy (casual) when we first met...but coupled with everything else, it just seemed like a lot. I got up and walked to the door but he wouldn't let me leave, he wanted to finish the discussion. I told him he had so little going on in his life that he was trying to suck emotion out of creating drama like this, and I also told him that I'd noticed that yet again he was handing in his notice for his most recent job (lasted 2 days in it) and was also handing in notice for his flat (his plan is to sleep at various friends), so I told him he was probably trying to get rid of me as well to justify having some big massive breakdown.

This went on for hours. We went to bed, had sex and went to sleep, he didn't touch me all night, same in the morning. In the morning he disappeared to get food but I felt so drained I waited for him for 5 minutes and then just decided to leave. As I was leaving he came back in and told me ''not to leave like this'', he had stuff for breakfast, etc. I told him I just wanted to get home. Then he said: ''Let's go to the lake tomorrow'' (where we go swimming).

I'm so confused. I love him so much and it's been an unsure thing since the very beginning because of his issues - I've never been allowed to get closer than the point he decides on. But it really felt like things were getting better...I just don't understand why he's trying to hijack things now, and why he didn't just let me leave when I wanted to, or why he didn't just finish things. What the fuck does he want from me?

I'm sorry this is so epic, I needed to get it out. If anyone can offer me insight on this I'd be grateful (any direct conversation about it with him is completely impossible), or if anyone has been in a similar situation. Don't tell me to just forget about him, I can't.

waddlecakes Sun 09-Jun-13 11:54:09

thanks for replying everyone, you've really helped me see through the fog, especially undertone and stickthekettleon. About 2 hours after I got home yesterday, I received a text that said:

''Thank you so much for staying last night, it was very important to me. I hope you'll want to go to the lake with me tomorrow. xxx''

Just such a weird phrasing...''it was very important to me''.

Undertone Sun 09-Jun-13 12:05:09

No apology? No facing up to how terrible he made you feel?

Why does he think that the thing YOU will want to hear most is how important your support was to HIM?

He knows that you have placed his needs above your own. He is comfortable with that and is happy to praise you for it.

Please distance yourself and don't see him. He needs to give you time to think. It will be hard because he will want his emotional punching bag and crutch back - he will bombard you with affection and claims he didnt mean what he said and HE NEEDS YOU.

Push him away. Be strong for yourself, not others.

HalfSpamHalfBrisket Sun 09-Jun-13 12:09:54

You could continue to microanalyse evey text, utterance and action and see them as 'signs' that he loves you/doesn't love you/is changing/is not changing...

Or, you could begin to think about your own happiness, and perhaps get some counselling to really understand your motivations for staying in this situation, and hopefully work out a way to move on.

waddlecakes Sun 09-Jun-13 12:20:18

It's interesting you say 'crutch' undertone, because during our argument he said ''I can't keep using you as a crutch'', so he is obviously very self-aware. I think that makes it worse. But I don't understand how he's using me as a crutch, I'm simply patient, it's not like I actually solve any of his problems.

What someone said earlier really rang a bell...I can't expect him to end this and ''set me free'', because I don't think he ever will. I know he finds me extremely attractive, and I put up with his BS. What possible reason would he have for letting me go, when he can just keep me to satisfy his sexual needs, to listen to his self-analysis and when times are good, to enjoy spending time with? More likely is he does this shit because he enjoys the drama, as I told him myself, the push-pull thing is the only thing that fills his emotional void.

He constantly refers to me as a 'succubus', and when things go wrong in the bed department, he apologizes but then says when women are 'too aggressive' he finds it I'm just suppose to lie there and let him do his thing?!

Obviously I need to let this go. I can't without making some bigger changes in my overall life though. I need to start making a plan for getting back to the UK.

Leverette Sun 09-Jun-13 12:28:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thenightsky Sun 09-Jun-13 12:28:45

Urgh. He sounds like a massive drama queen who wants all the attention focused on him. How utterly exhausting for you sad

waddlecakes Sun 09-Jun-13 12:29:59

Leverette, yes he was.

clam Sun 09-Jun-13 12:39:13

Sorry to sound harsh here, but I would get the hell out. It doesn't sound as though he is in a place that can cope with a relationship, or give you what you need/want so break it off. You can't rescue him - he has to work on himself and I don't see why he should use you as an emotional punchbag while he does so.

chipmonkey Sun 09-Jun-13 12:49:43

When he says he finds it difficult when women are "too aggressive" he actually means he doesn't like when women stand up for themselves. You can't fix him and in fact you are just repeating the pattern your mother created with your father and look how that turned out! Where does your happiness figure in all this?

Mumsyblouse Sun 09-Jun-13 12:56:17

I think you can feel sorry for someone and wish them the best whilst getting the hell out of there to protect yourself emotionally. He told you the truth really, which is that he's too self-absorbed to properly love you or put his needs first. Only you can decide to walk away from this, I would, however much you love him; it's highly destructive for you and it won't benefit him,

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 09-Jun-13 12:58:05

Delete his text, delete his number, do not go to the lake tomorrow and instead make plans for relocating back to the UK.

Undertone Sun 09-Jun-13 12:59:58

Ok - the other side of this - we can easily guess his motivation for keeping you glued to him.

What, deep down, do you think the reasons are that you were attracted to and sustained an emotionally exhausting relationship with a man who:

- is emotionally cruel ('don't give a fuck about your feelings')
- is emotionally unfaithful (maintaining connection with Norway woman)
- is sexually dysfunctional (PE and blaming you for it - never mind the whole using your body thing)
- is lazy and demotivated (gp calling him on it sends him into a sulk)
- is irresponsible and entitled (expecting people to let him sofa surf, quitting job after 2 days - what a knob)

Selfish. Self absorbed. Willing to sleep with you but not take any care or responsibility for your feelings. What made you love this man?

Do you think subconsciously you don't deserve proper love, from someone who is able to give it? Do you think that the man described above is what you deserve?

Follows a train of thought from a book chapter i read recently where it questions whether women who have bad luck with crappy boyfriends DO suffer bad luck or in fact they are repeatedly choosing unavailable and lacklustre candidates for themselves, to avoid a Big Scary Real Relationship.

I am one of these women. I'm flying solo now until i have my head sorted. People who don't know me well often rather insensitively ask why i haven't got a boyfriend ('you're lovely!' etc gah). I can't choose well for myself and m vulnerable to emotional vampire drama llamas, mindfuckers, serial cheaters and other broken toys. I love them all to pieces and they use me horribly. So now it's me and my sports bra and trainers, work, my beautiful flat, my friends, and positive thinking. The next chap to cross my path needs to be fucking spectacular, frankly, for me to give this up.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sun 09-Jun-13 13:00:33

Right, think practical. What does it need for you to get back to the UK? Make a list. What can you be getting in with ASAP?
You've seen the way ahead. Now act on it.

Leverette Sun 09-Jun-13 13:01:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thenightsky Sun 09-Jun-13 13:02:14

undertone Fabulous post!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sun 09-Jun-13 13:02:57

PS. Undertone, you sound exactly like me :-)

MatersMate Sun 09-Jun-13 13:05:19

Brilliant post undertone glad you're happy to give yourself some time, many rarely do!

Please leave OP, this will go on and on and on...I think you know this.

JustinBsMum Sun 09-Jun-13 13:06:37

waddlecakes can I point out something important here --- we are all only on this planet once, yes, ONCE, we do not get a rerun, we do not get to relive our teens or twenties again, no it is a one chance event.

Plus our time on this planet passes pretty quickly.

So, keeping this in mind, do not waste another minute on this unpleasant man.

Get some books on self-help as you sound as if you have issues from not having your father in your life.

CalamityKate Sun 09-Jun-13 13:06:59

He's a self obsessed weirdo whos crap in bed and makes you unhappy. FGS get rid. It doesn't matter how much you luuuuuuurve him. Get rid anyway.

waddlecakes Tue 18-Jun-13 20:05:38


Just dropping in again because I feel so shit, I'm veering between hysterical crying and feeling completely dead inside.

This evening he called me to go to the lake with him. He's started a new job, and didn't tell me he was working this eve, so I essentially hauled myself out there thinking we were going to spend the evening together (1 hour each way) when in fact we were only there for an hour.

Everything's been as usual - him ranting on and on about his past and his future and how he doesn't know what to do with himself, he can't seem to connect to anyone and feels a massive void in his life, how he's going to have to quit this job at some point, etc.

I start swimming, and there's nothing, not a kiss, not a how are you, nothing, as usual he's unable to actually converse with me, it goes straight to him, his problems, etc. Almost zero physical contact, and I really miss it.

We sat by the lake and had a beer, that's when he dropped the ''I have to work this eve'' bombshell, although fair enough really, maybe I'm making a big deal out of it. He carries on musing about his life. Then he says we need to go because he needs to get to work. Just then, three people walk by - acquaintances of his. He jumps up and is all smiley, there's a woman who's pregnant which he seems enthralled by - then he strokes her head affectionately.

I pack up my things and start walking. I just walk straight through the field until I hit the main road, feeling a combination of anger and hurt. How come acquaintances get smiles and questions about their life and affection? Why? WHY?! Why not me?

He took a short cut apparently, and there he is walking along with one of the guys. He calls out to me, I just ignore him. He calls a few times, I just blank him I'm so angry. He catches up with me and asks what the problem is. I say I never want to see him again. He asks why, I say because you don't give a shit about me. He asks what would make me think that.

We walk along in silence for a few minutes, I tell him to leave me alone, he carries on walking, then he says he has to get the tram, he's going to be late for work. I say fine, goodbye. And he asks if I'm just going to leave, just ''like that''. I said I didn't see why not, considering we met ''just like that''.

He gets the tram.

I start crying.

Now half an hour later, like a fucking dickhead, I send a text saying: ''I'm sorry. I was just hurt.''

What the hell is wrong with me.

Lavenderhoney Tue 18-Jun-13 20:15:09

I don't know why you are doing this to yourself. Its not going to work. Tell yourself you are a nice person and don't deserve it.

I think he met you there to finish with you, sorry. You going swimming and then meeting others by chance stopped it, and he had to go anyway.

Sounds harsh, but be the one to stop it. Why go back for more of the same?

You've have lots of advice to finish it, I think you should take it, and start planning a new start.

wordyBird Tue 18-Jun-13 20:18:21

Nothing wrong with you, waddle. You're just a normal, loving person looking for a normal, loving response from your partner... and not getting it. He can't and won't give it to you.

But you've seen through it and taken action. This is GOOD, ok? Though it feels awful, horrible at the moment, it will go.

Don't worry about the text: that's just what loving people do, because they cannot help caring. Keep going. It's time to make the break, you're a strong woman and you can do it.

waddlecakes Tue 18-Jun-13 20:27:51

Thanks wordy, I'm trying. It would help if I had a bit more enthusiasm for my life in general but like I said up thread I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life at the moment and have gotten myself into sort of a slump.

Lavendar I don't think he wanted to finish it this eve because he was talking about how we wanted to go away together in August, making plans etc. It's baffling, I don't know what he wants from me.

oracleselfservice Tue 18-Jun-13 20:48:15

It doesn't really matter does it. This is a horrible relationship with a complete loser who has no prospects, is totally self absorbed and has nothing to offer you. And he knows this which is why he plays mind games to keep you on a string - its the only way he can keep a woman interested. He isn't even good in bed for fucks sake. The guy is a twat. Do yourself a favour, get some self respect and move on.

spondulix Tue 18-Jun-13 21:19:37

Why are you doing this to yourself? He has no respect or love for you. And it's been less than a year! You shouldn't be facing these problems so early on in the relationship, you should be giddy!

Imagine what your life with him will be like in five years ... ten. Imagine children with this self centred man. Sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it?

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