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Normal male behaviour?

(31 Posts)
Cinacina Fri 07-Jun-13 16:53:19

I love my dh very much. He is kind, thoughtful and generous. We have 4dc and the youngest is 7 months. However, some of his behaviour has upset me recently and I don't know if I'm brushing it under the carpet or have lost respect for myself that I continue to accept it. Since we had dc4, he has done the following:

Within weeks if dc4, he was googling images of women in underwear, bikinis, topless etc. he knows how much I hate this as I find it demoralising, disrespectful and hurtful.

Women that he comes across or will be meeting via work, friends etc he googles them or searches for them on line.

He looks at sex sites on occasion just out of curiosity.

He never contacts women online although in the past would chat to old female friends on line without me knowing.

He has always been faithful and I am very confident of this. I suppose what I'm asking is the above acceptable and just normal male (and female?) behAviour? He shows a lot of remorse when things come to light, but I'm just not sure if I overreact or his behaviour is not on.

PhallicGiraffe Fri 07-Jun-13 17:27:17

Normal male behaviour. Only you and you're partner can decide whether or not it is acceptable. It's hard wired into men's brains to find the female form attractive. If you ask him to stop, he might just start doing it secretly. This behaviour doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you.

tattle Fri 07-Jun-13 17:28:45

It is not normal male behaviour,he is showing you no respect when he is googling images of women and women he knows also is a bit iffy.

You are not over reacting at all,if you have expressed that you don't like what he is doing then he should have stopped immediately.

flowery Fri 07-Jun-13 17:31:14

Not normal at all. Perfectly fine and natural for him to notice the female form if he sees someone on a beach, or on telly or whatever.

But actively googling images is very disrespectful.

ImperialBlether Fri 07-Jun-13 17:32:23

Googling women he knows makes him sound like a creep. Googling topless women and letting you know about it sounds disrespectful. Chatting to female friends and deliberately not telling you about it sounds like he wants to keep a little secret life for himself.

Can you not have a long hard discussion with him about how his behaviour makes you think less of him?

Leavenheath Fri 07-Jun-13 17:34:45

No, it really isn't 'normal male behaviour' to keep doing something your partner find disrespectful, demoralising and hurtful. Or to have secret online relationships with other women.

No scientific examination of male brains has found this 'hard wiring' that people speak of, nor is there any scientific evidence that men are more sexually stimulated by pictures than words.

coppertop Fri 07-Jun-13 17:35:16

Actively searching for people he's met is just plain creepy IMHO.

I also wouldn't put up with the "Just out of curiosity" rubbish about sex sites either.

It sounds as though he's sorry that he's been caught out rather than sorry he's actually done these things.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 07-Jun-13 17:36:43

Normal for a male who is a twat as well as creepy.

Startail Fri 07-Jun-13 17:41:22

Googling women he knows in real life is not on.

Googling actress, model, newsreader, weather girl, topless/ naked. perfectly normal. (And I'm not complaining or I'd not be able to google tennis players scantily dressed).

SolidGoldBrass Fri 07-Jun-13 17:45:50

Some people are more interested in looking at pictures/looking at attractive individuals in the street than others are. Some people wank more or spend more time thinking about sex. It's nor freaky behaviour, but given that he knows it upsets you, it's a bit selfish of him to be so indiscreet about it.

Fairypants Fri 07-Jun-13 17:51:53

If he knows it upsets you, normal behaviour would be to stop if its not a big deal. If you were happy with it, it would be a different matter but to repeat knowing how you feel would be a problem for me.
It could be an early indication of addiction if he unable to stop despite it damaging his relationship with you- or he could just be being an insensitive twit.
I'd take issue with it though.

Cinacina Fri 07-Jun-13 17:54:35

Thanks for your thoughts. He is discreet about it, that is the problem. All these things he does in secret until I find out or come across things. He gets terribly upset when found out. He has said that the behaviour since dc4 was because he witnessed the traumatic birth and his behaviour was an outlet!

I am normally a confident woman, take care if myself etc, but his behaviour has made me feel really miserable and I just can't snap out if it. He knows how I feel and I think us genuinely sorry. But is sorry enough?

Cinacina Fri 07-Jun-13 17:55:57

How would you all feel if it was your dh? I know it's a personal thing to each relationship, but I'm interested in what you would think about your dh?

Leavenheath Fri 07-Jun-13 17:58:06

So the secret online chatting to old female friends happened since DC4 was born as well?

I don't think witnessing a traumatic birth leads to having relationships that you don't disclose to your wife, do you?

Badvoc Fri 07-Jun-13 18:00:25

No it's not normal
And I think you know that.

Badvoc Fri 07-Jun-13 18:02:30

Ok.
My dh has seen me stitched back together twice after giving birth to his dc (who sadly have inherited their dads huge head! )
Not every man who is present at a birth then goes and looks and porn and uses porn sites.
So, no.
Not normal.

allaflutter Fri 07-Jun-13 18:02:40

I really don't get it when people say 'men just like looking at female form'!
Yes they do - but he's got a a WIFE at home, so surely that's a female form not unlike any other, why the heck does he need the big numbers of women to look at! especially in cases where sex life with wife is fine and she hasn't changed radically.
I'd hate it OP. I could only handle this in an mutually open 'relationship'.

Witt Fri 07-Jun-13 18:06:13

He has said that the behaviour since dc4 was because he witnessed the traumatic birth and his behaviour was an outlet!

What a pathetic excuse to make. He may have found seeing you in pain etc distressing, that does not mean he should go and do this.

And it's not normal behaviour!

Branleuse Fri 07-Jun-13 18:07:17

its fairly normal I think. Doesn't mean you have to be ok with it though.

jessjessjess Fri 07-Jun-13 18:10:20

Not normal or acceptable IMO. Sorry.

Vivacia Fri 07-Jun-13 18:42:49

If he's sorry he'll stop. I don't know if it's normal behaviour, but my partner doesn't do it.

Saffronshades Fri 07-Jun-13 19:20:38

The internet has now made it possible to reach pics and videos of attractive sexy women with only 2 or 3 clicks of a little mouse in the privacy of one's home when the partner is out. And similarly to search out real women near or far.

In the past a man had to go and buy a mag from the top shelf and hide it somewhere, or go into a cinema that showed sex films. And it was much harder to search out or contact real women. It was all much greater effort and bother.

Now it's easy peasy so what can you expect? The internet has laid temptation at the feet of men. Only some can or even want to resist.

OxfordBags Fri 07-Jun-13 19:33:06

Absolutely not normal, IMHO. I have never experienced a single one of those behaviours in any of my partners, and I have a lot of male friends and a brother, and that's the sort of behaviour they discuss as being sleazy and creepy amongst men they work with, etc.

I'd feel sick and tarnished, somehow, if I discovered I man I'd met via work, or something, was googling me, in the way you describe. It's sleazy, a little bit stalkerish, and it's objectifying women. He's trying to reduce them to wank totems, or bits of image and info to consume. Bleeuch, what a creep. So sorry for you.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 07-Jun-13 19:44:06

No I wouldn't say that's normal at all.

I couldn't swear 100% that DH never looks at images on line but if he does he at least has the decency to keep it secret and if he was it could only be for half an hour or so a week tops. I'm the one with the internet obsession in our household, darn you mumsnet.

Doing it so openly that you are aware that he is googling other women and investigating sex sites is incredibly disrespectful, trying to cover it up by saying he is traumatised by the birth of your child is disgusting.

Has this just been taking place since the birth of DC4? You have every right to let him know how disgusted you are by his behaviour.

greeneyed Fri 07-Jun-13 19:50:17

I'd say looking at images of women online is pretty standard fair. Googling women he knows/ has or is going to meet is not. Wouldn't be happy with that. I'm not happy with the former but DH only been caught out a couple of times and. Don't think he does it a lot so I don't really sweat it anymore

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