Why don't I want to have sex?

[stressedandlonely]

Brief history....
I am 34 and married with a 3 year old dd. Have been with my dh for 6 years, married for 2.
I find the thought of sex repulsive, its not my dh i find repulsive, just sex...with any man. I have no idea why!

I guess I went off sex a little when I was pregnant, before that we had a great sex life. It has dwindled away and now we only do it maybe one or twice every 6 months. Its making me so sad, as i know it makes dh think its him or that I dont find him attractive.

I tries a few times just to do it but I just feel horrible and can't bear being touched. I have put on a lot of weight so I am not happy with myself at all.

I have suffered on and off with anxiety and depression, i take medication for it.

Here is the most embarrassing part (i have to be honest to get answers though) I sometimes like to look at female and female porn to masturbate, not very often, but I am not attracted to women..wtaf is that about?

I desperately want to sort myself out,my poor dh can't wait forever, its not fair on him and i would love to be how we were. Any advice would be so gratefully accepted, i can't go on like this.

[allaflutter]

hmm, as far as loss of libido, it could be he medication. Have you been on it at the the tome you did enjoy sex? Meds can be a bummer

As to female porn, my theory may be a long shot (since you are not attracted to real women), but I think it's linked with you being unhappy with your body as you say, so it turns you on to see females with nice slimmer bodies who look like you used to look - as it's linked to the time you enjoyed sex, so kind of a fantasy or a memory of yourself being sexual.

[Mollydoggerson]

What contraception are you using? Could it be effecting your libido? How are you health wise, are you low on iron?

I went off sex for ages, took the mirena coil out for that and other reasons. Coil has been out a year and now I fantasize about sex. Increased exercise will also boost your libido.

I think it is pretty normal to go off sex when your life is dull with young kids and you are physically run down from looking after them.

I see nothing wrong with a straight woman looking at female porn, the female body is pretty sexy.

[C999875]

Hi Stressed and lonely. Firstly. I am no exert nor do I pretend to be but I did not want to read and run. Well you've taken the first step in being honest about your situation and that should be applauded. Could it be a side effect of the medication. Could you speak to a counseller.
Also remember easy for me to say this I am not you living your life but a little weight on a women is not the end of the world and your husband obviously still loves you. However that said if you are unhappy with self then it's no wonder sex has taken a back seat. As you need to be totally comfortable to let go. Some times a persons sex life can dwindle with age just as it can rise. Also there is this falacy that everyone has to like sex but the fact is some people just don't. xxx

[stressedandlonely]

Thank you for replying....

I have thought about the medication, the thing is thought i do still have a libido, not much of one, but enough to want to do it myself iyswim....

I know that finding myself so unattractive definitely can't help, but.something that has just come to me is that this has happened in 2 previous relationships. My exh didn't want to do it, used porn, blamed his ad medication but admitted he didn't find me as attractive when id gone from a size 12 to a size 16.

We eventually split due to lots of things, but when i got together with ex boyfriend, i went off sex about a year into the relationship. This only lasted a couple of yrs then we split up and i met dh soon after. We had a good sex life until later on in pregnancy.

When he tried to even kiss me i freeze up and feel all yuck...im sure there's something wrong with me!

[stressedandlonely]

Went off contraceptive pill to see if it made a difference, but no. Health wise, apart from being morbidly obese, im ok.

I guess it may be to do with my weight. I feel fat and not so energetic anymore. I am about 7 stone overweight.

[allaflutter]

if it was just weight, I think you'd still enjoy just kissing and cuddling (as far as no need to get exposed iykwim) - and if you still have libido, then it sounds like fear of criticism from DH. On the other hand he still does fancyu you, it seems. Maybe he change his approach with foreplay? give you more compliments too?

[allaflutter]

'he should'

[LEMisdisappointed]

I think this is very much about your self esteem - but i am morbidly obese too, or so im told and i like sex fine, because my DP makes me feel sexy.

Your ex sounds like a dick.

That said, it really has to come from you, belief that you are desirable - which i am sure you are. What medication are you on? certain ADs are known to reduce labido. Also, your screen name suggests that you are not happy with things just now - that is not going to help.

Do you think counselling would help?

I watch porn too - only ever women or women on their own, i find i do this more when i cant be arsed to have sex with another person. I am as straight as straight is, but i just like to look at women sometimes - i think lots of women do. I thin its about how we see ourselves.

[stressedandlonely]

I would try counselling, i don't think dh would, but i would definitely try on my own.

I see what you mean about women watching women, it makes sense....i just wish i knew why i find it all so repulsive with my dh or looking at men and women.

I think im too motherly sometimes, maybe that's it! I told gp once, she just said try doing it more

[wonderingsoul]

I told gp once, she just said try doing it more

she h as a point, the less you do it, the less you want/need to do it, alas the more you do it, the more you want it.

i do think its self esteem issues, i went from very skinny to obease in a year and my god, the thought of getting nakid is just to much to bear, i have to be drunk to do it.

have you told your dh how you feel? that its not him,

i would suggest just simple things liek hugs, holding hands can re connect you, start with little things with out the pressure that you think it has to lead to sex

[LEMisdisappointed]

because cocks are ugly little things :) The gp could have a point, its called fake it til you make it.............

try counselling, it will help xx

[wonderingsoul]

oh and i also like woman porn, and fantasie being with a woman.. but i love cock to much to actually have a relationship with a woman or to do anything in rl..

[allaflutter]

female genitals are no better looking than male imo LEM, but obviously women identify with sexuality of other women so it's not surprising women watch female porn. Reminds you how you could feel!

[WaitakereWaif]

GP should be shot! this is an issue and causing real issues for you
Make an appointment with a different doctor and get some help ... whether counselling or hormonal (which could be the problem!)

[stressedandlonely]

Thank you for your replies, it has given me a bit to think about....I think I maybe could try counselling, I know I will feel better in myself if I lose weight, I hope I havent left things too long...

[C999875]

Stressed and lonely I promise you it's never too late. Good luck. xxx

[wonderingsoul]

agree with c999-- its NEVER too late.

good luck xx

[Earthworms]

My libido is very very strongly linked to my weight. Stupidly so. i am 'normal' bmi at the moment, but if it ever creeps up, I REALLY go off sex.

For me the only cure is excercise until I feel ok about myself again.