A sex issue for an abuse survivor.

[thepixiefrog]

I've just been looking at a website for adult survivors of childhood abuse. A member of the support group states that she believes that it is reasonable for the partner of the survivor to expect sex (a conversation should happen to agree upon an amount of times per week/month etc.), and that even if not in the mood the survivor should do it anyway. If the survivor is male and cannot get aroused enough for sex then he should provide oral/manual stimulation.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse find this approach to sex terrifying. Other members of the group echo this persons attitude, so I really wonder if my dh and I have got it wrong. We haven't had sex for 5 months as I just can't bring myself to (panic attacks and emotional withdrawal ensue).

I'm in the middle of a traumatic but necessary period of healing and dh is very patient and supportive of this. At the moment it works for us this way, but if dh turns round and says his needs have been neglected for too long and he would like to resume our sexlife, what do I do? WIBU to say I'm still not ready, or do I grit my teeth and get on with it?

[onefewernow]

I have no experience of this, but do think that if you can't resolve to mutual satisfaction then you should see a counsellor with specialist expertise .

The website sounds nuts, if that is exactly what they are saying. I do think it is true that no marriage partner should expect a spouse to tolerate long term sexlessness. If there are sad issues for one party, eventually and with support and kindness, they should be willing to work on those issues.

Poor you. Poor both of you, really.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think it's ever wise to say to someone who has been traumatised to say 'grit your teeth and get on with it'. You wouldn't put an arachnophobia sufferer in a situation with a spider-loving partner and expect them to just get on with patting the tarantula to please the partner.

Partners are entitled to say that they need certain things just as much as the survivor is entitled to say that they have to avoid certain things. As long as everyone gets to express their feelings openly and as long as everyone in the relationship feels that they are being respected and listened to and their compromise appreciated then that's fine. But, as with any other relationship issue, if anything smacks of inequality or unfairness, if opinions are ignored, if there is any sense of manipulation or coercion, then what you're looking at is 'incompatibility'. If compromise can't be reached that's not a cue to do something that makes you ill... it's the time to consider if there is a future in the relationship.

[thepixiefrog]

I see a psychotherapist and my dh has a counsellor to deal with his own childhood and for a place to talk about our stuff too. So we're both willing and eager to resolve things and get to a healthier place. I care about his needs and feel sad that I can't meet them. He knows how I feel and is really patient with me. Of course he gets frustrated and upset at times, but he is waiting for me to want to DTD, and would not like the idea of me having sex even though I didn't want to.

The website just struck a nerve really. I just wondered what experience had of this sort of thing, and if dh and I are unwittingly ruining our relationship by avoiding sex.

[Lweji]

Have you had, or are you having, counselling?

I don't think you should force yourself, and providing stimulation without enjoying it at least to some extent resembles abuse/prostitution IMO.

It depends on what you mean by sex, though.
If you mean penetration, strictly, then sure, there are other avenues for mutual enjoyment. Even yours. And it might be beneficial for you to try and slowly engage in those activities. But it should be reciprocal
If you mean generic sexual activity, then you really need to sort out your trauma first.

After all, if enjoyment is to be one sided, he might as well just do it himself.

As a partner, I would be understanding of not wanting to have sex.
But less so if nothing was being done about it in the sense of trying to overcome the abuse issues. Unless they are so deeply rooted that you cannot overcome it. In which case, you'd need to talk with him and clarify the situation.

[DoingItForMyself]

That sounds ludicrous, the kind of 'lie back and think of England' nonsense. Ignore it if that is what they are saying.

However, there probably is an argument for trying to offer some physical affection to your DH even if you don't want any affection for yourself IYSWIM. There are so many different parts to a 'sex life' that it doesn't need to be penetrative or mutual. Any physical 'togetherness' such as kissing, stroking, hugging etc will help to build the connections between you that will make sex an easier step to take in the future. Maybe that's what they were trying to say?

Nobody would expect you to do anything you weren't happy or comfortable with, but if there is a way that you can keep some closeness between you it can only help in the long run. The natural instinct may be to withdraw, but in a partnership you need to rely on each other for support and while he is being very supportive and patient with you, you will also need to be aware of what you can do to help him cope with your relationship issues.

There are so many threads on here about partners withholding sex (for whatever reason - yours being the most understandable) that you may need to accept that your H won't be able to live without sex indefinitely, but he sounds like he is very loving and you are working on healing yourself, so I'm sure you have the best foundations for a happy and full life together.

[thepixiefrog]

I totally agree with you cog (until an hour ago when I read this stuff!)

. In a different section of the website aimed at partners of survivors, it states that avoiding situations that triggers flashbacks/anxiety such as sex or physical intimacy, is counter productive as it means the survivor is not dealing with the issues.

It's so contrary to how we've been dealing with it, yet it also kind of makes logical sense, and now I'm really confused and doubting everything I thought I knew about recovery and healing.

[thepixiefrog]

Doing, yes he's really lovely and supportive. I find any form of physical contact upsetting unless it's on my terms I.e. if he comes in for a cuddle and I didn't expect it then my heart races and I tense up. Some days are worse than others, but I know it won't be like this forever. He sees how much I'm doing to get over it and I think that is enough for him at the moment.

Thanks for your opinions. I'm going to keep doing what we're doing and ignore the website. I was looking for a support group type thing and this has really put me off looking any further :-(

[Slothlorien]

No one should have sex if they don't want to. Survivor or not. That idea makes me feel sick.

[DoingItForMyself]

Pixie, I hope that you can both find ways to make each other happy, it sounds like you're on the right track. Don't let any advice (from this website or even from us!) derail you. Only you know what you're willing and happy to do. As long as you and your lovely DH are ok with the way you're dealing with it now, that's the main thing. x

[thepixiefrog]

Thank you Doing :-)