Fed up with kidult DH, sorry long

[Tweet2tweet]

Okay, I'm just going to state the facts. My DH can be a tremendous pain, he is stroppy, moody and short tempered sometimes. However I don't want to end relationship unless I really have too. So I'm looking for advice on how to handle my situation.

We had dc 2, 8 wks ago. DH is doing cleaning and takes most care of dc1 at mo. I am exclusively bfeeding but in addition I make most meals, food shopping and laundry. I also spend most nights on my own as he goes to spare room so that he's 'not too tired for work'. To date he's been in room for a full night twice and part nights maybe 15 times.

Yesterday I collected everyone in car. He was late- this is where I was a bit petty. He always gives me a hard time when I'm ever late, gets moody etc. So I let him know I'd rushed to be on time and wasn't impressed. He went crazy and really shouted and said he would leave me to organise getting kids home. I calmed him down and he didn't scuttle off.

When we got home he was holding asleep baby, reading magazine as I was doing all dinner prep and watching oldest. Baby woke up so told him to take over dinner so I cd bfeed. He really lost his temper and stormed off. He then made the very easy, simple dinner I started. Because he had closed us all in front room and my hands weren't free due to bfeeding, when ready I ased him to get door and escort oldest to kitchen. He went crazy again and told me I was pushing him too far. I told him to calm down and not act like a child. He went mental and grabbed his jacket to leave house. At that point I said I would need to ring his parents for help if he was to storm off. He then said that if I did that I was a f'ing c&nt and I should F off, all in front of children. He then rushed passed me so roughly that he caught babies head.

He took his dinner into front room and left me with children. Rest of evening made comments about how hateful I am and kept telling kids how much daddy loved them, ie trying to use them to get at me. They were both howling when he was shouting at me.

Anyway, how I feel now is that I can't respect or maybe even love someone who speaks to me like that. I tried to discuss it with him and his response is that I brought it on myself for being so hateful. I specifically mentioned the horrible names he used and his response was 'well' and that I had been horrible to him about being late!

He goes on a lot about how he does everything, not true, and doesn't seem to have any understanding that exclusively bfeeding is a job in itself. I just want to try and get through to him so that we can salvage any possibility to have a relationship. Any tips or advice?

[wispa31]

hes a cock. a big one. sorry :( you poor woman. would be worth asking his parents to take the dc for a couple of hours so you can sit down with him without the dc there and talk? though personally, if it were me i would be telling him to fuck off to his parents until hes ready to grow up and show/treat you with respect.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh, well it's not the kidult tendencies that are the main problem, it's that he is aggressive, abusive and cannot control his anger.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now with this individual?.

How much more of this are you willing to put up with?. You've all seen far too much already.

Why don't you want to end the relationship unless you have to?. Fear of being alone with two children to look after?. Fear of "failure?". You have not failed here, he has.

You cannot salvage a relationship with an entitled manchild on your own. He has to want to put the effort in and clearly he is not bothered to do so.

I would be talking to Womens Aid in your particular circumstances.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. That's right - none. There is no justification at all for any of his actions towards you, all he has done by blaming you is abdicated all responsibility for his actions. He is not at all remorseful, he thinks he is right all the time.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this poor role model of one?.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

So you want advice on how to stay with a man who treats you like shit?

Sorry, I can't in good conscience do that.

My advice would be to tell him that he is an aggressive bully and you aren't prepared to accept being his punch bag.

And when you say that he 'passed you' so roughly that he hurt the baby - you mean he shoved you into something and caught the baby, don't you?

[onefewernow]

Stop reasoning with him, stop giving him lifts and focus on yourself and the children. And think about what next.

He might just ruin this baby year for you.

Wanting him to be kind and considerate wont make him so.

Don't try to understand him. It isn't your issue. The effects on you are your issue.

[Lweji]

TBH, I think you have to be prepared to tell him to go if you want to have any hope of getting him to at least respect you enough to last you until the baby is a bit older.

I don't hold much hope for the future of your marriage unless he recognises he's being awful. Well, actually, abusive.

The way he caught the baby's head should be a big deal, and if he hasn't been all apologetic by that, then it may actually be better if he does leave.

[Morgause]

Yes, he's an arse.

But I'm not sure why you told him you'd have to ring his parents for help. You'd have managed fine on your own. Lots of women do.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Now that the relationship has descended into open aggression I think the only way forward from this is to take a break from each other. This is not a case of 'getting through' to him and 'understanding', this is a case of a man thinking he can get away with bullying a woman because there will be no consequences. 'Stroppy, moody and short-tempered' just says 'deliberate bully' to me.... no more, no less.

[Chunkamatic]

He's behaved appallingly and there's no excuse for that. You deserve a big apology and he needs to see why he was wrong to react the way he did.

Is it possible he is feeling depressed? My DH found it very hard when both our DS's were tiny and that caused some fairly knobbish behaviour. Coupled with my (normal) post birth exhaustion and emotion there were some scenes not all to dissimilar to what you describe.

I'm not excusing his behaviour BTW and you have every right to be angry and upset with him. Maybe think about whether this is truly out of character for him, or whether he is in fact just a knob.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think it's out of character. My DH can be a tremendous pain, he is stroppy, moody and short tempered sometimes. ... . and the story about how he reacts when the OP is late suggests this is his normal MO

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

If he's feeling so hard done by I'm surprised he uses up so much energy ranting and raving. Suggest he go to his parents for the weekend thereby getting him out of the way so you can seriously think what you want to do next.

[cestlavielife]

he isn't going to change is he?

blaming you for his shouting is classic isn't it?
tell him he goes off to his parents for a while so you and dc can live in peace - if he continues not to accept that shouting etc is a problem then you have little choice - it isn't fair on dc to live with someone like this

[ofmiceandmen]

OP You havent actually mentioned how he was before the birth of your 2nd DC.

if this is a change from his 'normal' behaviour? if it is then perhaps this is a matter of his inability to cope. more than it is an overt desire to be abusive.
What he did was over the line and an 'LTB' offense and he needs to understand that (whatever way that is - time away or via a third party). but more importantly and your immediate concern is that you both need help.
No idea how old your 1st DC is but I'm guessing he/she is not that old which effectively means your DH virtually became a full time parent and still has work (and whatever issues he may be having there).
Call in the folks, call friends in, get an aupair, -- do something, before it's too late (assuming you want to make it work)

You are two tensed out individuals, both lacking sleep and exhausted, both waiting to pop and in the tit for tat cycle (you make a point to complain about the lateness, he makes a point to show you he's had enough)... it's a downward spiral.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I bet he's always been a bit of a cock, really, in that I expect his needs have always been the ones that took priority in your relationship. This is one of the reasons why abuse often 'starts' either during pregnancy or when there is a newborn in the family - the man always had the mindset of an abuser in that he considered his partner to be less important than him, and himself entitled to punish her for disobeying him or not induging his whims quickly enough. But a lot of women are brought up with the idea that you have to please men and defer to them, and that marriage is about eating shit 'working at it' so they don't tell the man to fuck off and get over himself.

I think you need to put this man out of the house, at least temporarily. Tell him if he doesn't leave you will call the police and report his assault on you. He needs putting firmly in his place ie your partner and not your owner, and, if you think the marriage is worth saving, he needs to understand that any more aggression from him and you will file for divorce and involve the police if necessary. Good luck - but don't let him get away with this sort of behaviour.

[Tweet2tweet]

Thanks for all your messages. Gave me confidence to say that I was not willing to accept what happened. I'm usually pretty laid back so I think my taking a stand was good.
I think what a few have said, this is a change from his normal behaviour is correct. I never thought about him being down or depressed. However this does seem to make a lot of sense.
One thing I know for sure though, I am not going to put up with another scene like that one.

[VenusUprising]

I think he's depressed.

Hope your GP has some advice for you, and very timely treatment for him.

Good luck to you all.

[VenusUprising]

SGB as usual has very good advice if he's just being a knob.