Winding down a friendship

[Earlybird]

I am friendly with a couple who have 2 dd (their oldest is my dd's best friend at school). We've spent a lot of time together over the past few years - days out, parties, dinners out, etc. But I have been thinking for the past few months that I'm not sure I enjoy the friendship any more.

I'd like some objective views on the following recent text exchange:

Me: Would you and the family like to come swimming on Tuesday afternoon and maybe have dinner after (we are not in the UK, and I am a member of a health club with a pool). It's lovely weather, and would be good to see you all.

Them: Tuesday won't work, but maybe Thursday or Friday. Let us check our schedule and get back to you.

Me: Ok, sounds good. Let me know when you've figured it out.

......three days pass with no communication..........

Them (on Wednesday evening): Tomorrow looks a brilliant day for the pool. Wife has an evening work commitment, and husband might go out with a friend to see a band. Would you like to have X for the night (this is dd's best friend)?

Me: Sure, that can work. We can be at the pool by 5.00, so meet us there anytime after that. DD has plans for Friday, so while a sleepover is good, you'll need to pick X up in the morning.

Them: Um, have you seen the weather for tomorrow? Not sure the pool will be a good option. We will collect X by 8.30 Friday morning.

Thoughts?
Would you say anything, or just let things drift apart?
This 'friendship' is over, isn't it?

[Pancakeflipper]

Taking that text conversation on its own it wouldn't bother me. I would think they were busy/preoccupied if I thought about it at all. I think I might be missing the point about the texts tbh as it seems like its just not convenient for anyone.


But there's history to this is isn't there? Do you feel like you are chasing and they are faffing and messing you about?

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I would say that they were trying to use me for free childcare. [cynical]

[Plopsicle]

So you invited them out as a whole family and they have basically taken that as an opportunity to palm their DD off on you for the whole night?

[carabossse]

What happened between them saying:

Tomorrow looks a brilliant day for the pool.

And

have you seen the weather for tomorrow? Not sure the pool will be a good option.?

Did the forecast change dramatically and suddenly?

In any case, it sounds like you suggested a day for everyone to meet up for a specific activity. They suggested a different day then later suggested a different activity. Unless you both help each other with free childcare , this seems cheeky. Will you go ahead with the overnight stay? It seems like you offered for them to tag along on something you and your daughter planned to do, but they've asked you not to do the activity and also to have their daughter overnight. I'd cancel the whole thing.

[BalloonSlayer]

Well lets see . . . you invited them as a family to go swimming and have dinner. That's lovely of you.

They didn't want to go when you suggested, and left you hanging for three days. Rude!

They then suggested a day when neither of them could actually be present. They don't want to see you socially

They invited their DD to yours for a sleepover. Rude! They also used the phrase "would you like to have DD for a sleepover?" They think they are doing you a favour by "letting" you provide free childcare for their adorable daughter for the night. This makes my Freeloader/Our Kids Are More Wonderful Than Yours And You Are Privileged to Look After Them Klaxon go AWOOOGA!

They then try to dictate what you do with your time when you are looking after their DD for free while they are doing their own thing and not socialising with you as originally invited. Rude Rude Rude Rude Bloody Bloody RUDE

If your DD doesn't yet know about this trip I think I'd be tempted to text back, "OK lets leave it then" and not bother ever again.

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

They sound dreadful. Dump them.

[Earlybird]

Thanks for your feedback. It makes interesting reading.

As far as what happened between the 'awesome day for the pool' text and the 'have you seen the weather' text - nothing. The two texts came within 15 minutes of each other. I had not checked the weather (assumed they had since they mentioned what a good day it would be to swim).

I think they were trying to take advantage of the offer of time together, but only for X. They obviously had other plans for themselves, and knew the girls would be thrilled to see each other. So, dd is getting to see her best friend and I am providing free babysitting/food/bed for the night.

The irony is I'd be happy to have their dd for the night - if they had asked in a straightforward way. As it is, it is rude.

[carabossse]

Well you know where you stand with them and it's your choice how you react. People treat you exactly how you let them.

[wheredidiputit]

What would happen if you were to text back yes, if they have your DD saturday for a sleepover.

[Earlybird]

ballonslayer - you've captured it beautifully. They always word it that way: 'do you want X for the night/afternoon' when they need a favour. Drives me mad.

Have also noticed that DD and X usually spend time at ours. This family used to invite us over regularly, but the invitations have all but stopped. The family is committed to widening X's social circle (they have told me they don't want X to have just one best friend), so now invite A,B, C over to play (X quite cheerfully shares this information with dd) and we mainly see X when the parents need somewhere to 'park' her.

I think i am done. But the problem is dd and X adore each other.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Well, seems to me that if dd and X adore each other, presumably they'll see each other at school? And if X is truly that into your dd, she'll pester for her to come round to theirs? If you get another 'would you like to have X?' text, try something along the lines of 'sure, although dd wouldn't mind coming to yours for a change?'. That is fairly explicit, not pushy but will let them know you've cottoned on.
Oh - and I wouldn't be having X over for a wee while.
They sound like users, social climbers and not very nice. And X will develop all those tendencies and be some sort of Queen Bee in your dd's social circle. So I'd be a bit careful of what you nurture between the pair of them, personally....
What a total arse of a situation. Feel sorry for you and your daughter....

Essentially - you can't worry about what they're thinking. Decide on your game, stop allowing them to headfuck you and find new friends for your dd.

[Earlybird]

Priceless!

I've just had a text from the Dad asking if it is ok to drop Y (X's little sister) off at 5 tonight.....followed by 'never mind' a minute later. Clearly he is palming X's little sister off on some other mug for the evening, and sent me the wrong text!

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Well, why don't you text him just that? That would soon resolve issues one way or the other...

(doesn't really mean it, but kind of wishes OP would do it anyway...)

[whiteandyellowiris]

oh I find it hard to break off with friends too, lurks for ideas

[Earlybird]

Yes, i wish I had the guts to text that reply back too. But I don't.

I'll just leave it at a quiet but firm 'finally learned my lesson', I think.

[Dozer]

They sound like PITA, especially the "would you like to have X" when they're asking you for a favour!

I would personally be fairly breezy with the parents, and still invite their DD round, when convenient for you of course, since she and your DD are good friends. You can just change your relationship with the parents, it need not mean the children change theirs much.

[Earlybird]

Dozer - good advice to be 'fairly breezy' with the parents. I was prepared to do just that this morning - but he did it first/better!

When the Dad came to collect X, I opened the front door and the Dad immediately said 'X, do you have your things ready? Something's come up, we've got to get going.....can't linger'. I asked if everything was OK, and he said yes, and that they'd give us a call next week. So, their dd collected her bag and they were gone - just like that. I was left standing on the front steps thinking 'hang on - I've fed your dd dinner and breakfast, taken her swimming, and had her for the night - and THAT is how you treat me?'

Seems the friendship might be over from their side too - simply run its' course - unless, they need a hand with something! So, why do I feel a mixture of anger (at them for treating me this way and at myself for allowing it), disappointment, and hurt?

[samuelwhiskers]

They sound appallingly rude and just users. Don't be hurt, you have cottoned on to their behaviour now and can move on. Don't have their DD for as long as your DD allows and if she wants to see her friend, then send them a text asking them the same thing " would you like my DD for a playdate?" then see what happens! Try and find your DD another friend to socialise with too, widen her circle a bit.

[Kikithecat]

it's normal you feel that way, but it happens to the best of us so don't take it to heart.

[gayman31]

I would get rid of them. They come across like they only want to meet when its convenient for them. Get some new friends op. Good luck.

[BalloonSlayer]

I was thinking about this thread last night and what I said about them thinking their DD is so much better than everyone else- I think that's what's behind them "wanting her to have other friends." They think she's so fantastic that everyone else wants to be her friend too and it's only right, only kind that they share her utter fabulousness with the rest of humanity. They don't get it that she and your DD are best friends and want to spend time with each other, because that's what little girls are like.

[schobe]

Just switch to offering very specific things for X, e.g. would X like to come swimming and then for dinner/sleepover on Thursday?

If they say Thursday no good, then either say, ok better luck next time or offer an alternative yourself. I'd be inclined to say any alternatives they suggest are not convenient until they get the idea that YOU are offering the dates here and are not just a childcarer for their convenience.

I don't think I'd be able to refrain from a passive aggressive 'you're welcome' though if he continues to pick up in that vein.

Adult friendship over, but no reason why your DDs can't still be friends.

[monkeynuts123]

Cancel this arrangement and don't initiate any more. Sound rude.

[Earlybird]

Thanks again for the perspective and advice. You've all given me food for thought.

Two newer developments:

1. The father called to apologise for his abrupt demeanour he collected his dd after the sleepover. Explanation: hungover. No 'thank you for having her' was offered, however. Just a story about horrendous traffic in town when he was out on the lash that evening.
   
2. Voicemail left at 18.45 last night, followed by a text 30 minutes later asking if we wanted to come to theirs anytime up 'til 20.30 for a drink (they live 20 minutes drive away from us). I responded via text this morning thanking them for the invite.
   

This is the way they treat us - in some ways, superficially nice, but not quite thoughtful or considerate.

Alpinepony - yes, I had a previous thread. Well remembered.