Going through the emotional wringer re separation

[Brassica]

My husband left me and our 2yo twins almost 4 months ago to go and live with an OW. I had discovered his affair last year and we (I) were working on fixing it but then he left anyway.

I was numb to start with and just focused on keeping body and soul together, throwing myself into work, very clear on what we needed to do for the children - everyone thought I was coping brilliantly. That was also the time when I could hardly move for offers of company, phone calls etc and they are getting further apart now time is going on, yet I need help now.

In terms of emotions, I'm in an angry and sad/depressed stage now. I barely seem to have any days where I don't feel either of them, and it's becoming too much to manage. My children are incredibly demanding at the moment - defiant, having tantrums, testing boundaries - and although I don't think they are too upset by their dad leaving, it's hard to tell how much of the hard work is down to them simply being toddlers and how much is possibly emotional distress.

I lose my temper with them such a lot now. I just don't know that the heat is rising until I am shouting - I don't seem to get any warning signs that would allow me to step away and count to 10. It is like a switch being flicked, and it doesn't help (but perhaps is a good thing in the long run) that they don't seem to take me seriously when I am shouting. They laugh and act up all the more. It gets so that I actually dread time with them, because I fear them being difficult and me not being able to keep control. I don't think they respect me.

This sort of stuff was supposed to be managed as a partnership, and now I find myself having to do it all alone on top of feeling bereft, humiliated, angry and lonely, and trying to manage a difficult job plus all the day to day stuff. It feels as though I haven't got the energy for it.

Mentally I feel weighed down by so many thoughts. I am always thinking about the next thing that has to be done. I find making a decision on almost anything impossible because of the muddle in my head.

Friends are generally more available on weeknights than at weekends, when I need help to fill the time. I know they are busy with their own lives, most of them have children - but I worry that they get fed up with me moping around and even that they don't want me hanging around their relationship - like it might be catching. My parents aren't very nearby and are in their 70s so they worry a lot about not being much practical help. They also transmit quite a lot of doom-prophesying onto me (he's ruined my life, I won't be able to cope, she must have offered something that I didn't...) - I try to defend my mind against that robustly but to be honest I do worry that I can't do it alone and that I'll never be able to attract anyone again.

He sees them frequently (3 times a week) but always at my house because he has moved to the other side of the city and can't ferry them back and forth, it would take hours. So he is always in my face and although he's pleasant to me I can't stand him being around.

I just don't really know which way to turn and although I think all of the above is perfectly normal (probably), it is too much to cope with toddler twins, a difficult job, a marriage breakdown and a complete self-esteem crisis. Please help me figure out what I can do.

[Change2013]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My children were older but I know from experience how hard it is. One thing I would say is dont have your ex in the house, it really helps to minimise contact. I know your children are young but is there a reason ex can't have them for longer periods, working up to overnight so you have a break?

[stickthekettleon]

Hi Brassica. I think youre losing your temper out of fear. it can make you flick that switch as youve described. You need to find a mantra that works for you in calming you down quickly by removing the general fear you're probably feeling about the future. Eg if "It will all be alright in the end. If its not alright yet then it's not yet the end". Or break down your day into segments and tick off each one as you go, focussing on keeping calm for this one etc.

You'll be ok. You're in shock still and scared and feeling abandoned and resentful that you are having to make all the decisions and do the drudgery by yourself. But remember that parenting and closeness with your kids comes from the every day. He's missing out on that.

Wishing you love and luck x

[Brassica]

Thanks both (I didn't think anyone was going to reply!)

What you say in your last paragraph stick really resonates. I have been resenting that I have all the drudgery and he just breezes in and takes them out for fun...it doesn't seem fair, and I haven't got a lot of energy left over to also try being 'fun mummy'. But you're right that closeness must come from being there all the time. I do feel I need to fix the sudden loss of temper and the way they run rings around me. Just wish I had someone else on hand who could step in and back me up or give me 5 minutes off when it gets too hard

[onefewernow]

Accept that you don't have that, it's easier. Unless you can afford an aupair. When I was in this situation on my late twenties I took in a student as a lodger, who was mid twenties and great.

Please let go and make him sort out his tune away from the house. Thus will give you a proper break and help you detach. So you can find a bit of time to think.

[onefewernow]

Time not tune

[Roma2013]

Soon, are they not eligible to go to Playgroup? I hv older kids but am sure 2.5 yr olds hv a few sessions a week (not sure if this is government paid or if that s when they reach 3). Someone else may advise. I think this at least would give you a bit of breathing space

[Bant]

Is it possible for their father to have them overnight sometimes? Some of the time at weekends?

[slug]

Bant is right. Now is the time to start formalising contact. A good starting point is one night a week and every other weekend. NOT at your house either.

[skyeskyeskye]

I went no contact with my XH and it has helped me. I certainly wouldnt have him in the house. I think that you do need to look at building up to him having them for longer periods of time, although of course it will be horrible without them being around, it sounds like you do need a bit of space and time to yourself.

I find myself getting irate with DD 5yo at times, but all I can do is step away from the situation. None of this is her fault, and she is just a little girl, but when they start pushing your buttons, it is very difficult to stay calm sometimes.

I did a parenting course with my local Sure Start Childrens Centre, called Incredible Years. I found it quite helpful, and made some new friends at the same time. I think that your children have to be 3yo or older though, although they may make an exception if you ask them, thats assuming that you have anything like that near to you of course.

I also worry that I won't meet anybody else, but with that mindset, I probably wont.... it takes time and you need to heal and look after yourself and one day in the future, when you are ready, you will meet somebody

[sweetpeasunday]

Agree that contact needs to be away from the house, the house needs to be your space, and then you can get on top of routines etc which work for you. My youngest dc is 2.5, just two at time of split, and he is much, much more settled since there are clear boundaries. I am also less stressed.

In terms of the temper, would it help to keep a log to identify triggers? I am ratty, though no longer shouty, pre-contact and I have to work very hard to maintain calm. Also, the usual advice, if you lose it, make sure dcs are safe and step outside the room for a couple of minutes.

And ask your parents not to mention it if they can't say anything positive. You are doing ityourself, you have identified issues and are looking for ways of addressing them, and it is early days. Go easy on yourself, and honestly get a contact schedule away from your house, which gives you a reasonable break from having to see him. Your head will be MUCH clearer.

[Goofymum]

The thing is you're going through one of the most stressful times of your life and you are angry and resentful and you haven't even got the time to get over it because you have the twins to look after and keep some stability for, it must be so so tough. If you didn't have the chilldren you could allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, you'd maybe stay in bed, wail at the top of your lungs, but you can't do any of that because you have to keep going for the twins. I'm not surprised you're snapping.

I'm wondering if you need to talk to someone? Does your work have a counselling service, I know my job provides an employeee assistance programme that is anonymous and they provide counselling for all sorts of things. Do you have a good friend who you could talk to?

Either that, or like others have said for their father to have the kids on a more formal basis, sometimes overnight to give you a break from the physical and mental demands of toddler twins and give you a chance to heal.

[marryinhaste]

Oh, I just had to respond to this - it is my life, too. My h left 8 months ago, and I have 2 DCs (5 and 2). I also have had to put up with him coming round to the house when he felt like it, whilst inwardly seething about the fact that he is now living a single, carefree life.

I have written many posts on here about the unfairness of it all, how pissed off I was when he cancelled on the kids yet again, or how he didn't give a shit when both the kids had a vomiting bug and I had to deal with it all alone. I feel like I've now come out of the other side - I no longer resent him, I just pity him for being such a shit dad. What has helped me massively is that he now isn't coming around to my house. In fact, he hasn't been in touch at all in nearly a month. Now, this isn't ideal for the kids, but I have realised that even if he does get back in touch I will never let him spend time in the house again - it just messed with my mind too much, and stopped me moving on.

I also had everyone here telling me to stop letting him in the house, and they were so right. I can't believe the difference it has made to my thinking. Before, I was clinging to the fact that having him help out at one bedtime a week was really good for me, but it truly wasn't.

I also know what you mean about it being hard once the initial support is gone. I have a full-on professional career, and I haven't taken much time off at all since the split, but recently I have felt that this is all really affecting my performance at work, but because the split was so long ago I don't feel that I can use it as an excuse. And I am very lonely in the evenings, as I have no local support at all. But now the fog is starting to clear without ex bringing me down, I feel positive about the future.

Sorry for the garbled essay! I hope you reach a turning point soon, too!

[Leavenheath]

Two things are going to help.

A break of some sort where you can re-charge your batteries. Could a good friend or your parents look after them for one or two nights?

Him no longer coming to the house and to start having them overnight on a regular basis. It's ridiculous that he gets to do the Disney dad routine and has none of the early mornings and tantrums.

[PurpleThing]

I am getting divorced and have ONE 2yo. It is bloody hard so I feel for you with twins.

Agree with everyone that you need to get him to stop coming round for contact. if he's moved across town, his problem, he needs to take responsibility for his contact and you need space.

Two year olds are batty so if you are fuming away inside about all the injustice and then they draw on something with your eyeliner, its hard to keep your cool. Then they start babbling about Daddy - ARRGH! A proper regular break will help, plus time to get over the hurt.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

ExH moved out on 30th June last year the first 5 months were the worst, I have a mature 9year old girl so puberty is looming and other boundaries are being pushed.
Once I stopped coming in the house and got the keys back and became firmer about his responsibilities I began to feel quite a lot better basically because I felt I was more in control.
After Christmas I joined a rockchoir on a night that ExH has DD. This has really helped once a week meeting people who don't know my situation. Plus I have fun just for me.
So a year on I am feeling much better and I am definitely in control. DD is more settled as we have our established routine here and then she goes to her Dad's and has a feral lifestyle there.
One thing that I choose early on was that I didn't have DD that first Christmas - it wasn't the most fun day I have ever had, but I have done that first. DD and I then had our Christmas on another day and established our own new tradition.
At the moment you are probably still struggling through quite a few firsts that you just have to get behind you.
Really my message is you are in probably the worst bit by now, but it does get better.

[Wellwobbly]

Hi, are you not very good with confrontation in other parts of your life?

You are in a pattern where you don't react to them until you lose it.

One thing that really, really helped for me was to imagine there was a camera in the corner and a social worker was watching me - however stupid, it got me to apply external 'brakes' on my anger.

Do watch supernanny if you can. Calmly stating your objection to the behaviour straight away, calmly warning of the consequences and calmly carrying them out.

When you don't step in with rules, they are left in a space and will 'push it', to find you.

They are in the striving for independence stage, and it takes a lot of inner strength not to feel attacked by them. I will dig out some of my psychology books and get back to you.

How horrible relationship breakdown is.

[worsestershiresauce]

From a different angle, please tell your friends what you have told us on here. People forget after a certain period of time, but it doesn't mean they have stopped caring. I've just had a very good friend blow up at me, and basically write me out of her life because I forgot to ask after her father. Her mum died 5 months ago, and although I was there for her at the time, I admit I had stopped asking her how she or her dad were coping. 4 or 5 months to someone outside of the situation is ages. To her the pain is just as bad as it was on day 1. As it is for you.

Your friends probably see you outwardly coping and think you are fine. You aren't, you're still suffering. I'm sure they'd be there if they knew.

[willdivorcesoon]

I can't really add much in the way of advice as I am at a very similar stage. My h left 6 months ago. We have 2 children aged 5 & 2.

So much of what you say resonates with me. I find it incredibly hard to make decisions as too many things are going through my head. I also lose my temper over stupid things with the children but the advice above about
imagining a social worker in the room is a really good tip.

Have you had any counselling. I had some and intend to start it up again as it does help to have someone neutral to vent to. I had 10 sessions in all and probably cried through at least 8 of them!

I have to go out now but will check back later and add more.

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

I found the first few years extremely draining and felt like I wasn't moving on at all, I went no contact over a year ago and its the best thing I could have done, my xh was going back and forward and using visits to talk to me and 'plan our future'.

I realise not everyone can do this but if you have feelings left over it is the best option.

I was with my xh for 19 years in total, it will be 3 years this year (don't want to give too much out) but over the last few months something has changed, the way I feel about him, the marriage everything has changed.

I have a book if you are interested and a CD, How to Mend Your Broken Heart by Paul McKenna, I never got round to reading it tbh but it comes highly recommended. PM me if you would like it.

[Brassica]

Thank you all so much. Getting the clear message that contact at my house needs to stop.

I should clarify that I do get nights off fairly regularly - he has taken them away to visit family overnight quite a few times now (and doing so tomorrow too) and it is at my insistence that he hasn't yet had them to stay in his new place. I don't want them meeting Her...but I am now starting to think that this should start to happen for a few reasons (not least to stop him getting off lightly on the tantrum front and always having a familiar extra pair of hands to help out when he visits family - he doesn't get an accurate idea of what raising them is like at the moment).

I have even had a few days away on my own - he agreed to look after them solo while I did. It did me good in terms of unblocking the emotions that needed to come out, but of course that has left me finding it a bit harder to cope as I am that much more emotional.

Wellwobbly yes, I am crap with confrontation. It's not that I want them to be my friends but that I just hate to witness sadness and upset. I know tantrums aren't genuine sadness, but still I always want them basically to be calm and content, and when what's setting them off is something trifling like having the lid taken off their cup (!) I go what the hell and oblige. But then it's a slippery slope to things that aren't reasonable and I suppose I struggle to decide where the dividing line is that I say no to. Gutless it feels.

You're dead right that I don't react at the right time, only doing so when I am at flipping point. Sweetpeasunday I think I have spotted that it's more likely to happen when I am thirsty (bizarrely enough) or perhaps hungry. Sometimes when they are in full throttle I don't get to stop and drink or eat anything and maybe that's part of it. But it would also help if I drew the line somewhere a lot earlier in the process.

Going to look up Supernanny and Paul McKenna's book. I have to say that all books about twins totally overplay how difficult the first year will be, and leave you hanging when it comes to being divided and ruled. This is what they're doing, you'd swear it was a military tactic .

[Leavenheath]

You're being a bit too hard on yourself, I should think.

Having a demanding job and being a LP to two terrible twos would challenge most people, let alone someone who's been dealing with heartbreak and the dissolution of her marriage.

Your parents little gems of crap wisdom can't be helping with that either .

You're wise to let him have them at his place now. Let's not hope he's got wipe-clean furniture and walls?

Any chance of an uproarious weekend away with some very funny friends?

[sweetpeasunday]

Re the wipe clean furniture and walls, I very much hope that dc2 demonstrates his destructive streak creativity when he finally goes to my exes house. (At the moment, they are just doing days out).

But back to the point, re triggers, aside from contact days, Thursday mornings are always hard for me, because I am tired, things are getting disorganised and needing a good clean up, and this is where recognising the potential for meltdowns helps. No matter how tired I am, I get stuff ready the night before and steel myself to ignore the chaos. Ex was a neat freak, so part of it is trying not to think what he would say about it. If I start to think about what he would say or do, I get even more stressed.

On your point about drinks, regular snack times and drinks for dc? Make sure you eat and drink yourself then too. Even if they only sit still for five minutes, you have had something. DC2 is fairly boisterous, so I agree with Leavenheath, you are doing well with two.

The other thing is, this is a process, it will slowly get better, you will sort the contact issue, dcs will get more settled, you will have time to breathe...

[getlucky]

It must be so difficult being on your own with toddler twins. I am separated with young children and yes it is bloody hard and is getting harder. I keep thinking if I can just get through the next year (yes, I think I've got a year of shit ahead!) I will come out the other side. I know what you mean about not feeling like the best mum all the time. But I am sure there are times when you make up for it. Just hang on in there, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. What else can you do?