Moving on after seperation, 2 years on, still struggling.

[StoneBear]

I'm 2 years down the line after leaving my exH and setting up home in a new town, with my 3 pre school aged DCs. I was suffering from depression when I left, and after counsellling from both a psychiatrist and psychologist, I felt that it was my bad relationship that was the cause of my depression. This epiphany led me to leave, as I felt I couldn't recover without doing so. My exH was a drinker, a functioning alcoholic, and a well respected academic. When drunk he could be verbally and physically abusive, and when sober he could be cruel and hurtful. But at times he could be funny, kind and generous.

My depression got better, I've been off medication for 18month, discharged from psychiatry, and have got a great job, and house. My DCs are doing OK, the eldest (7y now) still suffers, but we're plodding on. The DCs see their Dad every second weekend, with my ex in laws always there as well. My ex SIL has cut me off, but my in laws and exH are civilised to me.

The thing is, although I know it was the right thing to do, I still feel sad about it. I know I'm not depressed, the feeling is different. I feel sad for what we lost, the fact my kids wont grow up with their biological parents together. I miss my ex, he was the love of my life, although I know it seems mad to feel like that towards someone that could be abusive.

I now have a new partner, we've been together for 18months, and he's great company, I can see us being together long term, but I cant help but miss my ex.

I have read the Lundy thingy books, and done a lot of soul searching.

I know my kids are better off without an abusive Dad, and a miserable Mum.

What I want to know is:

is this normal 2 years on?
what can I do to move on?

maybe I need my arse kicked, maybe I need reassurance, I just want to feel better.

Thanks for reading x

[ticktocktammy]

no one answered, I will.
just that it is sad and always will be. sounds like you loved each other but it did not work out. but it will get less, not important, but immediate. something that you think about sometimes but not always.
go on with your life, this is life.

[EllaFitzgerald]

I think you've answered your own question. You're sad for what you lost, which is completely understandable. But he is not just the good bits; the funny, kind and generous bits. He is also the physically and emotionally abusive bits. The cruel bits. You're grieving for what your relationship could have been if those bad bits hadn't been there.

It helped me to think of something awful my ex did, whenever I started thinking about the nice parts of him.

[ticktocktammy]

it helped me to do the opposite; when I got bitter, I remembered the good bits, the times we were happy and loved each other. don't rewrite history or make life black and white whens it grey.