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To anyone that's 'cut people out'....

(27 Posts)
BetterNotBitter Sun 02-Jun-13 09:38:46

How did you tell them that was it? And once you did how did you hold your resolve? Do you ever feel guilty? Do you get the urge to contact them and if so how do you stop yourself? Does it get easier with time?

delilahlilah Sun 02-Jun-13 09:41:12

It depends who they are. How 'close' they are before you cut them out - immediate family / friend etc
It also depends what communication was like previously. Can you provide a bit of an outline?

TurnipCake Sun 02-Jun-13 09:41:21

I told them before I did that I was cutting contact, though they didn't seem convinced at the time.

Never felt guilty, even when they tried to contact me. Sometimes the temptation is there, but I would think about all the horrible things they said/did and it would pass, then I would do something nice for myself. Writing an angry letter you never send is also helpful.

It does get easier with time provided you use cutting contact as a means to move on in your own life.

wannabedomesticgoddess Sun 02-Jun-13 09:48:14

How did you tell them that was it?

I didnt.

And once you did how did you hold your resolve?

They have hurt me so much over such a long period that its not that hard. They were very close family. But I just have to get on with it.

Do you ever feel guilty?

Yes. Now and again.

Do you get the urge to contact them and if so how do you stop yourself?

Very occasionally I do get the urge. But then I remember all the shit and it quickly passes.

Does it get easier with time?

Yes, it does. Its compartmentalised for me now. I have a new life, they dont know where I live, have never met DD2 or my DP. Two years on it still feels like yesterday, but also like a seperate life completely.

Offred Sun 02-Jun-13 09:49:16

Yeah depends. If it's a friend who has done something to provoke the cutting of contact then I've told them directly at the time they did it that I found it extremely offensive and then I have simply stopped speaking to them. If it has been something that bamboozled me at the time I have emailed them explaining how I feel and then stopped speaking to them. Sometimes if I have become disinterested then I've just stopped seeking them out and stopped hanging out with them as much. If it has been family I have made an effort to tell them I was cutting contact/cutting it down and why in person because I think friendship is between equal adults and is not required or guaranteed and trying to talk about the end of a friendship just makes it into a big deal unnecessarily, better to challenge things they say/do that you dislike and let it quietly die for all involved but there is an expectation that family relationships will continue and I think they need to be handled more directly and honestly especially if there are power imbalances (parent/child).

LadyintheRadiator Sun 02-Jun-13 09:54:24

I didn't tell them really - stormed out after a huge display of selfishness on their part, and didn't contact them again - another family member has urged me to get in touch a few times over the years (13 since I saw them) but I haven't taken any notice of this. No guilt, no remorse, no regret. It was easy from day one for me. A relief, no more fucking obligation to someone who added nothing to my life.

I am talking about my dad, fwiw.

something2say Sun 02-Jun-13 10:10:23

I cut out my neighbour, after repeated instances of temper tantrums on her part, ignoring me for not doing her favours and posting cryptic stuff on Facebook about me. After several years of this, and one big talk about it, I cut he off. I stopped contacting her, she had stopped contacting me and then when she said sorry and can we start again I said no very nicely. Since then she has been openly mean to me in public so I am right. I don't behave like that to people and don't have friends who behave like that either.

However I was also recently cut out by a male friend of mine, who rang me to say he was doing it, his reason was, I had a boyfriend who I was happy to talk to on the phone, but I didn't want to talk to him on the phone, plus my boyfriend is a drummer,and he himself is also a drummer so why did I get a boyfriend when he was drummer already. ??? Also that he wanted to cuddle me in bed and was hurt when I said no and don't ever ask me again.

I actually respected him to ringing to tell me and think he was right, we were not friends, it wasn't working.

I do miss them both occasionally, but the friendships were not worth the trouble in all honesty. I can have a girlfriend I don't trust or a bloke friend who wants to get into bed.

I wish I had had the guts to tell my girlfriend why I was dumping her tho, but truth be told I think she would have done something to my car to hurt me, and I secretly feel she was a bad fiend who me to have chosen in the first place, if I thought her capable of a thing like that.....

coffeeinbed Sun 02-Jun-13 10:13:55

I hope it works, I'm about to do it with my mum for the sake of own sanity.

piratecat Sun 02-Jun-13 10:16:10

coffee, will you just leave it, or tell her your reasons?

op, what it your situation?

coffeeinbed Sun 02-Jun-13 10:19:26

She knows my reasons.
We had another blazing row last night - she knows how to push my buttons and she does and eventually I snapped. I just can't take any of this anymore.
I don't want to dal with it and I can't help her.
I'll talk to my GP next week.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 02-Jun-13 10:25:13

When I was 16 I cut out my father's entire family after my grandmother screamed down the phone that my grandfather shouldn't "get clucky X, we want nothing more to do with her"

Because I had just come out of hospital and they decided I needed to stay with them but I wanted to remain with my parents.

So they got what they wanted. And the rest of the clan huffed off with them.

I wouldn't know most of them if I fell over them and I wouldn't give a shit if I did see them.

At the request of my mother, I have for several years appeared at my father's mother's house (his dad is now dead) annually to present them with a christmas gift. I stay for half an hour and make polite small talk, but I may as well knock on a random old lady's house and have coffee with her for all I care.

A few years ago I told my own parents to shape up or ship out.

DNA means sod all, imo.

Fairydogmother Sun 02-Jun-13 10:25:43

I've cut out a family member and also a friend. I just simply stopped answering phone calls and never got in contact again.

If someone has hurt you that much its easier to cut the contact I've found - sometimes you just can't take it anymore

coffeeinbed Sun 02-Jun-13 10:34:05

She thinks she can tell anyone anything because that's the way she is and because know how she is she gets to tell you everything.
And because she loves you so much and she worries all the time she gets away with everything.

CarpeVinum Sun 02-Jun-13 10:34:44

I am estranged from my father, my mother and my brother. All different times, different but connected reasons.

How did you tell them that was it?
I didn't say anyhting. Just avoided all contact.

And once you did how did you hold your resolve?
I focused on the lack of unexpected upsets I had no control over becuase they were sombpdy else's drama. It was noce to find my life didn't resemble a poor man's soapmopera once left to my own devices. I could enjoy my life, my family, my choices without worrying that if I let myself just be happy I'd be less prepared for the next "bomb".

Do you ever feel guilty?
No. I feel wierd. Like there must be something wrong with me to "lose" three out four members of my nuclear family. I sort ofmlie, I tell people when they ask "no, there's just me and my sister" or "I lost my mother/father/brother" They assume I mean lost or gone as in dead and it stops questions that leave me feeling almost ashamed of having to explain something so messy. It's daft, cos I'm sure most people would get it. But it wpuld mean revealing some distastful stuff that I don't feel comfortable spraying on other people's lives by talking about it to them.

Do you get the urge to contact them and if so how do you stop yourself?
I have a "box" I keep stuffed just behind my intestines. It is the feeling I used to feel when they did their thing. I grab it, crack it open a little and let myself feel it again, which reminds me how much better now feels, whatever the price, and then I slam it shut and shove it back in its dark corner so it doesn't do a Pandora on me.

Does it get easier with time?
Yes. Much. And then sometimes there's a blip. But a doable blip. Painfully maybe, but I look at it like a bookkeeper's ledger. As long as the blps and pain of estrangment are ahead of the known constant headaches and pain of not, then that's good enough. I needed a perfect solution less than I needed a workable and immediate solution. Most of the time now I forget. It's been not that much off 30 years with my dad and coming up for a decade ish with my mother and brother. So it's not like I think about it most days. Usually it only rears its head when I ill advisedly get on a debate here and crack open the box a bit to inform my posts and end up slighty more stung as a consequence than I would like. I'm much better at minimising the blips of somebody asking me about my family. I think there is part of my brian that sort of treats it like it is a seperate version of me, or somebody else entirely.

Perhaps not "healthy" as far as a shrink would see it. But it works for me and in lieu of a magic wand or a magic sticking plaster it's the best I can do. I don't regret my choices, I accpet it is not a perfect or cost free option, but it was the best tool I had on the table and I think the smartest move I have ever made in my whole life was picking it up and slicing the ties. Freedom isn't necessarily warm, fluffy or paradise shaped. But it is a damn sight better for me than a prison of other people's choices bombing my emotion's and life's constancy and predictability to bits.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 02-Jun-13 10:41:46

My granny is toxic, the relationship had always been a bit arm length with a sprinkling of trying.

There were lots of nasty incidents brushed under the carpet over the years, myself and my mum cut her out of our lives while I was pregnant after she sent an email to us and several other members of the family accusing my mum of trying to steal her husband (when she was a small child at the time and was a victim of sexual abuse from said husband)

No I haven't wibbled for a second. She could honestly die tomorrow and the only thing I would feel would be gratitude that my dd would never be infected my her toxicity

redwellybluewelly Sun 02-Jun-13 11:00:36

I didn't cut contact up front with my sister as such. But every time I saw her she made me feel like crap. I distanced myself slowly over the course of a year or more but we were never particularly close. It was a case of the straw that broke the camels back. However she has also made no attempts at contact so I'm assuming the feeling is mutual.

With regards my mother she and I have had a turbulent relationship, I suffered mental and physical abuse as a child from her and she is fairly unpredictable. The rest of my family enable her by giving in, my sister is the golden child in her eyes. There is no pain or resentment in accepting that fact, its just the way it was. After years of hard effort (and my sister being away) we formed a good relationship and I was most of the time comfortable around her. Then when I reduced contact with my sister she said she wouldn't take sides but understood what my problems were (my sister is a charmer bit vile at times to both my mother and I).

Sadly my confidence was misplaced and after an argument where she threw some terrible accusations at me in March I've not spoken to her since. Our second child is due in a few days. I have occasionally felt sadness and guilt about the situation, but I am happier and more confident than I have been in decades. Overall I wish I had simply done it sooner.

It has got easier with time, the rest of my extended family have to a greater or lesser degree reduced contact with me and we knew that would probably happen. I remind myself that those same peopl saw the abuse i suffered first hand and did nothing (although 30+ years ago nobody really gave a shite). To those who have asked I have been polite and simply said that I preferred not to discuss it. I've also been very open to mediation but have said without anger or emotion that I am no longer tolerating being treated badly.

I have found therapy useful in this process, I am gradually becoming the person I always wanted to be and as a PP said I have come out of this generally positive.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 02-Jun-13 11:04:03

Oh and yes I did tell her I sent her an email calling her out on several things and telling her I wanted no further contact.

She sent a very inflammatory reply trying to force a response. She has never had one smile

Offred Sun 02-Jun-13 11:25:11

No, I don't think dna means you have to have a relationship with family. I do think if you don't tell them straight then they don't just leave it and it is hard to keep them away/keep away from them.

MisguidedAngel Sun 02-Jun-13 12:15:31

My mother was fairly toxic and I cut off contact with her (and told her why) after she stirred up a lot of shit between me and my brother. A few years later I relented because she was my DC's only living grand-parent. I kept it cool though and made sure she didn't upset them. When they were old enough to visit her by themselves if they wanted to, I withdrew a bit more. My current partner, who I met when I was 50, persuaded me to 'be nicer' to her, and since we were living abroad that only meant phone calls. When she died I wasn't sorry. Four years after her death my brother was absolutely horrible to me (will/money related). I was very upset. I tried to understand and communicate with him about it, as I thought he was still grieving but he just upped the nastiness. A friend said to me "he's pissing on your leg, divorce him". I just stopped responding to his emails and I don't intend to ever speak to him again. It feels good. You don't need people in your life who make you feel bad.

AKissIsNotAContract Sun 02-Jun-13 12:21:26

How did you tell them that was it?

I cut my dad out just over a year ago. I didn't need to tell him.

And once you did how did you hold your resolve?

It's been very easy, the last time I saw him he totally ignored me. His girlfriend texted me at Christmas but other than that I've heard nothing from either of them.

Do you ever feel guilty?


Do you get the urge to contact them and if so how do you stop yourself?


Does it get easier with time?

It's still fairly early days for me but it hasn't been difficult.

lottieandmia Sun 02-Jun-13 12:25:11

I cut out a friend. I didn't tell her, I just removed any means she had of contacting me. I must admit that I did feel guilty for some time afterwards - I had known her for about 10 years but my life is so much easier without her in it. She is not a bad person but she is very selfish and would say things that made me feel uncomfortable about myself.

MonstersDontCry Sun 02-Jun-13 12:27:01

I cut contact with my nan. She is just an evil person and I just couldnt be bothered with all her lies and games anymore. I didn't bother telling her as we aren't that close and she genuinely thinks she's the most kind, honest person who ever lived. it's actually quite funny. I feel guilty sometimes but I soon get over it.

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 02-Jun-13 12:27:45

I cut my mother out 4 years ago. I didn't tell her, we had an argument over something incredibly selfish which she did, and then we never contacted each other again.

It is only since I broke contact that I really realised how horrible she really was.

I feel no guilt. I will never see her again. My brother has tried to guilt me in to seeing he 'what If she died tomorrow?' Which has made my relationship with him cool somewhat. But I don't regret it. She is a vile woman. I miss the idea of having a mother though, and have mourned the idea of her, iykwim. I never have an urge to contact her. But Mother's Day, birthdays and Christmas are still rather hard. But not as hard as putting up with having that woman in my life.

lottieandmia Sun 02-Jun-13 12:37:54

'she genuinely thinks she's the most kind, honest person who ever lived.'

Yes it's strange how deluded people can be isn't it? My mother is the same (whole other thread).

LadyMaiBlossom Sun 02-Jun-13 12:41:46

I havent contacted my xbrother for over ten years.

No I didnt have to tell him he know
No I have never wanted to contact him ever
I simple just dont want to know him.

I have just stopped contact with my sister, I said bye so I kind of told her. We just dont get on. I dont think I will have to resiste contact as there was none to start with. she didnt contact my nan for 13 years then she died and sis went to her funarle I thought it was hypicratical. I hope none of them ever go to my funrial.

I only talk to my mum on the phone and she is too busy with sis and SIL and too ill to be botheted with me and my family. Once she dies I will not have any contact with my xfamily.

I do think its me, that its something I have done or I just cant hold a long term relationship with them but realy they are all dysfunciational. At the end of the day blaime doesnt work so nc works for me.

I will use the "I lost my mum/dad and im an only child line from now on so thanks grin

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