I need some mumsnet wisdom

[moonfacebaby]

This may be a bit garbled, so please bear with me....

I met a lovely man back in December online. My marriage had ended 2 months previously due to exHs affair - we'd limped on through his ambivalence until I got to the point where I kicked him out.

I decided to start dating to just have some fun really - I wasn't looking for anything serious.

Anyway, the messages started between us & it was great. He was intelligent, funny, we had loads in common. First date a week later was brilliant - massive spark & we kissed, which was amazing.

He pursued me, it was all very intense & the sex from then on in was incredible - I have never had a lover quite like him. Lots of texts, Skype every night - you get the picture.

He wanted me to meet his mum & dad a couple of months in, & I've met some of his friends too.

His past relationship history did cause me some concern - he's in his early 40s & hasn't had a relationship beyond a year. He wasn't ready in his 20s & then subsequent ones seemed to be circumstantial - one ex was bisexual & then realised that she was actually a lesbian 9 months into their relationship. He loved her & he was gutted. His job has made it difficult for him to meet women too - male environment, lots of weekend work. His parents relationship was very tumultuous & he admits that this made him wary of relationships in his 20s too.

Now, 6 months in, things aren't as intense. This has made me feel a bit unsettled but I'm trying to fathom if I'm just being a bit needy ( I hate the idea of this). He tells me he loves me, and we see each other as much as we can, which is generally governed by when I haven't got the kids & his work. I think the thing that unsettles me is the drop in phone calls - sometimes I feel like I call him more than he calls me. However, we do speak most evenings, so I may be just being a bit daft. He keeps different hours to me - is quite a night owl, whilst with kids, I am not!

He's having a tough time too - his work has tailed off, money is tight & for a man who is very proud & independent, it's taking its toll. The industry he is in is a bit battered by the current economic climate. He has been looking for other work but I think he feels like he's failed & doesn't want to do a 9-5 - he loves what he does & I understand how much it is wrenching him to be in his situation.

He has suffered with depression in the past. Not a problem for me as I have too. It was another reason why we clicked.

What I'm trying to work out is if I'm just worrying too much. I know that I'm an over-thinker at times yet I've learnt that my instinct is generally my friend.

I spoke to him recently & told him that I feel like things are a bit cooler. He said that things couldn't carry on as intensely as they were (I agreed as it was a bit bonkers). When I'm with him, he's very tactile, tells me he loves me all the time. The sex has calmed down a bit too - still lots, but not as much.

I suppose logically I can see that he has a lot of big money worries on his mind & that this is going to be affecting his self-worth. He has told me that he feels shit about it all - he is trying to sort things out but there is an element of sticking his head in the sand. Some bills aren't getting paid, he's falling behind with his rent. He hasn't asked me to help him out - he's no cocklodger -and there have been times when I've visited him & bought along a few groceries. He appreciates that & I try to approach it sensitively, but I do think that it pains him to be in this situation. I don't want to make him feel emasculated or inadequate by doing this. To balance it out, he has helped me with some DIY on my house.

My exH is a big earner & I suspect that this also may make him feel a bit inadequate at times too.

I guess some of my worries are based in my insecurities & maybe some of the baggage that I'm dealing with from my marriage breakdown. My exH was a very safe, loyal man - totally trustworthy & his affair has done some damage. I think the biggest thing is trusting in love. I've got a fantastic counsellor who has helped me work through this & I know it's going to take time to build that fully back up. I don't feel alot for the exH anymore - more a kind of sadness that he did something so destructive. If anything, I pity him - his life isn't great.

So, whilst I do trust my instinct, I sometimes wonder whether I'm over thinking it all. Also, I've got too much time on my hands to think. I don't work at the moment - DD2 is 18 months old & I'm in the process of trying to find work or take the initiative & start my own business. This is taking time & balancing 2 kids on my own & a large house means that I'm having to be patient - not expect everything to fall into place quickly. I suppose the balance in my life is a bit squiffy.

I sometimes feel very trapped by the kids & the enormomity of being a single parent & trying to get a life, so to speak. It's a weird position to be in - I feel like I don't quite belong to any group anymore - my friends who are married have their family lives & the people I know without kids, aren't restricted like I am.

So, I do see how all these things add up & how my new relationship has been a ray of sunshine. Now that it's settling down, or subtly shifting, it's disconcerting me somewhat. I know that maybe I just need to relax, enjoy it, find the balance & that it will take time. Stop over thinking it all.....

He's a lovely man - maybe a little complicated (I'm hardly straightforward myself - 2 kids, rebuilding my future etc, so the complicated bit is fine) & I do adore him. He's got great emotional intelligence, I love his mind, he makes me laugh......if he's ever out of order (nothing major), he always apologise profusely & always will look at himself. I think that part of the subtle cooling that I'm sensing is that he's overwhelmed & feeling shit about himself.

I just find myself worrying - is he a commitment phobe? How will our different lives fit together going forward? Is he a safe bet?

He talks about future plans - me going along to the festivals he's working over the Summer, a big night out in October, meeting more of his friends, things he's going to help me out with on the house.....

This is an epic post - well done if you got this far! I don't know what I'm trying to ask but I guess I just would like to see some outside perspective on this all....thanks

[bigbuttons]

I would say you are far too intense.

[ExcuseTypos]

I agree with big

Did you start this relationship only a few months after your DH left? You havent given yourself time to get over your marriage.

[pictish]

You are placing WAY too much onus a pressure on this fairly new relationship.
You were only out of your marriage two months before you were on the hunt for another man.

I think you have a warped idea of what relationships are. You don't have to be in one, you know...the sun will not fall from the sky if you don't have a boyfriend.

Too much - it's all too much. You are way intense.

[BrokenBanana]

You need to stop twisting your mind with 'what ifs' and worrying over every detail.

Try and take a step back and just see how things go. If he's not the right one for you then you'll soon realise. And just remember this, the most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our heads of something our hearts know is a lie.

[moonfacebaby]

I think the intensity was generated by him - I was happy to take it slowly & I guess I got wrapped up & pulled along by it all. I was the more wary one & would suggest that we slow down.

I don't think I have a warped idea of what relationships are though - I didn't desperately want a boyfriend, just maybe a few dates & I was about to come off the dating website when I met him. I was at a stage where I thought I'm happy to be on my own.

I was very independent in my marriage - my exH worked away from home, so I wasn't used to having a man around all the time. I spent lots of evenings doing my own thing etc.

I do get what you are saying though.....

[pictish]

It just sounds so angsty. To ne analysing every nuance like this is not right. It turns this whole thing into an obssession of sorts.

Fwiw you should have been wary at his intensity right at the beginning....because when someone is like that so quickly, it says that you could be anyone...that you are adored not because you are you...but because of what you represent...what you symbolise.
His feelings for you are likely to be shallow....and dare I say it, likely to be subject to change at the drop of a hat.

You can't force love.

[Januarymadness]

The intensity of the honeymoon period cant last forever. Real life kicks in at some point. It sounds like real life iscomplicated and busy for you both but it doesnt change how you feel about each other.

[ExcuseTypos]

I think the intensity refers to how you much you are over thinking everything.
In your OP, you say yourself that you don't know what you are actually asking, you can tell there's lots of things on your mind but its difficult to see any real problems.

I think the reason you're doing this is that you haven't had time to get over your H's behaviour. It's only been 8 months hasn't it? That is is a very short time to get over a marriage and into another relationship.

[pictish]

I think what I'm trying to say is....don't put all your eggs into his one basket. Chill out and kick back a bit. He may well be the one for you...but it hasn't been long enough yet after the break up of your marriage to go into things with an open mind. Award yourself some time and self indulgence that do not surround this fella...fill your life with things for you.
If this is to be a goer you'll get there eventually.

[moonfacebaby]

Natasha - that made me laugh - I know, it's bloody ridiculous really......

Pictish - I guess that's what I worry about. That his intensity may have been a bit shallow.

I am guilty of over thinking it all - I'd spent alot of time doing that as my marriage was going tits up & I suppose it became a habit.

I think that the best thing I can do is just focus on my life - getting the balance right & just enjoy what I have with him. It's good, we enjoy each others company. Don't over analyse it all - have fun, do my own thing.

[moonfacebaby]

Yes, there is also the fact that maybe I haven't had time to get fully over my marriage breakdown. Alot has slotted into place regarding that & I'm no longer angry - just trying to navigate the big change really.

Thanks for all your post & perspective - it really helps....

[pictish]

Absolutely! You're a smart cookie after all!

Trust your instincts, and be good to yourself. You deserve to prioritise yourself. Don't go along with his schedule because it's what suits him....suit yourself!!

[Cassiphone]

I think it's interesting that your whole post is about how things are now, not how they might be in the future. Are you sure you're ready for another serious relationship? It doesn't sound like it. As the others said, your marriage break up was so recent...

[moonfacebaby]

Cassi - I honestly don't know if I'm ready for a serious relationship. In some ways, in trying not to think along those lines as I just would like to enjoy it, see where it takes me.

I'd be more worried about myself & my motives if I was looking for something serious from the outset. I made this clear to him from the start - let's just see where this goes. The fact that we get on so well sometimes means that it has got the potential to develop into something more serious. But I'd be daft if I was thinking along serious lines like moving in together etc.....that's not on my mind at all. I am quite a naturally cautious person, so I suppose that's why this coming along has made me worry more than I need to.

[Fairenuff]

If you really are so right for each other the relationship will endure all the ups and downs but don't expect it to be that intense. Do you think, 15 years down the line you are still going to be texting each other, calling daily and at it like rabbits whenever you can?

Didn't think so. That's why there is a name for it 'the honeymoon period'.

Back off a bit.

[moonfacebaby]

Fairenuff - I honestly don't expect that & am realistic. After all I was with someone for 14 years & I know it calms down - you'd spontaneously combust if it carried on at the rate it starts out at!

It's my tendancy to over think things that catches me out occasionally.

[Cherriesarelovely]

You have had 2 very intense life events in a short space of time in addition to parenting a young child. No wonder you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused. You said in your OP that you weren't really looking for a big relationship when you started dating but you ended up in something very intense very quickly at a time when you were still recovering from your marriage break up.

I don't think anything at all about your new DP's behaviour sounds suspect. He is right in saying that this new relationship couldn't continue at such an intense level and now that it hasn't it is as if there is now room and time for you to think more deeply about the feelings you have about your marriage break up. Of course your exh's affair has had an affect on you and your ability to trust and that is something you are just starting to come to terms with in a new relationship.

Be gentle with yourself. Accept that you have been through alot (it sounds as though he has too to be fair), take it slowly, continue seeing your counselor and see what happens.

It may be that he is a great person but this is not the right time for you both or it may be that things will settle down beautifully and you will be together for a long time.

[Charbon]

Although I agree that you probably haven't spent enough time grieving the loss of your marriage (although the counselling is probably helping with that process) I have a slightly different perspective to others about this.

I think your instincts are probably very sharp after what happened at the end of your marriage and something isn't sitting well about the current relationship, but you're trying to make your rational and logical mind overcome your instincts.

I expect the thing that's bugging you is that this might be a man who is attracted to 'bright beginnings' in relationships, as despite being in his forties, no relationship has lasted longer than a year.

The intensity on his part at the start could be the way all his relationships have started; accelerated beginnings, accelerated 'normalising' and dramatic endings. In an adult relationship, it's unusual for the honeymoon period to start slackening after only 5-6 months; in a 'teenage' style relationship, less so.

There's some cross-over here perhaps for you too, with your husband's affair. Lots of affairs mimic these 'bright beginnings' but wither and die when reality intrudes and the participants get to know eachother properly outside of the clandestine bubble.

In summary, I think you're right to be wary.

[moonfacebaby]

Charbon - you have a valid point & I guess that's the concern behind my over analysing - that maybe there is a reason why he's never had a long term relationship. One if his close friends said that she's never seen him so enthusiastic about someone before, so who knows.

I think we are still in the honeymoon phase - it's not a huge change overall. I know that he's having a real struggle with his life in regards to his job, so I know that alot of that is consuming his thoughts & how he feels about himself. I think if I had some of the money worries that he's experiencing right now, I'd probably be feeling pretty shit about myself.

I think I'm going to try to chill out about it all & see how things progress. If its meant to be, it will be.

[moonfacebaby]

Charbon - there's also another thing that crosses mind. My exH was, by all appearances, a safe bet - very loyal, trustworthy, solid - yet had an affair & turned out to be an incredible liar & far more selfish that I ever thought he could be.

Part of me thinks that even though my new man hasn't got the best track record for relationships, i don't want to necessarily write him off, as there has been an element of circumstantial stuff that led to some of his more promising relationships breaking down before they made it any further. A couple of ex's cheated on him, for example.

I'm trying to paint a bigger picture here - rather than making excuses. Yes, I have some plausible concerns that could mean he isn't very good at establishing a long term relationship. Or it could be a case of bad luck & timing for him - who knows?

I suppose he's taking a risk with me too.

I think we both we very surprised by how well we got on, how much we had in common & just the way we clicked.

[Charbon]

What that demonstrates moonface is what I'm always saying on threads on Mumsnet. That there's no such thing as a 'cheating type'.

I wouldn't write this man off either. At 6 months in, I'd suspend judgement completely until you get to know him better, which is also what he should be doing with you. Relationships should be based on whether you make eachother happy and as long as this is - for now - I'd continue in it.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I don't know, moonface. My gut feeling from your posts raises a bit of a caution flag...having so much in common (and finding all that common ground so quickly) almost sounds too good to be true. I am guessing, of course, but could there be any possibility that he has used a technique called "mirroring", which is insincere agreeableness, to win your attention?
His acting skills (rather blunt there, sorry) ...however, due to his age he absolutely has experience in appearing sincere when he is not, or perhaps even too sincere.
This could explain his difficulty in long term relationships.

That your gut even thought to check cock lodger status is another sign. Perhaps not presently, but it is sounding like he is laying the ground work for it. The pity parties have already started.

I will advise you thus:
Do not become enmeshed, emotionally invested in him. Have fun, lend a sympathetic ear when necessary. But if his issues feel like they are bringing you down too, then you may need to manage accordingly. Being a fair weather friend is usually thought to be a negative thing, but in your circumstances, it might be the way to go. Please do not even think about "fixing" this fellow.

Be very clear in your own mind regarding your boundaries. Jot them down in a journal if you need to. For example, never lend him money.

Be wary of gifts, including the DIY projects, etc, anything that helps you out, as these do create a sort of dynamic where you "owe" him. Then you will feel morally obligated to be, well, manipulated by him. And if you say no, then, well, aren't you the ungrateful bitch. Just don't get involved in that dynamic from the start, it is a no win situation. Some may say this is how relationships progress, and it is. But from your posts, it might be best to not let the relationship progress so much, for a long while. This is a way to set a boundary that won't be misunderstood, and should be acceptable to someone who is interested in you, rather than how he can use you.

[moonfacebaby]

Andtheband - thanks for your observations - I don't think there are issues with any of those things though.

I spoke to him yesterday & it turns out that my instincts have been right about something not being quite right.

It turns out that he's scared about our differing lifestyles & the kids. He got really upset, cried. He said its not a question of whether I love you - he does - its just he doesn't know if he can step up to the mark. We had recently discussed when would be a good time to be introduced to my kids - possibly in a few months time, or later on. So I guess that's been on his mind.

I remained very calm. Listened to what he said. I do understand how daunting it must be to get involved with someone who has kids.

His lifestyle isn't conventional. Weekend work, very long hours & he's used to spending alot of time on his own.

I calmly told him that if he loved me enough, he'd want to find a way. That he needs to think about whether the thought of losing me is more frightening than where we could end up.

He called me later to check how I was. Told me that there's more pros than cons to being with me. That he loves being with me & I make him happy.

My heads a bit fried. I knew my instincts were telling me something - it was hard to put my finger on exactly what though.

I know that in terms of a future, blending our lives would be a challenge. Not insurmountable if the will is there. Ironically, I don't think his life actually makes him that happy - seeing his mates as often as he wants is difficult & he said that he's been lonely for a while & he gets frustrated with the way he lives.

So - I told him that he needs to think, as do I. If he's into this enough, he'll take the leap. If he isn't, then that means it wasn't meant to be.

[JollyGolightly]

Why do either of you need to "take the leap" so early on in your relationship? After only 6 months you're just getting to know each other. Slow down, chill out, carry on spending time together when you can - that's how you'll find out if you're compatible. Well done not introducing him to your kids yet, that's sense.