Internet Dating

[justme399]

Is it me or does many others find Internet dating soul destroying to the point where you feel suicidal and worthless? Am on anti depressants partly because of that and the doctor advised me to stop doing online dating as she said its not for the faint hearted or overly sensitive of which i fall into that category. That's exactly how I feel at the moment with it and I think I am going to have to stop doing it. I live in East Anglia and there is very few people in the dating pool in this area online and it seems you have to travel at least to London. I work full time and I don't have the time or money to travel that far afield to meet someone who I may or may not get on with.

To cut a long story short I have been online on various websites, Okcupid, Match, Dating Direct and POF and all the dates I have had there has always been some problem whether they be married, can't commit, no chemistry or just shallow. I have done online dating now for say over 6 years and still not found any relationship material. I am not prepared to wait another 6 years on these sites so how else do you meet normal people who want a fully committed relationship?

I am 32 and although very young all my friends are settled and I feel like a reject. I am good looking and successful but I just can't seem to meet anyone I like.

Justine

[MisguidedAngel]

I was lucky enough to meet a good man quite early on through internet dating (after I'd kissed a few frogs). However, I was older than you and not looking for a long-term relationship (in fact actively avoiding one), just some fun and companionship. That was 17 years ago and we're still together. I have a friend who's recently had a horrible time internet dating, made herself quite depressed over it. I persuaded her to stop looking for a partner, just get on with her life looking after herself and expanding her horizons. It took me a year to convince her - and within another 6 months she met a lovely man and they're getting on really well. I know this is almost a cliche - when you stop looking you'll find someone - but think about. And by the way, you are very young, as you say. Good luck.

[justme399]

MisguidedAngel thanks for your kind words but how do you stop looking for someone? The whole point of being on a dating site surely is to meet someone? Maybe actively dating is not for me?

[lemonmuffin]

Stop doing it then. If you've been online dating for the last six years and not found anyone, it's not going to work for you.

Sorry to be harsh but it's true. See if you can meet someone in your day-to-day working life or social life instead. Loads of people do.

If you still can't do that, then you may have to accept the harsh truth that you're not girlfriend material.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Maybe you need a break from it? I met my OH on POF and yes you do have to weed out the losers (though you soon become an expert) and I've been with him over 3 years now.

[suburbophobe]

Well, if you've been doing it for 6 years without results and is making you depressed, you need to take a break. Even your dr. is advising that.

Maybe just stop all looking and start enjoying life for you yourself.

If one is desperately looking for a relationship, it can come across as needy and put people off.

Relax into yourself, start doing things that you enjoy that don't need a relationship to do them with, and before you know it he will be standing in front of you when you least expect it.
That's always how it's been with me.

[samethingdifferentman]

You need to take a break.

If its making you depressed, to the point of having to go to the doctors, its bad. Please stop doing it to yourself.

Have a break, get back to feeling good about yourself, find some other things that make you happy. Forget about anyone else for a while.

I say this as a long term single myself, of 5 years. i understand its hard to be on your own for that lenght of time. Not having any dating sucess is not down to you personally.

Ive sent you a PM as i live in the same ish area as you...

[EllaFitzgerald]

It can work, I met my DH online, but if it's making you feel suicidal and worthless, then I think you need to take your dr's advice and knock it on the head for a while. Just concentrate on yourself and see what happens.

[justme399]

Lemonmuffin do you mean to be so rude! Just because the internet does not work for me does not mean I am not girlfriend material. That has to be the crappest reply I have been given.

[justme399]

Suberbphobe so basically you never actively dated? Just joined interest groups for example? By the way am far from needy and very independent but miss companionship and feeling loved.

[GreenEyedGirlxxx]

What the hell is 'girlfriend material'?? That statement is just bizarre.

OP, just come off for a while and give it a break. Keep busy, plan some nights out. Maybe take up a new interest, and hopefully someone will come along in RL. If not you can always sign back up when you're feeling a bit better and stronger. You will meet someone, it's just it's taking longer than you'd like.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Oh come on, Lemonmuffin, there's no such thing as 'not girlfriend material' ! . OP, I'm a reluctant single too (after a long-ago failed marriage) - I dabble half-heartedly in OD from time to time but I've pretty much decided that, as I can't make a relationship happen, I should focus my energy on being happy single - which I can make happen. Only have an OD profile up if you can keep it on the back-burner and not get your hopes up or expect anything of it. It's the only way!!

[Walkacrossthesand]

PS I'm looking thoughtfully at 'meet ups' though, having seen it mentioned on here - local groups, interest/activity based, not all about dating.

[dustythedolphin]

I'm a bit shocked at the "girlfriend material" comment too - WTF is that supposed to mean. The poster has the diplomacy skills of Saddam Hussein. To the OP I have tried POF - dipped in and out. My experience is that 80% of contact is from younger men who want cyber sex - hit block button, 10% are "very sweet but completely hopeless" and 10% are genuinely interesting, but may have "ishoos". I think it reflects real life actually.
Is there other things you can do to meet new guys? Join a political party - they are full of fortysomething divorcees, join a sports club, join a salsa group? Maybe internet dating isn't working for you so you need to try new avenues?

[Mumsyblouse]

If OD is causing you to feel depressed and your self-esteem to suffer, you simply have to stop. I know it can, as I've said on here before, I have a good friend who really was getting very down and her self-esteem shot to pieces from OD because she was getting guy after guy who was happy to have a few dates/sex but really weren't into relationships and she simply wants to settle down, and the mismatch of needs/wants was so great, she just got hurt time after time as well as ignored really big signs they were not that interested.

She's come off online dating, is boosting her self-confidence by throwing herself into her career, going to parties, doing stuff with friends who like her (not men who really don't know her or have much invested with her), is still meeting people in RL, and has read 'He's just not that into you' (as that was a real sticking point for her, the person would be giving off signs they were losing interest whereupon she would redouble her own efforts and get very hurt in the process).

Be protective of yourself, and don't OD for a while, it's not working for you at any level, hope it works out for you.

[bestsonever]

Have dabbled on and off with internet dating also over the last 6 tears. I am older than you but have noticed that the older you get the worse and less frequent the options are, so have given it up for good - bit of a relief actually, I find it frustrating and often a waist of time as invested input often leads to nowhere.
As there is more to life than that, I've decided to grab it by the horns and join an adventure club - have fun and do new things, make new friends and meet RL people. Trying spiceuk, I've heard it's good - they do under 40's meets. The more people you meet in RL, the bigger the chance of finding someone, and if you don't, at least you've had the thrill of doing segway or skydiving, or just strolling somewhere new :)

[dustythedolphin]

In my short experience of OD a lot of people lie. I realised this when I spotted a neighbour on POF. His profile said he has no kids, whereas he has at least two!!!

[Mumsyblouse]

bestoneverI think that's a great idea, I know two people who met in walking clubs (not as exciting as adventure clubs, but still)- one younger, one older. Basically married weird lying men can't be bothered to go for long walks just to get their leg over, so you do get genuine people in these places.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

I found OD a soul destroying experience too. Of course it will work for some people but they are definitely in the minority and it worked far better in the earlier days than it did now. Similarly, it also depends hugely on where you live.

The trouble is the older you get the harder it is to meet single people in real life, no matter how many clubs you join and interest groups you hang around with. I'm in my 30s and have discovered that. So what other options are there but to keep trying OD now and again. Because the whole "someone will come along" gets tiring after hearing it for years. Of course that will happen for some people, just as OD will work for some people.

But no one says "sit back at home and wait for that new job to arrive" or "if you want a new house, it will turn up when you least expect it". Because it's bollocks.

Sorry, I don't think there is "one size fits all" solution to this one.

Oh, and presumably the muffin is lemon flavoured because it is so bitter?

[Coffee1Sugar]

Stick at it! Dp was my very first online date. We exchanged our first "messages" on a saturday, spent all of Sunday on the phone, met Monday. That was 17months and a mortgage ago

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Coffee - with respect, you struck incredibly lucky. I think advice from people with more experience in OD is of more use to the OP. Success stories from people who've been doing OD for a year or more to show that it's worth hanging in there might be helpful - but visitors to the dating thread will see how rare that is.

[pegwin]

Op i know what you mean re. frustration of OD.
few questions and a few suggestions.
are you finding it is not working because you are never interested in the men who are interested in you? (sorry if i am presumptuous thinking it is men)
or that the ones you like break it off? or a mixture of both?

too much time on OD can actually give you a pretty dim view of the opposite sex that they may not deserve. as can MN so you may find if you take a break RL men start seeming more promising?

is there any chance you might mind on to pastures new at some point or do you need to stay where you are?

I think the advice to work on being happy single is good advice although easier said than done. taken me years to get there and I have kids so that side of life is not an issue. i think you need to work on/through your depression though as only you can pull yourself out of that. it is not going to get fixed by someone else.

why not set yourself a set period of time to come off OD. during that time pledge yourself to some challenge or occupation could be anything- sort out your loft, do a 5k, have an adventure holiday. then if no change go back and at least you will have something new for your profile. give it 3 months then another challenge/goal. so it becomes part of your life and not all of it.

[Coffee1Sugar]

Sorry

[justme399]

So many helpful and kind responses.

I just find the men I like are not interested in me and I seem to get hit on by 45 plus guys which I really am not interested in. One they are old enough to be my Father and lastly have more life experience than me.

I do go to the gym and I am am passionate about animals. I have thought about meetups but there is not much in East Anglia that appeals to me and is a bit much having to travel far afield just to meet someone. I find keeping in touch an energy drain with local people never mind people who live far away like 90 miles.

[allaflutter]

er, surely 45 yr olds are not old enough to be your father - only 13 yrs difference! surprisingly some older men can be youthful and attractive, especially in their 40s (not old!). Life experience is good ime, they aer npt so entitled as many young ones. Why not try a date or two, the worst that can happen is that you'll get your views confirmed.

[simplesusan]

I would stop doing it at least for the time being.

A lot of men are simply looking for a fantasy woman.

It is difficult to meet someone in rl but I think you are putting up mental blocks in order to carry on with internet dating.

Lots of unsuitable men (and women) use these sites so give yourself a break.