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Should I stay?

(12 Posts)
sunflowertea Wed 29-May-13 03:32:40

Oh god - this is really jumbled. I'm 37 and my husband is 44. We've been married a year and half, together for sixteen and living together for thirteen years. Ten years ago he split up with me - he told me he didn't love me. He came back a week later telling me he had been wrong - he did love me after all. I forgave him and let him come back on the understanding that he would change his emotionally distant behaviour and stop criticizing me. He didn't. I kept on giving him chances and he kept on treating me like I didn't matter. I can't go into details here, but I gave up my career for him and am now financially dependent on him. I know I was stupid and have only myself to blame but I just couldn't face up to the reality of him not loving me.

Since we got married we have supposedly been trying to conceive (he doesn't fancy me and won't touch me unless I initiate). We had a(nother) fight two nights ago - he was aggressive and borderline violent (we were in bed and he thumped the mattress next to my face). I know he didn't intend to make contact with me - and he didn't - but I'm worried about what this might lead to as it was the second time he has been physically threatening towards me.

This seems to have finally woken me up. Over the last couple of days I've found some short-term volunteering positions abroad that I really want to go for which would give me the choice of either making a real break for it or giving me some space to think while getting back on the career ladder.

If I stay it will be with the knowledge that I am staying because I'm thirty-seven and want a baby. I know that this might sound like I don't love him - I do, but I don't trust him and am now fairly certain that he really doesn't love me. I know that he will leave me eventually. He barely speaks to me and he looks at other women all the time (follows them with his gaze, not just fleeting glances). But this could be my only chance to have a baby. Please help - I'm in a mess.

changeforthebetter Wed 29-May-13 03:37:23

Please don't have a baby with this horrible man hmm You and a baby would be so vulnerable. Get out quickly. He will not change. He will get worse.

SquinkiesRule Wed 29-May-13 03:41:27

Go enjoy yourself abroad, find the person you used to be and start up your career, you do not want to bring a child into this marriage, that would not improve anything and may possibly make it all worse.

Kikithecat Wed 29-May-13 04:01:23

Please don't waste any more of your life on him. I wouldn't advise having a baby with him anyway as it will tie you to him for life, but even if you did stay just to try to get pregnant it may not happen and then you'll be a few more years on in the same position.
Go off on your adventure and make the most of it - you're still young enough.

lotsofcheese Wed 29-May-13 04:17:00

Why not use the time abroad as an opportunity to reassess things? A bit of distance often helps.

And getting your career back on track will help irrespective of what you do.

I don't read much positive about your relationship or him from your post?

meditrina Wed 29-May-13 06:33:25

How long are these volunteering posts? I think you should go and do one or two of them, and have a chance to get back in touch with yourself.

Then decide if this man is good enough for a role in your life (what you've posted doesn't sound promising).

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Wed 29-May-13 06:35:12

Have you packed yet? smile

There's nothing much going on to make you stay, is there?

Lweji Wed 29-May-13 06:44:37

Pack and go.

GirlAboutAsia Wed 29-May-13 06:45:54

I think the chance to get away would be healthy for both of you. Distance should give you perspective and the volunteering will give you some self esteem back. You're only 37. You have over half your life ahead of you.

Lweji Wed 29-May-13 06:49:36

Because you are 37, I'd stop wasting time with this loser.

You'd probably be better off having a baby through IVF, sadly.

The violent behaviour is quite bad, even if he missed you on purpose.
He also was seriously threatening on purpose.
Now imagine being further dependent on this man, by having a child and limiting your career options, including going abroad. Highly dangerous.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 29-May-13 06:53:31

"I kept on giving him chances and he kept on treating me like I didn't matter."

This pattern has escalated ever since his affair 10 years ago when he 'didn't love you' but subsequently changed his mind. I think he's regarded you with contempt ever since quite honestly and the more dependent you make yourself... getting married, giving up your career, ttc... the worse that gets. Give him yet another chance, have a child and what's gone before is likely to look like a walk in the park... and you'd be tied to him even more.

There are other ways to have a baby than with a bully.

QueenofWhispers Wed 29-May-13 06:57:34

there was once another woman who had a similar husband.

they had to have ivf just to get pregnant because he treated her with soo much contempt...I believe he may have started the physical violence in the relationship, but she continued to be violent back.

she did indeed get pregnant; only to be left during the pregnancy. I don't know if her character deteriorated well before I met her--or if she was 'off' before her relationship; but the nightmare she lived is nothing short of hell. she was in no place to have had a baby let alone look for a new father for her child--which is what she has resorted to doing now because she also gave up her career to be with her husband.

also, her ex managed to maintain her and baby with just £10.00pw during the pregnancy.

**I don't know how much of this is true--she told me all of this in person and it was unbelievable. However, she was severely affected by her choices that she was a completely dysfunctional friend...she began stealing things from my house just so I wouldn't cut her out of my life too (so she would have a reason to return and give items back)...Deep down, I hope--truly hope it was just a temporary addition to her personality because of the stressful time she was having.

my advice:
be good to yourself--you can still have a baby in two years. get out of this relationship, make sure you are fully healed and happy with yourself--get your career back as best you can--and then plan a baby. You may not need a man, but you will need you.

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