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Emotional affair? What now?

(10 Posts)
Inkblinkandmustard Tue 28-May-13 23:53:16

Sorry, I think this is going to be long.

I've been with my husband 8 years, married 6, and have 2dd (5 and 22m) and a step son (13) H works from home, I work 3.5 days but long hours, and am the main wage earner.

DD1 started reception this year, and made friends with another little girl. H and I both got to know her parents, and we became close to the whole family. Just before Easter H behaviour changed, he was almost giddy and started going to their house when the kids were with me, and staying out for ages (2 hours for a run, or a few things from the supermarket) I got suspicious and checked his phone - lots of texts to and from the school mum, planning to meet up and lie to me, love you type messages and wishing he was with her. I didn't read them all as I was so shaken. I told him to get out, but then let him back that afternoon and we talked and he said it wasn't physical, and he loved me etc etc

This is the bit where I look really stupid - the girls are such good friends, and I know he is quite lonely, and I was worried about the school gate stuff, so I arranged to meet this woman for coffee. She was mortified, insisted it was nothing, told her husband. I've kept my distance since but I knew H stil saw her at school and the girls still went to play and he saw her at pick ups. I suppose I was trying to be the bigger person and all modern ( ha!)

Anyway, H and I were doing Ok, until I saw his mobile bill ( it was opened and just lying on the chair). There were literally hundreds of texts to her through this last month, I counted over 40 on one day, mostly there were between 25 and 35. I decided to look at the messages ( I know I shouldn't) and he'd changed the pass code. I confronted him about it this evening. He still insists it is platonic and these were school type texts, he changed the pass code so dd2 couldn't get into his phone ( she's 22m ffs) and he'd deleted the texts so I couldn't see. How the hell do you counter such a ridiculous story if someone sticks to it like glue? Or is it not ridiculous?

I am utterly lost as to what to do now. I feel partly to blame, as things have not always been good. Our sex life is really poor. It started out with him not being interested after dd1, then I kind of gave up and have really stopped trying. I get quite stressed with work too, and worry about money a lot, so I know I do nag. BUT he's a good dad, and we're good friends too. I enjoy his company.

I'm scared of being on my own. The practicalities terrify me, and I would miss him so much, and the idea of being a part time parent is awful. But maybe I deserve more than this ( I feel like I'm second best at the moment) And then sometimes I think maybe I've subconsciously pushed him in to this, so I can have my own mid life crisis.

Or sometimes I think maybe I've made a mountain out of a molehill and there really is nothing going on. But he has no way of proving that now, and I don't trust that there isn't anymore.

I'm sorry about the splurge - I don't really know what I want from this. Maybe whether or not I'm being ridiculous, or what to do to get the answers I want, or just how to move on

Thank you

Ps I've name changed to be a bit less identifiable (although I've always been more of a lurker sorry)

BabylonReturns Wed 29-May-13 00:01:39

Is his phone an iPhone by any chance? If so, all of his messages may be stored in iCloud.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything more useful sad

Inkblinkandmustard Wed 29-May-13 00:03:31

No, it's a Samsung I think

badinage Wed 29-May-13 00:06:12

I'd say that both he and this woman have lied to you. The affair is clearly still going on judging by the number of texts and the ludicrous lies he's been telling you.

But I'm baffled that this woman was able to convince you that the messages you saw were 'nothing' and that she'd be telling her husband.

If your sex life has been difficult, you're both responsible for that but you are not responsible for the way he's chosen to deal with it - having an affair. In fact that's probably a bit of red herring (why oh why do women blame themselves for affairs?) and it's just as likely that he would have had this affair anyway.

So, let's assume he's lying and the affair is still going on - what do you want to do?

AThingInYourLife Wed 29-May-13 00:06:44

He deleted those messages for the same reason he changed his pass code - so you couldn't read his messages again.

The affair never stopped.

There is no "normal" reason to send 40 text messages a day to another parent from your kid's school.

AnyFucker Wed 29-May-13 00:07:06

I think it rather more likely that in the time you have been playing "cool wifey" this affair has turned into a sexual one

Not that it's your fault of course. He chose to do it. And her.

I despair, however, of the pressure on women to turn a blind eye to such awful, disrespectful behaviour in order to "keep the family together"

the trouble is, this isn't a "family" any longer when one of the star roles has so comprehensively and cruelly checked out, whilst simultaneously nurturing a drama all of their own

you can manage alone, it's better than being badly accompanied

RatRatRat Wed 29-May-13 00:08:51

He's still up to no good isn't he? He thinks he got away with it the first time and is either confident you will let him do the same again or is past the point of caring.

Either way, he is putting this woman before you and you need to consider your position, I'm so sorry.

I think if you want to work things out you need to ask him to leave or leave yourself with the dc for a while. Show him you are serious about this, give him some distance to miss you and think about what his behaviour has caused him to lose. Similarly, if you don't want to work things out, you have to do the same. So difficult when children are involved, I'd feel exactly as you are now in your situation I think.

Inkblinkandmustard Wed 29-May-13 00:21:27

Badinage, I think she was able to convince me because that's what I wanted to hear. I don't know what I want to do - make it all go away mainly.

I can't believe I could be so stupid. I have always been stronger than this.

skyeskyeskye Wed 29-May-13 00:21:52

sad Sadly, I think that your instincts are right. There is something going on and they are both lying to you.

My Xh was texting his best mates wife thousands of times a month. Apparently they were giving each other emotional support...... but 100 texts a day are not innocent.... My XH talked about OW incessantly before he walked out with no warning...

So IMO. your H is guilty. My XH also deleted all messages and emails so that I couldnt see them. I said why delete them if there is nothing to hide..... Why take your phone everywhere, bed, toilet, utility room, outside to get something from the car....

You know that this is wrong, you are NOT over reacting. your XH needs to stop ALL contact with this woman, and you need to decide what you want to do about this.

I also talked to OW and she told me that there was nothing going on and that her H knew all about it. This was later proved to be a lie.

Please trust your instincts, do not trust him or her.

badinage Wed 29-May-13 00:30:31

I think that's understandable to want it all to go away. But I think you should turn your anger with yourself on to the two of them now. It's an incredibly shitty thing to do to have an affair in the first place, but these affairs at the school gates are even shittier than most, because it affects everyone not least the innocent friendship between the children.

I agree with AF that it's probably a physical affair now, but it might have been beforehand, if the content of the texts are anything to go by.

I'm not you of course but if it were me I would probably claim to know more than I did and would tell him you know the affair's still ongoing and you want him to leave. I'd probably speak to the OW's husband too seeing as you know him - and the children are going to be affected by this. If they haven't already. A lot of idiots like this regard children as inanimate - the kids might have absorbed far more than you or they thought.

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