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It's over. Hand holding needed.

(17 Posts)
Miniph Tue 28-May-13 17:44:44

I've lurked around here for a while but not really posted much.

Today has been shit. I got into a stupid row with my husband which ended with him smashing a plant pot (followed with a sarcastic whoops), kicking the bin to pieces and then pushing me onto the stairs - from the bottom not pushing me down them - while I was holding our 13 week old baby.

It's over, it has to be over but I'm so sad. I know how pathetic it sounds but I love him, I just want the nice him who I live with 90% of the time to come home and make it better.

He has some form for emotional abuse (name calling, twisting things, threatening to take my children because I'm mad etc.) and he has occasionally been aggressive in the past (smashing things, punching doors) but this is the first time I've really felt he put his hands on me with malice.

I was stupid because I took his tobacco and wouldn't give it back. So he pushed me when he was trying to take the packet off me but then he twisted my hand /wrist hard enough to hurt me - when I look at it I know what he was doing was hurting me so I'd do what he wanted.

I feel shit because I should have just given it to him. What if the baby had been hurt because I wouldn't just give it to him. I don't know why I did that.

Anyway, I phoned the police and he's left (the police weren't great - they told me it's very stressful having a new baby and maybe I could speak to him tomorrow when everyone had calmed down, they would have arrested him if I'd pushed it I guess but they seemed to think it wasn't a big deal - it is a big deal right?).

I just want some hands to hold as I'm feeling very alone right now. I don't really have any close friends and I'm embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life. I feel like such a failure somehow.

Thank you for listening.

Morgause Tue 28-May-13 17:46:38

I'm holding your hand.

You did what you had to do for yourself and your DC.

changechangechange Tue 28-May-13 17:47:44

It is a big deal (am shocked at police response tbh) and you have done a hard but brilliant thing. You are strong, and you and your DC are better off without him. flowers

changechangechange Tue 28-May-13 17:49:00

Oh - and if the baby had been hurt - that would have been his fault for being so violent when you were holding the baby - not yours at all.

StuffezLaYoni Tue 28-May-13 17:50:42

I am gobsmacked at the police, but the most important thing is you are seeing the situation clearly. Much sympathy for you, he is NOT a nice man.

Miniph Tue 28-May-13 18:13:07

Thank you.

I just feel so sad and mixed up. I'm veering between crying and trying to think through the practicalitys.

Thankfully my dd (13yrs) wasn't at home. Think when she gets back it'll be pizza in bed night.

I just need to get my head round everything sad This isn't what was supposed to happen sad

StuffezLaYoni Tue 28-May-13 18:17:00

No, it's really not. But YOU have done nothing wrong. You are still a strong and dependable mother and your children are lucky to have you. Men who punch doors and smash thing in anger are NOT people you want round kids.

startlife Tue 28-May-13 18:24:35

What a poor response from the Police. It's so hard to involve them and then to be unsupported is horrible. You have done the right thing.

You must be in shock and it will takes days for you to process. Try not to think about the practical issues until you have recovered from the shock. You didn't cause his behaviour - only he is responsible.

skyeskyeskye Tue 28-May-13 18:28:13

Ring Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you all sorts of advice to help you get through this.

I think that you have done the right thing. How would you feel if the baby had been hurt?

He has overstepped the mark and the violence could escalate in future

LEMisdisappointed Tue 28-May-13 18:30:37

He has no excuses whatsoever, but i am rather curious as to why you wouldnt give him his tobacco?

bumasbigasthetv Tue 28-May-13 18:36:55

Holding your hand. Your very brave. Things will work out for you

Miniph Tue 28-May-13 19:08:57

Honestly LEM I don't know. I was upset and angry (due to the argument and him breaking things) and I'd already asked him to leave and he kept finding reasons not to (he wanted to get various items from upstairs) so when he wanted the tobacco I wasn't feeling well disposed to giving it to him - he could have just bought some more. I don't know.

I guess I should have just handed it over but then he got aggressive and I sort of panicked and tried to go upstairs to get away from him.

I'm not sure what my logic was, I guess if I'd given it to him then he wouldn't have hurt me. With hindsight it seems stupid.

Miniph Tue 28-May-13 19:14:01

Also I'm maybe confusing things saying his tobacco. I rarely smoke (just on bad days!) but I had paid for it, I didn't just take something of his. He does smoke regularly so I tend to think of any tobacco as his.

TheOrchardKeeper Tue 28-May-13 19:15:09

"if I'd given it to him then he wouldn't have hurt me"

that is not how it works. Ok, that wasn't a good decision on your part but that isn't the reason it happened. He is the reason it happened.

You're doing the right thing and you know it.

It sounds like it's quite bad anyway but just hadn't been physical yet. I'm sure you know there's a risk of it all escalating and you winding back on here in a few months time because he's done something similar/worse. I'm sure if you've been on here long enough you've seen it happen to other posters and you really are doing the best thing for you and your DCs by nipping this in the bud.

just concentrate on the practical stuff and then get through whatever emotional hurdles that occur after that.

Without wanting to sounds patronizing, well done & hope you're managing ok thanks

TheOrchardKeeper Tue 28-May-13 19:18:28

(even if it wasn't heading towards more incidents like this it sounds like a toxic, unhealthy relationship and you sure as hell deserve more than that. Everyone does)

LEMisdisappointed Tue 28-May-13 19:20:06

Sorry, i thought the argument was over the tobacco in the first instance.

Has he left now? (i hope so)

Miniph Tue 28-May-13 19:27:23

I wasn't meaning to excuse what he did. Just that had I given it to him things may have gone differently.

I was in an abusive relationship in my teens, I know how easy and destructive it is to minimise and go back - but even so it's damn hard trying not to.

Posting here makes it public for me, harder to minimise.

I want the person I love back sad but I know that's not possible. The other stuff we could have worked on but I can't forgive this.

It's all just horrible right now.

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