Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What the hell is wrong with me?

(20 Posts)
gummybear13 Tue 28-May-13 13:54:47

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 20 months. We met online and to begin with, everything was good. We met in October 2011 and I met his family att he very end of October. We had a wonderful weekend away for his birthday, one month after we met, and then I was invited to stay at his house for the weekend after that. He lives with his mum, dad and 2 brothers (one older, one younger but both adults). He shares a bedroom with his younger brother. The only way for me to stay the night was to sleep on the living room floor on an airbed. This was fine!

However, since that weekend I first stayed, I've spent almost every single weekend at his house on his living room floor (with him, of course). I live at home with my mum (we are mid 20s by the way, not teenagers). He works 7.5 hours per week, I don't work (there are no jobs around here. nothing)

In September, 11 months after we met, he went back to college to do an access to higher education course. This coming September, all being well, he will start university and will be there for the next four years. The university is in the same city that he lives in, so he doesn't have to leave home to attend. Oh , I didn't mention that we live an hour from each other.

He is very welcome to come to my house whenever he wants to, for as long as he wants to, but due to college and working every Saturday, it's not been possible. So I go to his instead.

This means we have to wait for everyone else to go to bed before we get any time to ourselves, by which point we are incredibly tired. We are then woken up when his parents/brothers decide to get up.

All we do is argue. Almost every day we argue. Usually petty stuff. So petty I can't even give examples. It's my fault, I'm sure it is. I want to be with him so badly, I love him with every breath I take, and he says the same. But in 20 months, nothing has changed. He says he wants to get married and have children, and I believe that. But nothing is going to change. I can't see how it can whilst he is an university. He will be at uni 5 days a week and work at least 1 day a week, so when will we get to see each other?

Money is so tight. I'm on JSA and get £142 a week - £20 on trains a fortnight, I pay the food shopping for me and my mum, I pay my mums petrol (she is on ESA as she is unable to work due to poor health and has massive debts - she pays rent, council tax and all other bills). I lirerally have no money left at the end of the fortnight. I get my money again this Saturday - I currently have £3 in my bank account.

Without a job, we'll never move in together. But there are no jobs aroundhere. I'm prepared to travel an hour each way for work if I could get a full time job, but there isn't anything. I have no qualifications so it' just retail that I can do.

We argue because I want to be seeing him more often but we can't. I feel like its me making all the effort - I'm the one who spends an hour on the train there and back, I'm the one paying the train fare - but I know he does make an effort. He'll pay for a drink at the pub on a Saturday for me, he'll buy me take away. That sort of thing. He rings me 5 or so times a day (he gets free calls from his landline, I dont). But it doesn't seem enough. I want to be living with him and seeing him every day. Not one/two days a weekend.

Why can't I just accept that, for now, this is how things are? Why do I get down all the time because its not enough? I want to be married and having children - but that wont be for another 4 years at least, by which time I'll be in my 30s.

Right now, he is visiting his nan at the chapel of rest before her funeral on Friday. What have me and boyfriend been doing this morning? Arguing on the phone. Why? Because I keep telling him I'm there for him and to talk to me when he needs me, but I'm pissed off that his response is, I deal with things in my own way, I don't need to talk to you. I'm pissed off that he didnt say "thank you, I know you are there"

I want to be with him, I can't imagine my life without him. But I can't carry on like this. I cause arguments for minor things, but it's because I want things to be different to what they are.

When we are together the weekend goes like this:

Friday afternoon I arrive at his. He picks me up from the train station. We go back to his, have lunch, I sit on sofa he does college work. We have dinner (his mum cooks, rest of family). We sit on sofa watching tele/he does college work. We go to bed when everyone decides to.

Saturday: Get woken up. He takes his parents food shopping (only he drives), I usually tag along. We have lunch. He does college work. I sit on sofa. We go the pub (usually with his family). We get back, eat, go to bed

Sunday: Get woken up, have breakfast, sit on sofa/college work, have lunch, he takes me train station, I go home

Occasionally, if the weather is nice, we'll nip to the park and have a quick walk before he takes me the station. Sometimes, we'll go for a meal Saturday night.

I don't even know why I am writing this. It's quite therapeutic. I just can't see any way of anything changing. I'd move to his city in a heartbeat if I could afford to. Not neccesarily to live together, but to be closer to him and see each other more often.

Thank you, if you got this far. I don't even know what I want I want from this thread.

MagicHouse Tue 28-May-13 14:01:54

sad that sounds really sad. It doesn't sound like he is really giving you or wanting to give you any time at all. From the outside it sounds like you need to invest in time for yourself - look up possible qualifications/ courses that might lead to work. Find out if you can access any advice about any funding you might qualify for to do this.

I know that in the middle of it, it will feel different and you will be wanting to hang on to your relationship - but it doesn't sound as though you are getting anything from it at all. Difficult as it is, I think you will feel stronger if you moved on - or at least stopped seeing him for a few weekends while you think about what it is YOU want to do with your life.

gummybear13 Tue 28-May-13 14:06:31

I think his problem is, he is very close to his parents and brothers (younger brother especially). They have always done everything together - even as far as eating together, if the mum is at work until 2pm, they wont eat their sandwiches until she gets back. I do find that odd, but it's the way he grew up.

I want him to start spending more time away from his family, but I'm not sure how. He is happy living at home because his mum does everything for him (she cooks, cleans, does the laundry, ironing etc - the lads have never had to do anything and won't offer to do anything as they don't need to, she just does it).

I desperately want to be living with him and starting a life together. He wants it to, but he is more practical than me - he doesn't want to get a crappy flat and be struggling to pay the bills, he wants to wait until we have money for somethng better. I can understand that, I really can.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 14:07:41

"Why do I get down all the time because its not enough? "

Because it's not enough. Worse than that, you can see the timeline stretching out ahead of you both and there doesn't seem to be any end to a pretty grinding cycle of boring weekends watching him read college stuff hmm, no money, nowhere to stay, no privacy and basically nothing doing. I worry even more that it's always you going to see him and that he never alters his schedule for you despite knowing that you can't afford to keep travelling.... that's either selfish or inconsiderate or both. He's already mid-twenties and, if it's a four year course, you're looking at being nearly 30 before there's any chance of improvement. That's a hell of a long time to put your life on hold.

Love - contrary to popular belief - does not conquer all. If the relationship is unsatisfactory for whatever reason, however much you like someone, you're not obliged to stick around twiddling your thumbs and paying for train-fares. Plenty more fish - and dare I say fish with a bit more get up and go? - in the sea

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 14:09:33

BTW this....

^ He is happy living at home because his mum does everything for him (she cooks, cleans, does the laundry, ironing etc - the lads have never had to do anything and won't offer to do anything as they don't need to, she just does it).^

.... does not make for a good life-partner. Mummy's boys that are still home mid twenties and expect you to make all the running are a right royal PITA. You have been warned

TheNorthWitch Tue 28-May-13 14:14:46

If he's only working 1 day a week why is he doing so much college work when you are there? Can't he get it done during the week and you could at least go out for a walk or lunch somewhere and get some time on your own?

AnyFucker Tue 28-May-13 14:19:49

Good God, why are you so keen to replace his mother with Yours Truly ?

I am sure you can find a better relationship than this. It sounds utterly boring and at your age you should be having fun with a man men

Take my advice (you won't, I know) and knock it on the head. It's going precisely nowhere

MagicHouse Tue 28-May-13 14:22:23

He's not really willing to change anything at all for you. The trouble is - you risk waiting and waiting for years, and things never changing (a friend of mine wasted many years on a man like this - who never did change... happy ending for her though - she's now happy with her own family and a lovely partner, while her ex has been wasting the life of the woman he cheated on her with for as many years or so - spinning her the same stories about not wanting to settle down).

You are young - invest in yourself. If it's meant to be, it will work out AND you'll have a job/ life/ independence. If it doesn't work out, you will very likely end up in a better relationship because you will have more confidence.

If he wanted things to change they could, even little things - like him staying with you every other weekend, rather than expecting you to go to him despite the fact you don't have a bedroom there, and you can't afford it. But it sounds like he doesn't want to. It's a really tough thing to learn, but it really is true that if someone really wants to be with you, they will show you that through the way they are with you/ by compromising and by being loving. Of course he wants a better flat/ to save up - but he's willing for things to be pretty bad/ boring/ difficult financially (for you) for YEARS to get this.... you need to tell yourself you deserve better.

CorrStagnitto Tue 28-May-13 14:29:50

I think your problem is your letting your life is revolving around him, but he is trying to better himself by going to uni, hes not spending every waking minute wanting to be with you, he wants you in his life but he not letting his life revolve around you

what do you want to do with your life? if there are no jobs why dont you study to get a job that you do want? having your life revolve around someone elses is not very healthy

lookingfoxy Tue 28-May-13 14:43:27

Why don't you go to college and improve your own job prospects?
It will give you something more in your life which seems to solely revolve around 1 person.
I think your boyfriend sounds quite sensible tbh.

badinage Tue 28-May-13 14:45:29

Do you make any contribution to his parents for having you there every weekend? Do either of you help with any of the workload involved in that?

DewDr0p Tue 28-May-13 14:58:17

This is all very nice and cushy for your bf isn't it? You fit around him and he gets to carry on as before but with you available (on the living room floor!) and him not having to make any effort. I think the reason you are arguing is that deep down you know this isn't right.

You only live an hour from each other - why can't he come to your place after work on a saturday and travel back for college on a Monday morning sometimes?

It must be tough not having work OP. Have you looked into college courses or other routes into work? I'm sure there are mners who could help you explore your options. What are you good at and what interests you? That's a good place to start.

I'd look at trying to create more options for yourself I think - whether that's friends, qualifications or whatever. Don't spend your 20s sitting on someone else's sofa waiting for him!

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 28-May-13 15:00:27

I also don't understand why he needs to be doing his college stuff at the weekend when he only works a day out of the week?

Take the advice of AF & get rid, you should be having fun now not moping around after this man who can't even be arsed to change he schedule of a weekend & save you some train fare!

Study towards a career for yourself-you're likey to also develop a good social life from this.

SueDnym Tue 28-May-13 15:03:02

Oh sweetheart, this isn't a relationship, it's barely a life. There's more - and better - out there for you.

worldgonecrazy Tue 28-May-13 15:04:57

There are more options than retail, even without qualifications. I know that "flipping burgers" is looked down upon, but MacDonalds actually have a very good management training scheme.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a keeper. He seems to think that women are there to do what he wants, and doesn't seem to be making any changes to make your life easier.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

MoreGin Tue 28-May-13 15:16:47

"He is happy living at home because his mum does everything for him (she cooks, cleans, does the laundry, ironing etc - the lads have never had to do anything and won't offer to do anything as they don't need to, she just does it). "

You know that if you move in with him, you will be doing all this stuff, right? Even if you are both working. You will not be able to get him to lift a finger.

Mumsyblouse Tue 28-May-13 15:25:40

At least he's getting off his backside and getting qualified as well as working one day a week. I would expect you both young, in twenties, to be working six days a week if you have to, to get up on the career ladder (retail can be a way into management). No wonder you are bored, you need something to do all week except wait around to hang out at his mum's house.

I can't believe people saying he shouldn't do college work at weekends- that's precisely when he should be doing a full-time univ course, plus working when he can in the week.

I think the idea of you biding your time, not taking a job, hoping for the marriage and children to relieve you of your current life is not an attractive one. I don't think he's that interested in settling down right now and to be honest, I don't think he should- university and then a job do sound a better way for a man in his mid-twenties.

SteamPink Tue 28-May-13 15:46:58

You need to find some fulfilment and hobbies of your own.

mcmooncup Tue 28-May-13 15:53:04

I think you might find more happiness in finding a career and job that you love, getting some independence, self respect and confidence.
Bin him.
He has no purpose in your life.
Start a love affair with yourself...really!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 16:03:04

"I can't believe people saying he shouldn't do college work at weekends- "

What's wrong is that he expects the girlfriend to spend money on a railway ticket for the privilege of sitting there watching him do this work every single weekend. Nothing wrong with dedication and ambition but there is such a thing as a work/life balance. His job only takes up 7.5 hours a week. hmm

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: