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feels so lonely

(10 Posts)
MrsCharles84 Tue 28-May-13 09:31:17

Hi, me and my husband have hust had a baby girl, things were good when we came hime from the hospital and we shared duties etc, she is niw approaching 3 weels old and hes starting to drift away from us when hes not havung a go at me for things im not doing good enough. I feel so lonely and like my feelings dont matter, I told him in tears I needed help and he ignored me and walked off, I dont know what to do :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 09:38:01

He's having a go at you? You're not good enough? hmm And does 'drift away from us' mean he's walking out and leaving you to it? Expecting you to do everything for the baby and he does nothing? Has he behaved like this before? Is this your first child?

The fatigue and disruption that surrounds the arrival of newborn can test relationships. However there is no excuse for him to bully you this way. Dry your tears, stand up to him and, if he insults your mothering skills, ignores you or walks off again, tell him not to return until he's willing to grow up, take a full part in family life and be a damn sight more supportive.

MrsCharles84 Tue 28-May-13 09:47:10

If I dont do things the way he does them or fast enough basically. Sometimes if our daughter is crying he ignores her until I come in the room. He gets very grumpy very quickly, even in the middle of the night, the past week ive been called all sorts and yesterday he said he needed to walk away from me before he lost his cool. Its our first child yes, and has never behaved like thus before. Im not sure he understands how having a baby effects things :-/

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 10:17:16

Sadly, abusive behaviour by men towards women often coincides with the arrival of the first child. The excuses are many, varied and largely irrelevant IMHO. Of course he understands that a baby affects life Bullying is unacceptable and inexcusable so don't make allowances or your life will be hell.

I know this is a difficult situation but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting annoyed. How dare he say he needed to walk away before he lost his cool? How dare he ignore his DD when she cries? How dare he get angry with you just because you don't meet up to some bullshit standard that he has imposed? Who the hell does he think he is?

MrsCharles84 Tue 28-May-13 10:57:08

When I do stand up for myself im being cruel ro him or belittling his feelings. A difficult situation being made harder because we have got to live with my father for the time being. I feel I have no one to talk to cuz no one would understand.

MrsCharles84 Tue 28-May-13 11:14:30

When I do stand up for myself im being cruel ro him or belittling his feelings. A difficult situation being made harder because we have got to live with my father for the time being. I feel I have no one to talk to cuz no one would understand.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 11:21:38

Keep standing up for yourself because it's the only way you're going to emerge from this in one piece. You shouldn't have to make a stand really, he should be working with you to make a happy and harmonious family. If he prefers to criticise and get angy being assertive is essential for your self-respect, confidence and strength. Do not show weakness or he will exploit it.

If you want a definition of 'cruel and belittling', telling a new mum of 3 weeks that she's not up to the job is about as cruel and belittling as it gets. Tell him to start acting like a team-player or to take a walk.

NotDead Tue 28-May-13 11:27:02

oh shit this is awful. Im so sorry to hear this. It could be he is freaked out as hell.. but whatever the justification how the hell can he expect you to keep up. think of all you've done for christsake!

I guess he feels he is being shut out a bit perhaps if thisis new behaviour. Perhaps he feels he has no recognition of how freaked out he obv is.. his family may have no way of supporting men who have children.. but that does not make doing things that make you miserableand criticised.

It may be that he percieves his crap criticisms as 'help' but how ciuld they be? if you have the strentgh try acting as if it is help.

A good man should come right over to your side if you say you are feeling lonely and like its all on you. I don't know how you might get the message across to him. Do you have any mutual friends with kids whose bloke can set him straight advise him on how fucking hard it is for you..? wishing you all the strength and best wishes you need..

NotDead Tue 28-May-13 11:29:06

Hang on! tell your dad that he doesn't understand how hard it is for you.. tell your dad..even if its untrue.. what a great support he was for your mum and ask him to help..

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 12:58:15

Who cares if he is 'freaked out'? Responsible adults know that babies are challenging, noisy, don't sleep nights and need a lot of care. A responsible adult knows that, when a woman has just given birth and is taking care of a newborn, she needs a shedload of TLC and everyone has to be patient with each other as they find their feet and get to grips with the new situation. A kind man - even if he got frustrated or upset, even if he felt left out or was shell-shocked by being a new father - would apologise and make amends.

A cowardly bully on the other hand, sees a woman three weeks post-partum as victim material and goes completely on the offensive. So who gives a shiny shit if he's 'freaked out'? He needs to grow up.

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